too little, too late

[lost18]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...666#Post2442666


There is my old thread, if it works. Still doing better but not doing enough. I finally started exercising a little but am not where I want to be. I feel like I've accomplished things and then look around and everything is the same. I know what needs to be done but don't take action. Crazy. Worked with this with my IC and failed my first task yesterday, lol!! But, am not giving up, will get it done today and be back on track.

Still need to find GAL activities that I enjoy. Once I get back in shape I would like to start running races again. Trying to plan a girls night out. Really feel like I need to find and get back to myself. I lost myself even before the BD which I'm sure played a part. One day at a time, now I'm going to go our for a walk!

J

[lost18]

Question: D12 sprained her foot, not a big deal. Is this something I should inform H of or is that just an excuse to contact him?

[Bunches]

I think this really depends on the S. My W tends to send me messages about our boy when something is going on and has asked for the same but I've read many threads where little informative things like that are not received well. Sometimes they are taken as trying to strike up conversation or pursuing. Doesn't make sense to me but if its not really a big deal, I'd let it be.

[lost18]

That's what I decided on my walk (and talking to sister). I don't think he would receive it poorly, but I'm not sure. But since it isn't really a big deal I don't see any point in telling him, mostly because I'm not sure MY reasoning behind it. I'm sure he will talk to D12 at some point this weekend and she will tell him.

[lost18]

I've decided I drive too much! lol It seems all I do is think about R when I'm driving. Driving myself crazy...no pun intended.

Had a very vivid dream last night. I was having a R talk with my H and a "made up" OW. In the dream I was not happy because she was not a "skank." I even said that to her. She was however very demanding of my H and rude to me. He told me he was moving to KY with her and when I asked about the kids he said he would see them more than he does now. I do know that it is only a dream but it is playing on one of my fears. Craziness.

Told my D15 we could go shopping today. We have a wedding next weekend. His niece. Little worried because it is a wedding and it is "his" family. As far as I know the only one who knows is one sister and her h and kids (I'm close with them). I'm doing okay emotionally so hopefully I will be fine, definitely limit the alcohol intake.

J

[lost18]

I just read this on kdog's post and realize I'm also very guilty of this.

"I haven't been around this board in a couple of days - staying busy on the weekend helps! I realized I was kind of obsessively checking it (we're talking on the bus to work, throughout the day at work, on the bus home from work, etc.) and doing so meant I was dwelling more on my situation and H, less on myself and making my life the best it can be!"

Am really having a hard time detaching. Although I feel like I'm "doing" more I don't know how much more I'm really doing. Still have no life unless it involves my kids.

Emotionally I have been doing better but I am in knots again today. Most likely because I texted my H last night (this morning) and of course it goes against DB but more importantly I got very little response.

I have been having very vivid dreams the past few nights, one I talked about earlier but the other ones were regarding the safety of H. I woke up from a dream last night and could not get back to sleep so I texted him asking if he was ok. His response was "?????" I told him I had a bad dream. He did not respond back and I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up this morning I sent him another text saying that "I will take your no response as you're fine and I'm crazy :)" and he simply responded "ok here". I texted him again a little bit ago just saying that hope you don't think I'm being strange and explained that I've had some not good, very vivid dreams over the past few nights and I couldn't get back to sleep. Of course he didn't respond so now I'm kicking myself. Should have let it go. Although I know I have every right to be worried about him where he is and he is still my husband, until the fortress he has built around himself weakens a little this is where we are.

It frustrates me that he can just cut off any emotion at all and just stop caring. I wish I could turn off my feelings that easy.

[lost18]

Regarding Kdog's post I'm am not only obsessively checking this site but doing endless google searches on how to save my marriage, husband moved out, how to get your ex back etc. etc. Looking for more books and websites.

I need to focus on me and becoming a person I LIKE and want to be around. If you don't love yourself it is very difficult for anybody else to love you.

[lost18]

And I spoke to soon...H just texted me and it was a very light hearted jokey text! Maybe the walls are coming down just a little.

[lost18]

I guess I should add that the reason his walls are coming down is most likely because of DB and other similar programs. I'm sure he expected me to beg, plead, cry, be mad etc etc. Which is what I did initially....but then I stopped. At least around him, and although as stated earlier I'm not where I need to be I am at least better than where I was a month ago...and my house is starting to look much better (one of his big issues and I love it!)

I guess if you are new and reading this just be patient with yourself. You will have good and bad days, you will make mistakes. We all have, just keep the faith. And if you truly work on yourself you will be a happier person in the end, regardless of the outcome! Now if I can remember that daily!

J

[Bunches]

Lost, your point on obsessing over the site got me. I do it constantly. Its like I keep waiting for a post that will have the magic bullet.

[lost18]

Yup, maybe this book or that site will tell me the exact thing to do at the exact time for this sitch to change it instantly.

I did go and get my haircut today...told her that I wanted something different...it is different, cute, younger. And I'm getting highlights tomorrow! usually just color it, no highlights!

[lost18]

Tired of limbo, tired of the roller coaster of emotions.

Had a busy day today but not without a lot of thinking of my H. I would like for him to send me a text or an email but I know that is not going to happen. He is where he is right now and I'm doing my best to accept that. I watched the movie "Fireproof" last night, very interesting. Wish it were that easy.

One of my husbands complaints is that I'm very negative. Now, I agree I can be and I know I used to be very negative but feel like I'm more positive now than when I was younger. I was discussing an old email with my IC today. H wanted to spend $500 on "things for the bedroom". I thought that was a lot of money to spend. He got very upset and said how negative I was, and just forget it. I didn't think I was being negative, just asking if we needed to spend that much money. My counselor agreed, thought I was being practical, not negative. I discussed the same email with my sister who gets that I was being practical but also enlightened me to his perspective a little. He was excited by all the stuff and I shot it down which in his mind was me being negative.

Sometimes when you are so close to things you can't see both sides. My intention was not to be negative or shut him down, just thought it was a lot of $$. I know I can't go back in time but I hope in the future if I have the opportunity I can see situations from his perspective and react differently.

