See I'm worried that complete NC is just going to make us grow further apart & then we have no opportunities for positive interactions... It's really difficult to be completely NC because of the kids & business too.
If I move to LC/dark I don't want H to view it as though I'm going back on the boundary of me "not being in his life" or be "friends" whilst OW is either?
Thoughts on this?! Should I remain NC for the rest of the 2 weeks (as we planned) to see if he cuts contact then just go LC or do I need to tell my H that's what I'm doing?
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
See I'm worried that complete NC is just going to make us grow further apart & then we have no opportunities for positive interactions... It's really difficult to be completely NC because of the kids & business too.
The important thing here is to remember that you are living today, eating today, sleeping today, taking a shower today, tomorrow you might get the flu and all those things change, so what can you do about tomorrow? You go NC because its necessary for you, without thinking in the outcome, you cant control people growing apart, its called letting go...if you let go, the universe takes care of that, you understand? Live for today, you have many worth things to live for and if he grows apart, you will have to accept it, you will grow apart too.
Dont worry its normal that you have this kind of days, its called healing
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I understand that ye but we can't stay completely NC long term so at some point I need to take a step to change that because at the moment H's mum is being the person in between & I can only stay away from our business for a short time before that suffers.
I will need to go to LC/dark from complete NC in the next few weeks but I'm unsure how to do that as it will have to involve a discussion with H to change things... Plus I need to ensure that he isn't able to cake-eat as he absolutely will if he's able to.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Ok and if you decide to go NC for even 2 days, could you see how its not helping you at all to worry about how to get back to contact? You are worrying about the future and thats what I want you to see, start the NC and when you are close to the day that you have to contact him again, then that day we can give you advice about how and what to do, stick to your actions of today and let go of the future because you cant control it.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Ok my H has told me he's cutting contact (for the kids) with OW for a month & will give me access to his phone account etc as proof. He said he'll see how he feels at the end of that whether we move towards a divorce or not - but he also said he likes the way things are for him & he doesn't want his feelings towards me to change because he likes his freedom.... So it all seems a bit pointless?!
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
That sounds like a positive step Upwards! It seems he is trying to work things out for himself and needs some time. You really have been so patient, it is admirable. Hang in there.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
It could be either one. Both would be mindreading at this point. Try to spend the next month figuring out what YOU want in a R and see if H really fits that. Hang in there
Saw your request for me to take a look at your thread. I am flattered you've asked for my help, but I want you to understand I speak plain, so please don't get all sensitive over what I say, okay?
Like most women, and like most LBS's, you allow emotions to dictate most of your decisions. You will have to realize, expect, and accept that you are going to have hard struggles. But you cannot give over to your feelings when you are missing your H. You just have to feel whatever you feel right then......but don't act on it.
From what I have seen in your thread, this entire time has been like a dance between you and H. He pulls away and you follow him. You step back and it draws him toward you. Then he spins you around and it starts all over again. It doesn't work with a WAS who is in an A.
I am going to tell you what I have seen work the best, okay? You completely drop him. I know, you told him you've set him free, etc. But you really have not dropped him. B/c when you drop a man, you have NOTHING to do with him. plus, you don't bother to tell him anything. You just do it, and let him figure it out.
Have no contact with him! I saw where you would say you had not had contact with him for a few days......except through emails. But that is contacting! Texting, messaging, voice messages, ect., are still communication.
I don't know how you get around it when running a business together, but you need to figure it out b/c you will not be able to go forward until you do. By dropping him, you will discover how dependent on him you were. Learn to take care of you and the kids independent of him. He still should financially support his kids, but I mean in the day to day care of them, when he isn't scheduled to be with them. For example, when your son was feeling poorly. Why did your H have to be there at the house? Could you not take the child to the doctor by yourself? Now, if it was life threatening, or even required going to the ER, you could contact H to meet you there. If it is an emergency with the kids, he does need to know, but how many times is it an emergency?
