Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Barrybran]

I'm just wondering if anyone knows of any good resources on communication. I'm about two-thirds of the way through 'The Way of the Superior Man' (TWOTSM) and I've ordered a couple more books that should arrive as I finish it. The major themes that stick out in my interactions here are that I don't listen and how I feel I come across to other people appears to be different to how I actually come across to other people.

I feel somewhat settled after the events of a few days ago. I have my own money now and I can do things on my own time. I'm freed from doing the bulk of the housework and I can put some more time and effort into the yard work, which desperately needs doing. There was some confusion between my wife and I today over my daughters' daycare arrangements but I made myself very clear and I worked through the communication to the best of my ability. It is extremely difficult talking to my wife.

Our communication has been terrible for at least a couple of years, going back to well before we got engaged. We seem to speak different languages. I've known about it for a long time and I used to argue with her most of the time and recently I took to just doing what she wanted. Between LFW's words and TWOTSM, I realise I just need to talk to her and plough through any difficulties in communication. Today, I informed her about something I had done, answered her questions about it, asked her thoughts about different ways to solve the problem and finalised arrangements. It didn't go completely smoothly but we came to an amicable solution in the end.

We had an in-person heated moment at home tonight. My son was cleaning his room and I heard a loud bang on the wall that caused a picture to fall from the other side of the wall. I called him out, asked him what caused the bang and he refused to tell me. I can't stand this form of insolence so I continued to ask at which point he burst into tears. I sent him back to his room and asked him to come out when he finished crying to tell me what happened. My wife stepped in at this point and asked him what happened and he told her something fell off the wall in his room. She then turned on me and told me to get off his back. Unfortunately, I knew my son was lying as he said the item fell on his bed which didn't explain the loud bang or why something fell off the wall in a room not connected to the same wall.

Eventually, I figured out his motivation and told him he wouldn't get what he wanted if he refused to tell me what happened. It turns out he was being silly in his room, bouncing on his bed, and he bumped into the wall knocking the picture off the other side of the wall. I knew this account was true from the evidence and my son's demeanour. I told him it was an accident but not telling me made me think he had something to hide and lying about what happened would always get him into trouble. He was apologetic and very loving for the rest of the night. I know my methods aren't fantastic but I'm learning on the run and I don't get support from my wife when it comes to parenting. As such, I tend to not listen to her when she berates me for how I deal with the kids because she's not supportive or constructive. I know I need to turn this into a constructive boundary of sorts; something along the lines of listening to my wife but not accepting her disrespect towards me and encouraging her to express her thoughts about my parenting and working together as parents.

Something from the last post, LFW has been fantastic for me, cat04. Last week I needed a friend and I was disappointed that only one person has regularly been here for me. I've received some valuable advice from a few members and as good as LFW is, he's got his own life and commitments and I'd like to think that when someone's down their support network would rally around, pick them up again and they can carry on like before.

[Lostforwords]

B,

I want you to think about this long and hard. Why won't your son come to you with the truth the first time you ask?

You can read books all day long, but the truth is right there.

Hint- Everybody in your life see's it the same as your son does....because that is how you do it.

Think long and hard B....long and hard.

[Barrybran]

I believe it's because he thinks he is going to get into trouble if he tells me. I know I haven't balanced the whole telling the truth v discipline thing very well, erring on the side of discipline over cutting the kids some slack when they own up.

[Lostforwords]

B,

You are looking at the symptoms, not the cause....Be your son and think about it.

This isn't about your parenting style.

[Barrybran]

I would say he doesn't trust me.

[Lostforwords]

Now expand that thought to others.....and ask yourself why Don't they trust me?

[Barrybran]

With my son it's probably that he'll get into trouble no matter what he says and with my wife it's probably a number of things, not just the cheating.

[Lostforwords]

Getting there B.....but let me put it out flat and straight for you my friend.

Your son- He comes to you afraid of being disciplined. He actually does trust you....He trusts that you will pass quick judgement and discipline quickly. His recent reactions shows that he is not comfortable truly opening up to you, coming to you with the truth, etc....because he feels that he isn't being heard and that judgement will be passed quickly.