Missing my H.

[lost18]

Tomorrow is H's 50th birthday. The girls are making a banner and I will take a picture of them with it and post it to his FB.

Deciding if I should text him HB or not.

I hate being in this sitch...I know we all do.

ugh!

[lost18]

Not really much too say. Just feeling down. Fought with both older kids yesterday....they can make me so angry. And then I get "what is your problem, you have been so mean lately!" Which of course I don't really think I have but it certainly resonates with me. I feel like if they had any idea what was going on they would be a little more understanding and a little less selfish.

I am "working" today for the first time in 5ish years. A little nervous but I know it will be good for me. I'm subbing in middle school....yikes.

[melissag]

Hi lost, sorry to hear you are feeling down. Good for you for working! Hopefully it will be fun and will take your mind off your sitch.

Reading through your thread, I see you are doing the same thing I did for a while . . . you are analyzing your H's every move. That is going to keep you on the roller coaster. You have to choose to get off. There isn't one single thing he does that is going to change this sitch. Some things are promising signs, but you have to refuse to attach any expectations to them, or you will likely end up disappointed.

It sounds like you have not accepted your reality right now, and where your H is. Stop poking at him to see where he is. If you have another bad dream about him, keep it to yourself. Accept that right now, your H doesn't want to be married to you. I know that seems harsh but you have to do this or you will just be hurt again and again.

As far as kids are concerned, it is not their job to be understanding. Right now, they can obviously tell something is going on, and that is probably hard for them. Why is Mom acting different? What's wrong with Mom? (BTW, why have you not told them anything? They are definitely old enough to tell something is going on, and they may be angry when they find out you kept it from them.) So you need to be more understanding of them - this is probably confusing for them. Then, once you tell them, they will have their own feelings and hurt - so no, they are not there to be understanding. You are there to understand them. I know it is hard when you are hurting so much, but don't go to your kids for support and understanding. They come to you, and you go to your friends/IC/this board.

Get going with that GAL - don't lose your resolve! It is sooooo important for you to heal and keep moving forward.

Hang in there, you will be OK!!!

[lost18]

Thanks Melissa,

You seem to be the voice of reality! I know what you are saying is true, just not quite sure how to do some of it. I guess it comes with time. I'm trying to accept where H is now, I just don't want to accept this is where he'll stay. I want to get to the point I'm doing things just for me but find myself doing things that he would want me to do, at least in regards to the house. I guess it's a 180 but doesn't really feel like it.

As far as the kids...I don't go to them for support, I just wish they didn't behave like kids sometimes! They don't know what is going on. Because of our circumstances, nothing has changed for them. They don't know that H and I don't talk, or anything about the situation. At the beginning, when I was not functioning I wanted to tell them. H did not, he wanted to wait until the end of the school year. I thought about it, talked to 2 counselors with differing opinions, tried to determine what was best, if I wanted to tell them for the right reasons....I decided not to tell them yet.

Saturday was my (H's) nieces wedding. It was a rough day emotionally but I survived. The wedding was very nice and it was good to see family (H's side) that I only really see once or twice a year, even though we live 10 minutes from each other. As far as I know, none of them, other than my one S-I-L and her H know what is going on. Making plans to go to a football game in Nov or Dec with them, which is great, we'll see what happens because H will be done overseas by then...can't worry about that now though. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

J

[lost18]

Nothing new. just jotting down my feelings.

Trying to figure out how to not have expectations. I have to get over the "he could at least" mentality. Or at least get over trying to figure out his reasoning behind it. Definitely puts me on an emotional roller coaster I don't want to be on.

Still have not been GALing. Not that I sit around doing nothing but haven't done anything fun and exciting. Trying to plan a girls night but we are all busy with different family things it's hard to find a date that works. And I guess some of the other things I want to do I will just have to do on my own. I'm a co-dependent though and would like to have a friend to do them with.

I also spend too much time thinking about the past, which I can not change, and future (things H may or may not do) and it is driving me crazy. Trying to figure out when to go "home" this summer, and would like to coordinate it around H's leave. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to see him too, but in all honesty my kids would be devastated if they did not see him.

I'm feel like I'm stuck in limbo and can't pull myself through.

[melissag]

You NEED to GAL. Don't get stuck in finding the perfect activity. Just do SOMETHING. It doesn't have to be super exciting. Do you exercise? Many of us have found that regular exercise is a huge life saver. Yoga is also awesome. If you can't plan a girls' night, plan a girls' lunch, or coffee, or a walk. Or just do it with one of your friends. Doesn't have to be a big group and a big party. Find things you like to do on your own. Take a class. Volunteer somewhere. You will never get unstuck if you don't GAL.

It is extremely difficult to drop the expectations. It's a practice. Every time you catch yourself with an expectation, just give yourself a gentle reminder - no expectations.

Same with thinking about the past or guessing what the future holds. Right now you are in a place where you need to live one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Focus on the here and now. When you find yourself thinking about the past or future, refocus your thoughts to the present. There is no magic way to do this, you just have to keep at practicing, and it will (very slowly) become easier.

You are only stuck in limbo if you let yourself be. Get moving!

[lost18]

Why is it the longer I go with NC the harder it is. I thought it would get easier. Feeling very sad about the sitch today...

I know everything you are saying is right on. Knowing what I need to do and taking action has been my problem with everything. Not just this.

D12 is on the phone with him right now...I also don't understand why the kids have to initiate contact.

I am going to try to stay positive. If I give up hope than I know it is over.

[ye21]

Why is it the longer I go with NC the harder it is. I thought it would get easier. Feeling very sad about the sitch today...

Because you are in withdrawal, its like for an alcoholic to leave the alcohol, the first 90 days are the worst, this is due to a physical raction of the body, your relationship was acting phisically as a drug and no that you dont have it well you have withdrawal, dont worry it will pass!!

