Two years of abuse from H. Everything normal in his life he has to twist into some dysfunctional garbage. I am so sick of it. He can't ever do the right thing.
I am so despondent guys. My poor kids do not deserve this. I can't do anything and no one can help me. Those kid's deserve normalcy. Divorce does not necessarily mean dysfunction and chaos. Life with H means dysfunction and chaos.
Only God can help me now.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
WH, you're right - your h creates chaos and dysfunction. He is not a nurturing, responsible parent. Has the GAL been contacted? Does your attorney want to amend the placement order? It is not acceptable to have your S watch D. That's a burden for him. He's already carrying a heavy load in his heart and mind. It's really too bad that your h can't see that.
I had really hoped, for your children's sake, that things would settle down once you moved. If your h had good parenting skills this current arrangement could work, though I know you miss your kids terribly when they're not with you.
I know this is hard. Try to spend your time in a meaningful way when the kids are with their dad. Work on you, your "nest" and anything that brings you joy. Follow your attorneys advice and let him sort out the rest. I do think in the end the legal system will work for you. Your h was given a chance to share custody. He has looked at this as something that he's entitled to, as if it can't be changed. He's blowing it.
I know you're upset and anxious, WH. You're kids will be alright because you love them. Continue to create a warm, nurturing, safe place for them to come home to. That's all you can control right now. Trust that it is enough.
I am absolutely beside myself. And you're right. H thinks nothing can be done. He thinks I can't and won't do anything about it. He's wrong.
I have rage starting to grow inside of me. Not good. I just don't know how this guy can be so absolutely clueless. My attorney and I knew this was gonna happen. My counselor called it to. So now what? I'm just supposed to turn a blind eye to this crap?
I'm mad. I am really angry. Something bad could have happened and still could happen.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Anger. It's a bi*** isn't it? What makes it worse, is that your anger is not inappropriate, although there may be more to it, right?
Let me ask you something WH. Is your anger solely about your D running off or is there more? I ask because you have been through a LOT and are only now starting to really work through it and gain better perspective. I see it in your thoughts. I've been there too. I don't think the question you should ask yourself is whether or not you are going to get "blowback" from your ex, but rather what's right for you. What's right for you will also be right for your kids.
When your L tells you to call the cops, you have a way to deal with the situation that you should take. I suggest following that advice as well. It won't be fun, I can promise you. But since when is the right thing the fun thing as well?
I read your other posts. The posts where you were taking out your memories and re-visiting them. I know how that is. I think it's important that you do so. I also think that emotions will come up as you do. Be careful of that, to not let them overwhelm you and color your decisions. They can.
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In my POST-divorce dating, I went through several men who were unavailable emotionally or otherwise. What was really happening was that I felt more comfortable with them, because I wasn't quite ready to give myself fully to a "real" relationship. Now I've been in a serious relationship for a year with a man who treats me like a queen, because I'm finally ready to accept that.
Yeah, when she wrote that I totally get it. I have since done some similar things myself and see that. It's easy to date somebody who is not a "threat" to your life. Not Mr Right, but Mr right now - so to speak. We learn from the people in our lives, and sometimes we learn more about ourselves than anything else. It's Ok. It's even helpful. And it's very normal for somebody who has been hurt from what I've seen.
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I didn't want to admit to being wrong. I told myself I needed to be more patient and more understanding. I told myself I was too independent and too selfish. I told myself I needed to see H's side of things. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
Um, no. In a normal relationship, that is exactly what you would do. Try to see the other person's side of things! It's how we get over, under, around issues that come up. It's how a relationship works.
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Yes I could have been stingy and mean and vindictive. Lord knows I have every reason to be. But I decided I am not going to let this divorce or the way H has treated me define who I am.
YES!! YES!! YES!! That is exactly what I've been wanting to see you write.
Look WH. You need to do what you need to do when you need to do it. You need to take care of and protect your kids in the best way you can. Be aware of the right thing vs. just your way of doing them. Like you always have. But there is no need to overthink it anymore. Try something new and go with your instinct and once you've (only) double-checked your thoughts on the matter, go with them. Stop tip-toeing around your ex. You are not going to win him over. You are not going to get him to be a rational person and get him to co-parent. He's not capable at this time in history. He may never be.
You work on being the authentic you and the mother that you are. Let the rest fall to the floor. It'll be better for all concerned and a lot less stress on you. Be the first on your block to be back to normal and you and your kids will reap huge benefits from it.
I know you want to be whole more quickly. You want this behind you faster. You're getting there. He won't be gone from your life, so you're reformulating yourself to be whole without him, despite him being in the way. That's the longer path, but it really is a solid game plan. And it will work out much more quickly if you drop some of the "extras" where you can. The extras are the things you can't control. If you do that, you can put more into the things you can control. And only you know which is which, right?
