Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Barrybran]

I feel that I know what has to be done but not so much how to go about it. That's why I was looking for books and resources on communication. I feel like I'm listening better but I know it's not 100% and my memory is shocking so I may listen well but then forget information, which has happened a few times recently. I think my biggest challenge right now is to stop and listen when people talk. I'm still too jumpy. I do a far better job with my wife than with my kids, family or others but as you said, I have to change the behaviour with everyone for it to stick.

As for my wife GAL, she has friends here and I still feel awkward about saying to my wife "hey, you look after the kids while I do this". My wife may go to the gym instead of coming home to see the kids but I can't bring myself to do the same just yet. It feels very wrong to do so. I've started researching home gym equipment as I've found it challenging to get to the gym as often as I'd like. It'll be expensive but I'll have easy access and excellent flexibility. I could even go and do a workout and still be home if I'm needed for something. I've given up on buying the local newspaper because there's nothing ever in it.

[Lostforwords]

B,

You have read plenty.....and the how? Just start doing it;

-Be quiet and listen....Then eventually talk
-Repeat back what was said to you
-Ask questions....don't give advice or opinion at first
-Understand....then be understood
-Go to them....Don't call them to you (specifically the children)
-Stop judging until you understand
-Reward changed behavior (I.E....The boy does something bad, but tells you. Skip the punishment and reward the good....build trust)
-Give a compliment a day...even to your wife on something she has done.

You know what to do.....Start doing it. There really is no HOW, you just start doing it.

BE a man....get rid of the awkward feeling and do stuff.

Home gym....Wonderful idea if you use it. I have a bowflex and a treadmill. ON my bowflex....Between sets I do quick chores. That way you can watch the kids, keep getting things done, and get a work out in.

Newspaper? What is that?......I have the internet for the news LOL

[Barrybran]

The home gym idea I'd set up in the shed. It's about the only place it'll fit plus small hands wouldn't be constantly playing with it. It's also a space where I can turn my music up and tune the world out for a while. I've rediscovered recently how important tuning out with music is to me. As for the internet, I should make you Google my town :-)

Thanks for the other bits.

[Upwards]

This is a really good book on stopping conflict in relationships & improving communication but it can be used in any type of relationship.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0091856698?pc_redir=1396184047&robot_redir=1

I've used some of the techniques & had really good results

[Barrybran]

Thanks, Up

[Lostforwords]

Definitely get it out of small hands way.....Plus I bet the shed is nice and hot, so a good place to work out.

[Lostforwords]

Oh....I thought about you yesterday.

Are you up for an experiment?

I am thinking that you should compliment her once a day for something she does in the house...Thanks for working so hard, Thanks for making dinner, etc....Especially compliment her for something you don't think she did the best in the world. That said, don't compliment her on how she looks or interacts with you....Look for compliments based on things she does, not on her specifically.

[Barrybran]

I've read about that idea in a few places now. I'd love to try it but I have two problems with it: 1) how I come across to people; and 2) making genuine compliments.

I'm torn about a lot of things such as this because of how I come across to people. Do I try it and hope it works out? Do I work on my communication first before tackling things like this? Those are the kinds of questions I'm dealing with. Basically, whether I prioritise personal development before focusing on others or whether I tackle everything in one go and hopefully I get good at everything eventually.

The second one, making genuine compliments, I covered in another thread. I feel people have a natural bullsh!t detector and I feel just finding something nice to say about someone can be misconstrued and hence taken as pursuing. I could be wrong but that's my interpretation of it so far. I've tried to detach while being more aware of my surroundings and I've had the opportunity to compliment on my wife on quite a few things lately, appearance-related and not, that were genuine because I'm not focusing on giving her compliments.

So to answer your question, yes, I'm up for an experiment but I honestly don't feel as though I'm ready in terms of personal growth.

As for the gym, we're coming out of summer so I'll be potentially working out in a very cold shed. There is space in the spare bedroom if I need to bring it inside but I feel that part of my personal challenge is growing some balls and doing what's right rather than slinking back into my comfort zone. Yes, my wife is my motivation but I've been motivation deprived for much of my life so I'll take whatever motivation I can get. In saying that, I love the idea of having time by myself, in my own home but away from my wife and kids, music blaring and pumping away and seeing the results in the mirror. I'm not a vain person but everyone has some degree of vanity and I can see some results coming through from my gym work despite the stop/start nature of my gym work to date.

[Barrybran]

Tonight has been pretty lousy. I'm about an hour away from finishing work and my wife posts on Facebook that my son was bullied at school today. I call her mobile and the house phone ad couldn't reach her. I get home to find out my son was choked on the school bus on the way to by a kid five years his senior! Long story short, the school didn't call us, my wife found out from another parent this evening, I found out through Facebook and thankfully, my son is OK though he was asleep when I got home. I missed a golden validation opportunity but I was more concerned about my son's wellbeing, what happened and how my wife was going to handle it. I leave the house before everyone wakes up tomorrow so I won't have an opportunity to deal with it before my wife does so I'll take her lead.

After we'd dealt with that, my wife starts asking me questions so she can fill in paperwork about declaring our separation to the welfare agency. I was really in two minds because it's not something I really wanted to help with but I did so anyway. I don't know whether we'll be entitled to any more money and I may be crazy but I'm going to try and tough it out without government help. Firstly, I don't agree with taking government money if I don't need it, and I don't, and secondly, I'd rather go without the government money and be proud that I can survive and look after my family without it. I won't judge my wife if she gets extra in her family support payments (government payments are automatic for families here; cost of living is insane) as if she gets it, she'll be entitled to it and her and the kids will benefit. It may mean some crazy events down the road with extra spending power but I'll just do my own thing and roll with the punches when they come my way.

On the plus side, I got an email back about the home gym stuff I asked about. It'll cost an arm and a leg but I figure I'll work out regularly and get them back :-) I am torn because of how much it will cost but it really will be an investment in myself and I think it's very worthwhile. It will put some GAL stuff on hold (hey, there's a surprise) but it will be a big plus in the short GAL column that I do have.

[Barrybran]

Good timing with that post. My wife comes out of the main bedroom and says she's taking steps to make our separation known. I ask what steps those are aside from the government documents and she says "social things". I ask what that meant and she says she's telling friends. Yay me *shakes head*

I still feel good about our future. I understand I've wronged her, she doesn't trust me and she's making sure she can stand on her own two feet. I don't like that she's creating distance but I have brought it upon myself. All I can do is just to stay patient and keeping chipping away at myself.