[lost18]

I have been really struggling the past couple of weeks. Can't seem to detach at all. Obviously doing a tons better than I was 2 months ago. I think a big part of it is I just feel like he doesn't care about me at all, and I don't get it. I know I need to stop focusing on that and focus on me. Yup, broken record.

I feel I do better during the week when the kids are at school. Maybe because I'm a little more structured, not that I'm a structured person at all. Or maybe because I don't have to worrying about hiding my sadness when I'm alone. Probably a little of both. I think summer will be tough, especially when we go on vacay.

I have started working out a little more. Still need to be more consistent. Went out with a friend for drinks which was nice. Need to get out with friends more but everybody's schedules are so crazy. Maybe once school is out we will be able to connect more.


Trying to find some things to do to GAL. So far most things I WANT to do I don't want to do alone. Kayaking, golfing, indoor rock climbing, gun range. Even thought about getting scuba certified.

[lost18]

I think the time has come that we need to tell the kids. UGH! I am dreading it. D12 overheard a conversation I was having with D15, and although it had absolutely nothing to do with the situation she got some thoughts in her head and started asking questions. She then must have heard me on the phone with a friend as well. She was very upset and crying, as I knew she would be. I did the best I could trying to answer her questions without lying. It wasn't easy. I told her we weren't getting along right now and sometimes people fight. She just kept crying and saying that she didn't want us to be separated. It was very tough.

Luckily I had an appt with my IC the next morning. She thought I handled it well. To tell the kids or not has been a tough decision. At the beginning of this all I sent an email to my H saying we needed to tell them. He did not want to, said he wanted to wait until they are out of school. After thinking it through, talking to the counselor etc I decided we could wait. I also think that this is something that we need to do together. One of the reasons my IC said she didn't think I should tell them is because "it's not etched in stone." Why put them through all of the emotions if it doesn't come to fruition. It makes sense, however, I know in H's mind right now it's over. Although he doesn't want to tell the kids, talk about it or move forward in anyway.

Now, the past 2 days she has asked if I talked to daddy today. So, not sure not telling them is going to be an option much longer. I know that I have to do the right thing for my kids, but this is BS. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. Tell them and take all of their emotions and blame myself, or wait and have them be mad at me for lying to them.

And yes, there is a selfish part of me saying that H needs to see the raw emotion from his daughters when they find out. He's the one who wants this. But in the end I will do what is best for my kids...no matter how much it hurts me.

Any advice in this situation would be appreciated.

[lost18]

So I texted H asking him to plz call D12 tonight as she has been upset and asking questions for a few days. He asked what kind of questions and what I've told her. I told him she's been asking why we haven't talked and such and that I told her as little as possible without lying. He said he would call her asked if I got her a new phone yet. (I have not)

He then proceeded to ask "how have you been doing?" Lots of responses went thru my head but I said "ok, keeping busy with kids, working, working out and stuff" He asked where I've been working and we talked briefly about that.

He then asked "are you planning on going to (vacation place)?" I responded that "we'd like to...and the girls are really looking forward to it" He asked if I was going to drive and if we were taking the dog. To which I responded that I was thinking about driving and not sure about the dog.

So not sure how I did with this. The work thing was good, and that I've been busy. I didn't ask any questions about him at all. Did not pursue him or try to hold him in the convo.

Not so sure about the trip. I wanted to drive last summer and take the dog and he was completely against it. But, by the time we buy plane tix, rent a car for 3ish weeks, kennel the dog it gets expensive. Maybe I should have said it's the only way I can afford to go...not sure.

Some things that I felt like saying but didn't: How can I explain to D12 why we're not talking when I don't understand it?

If you cared how I was doing you would call or text once and awhile.

Yes I'm driving and taking the dog because I'm a grown woman and can do what I want!

Of course I wish he would have said that he didn't want me to drive or take the dog but that would show that he cares what I do.

There is so much that I want to say to him! sigh

[Bunches]

Lost, just my opinion, but if you want to tell your kids than do it. I think if you feel it would be better for them to have him there and that would make things easier on your kids than it could make sense. But from your post about him seeing their "raw emotions" it sounds like you have expectations on his reaction and are trying to control how this affects him. I only have 1 small child so I can't say I've had to experience this one or know what is best but are you sure you aren't trying to use this against him to feel regret / remorse? I'm still not an expert but I think you should just be focusing on you and your kids.

[lost18]

I don't think I'm trying to use it against him but yes I think he should have to deal (for lack of better term) with it first hand. I think he needs to face some reality and see how this is affecting people...he dropped the bomb and took off and didn't have to deal with any aftermath. Very cowardly and selfish. I don't think I've really thought of what I expect his reaction to be and know I have no control over it.

My problem with telling the kids is I'm not sure what to do. I've went back and forth many times. Bottom line, right now if they don't need to know than I would like us to do it together, face to face because I think that is the best way to do it for them. To know that no matter what we will both be there for them.

[lost18]

I've been giving some thought to why I'm having such a hard time detaching. I've come to the realization that part of the reason is I feel like detaching and giving up are the same thing. I need to reconcile that in my mind because that is not the truth.

I know for my sanity I need to detach but am having a hard time as I am not ready to give up on my M. I am also extremely frustrated with myself because I've always thought I was so much stronger than I feel I am. Never thought that an affair wouldn't be deal-breaker for me.

I feel like maybe I was the WAW who wasn't ready to walk-away and now am throwing a fit because he walked-away first. There have been many times over the past years I've said to myself that I want more out of my M, felt like we existed more than lived much of the time. Of course never did much to change it. Even told myself a few times that I wouldn't leave but would be "OK" if he did. Now, here I am wanting more than anything to save my M and he has given up and moved on. I am holding on to the little goodness we had in our M and hoping he will see it again some day.

One of the other resources I've been using says that your marriage is only over when you decide you don't want it anymore or you simply give up. Not even close to there yet....

[melissag]

Hi lost, glad to hear you are doing better lately. Go out there and GAL even if you don't have anyone to do it with - sometimes it can be nice to do things alone! And maybe you will meet other people in the process.

