Wife in MLC and getting ready to go!

[Matt165]

Hello and thank you for taking time for me, Eric.
The changes I saw in my wife before she went on her trip were subtle. Our youngest had just started school full time and she was home alone most of the day. She didn't have many (any?) female friends and was becoming isolated. She talked about going back to work part time and I supported that. Other than that, things were good.

Before her latest trip, she was still sleeping in the same bed (no sex but would accept back rubs from me when she was stressed), still wore her ring and was being nicer than she had in a long time. She even texted me when she was on her way many times and was looking to me to help her as she was nervous about going alone. 2 days into the trip the texts stopped and she started texting our daughter and her work friends instead. She got back not wearing her ring and bragging about flirting with several men on the plane and in the airport. She called it working on her "people skills". I did not react to this in a negitive way in front of her. A week later she had texted her dad and deleated her side but I was able to figure out she was telling him she opened her own back account. He told her she needed to change her passwords on email and computer as well so I wouldn't find out. I had already seen an email from the bank welcoming her as a new account holder and set it up so she wouldn't get anything in the mail to our home. This is WAY not like her.

As for me in 2 years...... I would like to be back to making the kind of money I was until the co I worked for closed. I'm involved in a start up and would like that to be taking off. I want to keep my youngest in private school for her last 4 years (something that was important to my wife until she said she wanted a divorce. Now she says she is "better off" in public school in the area she wants to live by herself in). I want to have friends that I can do fun things with and a special person to share my life with. I want that person to be my wife! We have been together for 25 years. For all but the last year she always said she would NEVER divorce. Never put her kids thru what she went through. Divorce was for "weak" people and unless there was abuse, any problem could be worked out. This is one reason I reacted badly when she dropped the bomb. I NEVER expected to hear those words come out of her. It was just 12 weeks before she said she had NO thoughts of seperation or divorce just before I got the vasectomy and now she "changed her mind" and "can't help that". Her value about marriage was something that if she had felt different about, I wouldn't have married her in the first place. I always vowed never to marry someone who thought that divorce was an option and never wanted to go through that horror!

Thanks again and any thoughts are appreciated!

[ericmsant2]

Matt

A week later she had texted her dad and deleted her side but I was able to figure out she was telling him she opened her own back account. He told her she needed to change her passwords on email and computer as well so I wouldn't find out. I had already seen an email from the bank welcoming her as a new account holder and set it up so she wouldn't get anything in the mail to our home. This is WAY not like her.

If possible, you want to keep an eye on finances. “WAY not like her”…may end up being an understatement – I hope that is not the case.

Have you read all of the material that Cadet posted?

I would like to be back to making the kind of money I was until the co I worked for closed.

How do you see that happening? What can YOU do to make this a reality for YOU?

I want to keep my youngest in private school for her last 4 years (something that was important to my wife until she said she wanted a divorce. Now she says she is "better off" in public school in the area she wants to live by herself in).

Sounds reasonable to me. Do you have a plan for how you can try and ensure that this happens? Maybe start putting money into an account for her education. As for your W comments….typical MLC behavior. Ignore her responses. Right now, your W is probably more focused on HERSELF than anyone else.

I want to have friends that I can do fun things with and a special person to share my life with.

Define what a good friend is to YOU? Do any of your current friends meet this criteria? Have you considered joining more meet up groups? What kind of hobbies do YOU have?

I reacted badly when she dropped the bomb.

Everybody usually reacts badly. It happened in the past ….so let it go.

Her value about marriage was something that if she had felt different about, I wouldn't have married her in the first place.

As hard as it is…separate HER ACTIONS from HER the PERSON. Her actions right now s*ck. Clearly she has changed…and so have you. Chances are you BOTH no longer the same person you were went you first met. You have no control over her and she has no control over YOU.

I always vowed never to marry someone who thought that divorce was an option and never wanted to go through that horror!

You are not divorced YET…..so keep a positive attitude (and yeah I know it is hard too). The more you THINK you are going to be divorced, the likely hood that you will.

So, what do you think were some of YOUR issues in the M? What thinks you wished you could have done differently?

