Wife wants a divorce

[stumps]

I'm so confused. How can someone that laughs and smiles at me all day still say she wants a divorce?? I didn't directly ask her that but she said tonight after dinner"its obvious she (my grandmother) doesn't know).

I think it's all just part of where the WAS is mentally. My wife is the same way. Most of the time you would think we were still a happy couple. I try not to question it and just take her at her word that she's still moving out (it's a struggle not to get my hopes up). For instance, W and I had a great time out to dinner the other night and twice had other diners stop and tell us what a cute couple we make, and yet... W is going out with her sister tonight to break the D news to her. I just try to remind myself that for all intents and purposes I'm dealing with an insane person...nothing she does is going to make sense.

[VFL]

Yeah that makes sense. Once she makes her mind up about something its nearly impossible to change it and I'm terrified of that.

[stumps]

Yeah that makes sense. Once she makes her mind up about something its nearly impossible to change it and I'm terrified of that.

Well...again, my wife is the same way. I'm choosing to look at it like this: Her behavior means there still hope, but I'm not going to let it get my hopes up. More importantly, she can't know that I think it means there is still hope. No matter what private hopes I have, I'm approaching things as if we are both moving on...and acting "as if" as much as I need to that I'm ok with that. It seems counterintuitive to me--part of me thinks that will send her on her way even faster. But what I'm learning from this forum is that if there's anything that might make her question her decision, it's seeing that I'm not only am I ok with it, not only am I going to survive it, but that I will actually [b]thrive/b] despite it.

[VFL]

Yeah I'm actually kinda pessimistic about her changing her mind after today. Wants both of us to take our daughter to Tampa to see the dolphin from dolphintale one weekend this summer. She talked to her sister and said that if its meant to be w will get back together. I'm just afraid divorce will change us too much in order to reconcile

[stumps]

I'm just afraid divorce will change us too much in order to reconcile

And I guess that could be true, but...

Just keep DBing, because if you don't then there's probably no hope at all and... even if it doesn't save your marriage, it will save YOU. That is, all that 180ing and GALing will make surviving the divorce much much easier. And if you keep up the 180ing and GALing, you will be far less likely to find yourself in this position again once you're in another relationship.

[VFL]

a mutual friend of ours told me that my wife appreciates the effort I'm putting into this and the changes I've made, but it's too late. She's still dead set on divorce.

I've never felt pain like this before

[scooby]

I agree with stomps. Keep up the dbing. Also, don't take what she has said to you or others as truth. She is probably still confused and does not know what she wants. Besides a divorce is just a piece of paper it can't tell you how you feel, should feel, or to give up.

[stumps]

Sorry you're hurting. And it's understandable.

But I would encourage you to look at it like this: if I'm reading your story right, you're only a couple of weeks into a journey that will be months long at a minimum. Maybe your wife is still deadset on divorce, but that's what all WASs say at this stage. The fact that she acknowledges and appreciates your changes is a good sign. Doesn't mean your marriage is saved by any means. But it means she's seeing something. And if you keep those changes going over time, even as she keeps moving toward divorce, that's when they're going to make a difference. That's when she can start believing that they're real and permanent, and not just temporary or a ploy to win her back. That's what will make her start questionning her decision if anything will.

Keep doing what you can to DB/180/GAL. It's consistency over time that makes the difference for the WAS and the marriage...and for you.

[VFL]

Thanks. The thing is the 180 and GAL are opposites for me. I used to do a lot of things (concerts, traveling, hobbies) for myself. So if i did a 180 i wouldn't GAL but if i GAL i wouldn't do a 180. After reading the book i decided on a 180. Giving her what she's always wanted(me being supportive discipline wise (at least in front of our daughter), not being consumed by the computer or games or anything, helping out a lot more around the house.)

We are on vacation at my grandmothers house in Florida right now and she has posted some pictures of the places we have gone and she said i was right about one guy from her work (I've been telling her for a while to watch out for him (he comes immediately when she has computer problems or other issues) and she says he's older and happily married. Well today she said "you might be right about 'John' he just sent me a message saying he wishes he was here with me". I was even tagged in the post so he knows I'm here with her. She was obviously disturbed by him (or the best acting job I've ever known). She said she's going to have to keep her distance from him.

Then tonight before bed (wife and daughter are sleeping in the guest room I'm on the sleeper sofa) we hugged, she says "your heart is racing" i tell her i just think about things at night usually. She knows what this means. She says she's sorry. Pats my chest and gets in the bed.

[VFL]

I agree with stomps. Keep up the dbing. Also, don't take what she has said to you or others as truth. She is probably still confused and does not know what she wants. Besides a divorce is just a piece of paper it can't tell you how you feel, should feel, or to give up.

thanks. I just hope she doesn't slap papers in front of me when we get home tomorrow