About the vacation - I know things are different for everyone, but for me, even just a few months in, vacation with my kids was a godsend. I was of course crushed that H didn't want to go, and I was soooo nervous about going. I thought about canceling but decided I needed to just keep moving forward, so I went anyway. It was FANTASTIC. It was so nice to just have time to focus on my kiddos and relax without the annoyances of everyday life (laundry, dishes, homework). And I didn't really talk to H the whole time . . . it was terrific. Also, it made me realize I can do lots of things without my H - I really don't need him there, and in fact, in many ways, it was better without him there. OK, so your H doesn't care what you do - GREAT! Now you can take the dog and drive or whatever you want to do, without someone ragging on you about it! You have got to look at the positives here!

You can detach without giving up, lost. You need to get to a place where you can live without him and you know you will be OK, but that doesn't mean you don't leave the door ajar in case he wants to join you. You just need to live for you and drop all the expectations of any kind of life with H. I know that is easier said than done - I am still working on it myself - but you will get there if you just keep moving forward and focusing on you and the kids.

As far as your H having to deal with the backlash from the kids - someone told me this and it's true - it's not your job to teach your H a lesson. Trust me, even if you have to tell the kids on your own, and you place no blame on anyone in the conversation, they are not stupid, and he will feel the consequences. Of course it is easy for him right now, he's not there so he can deny that anyone is suffering because of his actions. But eventually he will see.

You are stronger than you think - quit being so hard on yourself. If your best friend was telling your story, would you be disappointed and think she wasn't strong enough? I doubt it. Stop judging yourself and where you are in the process - it only holds you back.

WRT telling the kids - I agree that having both of you there is the best way, but how much longer is that going to be? I don't think you can insist on waiting until he gets back if it is starting to be bad for the kids. If you do tell them, please talk to an expert in this field, or read a book, or do something so that you know what is appropriate to say. Your kids are at an age where they will probably be asking a lot of questions . . . but how you answer could make things worse for them if you say the wrong thing.

You ARE strong, and you ARE getting better, and you will be OK. Hang in there, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and remember what you are grateful for each and every day. ((hugs))

[Underdog]

Hi Lost,

I've not posted to you before, so hello. You're getting some good advice here, and hope you are able to put some of these to work for you.

I recognize some of the issues you have had since you started posting. Can I ask if you're working on them? The big one is that your H sees you as negative. You mentioned a situation that your C said was realistic. But I'm going to ask you to dig a little deeper. Personally, I don't see it as "negative" but if you put on his glasses for a minute, I can see why he'd say that.

So... while he thinks you're negative and you think you're cautious and frugal, how about we meet somewhere in the middle? Would it be safe to say that you're cautious when the idea isn't yours or that you haven't had time to buy in 100%? Could it be possible that you feel him wanting to spend money on things that are important to him as not your priority?

If you can answer yes or even maybe to those questions, I invite you to step back and maybe connect dots to other circumstances and issues that have arisen before. Could it be possible you value your list (whatever is on that list doesn't matter) as more important or valuable than what's on his list?

What could you do to make him more of an equal in your R? It doesn't matter if you're separated, Lost. Because he'll always be a co-parent to your kids. If you want to be able to do that effectively, you're going to have to be creative in making him feel as though his opinion matters.

I'm jumping back a few weeks to the incident of a sprained ankle. Would you have let him know if he were still living with you? Well, then, I would encourage you to tell him things that matter to him as a parent.

I understand you're hurt. I get that. And I'm not trying to tell you to ignore that. But you're going to have to set that emotion aside when it comes to ALL matters that affect the kids. He's their dad too. And what Melissa said to you is dead on right: it's not your job to bring on the consequences. Those are natural fallout from issues that arise from him not being present in your home.

And I also saw that you posed a question in your first thread that you never answered. It piqued my interest because my sister asked me the very same question when my now XH moved out: "are you pissed because he pulled the trigger first?"

I'll share with you that I was a pretty heavy victim most of my marriage. I loved to make people feel I was the long suffering spouse - I was unhappy and he didn't do the things I required of him to make me happy. I'm serious. Dead serious. And I cringe as I re-read that. I got my ass into therapy, and it took a couple years for me to realize that was MY job and completely unfair of me to expect HIM to make me happy when I clearly abandoned that job all along. But for me, he moved out while I was about 4 months into my IC.

I'm not letting my XH off the hook here - he did things that hurt our marriage. But 50% of it was my fault. And I held it against him that he was miserable enough to do something for himself that I was unwilling to do.

It's not easy to get through. But I can promise you if you work on those issues that are preventing YOU from being happy, you'll get there. You don't need to be married to be happy. It's an inside job, and you've made progress there by exercising and thinking outside the box.

But you might want to go over to Melissa's thread to see her list of things she's doing to create a better life for herself going forward. Start small and cheap. Take up embroidery. Knit. Take a spinning class at the Y. Walk with your daughters. Just do *something* every day that gives you tangible proof that you're working on yourself. You're worth it. You just have to believe it.

Hang in there. It does get better. I promise.

Betsey

[Underdog]

p.s. Here's something my DB coach (Laurie) suggested I do way back when:

If you knew that your H was coming home to the wife he always wanted and that you both would be happy as a result of the changes that you make FOR YOURSELF, what would you do?

[lost18]

Thanks Melissa, always appreciate your words of advice.

The thing with the vacation is difficult. I do plan on going on vacation, my problem is my finances are limited and once again I have to rely on H for $$. I have started subbing but that does not pay much. I do plan on getting a full time job after summer break. Most of my family is there and I always have a good time and relax. Just trying to manage the financial part of it. And yes, it will be hard emotionally because this is where H and I seemed to connect the most.

I know detaching and giving up are two separate things, I'm just struggling with the detachment. If I dig deep I know I WILL be ok regardless of what happens with my M I just of course don't want to end up there! Guess none of us do, that's why we are here.