I am not trying to be snarky here, b/c I honestly don't think a LBS sees themselves making excuses to contact the WAS. Like I said, if it is not something urgent or critical with the kids, ask yourself what you would do if H was no longer on earth. How would you handle it. This will not only make you a stronger woman, but your self esteem will grow with your independence. Which, that is a good thing!
I have read where LBW'S ask, "But what if he thinks I don't need him, or don't want him any longer? What if he thinks I don't want to save our M?". That's exactly what the WAS should believe! It does more than anything you could ever say to him.
The more you try to get him to make up his mind of what he wants, or decide between you and OW, the longer he will continue the dance. He has to believe he has lost you! You have have a few days at a time, then you cave to his contacts b/c you believe he is "trying" and you are a goner! It simply doesn't work that way.
Since the two of you are S, it will be easier to live your life as though he no longer was around. No more excuses made for him or yourself. Have a child visitation schedule.....and any other child related activities.....and stick to it. Do not use the kids as an excuse to contact him.
Don't answer your phone. Don't respond to email, unless it is an urgent matter. And if it were urgent, he wouldn't email. Let it go to voice mail, unless you have caller ID, then just don't answer his calls. "But wouldn't that be rude?". He cheated on you, so don t worry about showing good manners to the man. You really have to get tough.
You see, he broke your heart. Yet you are so eager to get him back. He knows it. It is very unattractive to a WAS who is in an A. And it doesn't matter if he is actually sleeping with her or not. She is in his head! And as long as she is in his head, your M won't be successful. He will bounce back and forth.
Quote:
Ok my H has told me he's cutting contact (for the kids) with OW for a month & will give me access to his phone account etc as proof. He said he'll see how he feels at the end of that whether we move towards a divorce or not - but he also said he likes the way things are for him & he doesn't want his feelings towards me to change because he likes his freedom.... So it all seems a bit pointless?!
This is complete BS! Yes, it is pointless! He told you once before how he told OW he was ending contact out of respect for you. He doesn't respect you. I hope you see it. And furthermore, he won't go a month without some type of contact with OW......b/c he is addicted to the thrill of the A. You can read about how it woks if you google it.
When a man breaks a woman's heart, it is important that she has a lot more spunk than spit. IOW, don't talk to him, don't share what you've learned, don't act helpless, don't let him see your pain, don't give him needy looks, and don't get emotional around him. Look like a million bucks, act as if you are on top of the world, and.......act as if you have a little secret that is making you very pleased. You are totally disinterested in him or what he decides to do. You have decided to be happy with your life.
Sure, it will all be an act in the beginning. That is no worse than you using DB techniques only to get him back. Just as we tell the LBS to keep working on their improvements until they become real & lasting, you keep doing these things until it feels natural. It not only makes you more attractive (even if it may not sound as if it would), it will shake him up more than anything you have done. But now this very important.........when he makes his first few positives steps in the right direction.......you do nothing. You are not impressed! B/c he needs to prove he is over OW, which only time will show. And btw, you do not tell him that he needs to stop seeing her or anything else. You have already told him these things. When he gets serious about saving the M, you won't have to tell him. Besides, when you tell what he needs,to do to save it, it is telling him you are still interested in being M to him. Understand? He needs time to be free and do his own thing (even though he has been doing it), and he needs time to get his sh1t together. If he thinks he can't play you any longer, he will get serious about wanting you back. If he believes he has lost the best thing that ever happened in his life, he will get serious. Up to this point, he hasn't truly been serious. He knew he hadn't lost you. You put pressure on him and it made him think M to you doesn't sound as good as being free.
Oh, and for goodness sake.......don't be his friend. That is the same as serving them cake to eat.
When I say this takes time, I am not talking just a few months. But if you stand a shot at busting a D, this is the way you need to go. You don't have to file, if you don't want to. But you do need,to do these other things to show you no longer care what he does.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
or am I blowing this out of proportion?!