[Matt165]

I have another question as everyone thinks I need to protect myself financially....
The money she used to open the secrect account was money she used from our joint account to pay for her trip to visit her dad. She said he would pay for it but to make things easier, she paid for the plane trip. Knowing her dad, he gave her extra to use to leave me with but I don't know how much is in it. I do know because part of it was money reimbursed from our joint account, half of any funds in that account belong to me as this is a community property state. For 15 years I worked and she stayed at home with the kids and I never held any funds from her. This is the first time in 20 years she makes the majority of the money. I used more than $30,000 of money I earned just 2 years ago to pay a debt she incurred BEFORE we married!

She told her dad it was "empowering' to open her own account and not tell me but in this state it belongs to us both! Her dad did this to her mom when they divorced and put the money in the OW's name as well as his business. He never paid any child support even though my wife was 10 and her brother 7 years old and he kept the divorce tied up in court for 10 years so he didn't have to give anything to his ex.

Do I confront my wife about the account? She has asked me to take money out of our joint account several times since opening her own and still spends from our joint accounts, never her "own'. I looked into how it works and if we file, 1/2 of that money does belong to me but knowing how her MLC mind works, she will get angry AT ME if I confront her.

A few months ago I printed some paperwork about divorce and didn't know a copy was on the printer and she found it. She just brought it to me and said "This is your's" and threw it to me. Now, I wasn't even thinking of filing, I just wanted to know what the process was as she was driving us in that direction. I would never file without talking to her and I think she must know this. Maybe she thinks I'm going to file and is doing this to protect herself? I can't imagine that she would think I would ever do such a thing but with MLC maybe I need to ask her? At the time I didn't think she needed to hear that I wasn't going to file as I'm the one trying to keep us together. Any thoughts?

[Matt165]

Thanks Eric....
I really don't have close friends I'm still in touch with. By going out more and meeting new people and trying to reconnect with others, I'm hoping to find some. The hard part is most of my old friends are married and not going through this crap. Most are couples that I'm friends with both. Hard when it's just me. They also are mostly other parents of my youngest daughters friends as that's how I've met most people over the last 12 years, from school and kids functions!

I'm trying to keep my mind on my business and work towards making that work. It's been hard as all the bad crap at home has me thinking about how to "save" my marriage. As I detach, it's gotten easier but I still need to work on that. If I can start getting this business to work as it can, the money for private school will be easier as I was able to pay for that for 2 kids for years when my wife didn't work!

As for hobbies, I am a bit in a bind there as money is tight and some of the things I want to do (like start SCUBA diving again) take money. I am going to the gym a few nights a week and joining meet up groups for hiking and such. I'm hoping to find a group that interests me and go from there. This is new and I just started this a couple weeks ago so I'm still finding my legs.

As for me and my issues in my marriage. I know that as my wife got depressed, I took over everything. I became more like a father than a husband. I became the worst "Mr. Nice Guy" doing everything and letting her walk all over me. I became upset when after she went back to work, she stopped being a wife and a mother. I pushed her to do things and when she didn't I reacted badly and ended up just doing nothing. I allowed her to just not do anything and when she would say or do something that upset me, instead of just talking to her about it, I withdrew. I started to feel like I was a single parent and when the sex stopped I also got upset. I tried being even nicer. I tried to nice guy my way to heart and that is not my normal way. I would get upset when she went a did things with her friends that she just refused to do with me. Whe all this started she said I should have just done the things (like go on vacation with the kids) and either "made" her or just done it without her. 3 years ago our youngest daughter went through a bad period. She was with a bad guy and doing things like drinking. She went and spent the night with some guy and we found out she had sex. My wife hid it from me at first but then told me. We fought about how best to handle her. She would always disagree with what I thought was right and it really came between us. When my wife told me she wanted a divorce I decided that I would no longer let her come between what I thought was best and do things the way I saw fit. The first big test was last summer when she wanted to spend the summer (on way to be Sr. in H.S.)with her new boyfriend. I said no way and my wife actually said she wished she could go away with "someone she loved" and just have sex for the summer (she also told me she did this the year she grad. from HS with her boyfriend and was "lucky" she didn't get pregnant!)and didn't want to say no to her! MLC mind in action! The only thing that bothered my wife was that people would talk and think badly of her for letting her do this! I just told my wife to stay out of my way and let me handle it. I didn't let her go, she acted out like a child (my wife got mad at me and said "I told you we should let her go"!)but in a few days was fine. That was the start of my wife letting me handle things and now my daughter is doing better than ever has a 3.7 GPA and hasn't acted out since. But I know by letting this come between my wife and I it did much damage.