There is no easy solution with the kids. The best I can do for them is make sure they know I love them no matter what. Although I'm questioning what he's doing with regard to his lack of communication with them, I know he is a good dad and loves them. But yes, eventually he will have to answer to them as well and it is not my job to teach him "a lesson." That I know is me stooping to a level I don't want to stoop to and wanting him to hurt.

You are stronger than you think - quit being so hard on yourself. If your best friend was telling your story, would you be disappointed and think she wasn't strong enough? I doubt it. Stop judging yourself and where you are in the process - it only holds you back.

Once again, great words. As a matter of fact, I went to dinner a few weeks ago with a friend, her H and our D12s. He told me he was amazed how well I'm doing! So I do know I'm strong, even when I don't always feel like it.

Need to come up with a motto.

[lost18]

Thanks for your post Betsey!

I recognize some of the issues you have had since you started posting. Can I ask if you're working on them? The big one is that your H sees you as negative. You mentioned a situation that your C said was realistic. But I'm going to ask you to dig a little deeper. Personally, I don't see it as "negative" but if you put on his glasses for a minute, I can see why he'd say that.

This is hard for me, although I know there are times when I'm negative, I don't see myself as a negative person. Although I definitely feel I used to be. In regard to that situation, after looking it from his POV (w/help from my sister) I do see why he viewed me as negative. And he was excited about getting some new toys and once I questioned it he felt like I was shooting him down and therefore reacted.

So... while he thinks you're negative and you think you're cautious and frugal, how about we meet somewhere in the middle? Would it be safe to say that you're cautious when the idea isn't yours or that you haven't had time to buy in 100%? Could it be possible that you feel him wanting to spend money on things that are important to him as not your priority?

I'm going to have to work on this, although he pretty much spends money on whatever he wants, whenever he wants to. I know it can also pertain to things other than spending $$. As far as making him feel like an equal in the R, I'm not sure. I feel like he has been in control and I've taken the backseat in many issues. But I guess I'm really going to have to think harder on this issue.

I'm jumping back a few weeks to the incident of a sprained ankle. Would you have let him know if he were still living with you? Well, then, I would encourage you to tell him things that matter to him as a parent.

Yes, I would have let him know, but only because we talked everyday. Not sure I would have gone out of my way unless it was serious. These questions regarding the kids are the hardest for me because I'm always questioning my reasoning behind it. I have to make sure I'm doing what is in their best interest and nothing more.

And I also saw that you posed a question in your first thread that you never answered. It piqued my interest because my sister asked me the very same question when my now XH moved out: "are you pissed because he pulled the trigger first?"

I don't remember posing this question but after thinking about it, I don't think so. I'm pissed because of the way he did it. I'm pissed because I don't think we tried to make our M work. I was never going to "pull the trigger," I still feel love and feel like we have something to fight for, I'm pissed he doesn't think it's worth a fight.

You have given me a lot to think about for sure. The role of victim is a big one. I know I've allowed him to make me feel certain ways. My IC now told me I need to take my own inventory and he needs to take his. I would always get frustrated and angry with H because he would tell me what my issues were and instead of taking care of myself I would turn around and tell him what his issues were. Even when I was running and exercising alot, feeling good about myself, I allowed him to make me feel guilty because he was in a war zone and "all I cared about was working out." Crazy what people do to each other.

[lost18]

So...had a not great conversation with H this morning. I texted him regarding D12's phone and asked him to give me a call. Didn't think this thru because I was only prepared to give him info re: the phone.

Well, he then asked about our vacation dates and told me when his dates were. When I asked if he was planning on coming to vacation spot and he said he was. Then said unless that was a problem. I told him no, the girls would of course want to spend time with him but I wasn't sure what he was planning. I had a really hard time holding back tears and I'm sure he could tell.

On a positive note he is planning on being where we are on his leave and I have time to adjust and try to have "no expectations." That is not going to be easy!

It was very awkward talking about $$ among other things. Wow. Wish I would have been more prepared for that convo.

Also told him that S18 is graduating boot camp and we would like to go to that as well.

I am going to work on myself and be the best me I can be when I do see him. More importantly work on 'acting as if' and having no expectations.

[whytry]

Lost18 I've had this happen to me as well. Out of habit I picked up phone called W to say S13 whatever and didn't think she needed to tell me stuff. Yes I tear up every time cuz I wan't nothing more than her attention.

You will do fine. I keep repeating a verse my pastor gave me and it helps when I start feeling heartache. Maybe you have a similar way to occupy your mind?

[lost18]

So after talking to IC and focusing on the positive of the summer vacay. She said to stop living in fear, I guess of the what ifs and just live. Worked Thurs and Fri which helped keep my mind from obsessing. Had made the choice to try to work on being the best me I can be, especially for the 2 weeks this summer...I allowed myself to get crushed again.

Keep in mind I use this spot to journal as well...BUT today when I logged onto facebook and went to my profile I noticed a change. It no longer said that I'm Married to H...it simply says married. I thought maybe H had deleted me but as it turns out he changed his relationship status to single! I know that FB is just a social networking site and it doesn't matter in the big picture...but this is totally out of the norm of my H. He's pretty private usually...not that he posted it to the world but if you look at his page you will see it.

I have many different thoughts about this...he could've just left this blank instead of putting single...but yup...I've dwelled on it all day. I have not told my friends or family and if anybody sees I'm sure to get questions I'm not ready for. Not to mention we have not told our kids....I'm friends with them on FB...he's not, not likely they will notice but he doesn't know that.

Also, he removed the picture I posted of the kids wishing him a happy birthday from his timeline....trying to appease the ow or potential ow....send me a message maybe?

I know I can't try to figure him out and I need to accept where he is, just venting right now.

[lost18]

Why I let something like this upset me so much. Maybe because I think it is out his character.

Something that upsets me even more is that he does not call the girls unless they contact him first or I do. Not sure what that is all about. They both have their own phone so it's not like he has to talk to me first...crazy.