Is that the type of relationship you want with your children? Now I am not saying that a child should be able to do whatever and get away with it....because that isn't parenting. It is how you go about doing it that matters. See B......your whole relationship with him is based upon what you do today, and the future will be effected by the present. Think about the following;

Age 7- He is having a hard time with math....based on his current reaction does he come to you and ask for help or does he stay in his room and hide? Knowing that done the road when his grades come along you will not be happy and punish him.

Age 11- He is getting bullied at school....Does he come to you asking for advice on handle the situation, does he not tell you and it gets potentially worse, do you handle the situation regardless of his thoughts...Taking away his right to deal with the issue himself with the advice of an experienced parent?


Age 14- He has a crush on a girl.....Would you like him to talk to you about it or not talk to you about it? You are defining this answer today....though the crossroad is well in the future....one which direction he takes was defined in this present.

Age 17- He has a girlfriend and they are talking about having sex. Is he open to coming to you talking about it so that he has a safe discussion or does he just hide it?

Now that scenario.....apply it to you your wife. I guarantee beyond a shadow of reasonable doubt that she feels the same as your son. She has basically said it over and over.....You listen to it, but you don't HEAR it.

I don't know much about relationships and even less about women. What I do know that women want above all else is to;

-Feel secure
-Feel respected
-Feel appreciated
-Feel heared

Put R.A.S.H. in to your deep memory bank....Respect her, Appreciate her, make her feel secure, and most importantly Hear her.

If you wonder why I use your son as the base of this discussion....Look up fractal systems....the whole is just a larger picture of the parts my man...combined they reflect each other and support each other.

Think about this B and have a great day....I have soccer games to coach

[Barrybran]

I had a look at fractal systems and it came up with mathematical patterns. Is that what I was supposed to find? If it was, I feel that what you're getting at is that my actions are similar with everyone and eventually they look the same to everyone (ie. habit) so if I change the initial behaviour and stay consistent with that I'll create a new fractal behaviour.

I like the RASH thing too. I'll have to write it down somewhere. It's a very simple way of summarising similar concepts I've found in DB/DR/5LL/TWOTSM.

Just a bit of journaling... when my wife and I discussed the separation details again I poured out a bunch of things. I wanted to know where I stood so I asked questions. I also wanted to create a more positive environment at home so I asked my wife to treat me more respectfully and I'd work on doing the same for her. She said no guarantees but she'd try. So far she's been far more pleasant towards me. Yesterday, I spent the day mowing the lawn. I didn't see my wife come home and I was surprised when I saw her appear from the back door, having changed from her work clothes, and brought a bottle of water out for me. Today, she offered me a piece of cake she had baked and put some cream on top for me. They're 'nothing' acts given where we are but it's so much nicer to get along than to feel like I'm going to piss her off just by breathing.

It's been easier to detach and do my own thing though I still check her out frequently. She looks fantastic. For some reason I've felt turned on more by her but consciously not wanting anything from her at the same time. That's a weird feeling.

[Lostforwords]

B,

Exactly what I wanted you to see in fractal systems.....Change the initial behavior. Look at my tag line friend, why do you think I use it? To change your behavior takes 100% commitment to it in all your interactions.....If you do it for one person, well you are doing it for them and that won't stick. You commit to changing yourself and your behavior around all people....Then things will stick. Once things stick...Then you change your world.

Right it down...Use it....In all your interactions from the kids to co-workers....Be the change B.

Honestly B....From what I have read in your posting, you backslide into an old behavior for the past month or so. You did do some things well like detaching, etc. Those are good, but I very much get the feeling you backslide a lot into your usual communication patterns....and hence her evil response to it. You have to make that change....How I would like to see you world change is your son does something wrong, but he then can feel safe and secure coming to you and admitting and accepting responsibility for his behavior. He may be disciplined for it....but he feels safe and secure coming to you. Be the change.

Your wife is on the WAS diet....On a primitive level her body is changing to become more attractive...She is working out a lot....She is gal'ing........So I bet she looks fantastic. Maybe you should take a cue from her, just saying.

B.....Are you ready to do the hard work yet? You know what has to be done, but you have to start really doing it.