Hope you're feeling better and done with the colds and such. Been a long season....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I am angry because of what could have have happened to D. They have no business being alone. I am not tiptoeing around H because I think he will change, but because I want to make sure that I do the right thing. H won't listen to me so I need to get the legal system involved. And I want to be sure of the proper steps to take. I have heard of other parents getting burned while trying to do the the right thing. I want to make sure I have a legal leg to stand on. H says I overreact and I am too overprotective. I want to know what the law says. Plus I don't want drama. I'm sick of drama.
I do feel better. I did not take any OTC meds. Just natural and herbal stuff. Feeling more positive. Hope it lasts.
One hour till I get the kids. Hoping we don't have an argument.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Yay kid's are back. S is thrilled to be back. He is literally bouncing with happiness!! If course his birthday is in two days so he is excited about that! Lol! He talked me into getting him a new iPod. I caved. I told him that was his birthday and Easter presents. I found a refurbished one at the online apple store and I saved a boatload. That is the only reason I relented.
D has clung to me all night poor little dolly. She stunk of smoke and she said daddy was burning sticks in the firepit. So I let her soak in the tub with some of the new "spa body wash" I bought. She's such a diva. She just makes me laugh.
I got D a new dress. I won't have her on Easter Sunday so I will let her wear it next Sunday. I had two $10 coupons for Kohls and the dress was marked down to $21 so I paid $1.56 for it after tax. Can't beat that deal! I found a hair bow at another store that matches it exactly. We just have to find shoes now.
Landlord called and told me the utility bill is over $360. Highest bill ever. So I guess I need to figure out WTF is going on. I have a programmable furnace but perhaps something isn't programed correctly. I'll have him take a look at it.
In other news H has brought the dining room table and hutch that used to be in his mom's house. It looks nice and I told him so. Only thing is (and I have too much class to say this to H) it stinks. Literally. S was telling me about them moving it and S told me now the house smells like a bowling alley! Lol! See MIL smokes. Like a chimney. Pall mall non filtered. That table and hutch has been sitting in that house with her smoking like a chimney for over 25 years. Not to mention the 6 cats that used to urinate all over the house. I'm sure some of that got soaked up in that wood too. I shudder just thinking about it. I could smell it as soon as I walked in the house. Yep...smells just like MIL's house. Yuk! H wanted it because he thinks it's antique. I think he told me some story about how his grandfather brought it over on some Viking ship from Sweden. My SIL said her grandmother bought it at a department store in the 1960s. Ha! It's worth getting the divorce only to think I never have to smell that God awful smell ever again!!!
In the good news department the kids spent little time with OW this weekend and spent lots of time with just dad. They went there Friday night to get the table and came back Saturday since S had a "date" with his GF to see a late night showing of Captain America. H bought S some new socks (since S didn't have any) and a new ceiling fan for his room. At least they got time in their own house with their dad and no OW with brats in tow.
H also said since I paid the 50% deposit for S's party he would pay the rest when the party was over. I think I maybe should have gotten it in writing. Lol. He also packed up S's bike in the back of my car and didn't forget anything of the kid's. Will wonders ever cease? Makes me wonder what he is up to?
As far as the Friday deal I told D she must never ever run away. And she must never strike her brother. I gave her the speech about strangers who hurt little girls and boys and take them away. She said she understands, but I don't know for sure. I'm not letting H off the hook that easily. I'm not letting this drop.
And finally I found someone for S to talk to. Since he didn't want to see a new therapist, I talked to his Sunday School teacher at church. She wanted to talk to him and so I gave her a brief history. I asked S if he was okay with talking to her and he said yes. When he got home I asked him how it went and he said it went great and he really liked talking to her. So this will work for the interim at least. I asked her if she had any thoughts about someone who could talk to D if she needed it and she said she would think about it and let me know.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Landlord called and told me the utility bill is over $360
Yes, check the furnace program. Also, clean the coils or filter on your refrigerator, that can be a big one. And see if your utility company will do a free energy audit.
Also look out for "ghost" electronics - things that have a power light and draw power even when not on. Unplug them when not in use.
P.S. in most places a 12 year old is considered old enough to be home alone, and often old enough to babysit a sibling, so you may not get far with that in so far as the legal system is concerned. But if H hears enough whining about it from S, he may rethink his decision about D and daycare.
One other thing...did you see the electric bill? If not, ask to see it before jumping through hoops. Sometimes people will take advantage of their tenants and say such things to get more money out of them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I got D a new dress. I won't have her on Easter Sunday so I will let her wear it next Sunday. I had two $10 coupons for Kohls and the dress was marked down to $21 so I paid $1.56 for it after tax. Can't beat that deal! I found a hair bow at another store that matches it exactly. We just have to find shoes now.
Gosh! There you go again, Ms. Bargain Hunter!! I am thinking about hiring you as my personal shopper. Gee whiz, you really know how to find true savings.
As for the electric bill, isn't it in your name? I would think that landlords are required by law to transfer all utility bills to the tenant's name (the exception being gas and water), right? If it isn't in your name, I'd ask for the electric bill to be transferred to you.