Really need to stop dwelling on this. One step forward, two steps back. *sigh*

[whytry]

I understand lost18. It's silly but my W did the same to me recently and it hurts. But to speak truthfully, I started that stupid crap myself before when I was bouncing back and forth from crazy world. Ya know what, it had nothing to do with EA with OW for me. Really, who honestly would care we were both married (maybe not your case). Looking back, I was wanting attention and for W to acknowledge she wanted/needed me. NO, it would not have fixed anything at the time or have changed me. I had to have my journey to work through my issues. I think your H may be going the same way. Obviously, it's childish as my W pointed out when I did it. lmbo.

Your right don't think twice about it. Get up, go do something fun, make yourself smile!

[lost18]

I don't know why he did that, have had some different ideas. At any rate, it's thrown me reeling backwards. Of course I have been obsessing about it and yes I know I shouldn't be.

On a positive note, I did talk to him today. Was able to be light hearted and did not tear up. Also, did not mention a word about his FB status. Did let him know that I was concerned that he was not contacting the girls unless they contacted him first. Let him know D12 texted him the past 3 mornings and he did not respond. He said he didn't get them and would call her tonight.


I really need to work on me the next two months so when I do see him I am able to be positive and attractive. I have no idea what to expect, if he is planning on telling the kids while we're there, before hand or at all. All things that have me in a whirlwind of emotions.

I have an appt with my IC tomorrow, I have to work on setting some goals for myself, specifically for this summer. A quick look at what some may look like.

1) lose 15lbs (tangible)
2) buy some cute/sexy outfits
3) have no expectations (very difficult)
4) act as if, regardless of what he does
5) Do not let his words or actions bring me down.
6) Enjoy my friends and family

I know these are pretty vague, but because I haven't seen him since the bomb drop it is going to be a very emotional time. I am going to need to work very hard to get myself in a positive place before I see him. I've had a setback the past few days so I'm feeling very emotional right now so these things seem even more difficult to achieve.

I feel like he is done, moved on, hopeless. But yet I'm not willing to give up. I am going to make the most of the 10 days I will see him this summer!

When I feel hopeless I like to read the books by Liam Naden. the past couple of days I've been rereading his "Marriage Success Mindset"

I am going to save our marriage. I love my spouse and I'll do whatever it takes for us to stay together.
1. I am a great person, worthy of love and having a happy and fulfilling life.
2. I create my own happiness.
3. I am not dependent on my marriage for me to be happy.
4. I am attractive, physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. I work on becoming more attractive everyday.
5. I focus on the positive aspects or our marriage.
6. Our marriage is only going to get better and better.

Sometimes I adjust 5 and 6 to read life instead of marriage. Doing this helps me become more positive. Even though our marriage is where it is right now, I have to work on me and remember it is not over until it's over.

[whytry]

It's becoming easier for me to stay happy every time I see my W cuz I'm happy with myself. You look like you've found what works for you so run with it. I like your goals.

Don't let his craziness get in your way to be what you want to be!

[lost18]

So I've been pretty much a wreck the past few days. The FB thing really put me in a tailspin. Realized that I've been half-a$$ing DB because my H is not here. However, did have an appt today with my IC. Although, she is not familiar with DB she respects my choices and helps me with my goals. I usually leave her office feeling better. One thing she did say to me that I hadn't really thought of is this: he's confusing because he's confused. I hadn't really thought of it that way. We of course talked about the impeding vacation and she said to be charming, look good, be happy etc. etc. She said he has not dealt with any of the emotions of his decision, and being there he will have to. Makes sense.

She also pointed out (again) that I focus on things I haven't accomplished more than things I have! Interesting, maybe some of the negativity I don't think I have. Something to work on. The thing about me, most of my life, I know what I want/need/should do...it's the action I always have a problem with.

Anyway, IC gave me my job (goals). Here they are:
1) Only deal with what's coming directly at me.
2) Keep it simple
3) Don't speculate
4) Focus on positives, positive affirmations (out loud daily)
5) One room at a time (in regard to messy house)

Something to work on this week.

[LongRoad06]

My H tells me I am the most pessimistic and glass half empty person he knows. I called it being a realist and planning for the worst.

He asked me why I couldn't just plan for the best and have a backup plan if that didnt work.

Something to think about when trying to change the way you think and/or come across to others. I see how my thoughts could be construed as being a pessimist versus a realist.

[lost18]

Just checking in. Nothing new to report. SIL just left my house (not one I've talked to.) Either she has no idea or just didn't want to say it. Guessing it's the no idea considering our conversation regarding H and the fact that they aren't that close. Which again makes me wonder why he would change his FB status before telling family. I know, I know...stop trying to figure it out.

I know taking one day at a time is the best way right now, and my IC has told me not to speculate. However, I feel there are things that I need to prepare for in case they happen. If H wants to tell the girls before vacation this summer, or while we are there. If he decides not to stay at our house while on vacation but with a friend or relative. I'm going to try to not stress out about things that may or may not happen, but I do feel like I need to figure out how to prepare if they do.

Finally getting out with friends tomorrow to a movie! Looking forward to it. Will be a busy weekend anyway with D12's tournament and Mother's Day. Maybe I can get my kids all together for a nice dinner on Sunday!

[lost18]

I am in a pretty good spot right now. This GAL thing may actually work! I have not been totally consumed thinking about H or M! Yay me! Friday night I played softball, D12 had a tourney Sat & sun, went to the movie Sat night with a friend, dinner and a few minutes on the beach with the girls Sun night and Mon afternoon lunch and a long walk on the beach with a friend!

I feel so much better emotionally not obsessing, of course this is nothing I didn't know! I still have a ways to go but one day at a time right!

[lost18]

Had an appt with IC yesterday, talked to her about preparing myself for certain situations. (Ie going on vacay and H wanting to tell the girls). She said quit living in fear (again) preparing for the negative makes you negative, he's already hurt me as much as he can. She said my job is to be charming, attractive, fun, etc

We did talk about what I can say if certain things come up. But it all comes back to becoming the person I want to be regardless of what happens with M.

I do have a couple of months to prepare but the one goal for interacting with H is being positive. I've mentioned this before but this is def something I will work on.

