2 Months In And Feeling So Broken

[hope456]

Thanks UB...feels like I;ve made a bad situation even worse...didn;t think that was even possible...

Jenn - I've felt like this several times over the past six months. After one particularly bad blow-up, I was so certain that I had screwed everything up that I called my sister and told her that I had ruined everything and there was no way H would ever see a way for us to work things out.

It happened and you can't change it. You CAN work on you and do your best not to let the situation be repeated. Forgive yourself and move forward. I've started reminding myself that, "Today is a new day." You can do this.

[JennD]

Has anyone heard the song "Say Soemthing, I'm Giving Up On You?" By Gret Big World - http://bit.ly/1kDMvDj

I can't even listen to it. It kills me...I would have followed H anywhere...

[KGirl]

Jenn, that song is a rough one for me, too. I usually have to change it when it comes on the radio. I've tried to put a moratorium on any break-up/sad songs right now because it's certainly not helping my mood! When my H and I broke up for a period of time before we were married, I listened to that kind of stuff every day, and recognize now how that prevented me from moving forward. Once in a while I'll play a few just to get them out of my system and have some mopey moments, then I can get on with life. The other ones that get to me lately are "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles and "Breakeven" by The Script (that last one they were playing at the gym...why??)

[JennD]

I know - I've started listening to a classic rock station - not my type of music at all - but they don;t play all the love songs that are killing me...

[ye21]

I know - I've started listening to a classic rock station - not my type of music at all - but they don;t play all the love songs that are killing me...

Hahahha well depends of the bands!!! Do you know what rock songs are helping me? If you can listen to Jimi Jamison : never too late
That guy has specials songs that sound just like made it for this forum

[lovethehub]

JennD,

I would definitely read DR first. DB is more clinical and DR was more helpful in actually putting DB into action, for me anyway.

All is not lost, but whoever said to focus on yourself is correct. If you are trying to be upbeat and stop complaining you probably do feel like you are pretending to be someone you aren't if that wasn't your typical behavior. However, if you think about it, I'm sure it's the behavior you would rather have regardless of what happens with H, so they are right - fake it til you become it.

My H was "done, done, done", had "no feelings left for me", "no interest in trying", etc. I read DB and DR and started LRT in Feb 2013; around Memorial Day we had our first personal interaction, we began talking a little and I started feeling like we may have a chance. I didn't push, I kept on LRT exactly like I was even though I wanted to jump right back in. I apologized for all the things I had done to hurt him and our M, using specific examples and never once blaming my behavior on things he had done. I did it without expecting anything in return and I told him before we talked that I wasn't looking for anything from him, I just wanted him to know I understood what I had done and that I was truly sorry for it. We started having sex again not long after that and by the fall I considered us in piecing. Today we are doing great. Of course things aren't perfect but we are both better at talking about things and owning our own part instead of blaming the other. Don't give up, right now your H believes what he is saying is true. I believed it when I wanted to leave and my H believed it when he wanted to leave. It is true today but that doesn't mean it will always be that way.

[JennD]

Finally the books arrived yesterday. I've read about 1/2 of DR...making sense.

Planning to spend more time tonight on setting my SMART goals. Having a hard time making them small goals as H is physically and emotionally distant. Any advise on how to set them small enough?

Thanks Lovethehub for your words of encouragement. I'm very new to this and finding it VERY hard with out some kind of reassurance or encouragement from H. Its nice to hear of someone else who is seeing the rewards of this long hard road...

[JennD]

H called to ask to come to the house last night after our heated fight on Wednesday. He's here for the weekend. To see this kids. Last night, I apologized for my harsh words last time (is that something I should be doing? Apologizing? I think yes, but not sure as far as DBing). H said I don't have to apologize, that he understands that I'm upset and hurt. I said - no I do need to apologize as we have to be able to work together for the sake of the kids.

We talked about a schedule for him to come to the house and spend time and care for the kids. Also so I can have my own time (my time to GAL).

I found it very hard to work the schedule out with him as it makes things seem real. I know - I know - it IS real. But now I'm seeing the actual results of this situation. We worked it out. So hopefully that relieves some tension. For us both.

Now I have to find some things to do to GAL. I'm taking my running workshop 3x a week but I want to find something more social. Have to do some research this week and see what my options are.

[JennD]

I keep dreaming about my H. (I am actaully able to sleep for 2 or 3 hour stretches at night, unlike closer to the BD) Dreaming that he is kissing me. So sad.

I've been detatched since he's been here since Friday. While its not easy, it makes me feel focused and like I'm doing 'something'. Rather than just foundering and making things worse.

I've read more DR and worked on my small baby step goals last night.

Feeling like I have 'some' control in this out-of-control situtation.

[JennD]

So my goals are:

-To have my H fall back in love with me
-To improve our communication
-To live under one roof happily as a family
-To get my anger and negative attitude under control

My 180
-to stop fixing things (relationship stuff)
-to stop giving - no - having - an opinion on EVERYTHING
-to stop reasoning with H about our M and R
-to stop being mad or weepy or both - ie detaching

Small, short term goals (signs things are improving)
-To have him touch me (ie hand on my back, touch my arm, etc.)
-For H to look at me, lovingly with a smile
-To have interations that are not tense or business only (ie about the house or kids)

Feedback?