Wife wants a divorce

[VFL]

Sandi2

She takes her lunch it was the after school snacks that were a problem.

[VFL]

I'm reading divorce remedy. I'm applying the last resort technique since we already have divorce papers.

One glimmer of hope today. She said "if this doesn't happen I would like to continue having separate checking accounts(i'm terrible budgeting money, I don't bounce checks or go negative but i just spend spend spend).

I have been keeping my bedroom cleaner, but today i took everything out and did a deep clean. My daughter was amazed and my wife was still in shock (she just stood at the doorway when she was going to bed).

She also was in a great mood, laughing, we watched about an hour and half of tv together.

Right now she has an injured shoulder, they dont know exactly what is going on but there's a lot of inflammation, pain and loss of range of motion. I told her I would do the dishes and for her just not to move her arm so her shoulder wouldn't hurt as bad. She didn't fight back(she always has been very independent) and she said 'ok thanks'.

One question though. Since this is proceeding should I read further? or only concentrate on the last minute technique?

[VFL]

just a status update.

Apparently seeing me play with our daughter puts my wife in an unbelievably good mood. we were outside playing hopscotch when she got home. Saw me jumping when it was my turn and that caused an outburst of laughter from her. Apparently seeing a 6' tall 280 lb man playing hopscotch is funny.

We all went in and started playing games together and after a while dinner came up. Our daughter wanted stir fry, which my wife an I weren't in the mood for at all. We mentioned pizza and how good that sounded then debated either Papa John's or this local place we go to sometimes. So after I clean up a little and my wife helps our daughter get ready for bed we decided on the local place, which may not have been a good idea because it was loaded with grease. So bad that even I made a comment about how my stomach didn't like it(i have a stomach of steel, nothing upsets my stomach, ever). She laughs again, and goes 'ohhh your old age is catching up to you'.

We watch a TV show we haven't watched in ages together, Criminal Minds. We haven't watched it in so long because we got out of the habit of watching it after our daughter was born. We have tried in the past but it put us too much on edge. I guess we were 'resensitized', we would always ask each other 'did you hear that?'. lol

But we watched that, then she said 'i'm sorry to bring it up but can you go over the papers tonight and let me know if you have any changes?' Inside my stomach is knotted at the thought of a divorce but I tell her I would look it over.

We came upstairs, both of us go straight into our daughters room to check on her and of course she's sideways in the bed. She's in no danger of falling off so we agree to let her sleep like that(one of her body pillows that we put on her sides is really soft so she likes sleeping on that). She then asks 'hey, could you listen out for [our daughter]? I want to take a hot shower with the door closed.' I reply of course because all I was doing was watching discovery channel starting this post.

Then she poked her head in here (the door is cracked open) and she said 'goodnight' and i said the same.

I'm so torn. I want her to tell me she has changed her mind but then again I don't want her rushing to judgement and cancelling. I know she thought about this whole thing for a while and to just call it off because of how I've changed the last week and a half would be crazy. I haven't been very spiritual in the past (which I've been talking to a few people about) but I pray that this works out.

[woundedfool]

One question though. Since this is proceeding should I read further? or only concentrate on the last minute technique?

Keep reading further, as Cadet always cites: "knowledge is power", but re-read the LRT, and re-read, and re-read. Be able to cite it.

Also:
Notice your 180 (cleaning room) has been noticed. Keep it going. This is not just a one time demonstration, this is a change for YOU for the better.

And the dishes were a great #5 (chapter 6) you experimented, and saw a positive result. Try some more, if you get positive results, keep them going, if negative, end the behavior.

Another potential experiment: you seem to recognize you just "spend spend spend". Work on that as a 180?

[AnotherStander]

I have been keeping my bedroom cleaner

Beta.

we watched about an hour and half of tv together

Beta.

I told her I would do the dishes

Soooo beta.

Nothing wrong with beta behavior, but if you're thinking this may attract her back or change anything then you need to drop your expectations. Alpha behavior is attractive, beta behavior is more of a comfort thing.

[VFL]

I will keep reading. Will take the book with me to work tonight.

I was started dusting the living room after we played a card game she got with her chick fil a kids meal(that caused a bunch of laughter by both of us). She said 'oh you don't have to do that, the maid is coming Monday'. I thought about it for a second if i should stop, I didn't want to come across as disregarding her so i stopped.

I am working on my spending. She has said in the past that she doesn't want me to give up eating out and stuff completely, just reign it in a little(she doesn't want to be like her parents were (debt ridden) when her mom passed away(about 18 years ago(we were not dating at the time).

I've been doing the dishes pretty much every night since then (i think there was one night we all ate out and there were no dishes)

What seems to cause the biggest positive reaction is backing her up in whenever she disciplines our daughter (i discipline also but wouldn't always back her up especially if i thought she was being excessive and I've mistakenly told her that in front of our daughter in the past (obviously no longer do that as i've seen how much of a toll it can take on a person after watching her and dealing with that all day)).

[VFL]

I have to be careful as to how much alpha behavior i demonstrate. She has said in the past how laid back i am, the only thing she really didn't like is decision making. I make decisions all day at work(not that she doesn't) and I'm worn out. Even the little things she liked. My off days are during the week and I would have a restaurant picked out for us try. She said she liked when i did that stuff because it showed i thought about us doing stuff together when we were not together, but i was discouraged back then because it seemed like many times she didn't like or disregarded my suggestion.

When I've talked to her on the phone while I'm at work and i have to take a call she can still hear me. She's mentioned how different i sound, authoritative but not overbearing (gee writing this makes it sound obvious what i need to start doing again) but this was when i was on day shift or afternoon shift. She's asleep while I'm at work now so she doesn't hear this side of me anymore.

[VFL]

Our daughter is staying at my mom's tomorrow because we have our first appointment with a therapist tuesday and she is on spring break. My wife asked if I wanted to go to dinner after she came to see our daughter at my mom's house after work. I don't sense any tension between us and actually looking forward to it. Just wish I didn't have to work but we all are going to my grandmother's house tuesday night (this trip has been planned a while and my daughter refuses to go without my wife so she's going.) She actually sounds like shes looking forward to it. talking about going to the beach and i told her about some parks i've found to take us to.

She has mentioned that maybe my change this time isn't temporary(i haven't changed my attitude this long ever(my attitude toward her, crankiness etc)) I told her I just want to be a happier person, and i actually made an appointment with my doctor for a physical, she was elated with this(heart disease, diabetes, mild depression run in my family).

I'll post more later, as of now things have been smooth sailing since my 180. I'm getting used to working on less sleep than usual, i set my alarm for 2pm instead of not setting it at all and sleeping til 6ish but i'm determined my attitude will not fade. I'm more committed to this than anything in my life, ever.

[VFL]

Just got back from our first session with a counselor.

Came out that she still doubts the changes I've made. She resents me because I didn't want to do anything about the marriage last year when she wanted to(I thought it would just get better with time). There was no arguing or fighting. When we were leaving she said, "you didn't want to go to the other guy because his website said he deals with divorce and getting through it but you pick this guy and he says in the first session that he believes this is worth saving?" So i feel like she is going to resist reconciling even more now. I told her I didn't know he was so pro-marriage, that he did marital counseling and was Christian based. That's all i knew(was referred to us by my healthcare provider).

We leave for Florida tonight to visit my grandmother while our daughter is on spring break. Still applying the LRT but am so discouraged at the moment.

[VFL]

I'm so confused. How can someone that laughs and smiles at me all day still say she wants a divorce?? I didn't directly ask her that but she said tonight after dinner"its obvious she (my grandmother) doesn't know).