Something else I've realized over the past few months is that H felt rejected and like I wasn't attracted to him. I will take any nuggetts of wisdom on how I can make him feel that I am attracted to him without pursuing...is that even possible??

[Georgiabelle]

Lost 18,

I think being the best you and genuinely listening to your h when he talks are a good start. When you see him, validate his feelings and just enjoy your life. Laugh. Be in the moment.

[lost18]

just enjoy your life. Laugh. Be in the moment.

PERFECT!! Thanks!

I'm starting to obsess again! Ugh!
-he's too stubborn to ever try again
-he's done, moved on
-he will never change his mind
-he's relieved it's over, happier without me

CRAZY TRAIN! Deep breaths, positive talk, no obsessing...live in the moment!

[lost18]

Oh...and go be productive!

[whytry]

I'm starting to obsess again! Ugh!
-he's too stubborn to ever try again
-he's done, moved on
-he will never change his mind
-he's relieved it's over, happier without me

CRAZY TRAIN! Deep breaths, positive talk, no obsessing...live in the moment!

I feel the same a lot of times now about my WAW. Then I remember, I did that to her previously....I really like your go be productive add-on. Not that I'm adding anything helpful to your post, but oh my goodness Lost18 it so struck deep in me! Just know you made a huge impact on my current thoughts. Thank you!

[owl777]

Hello. I read all your post. Hang in there. You mentioned repeatedly how upset you're about the FB situation. I'm saying this to those I post with, "Stop FB" if you can't handle the negative part of this social media. That's part of your challenges that you can change. I'm not anti social media, but when people concentrate on what is being said and posted on FB, rather than real conversations, and interactions, it's a waste of energy and shouldn't be part of our lives. He's obviously telling you in a blatant way that he wants to be single and doesn't want to tell you to your face what is really going on. And that is where you're at this time, but the truth will come out eventually. It most of the time does. Unfortunately, lots of people are using FB to do exactly what you experienced. What a cop out. If this were me, I would tell him I decided FB isn't a good communication tool for my Rs. This would maybe be a difficult stand for you, but make a statement to the girls that it's unkind to communicate that way. This is what FB does to R and hurts the innocent or those who use it for the fluffy, wonderful R stuff, like family pics, etc. All things can be used as weapons and FB can be one of the worst. People find out about horrible things about each other and employers fire people, etc. That's the way I see it. If you expose yourself to it, be prepared to be bombarded with the nasty stuff too.

[Maybell]

Me too. Especially today. I'm new to the board and have only gotten a little bit of response to my posts. I'm looking for people who will read the future for me and tell me what's in my life.

Thanks for the timely reminder to pay attention to myself. I'm going to do a home mani-pedi after kids go to bed and maybe even treat myself to a glass of wine and an audiobook -- since I'm lacking the ability to stay still long enough to pay attention to a print book.

Thanks.

[lost18]

Computer has been down for a few days and it's a pain to post from my kindle.

Whytry, being productive really does help. Even tho I hate doing things like cleaning and yard work I feel so much better when I do something. Sunday, D12 and I mulched the front beds and did a little weeding and trimming....it had needed it for a long time and looks 100% better. It's hard to not obsess about what they are thinking but I've have been doing much better with that lately. I just try to remember I can't change him, only me and I'm trying to change some of the things he doesn't like about me, but more importantly those are things I don't like about me! It's important to make changes for YOURSELF.

Owl, I get your point about FB, I will not give it up as it has been a great communication tool for friends and family. I'm done trying to figure out why he decided to change his status...in the big picture it means nothing as we have not told our kids anything, much less filed for D.

Maybell, keep posting, you'll get some responses. I don't post to others too often. Take care of yourself, it's does get easier but be prepared for the ups and downs.

[lost18]

I have been keeping busy, trying not to obsess one way or the other (not always successful with that but better!)

I worked Friday, played softball, went out with the team after, dinner with friends and D12 and a minor league baseball game on Saturday and Sunday worked in the yard with D12. Have definitely been more productive lately...of course not having a computer helps with productivity!

In other news H sent me a text at 1am Sat (930am his time). This is where the obsessing is hard to control.

He texted me to send a check to somebody with their address (somebody from where we are going on vacay). Then said "that will be all." (pretty typical for him...he thinks it's funny!

I responded, "I don't get to know what you bought?" (I already knew because the guy posted what he was selling on FB)

He told me what it was (a canoe with a trolling motor and fish finder) and I simply replied FUN! He replied "for fishing only" and some more info. To which I simply replied HAHAHA. He told me he also ordered something else, and I let him know our renter already has one and he said "well, we have one for the garage then." Few more informational exchanges and I did not drag it out.

So of course here's where the obsessing comes in...he bought a canoe! And he said WE!! so I spent quite a bit of time trying to decipher the meaning of these things! LOL!! Now a canoe is not necessarily his thing, but I've been wanting a couple of kayaks. But it does have a motor! he's also a total impulse buyer...bottom line STOP OBSESSING!!

Overall I think it's a positive, but obsessing about something gets me nowhere!

Fast forward 2 days later: I sent him a text letting him know the check was in the mail and I was also writing a check out of "his" account for D12's travel ball. He barely responded, just asked "how much" I told him and he didn't reply again! So just proves my point that obsessing about what he's thinking is a waste!!

This does get easier but there are times my emotions get the best of me. Today I was cleaning the garage, and I was having a hard time not thinking about him, the garage is his area! I had to change the radio station a few times because love songs make me sad still. But, while I was cleaning the garage I was kicking myself...why didn't I do some of this stuff before he decided he wanted a D?!?! I know I can't change the past, but I still get mad at myself for not doing things that now I realize would have showed him that I do care about him.

Hindsight is 20/20.

[lost18]

Feeling a little sad today, lonely and missing H. Sigh. Need to get busy but am not feeling well. I'll snap out of it I'm sure.

