husband wants to bring kids around ow

[twinmom]

It hit me hard today, I was fine this morning. Put the twins down for a nap and started reading a new book and it was just like I got punched in the stomach. When the twins got up I called my mom (we are NOT close) and we took them downtown (Chicago) for dinner at rainforest cafe. Kids had a blast and it did take my mind off things for just a little while. Home now, kids in bed and I am going to try to sleep.....

[twinmom]

Ok I need input..... was this a good 180?
H brings kids back early because one of them has been throwing up all day. I give him some meds and he goes to watch Thomas.....
H asks about rainforest cafe and about a birthday party at a local kids place. He tells me he took them to the kids place last Thursday with ow..... I start to tense up, feel the tears coming.. about a year ago we had a huge fight and he yelled at me that I tried so hard to save my first marriage (no db style) why wouldn't I fight like that for our marriage, well tonight I asked him if he remembered that conversation and he said yes. I then said "you don't want me to fight for our marriage now" to which he replied "no" so I said ok, our relationship is dead I never want to go back to that relationship again. I am done fighting for that marriage. I want something new, with a clean slate. I hugged him and whispered that he was once everything to me and good bye.

I know he has known that I was holding on still, was it the right thing to do to tell him I let go of that relationship?

[Starsky309]

I honestly don't think he'll make the distinction. The interaction struck me as just more holding on, to be honest.


Starsky

[twinmom]

I guess now all I can do is back up my words with action? He asked this morning if Alex was able to eat/keep it down. I answered that question and then he asked how I was. I was taking the kids to school and then getting the van washed/cleaning it out so after I was done I replied to his question. He responded and I left it at that....

I am thinking once the kids get completely over these colds he won't communicate nearly as much, but this is only the second time in 4 weeks that he has asked me how I am. Baby step or reading too much into it?

[Starsky309]

I thought the goal you had set for yourself was to email him only ONCE at the end of the day, and answer any questions about the KIDS ONLY?

Or am I getting your sitch confused with someone else? I thought I had remembered Train or someone suggesting that you to, and you thought it was a good idea. I certainly do! These exchanges only set you reeling, in my observation.

Starsky

[twinmom]

I did like texting only once per day to answer all questions except I thought if I were him I would want to know if our kids had vomited or were keeping food down. And yes I totally took the bait when he asked about me

[Train]

I know how hard it is, especially when you're emotional and grasping at straws, but what good does it do for you to tell - or for him to know - that the kids are not keeping food down?

You are a strong, confidant woman and mother. One who doesn't need to inform your H when the kids aren't feeling well. You've got this handled. You don't NEED him. (And texting him about such things really DOES count as "pursuing," IMO.)

Here's the thing, specific to As: When Hs leave, it's usually because the OW offers a temporary escape from the cumbersome aspects of home (the kids, the bills, the dishes, the dinner choices, the laundry). So what exactly are you giving him when you send him several messages throughout the day about the kids? More of the same ...

And, yes, I know you're just responding to what he's asking. But wanna know why he's asking? To ease his own guilty conscience. To make him feel like he's more of a dad than what he's being. And you're enabling him to feel that very way.

If your H was texting only once a day to check in with the kids, or calling them once a night, okay. Not a problem, IMO. But he's texting you RELENTLESSLY. I fall to pieces for an entire Monday over seeing my husband ONCE A WEEK on Sunday. My heart races for an hour after I see his name pop up on my phone in my text feed, even if the message is just, "Yup." I cannot IMAGINE how difficult it would be if he was constantly "in my face" or popping up in my texts. Suffice it to say it would keep me at Square One indefinitely. All day long. Over and over.

Really consider the once-a-day message. And stick to it. No matter how hard it is. Even if the kids are vomiting. YOU CAN HANDLE THIS. You've got it, mama. You don't need him. Remember that. Try the once-a-day message for 3 weeks. Monitor results. See if it helps your PMA.

[Starsky309]

I know how hard it is, especially when you're emotional and grasping at straws, but what good does it do for you to tell - or for him to know - that the kids are not keeping food down?

You are a strong, confidant woman and mother. One who doesn't need to inform your H when the kids aren't feeling well. You've got this handled. You don't NEED him. (And texting him about such things really DOES count as "pursuing," IMO.)

Here's the thing, specific to As: When Hs leave, it's usually because the OW offers a temporary escape from the cumbersome aspects of home (the kids, the bills, the dishes, the dinner choices, the laundry). So what exactly are you giving him when you send him several messages throughout the day about the kids? More of the same ...

And, yes, I know you're just responding to what he's asking. But wanna know why he's asking? To ease his own guilty conscience. To make him feel like he's more of a dad than what he's being. And you're enabling him to feel that very way.

If your H was texting only once a day to check in with the kids, or calling them once a night, okay. Not a problem, IMO. But he's texting you RELENTLESSLY. I fall to pieces for an entire Monday over seeing my husband ONCE A WEEK on Sunday. My heart races for an hour after I see his name pop up on my phone in my text feed, even if the message is just, "Yup." I cannot IMAGINE how difficult it would be if he was constantly "in my face" or popping up in my texts. Suffice it to say it would keep me at Square One indefinitely. All day long. Over and over.

Really consider the once-a-day message. And stick to it. No matter how hard it is. Even if the kids are vomiting. YOU CAN HANDLE THIS. You've got it, mama. You don't need him. Remember that. Try the once-a-day message for 3 weeks. Monitor results. See if it helps your PMA.

What she said. ^^^^ x 2.


Starsky

[twinmom]

I put the plan into action tonight :-)
As far as easing his guilt you are right, 100%
This is a man who from the day I stopped nursing (13 mo old) has gotten up every single time either one has woken up in the middle of the night. He also has gotten them out of bed every single morning (rare occasion they sleep past when he leaves for work)
He did 100% of the laundry, and we cloth diaper, because he wanted to. This it's a man who every Sunday would let me sleep till 9 and have the twins bathed and ready for church. That's why I find it so heartbreaking that he thought our marriage was so horrible he was willing to sacrifice time with the kids to not be around me.
He still takes out the garbage and brings me coffee when he comes to pick up the twins.

But I did it, I didn't respond or text (since I posted this morning) and sent one long one this evening answering everything.

[Train]

Attagirl. The quicker we can come to terms with the fact that they are NOT the men we married and lived with (at least for now), the sooner we will make peace with the current circumstances. Good for you. Now stick with it. Don't budge. Consistency, consistency, consistency. It's the best thing for you ... and the ONLY thing that might bring results. Hang in there!