She wanted me to be stronger with her. To be more like I was before, a man who took care of things, not some wimp who let his wife walk all over him. This is why when I reacted by begging and such it was so bad. Also why I NEED to detach and show her I am the man she married and not Mr. Nice Guy!

[ericmsant2]

Matt

Do I confront my wife about the account? She has asked me to take money out of our joint account several times since opening her own and still spends from our joint accounts, never her "own'. I looked into how it works and if we file, 1/2 of that money does belong to me but knowing how her MLC mind works, she will get angry AT ME if I confront her.

This is a tough one to answer. On one hand, I think you should confront her on the other, you may be pushing yourself and her to a quicker meeting with a judge. Does the secret account have a lot of money in it? If not, then I do not think it is worth it. I do believe though that she needs to stop raiding the joint account.

Maybe she thinks I'm going to file and is doing this to protect herself? I can't imagine that she would think I would ever do such a thing but with MLC maybe I need to ask her? At the time I didn't think she needed to hear that I wasn't going to file as I'm the one trying to keep us together. Any thoughts?

I would not mention anything to her. Right now, you need to focus on YOU (GAL) and detachment.

Did you read the stuff that Cadet posted to you?

[Matt165]

Hello Eric,
Yes, I read the Cadet stuff (still not totally finished) and it was eye opening in many ways. I want to be her friend again as before all this started, we were best friends but that's so hard when she is so up and down and all around in her emotions. I am learning to just try and remember that until she gets out of the MLC tunnel, I don't really want her back in my life as things will just go back to bad when she replays. I do know that my money sitch is a dual edged sword as it stopped her from just up and leaving but I need her to see that I don't need her in my life and get back to being the one who makes the most money.

I need to stop wising and hoping and just do the things I need to and not let myself get angry or upset. Easy to say and think, hard to put into action. Like today, my oldest texted that she was going to be at school for a meeting until 7:30. I got my youngest and texted my wife about it. For some reason instead of just saying "You need to pick her up at 7:30. I told her if she wanted to come home after work I'd go get her at 7:00! I shouldn't have offered but I just am so used to being the take care of it guy, I do these things and then think. Need to stop doing that!

[ericmsant2]

Matt

I need to stop wising and hoping and just do the things I need to and not let myself get angry or upset.

"I need to" ----- all it takes is the first step buddy. One step at a time.

I need to stop wising and hoping and just do the things I need to and not let myself get angry or upset.

Why do you feel the need to fix everything?

What about your past (maybe) causes you to fix things?

[Matt165]

Ok this one is one I thought about. 20 years ago just before we got married (lived together for 2 years so wife could finish college) I lost the job I loved after 12 years through no fault of my own. I had my entire Idenity wrapped up in it and became depressed. After we got married and I had trouble finding the same type of job, I started using drugs. My wife had no idea what was going on and I hid it well. After a year of me just not being me and being pretty awful, my wife said she was leaving and going to move to be with her mom 1600 miles away. I was free to go with or stay. She never asked what was wrong or tried to help but just wanted to go. I chose to go with her and it all came out on the trip. I wanted it to come out. I stopped that day and have never used again in the last 20 years. I vowed never to hurt her like that again and since, I have dedicated myself to being the best husband and later father I could. I, of course went overboard at times but always had her best interests at heart over the years.

When this all started, the first time she said she wanted a divorce, she said she never got over that. After 20 years she wished I hadn't gone with her! Of course this didn't last long once we talked and her reasons changed with in a couple days. They have changed many times until our last "talk" where she loves me but "there are many kinds of love" and she needs to "find her joy" and can't do that with me around.

I know over the last 20 years every time I got angry or upset with what she was doing, I thought about the pain I caused her back than and tried to fix things. So, this is why I have a need to fix everything. Guilt from so long ago and the vow I made to never hurt her or let her hurt again. Not my job, I know. Stupid, I know but it's been a part of me for a long time and has been hard to overcome.

[Matt165]

Had something happen last night and would like any thoughts.
We are very low on funds right now and I have told my wife this over and over again. Last night my daughter wanted to order a dress for graduation. I had told her a few days before that she needed to wait as we had bills to pay that couldn't wait. Instead, as kids are want to do, she went to her mom who told her to go ahead. I tried to tell her that we just should wait but my wife insisted that we do it now, no matter what I said. She ended up ordering the dress. Now, my wife will not take over paying the bills, has a serect bank account but refuses to listen when I tell her we just can't afford something she wants!

I tried to not get upset when she wouldn't listen but when I knew I was getting upset, I left the room. While I was in the other room I began to think about my business and the need to start making more money as it seems that I'll never get my wife to stop just spending money and blaming me if things get out of hand. At one point I was thinking about a meeting I had at work and said, out loud, "No one listens to me!" (talking to myself). I was thinking at the time about my business but my wife had come into the other room without me knowing and asked what I meant by that. I told her nicely that it was just something at work and I didn't know she was there. Her reply was "I don't believe you! What did you mean." My first thought was to let her have it! Here is this person who is screwing up my life, my finances and acting like a 15 year old saying she didn't believe ME? Thankfully I stopped myself and just said "I really don't care what you believe" and went about my business. Her reply was "Fine, whatever" and she left the room.

This is the secound time in the last week she accused me of lying when I wasn't. One of our big fights at the start of this mess was when I told her in one of our R talks that she was always saying that I was lying.(this started post Bomb-Day) Her reply was "I just said I don't think you were telling the truth. I never said you were lying". Uh? What is the difference? This was before I knew about MLC and now I know she doesn't even know what the heck she is saying or thinking or even if she is making sense, all she knows is this is how she "feels" at this moment and everything past and present is filtered through how she is feeling at that moment in time. If she feels "bad", everything has always been bad every min. of every day we have been together. If she feels good, it's because she is asserting herself and she feels good because of that. Nothing I did.

How do I handle things when, if I am doing something different or trying to GAL, instead of her accepting that this is me now, she decides to think I'm lying or manipulating. In the past I do know she could read me and how I was feeling or what I was thinking. Since I never had a reason to lie to her the few times I did (which was never for any "bad" reasons, I'm talking little white lies of which there were VERY few)she probably could tell if I was less than truthful. Now that I'm making an effort to be happy, GAL, never get angry, do my own thing, she is thinking "That's not him. He's lying about that" when all I'm doing is trying to DB? Any thoughts?

[Wonka]

Hiya, Matt!

The MLCer HATES, HATES to be told what to do. Even if you know your family's financial reality does have an impact on the family's spending patterns. So you telling W to "wait" on certain expenses after the bills are paid is to lecture her...that is how it is in her MLC mind.

You may want to try to have a financial spreadhseet that shows flow of incoming income and outgoing expenses to show W. Then again, it's NO GUARANTEE that she'll listen to you. It is because of this behavior pattern in MLCer that we all encourage the LBS to set up a separate account to protect your financial interests...that means separate credit card accounts, bank accounts, and whatnot. We've seen the MLCers around this board spend money like there's no tomorrow and flows out of the bank account(s) like water.

Don't worry or take personally what W tells you. It will change maybe 50 times a week. That is the crazymaking that the MLCer will do that drives the LBS batshit. Detach.

Continue focusing on yourself. Do things that you LIKE and ENJOY doing....hobbies, interests, and activities. Act like you two are housemates living in different spheres.

If she says you're lying or whatnot, just say:

I am sorry you feel this way. I am going to continue doing what I enjoy. If this bothers you, you will need to figure this out yourself.

Keep going on your own GAL activities. If you keep looking backward, you're bound to hit the tree head on. Wouldn't want that, do you?