Had appt with IC yesterday. She thinks I'm doing great "being neutral and giving him space." I am trying to focus on the positive things I've done instead of what I still need to do. Not always easy. Part of becoming a positive person.

I wonder if this would be easier or harder if H was actually here instead of overseas.

[lost18]

Crazy how I can go from doing so well to so crappy. Haven't had much going on so it allows my mind to wander...too much. Proof that GAL really does work.

I have a busy weekend coming up and today is the last day of school so I'm sure D12 with try to keep me busy. Time to refocus on my goals and stop getting distracted with things and thoughts that are out of my control.

Sometimes I just want to tell H to F off and grow up and stop being a selfish A-hole!! You don't just stop communicating with your wife of 17+ years who you have children with. I know that won't help me reach my goal so I just vent here and to my sister.

Sometimes I think I should just give up and move on....but then I think that isn't what I want, and realistically I would be doing the same thing I'm doing now anyway so why give up on something I'm not ready to give up on?

[whytry]

lost18, I'm on the same roller coaster of emotions. I push myself to stay busy as much as I can. Please know I'm no example to follow, but I will encourage you with all I can. Stay positive!

[lost18]

Thanks WT, I appreciate the encouragement. I truly do believe that keeping busy and GAL is the key to survival!

I feel H is starting to open up a little more, no R talk but just talking in general. Thursday night he had sent me a text about something he had asked me to do, I responded and that was about it. Friday morning I asked him something pertaining to that and then decided to test the waters a little.

M: BTW, guess what I saw the other day
H: What's that?? (he responded!!)

I told him and we texted back and forth a few minutes about it, even with a little H humor involved. I though the convo was over, was not going to respond again and he texted again saying that he thinks I'm going to have to rethink my plans for TX (son's boot camp grad)maybe not bring the girls. I responded asking why and stating they would be mad about that and told him what I was thinking. I than rethought that, pretty typical response from me so then added if I had to I would. I asked him what was going on and he told me he was concerned about spending the $$ because he hurt his back pretty bad and wasn't sure how much longer he would last at this job. We talked a little bit about that and I ended it by thanking him for letting me know.

There are lots of things that were going thru my head about this convo of course, but I think the fact that he even decided to tell me about his back is a big positive.

D12 and I were out of town for the weekend at a tournament. Being in settings like this are always a little lonely for me. Although there are one or two other single parents there most of the other families are couples. Of course, since H has been gone 6 years this is nothing really new, I'm usually alone at these things anyway...just different now I guess.

Driving home I thought, A LOT! I don't need him, why am I putting myself thru this, etc. etc. And of course the opposite as well, picturing a happy future. But I always come to the same conclusion: I love my H and I want this M to work. Now it is a little easier to see that I will be OK either way, but trying to focus on my goals and stay positive.

So, yesterday I decided to reach out again. Sent him a text asking if he got to see Pres. Obama as I saw he was over by him. He responded and we sent a couple more texts back and forth. I wished him a Happy Memorial Day and he said "Thanks!" Again, I thought the convo was over and then I get another text saying d12 told him about her big win this weekend! I of course replied letting him know some of her highlights and we shared a few more texts. One of the things he did say "sorry to have missed it." Of course I'm sure he is, but I think for him to say that to me is definitely another positive along with him being the one to keep the conversation going!

I know these are little things, but def positives considering the lack of communication over the past few months. Now, again, the hard part for me is to not read too much into anything and "have no expectations." Very, very difficult.

I really feel like I have to make the most of this family vacation this summer, I keep saying it's my last hope to cast some doubt on his decision. But I really have to focus on me and not get too wrapped up in what he is or isn't doing.

[whytry]

lost18, I wish I could help more but since I caused my own heartache I don't feel I have the right to say much. Stay positive. I rethink so much of the communications with my W just like you. Is it helpful IDK. I do feel my heart skip a beat when a text, call, or email pops up. Not that everything is positive since several communications have been about insurance, divorce pwk, etc., but it still doesn't stop the feeling. Thank you for sharing so I know I'm not the only one.

[bashy]

Sometimes I think I should just give up and move on....but then I think that isn't what I want, and realistically I would be doing the same thing I'm doing now anyway so why give up on something I'm not ready to give up on?

Hi lost, just reading your story here. This quote is me down to a tee. Some days I go 'what is the point'. Perhaps me and my WAW could get back together but then what if it all goes wrong and I end up were I am now? But I suppose that is what GAL is all about.

Stay strong. I have my fingers crossed for you.

[lost18]

Thanks Bashy and Why, I appreciate your responses. I don't respond to many posts because I don't know that I have anything to say that would be useful to anyone! But know I do like getting responses if only to know I'm not alone in my thoughts.

I feel like I should be posting more about what I am doing to GAL and 180's and such but find myself just writing my thoughts and interactions mostly.

I still feel I have a big road ahead of me to make changes that I want to make. Especially when I look around my house. My IC continues to tell me that I need to focus on the accomplishments and positives and continue to work on things I haven't accomplished yet. We could all probably be nicer to ourselves.

I have been thinking about what I posted here about my interactions with H and am trying to keep myself grounded, I find myself getting too hopeful and worry that I'm setting myself up for more hurt. Have the interactions been more positive, yes. But it could mean many different things or nothing at all.

I think it's time to set up a lunch date with a friend and get back to GAL!

[whytry]

GAL & 180s are really helping me. Keep doing them and feel good about what you accomplish. My small "victories" are all I have so I strive for baby steps.

[lost18]

Just checking in. I feel like I'm going in circles. Normal I guess. H texted last night, regarding $$. We ended up texting for over an hour about different stuff...not just business. Still have a lot of work to do in regard to being able to control my emotions, especially with family vacay coming soon. I still allow my interactions or lack of with H to dictate my emotions. Not that he knows that. It really does come down to GAL...and I'm not doing enough of that.

My (H's) niece is having her graduation party today, that means seeing most of his family. Really not concerned about it like I was the wedding. I will go, have a good time, be positive!

S18 is leaving tomorrow for bootcamp. I'm ready for him to go, he's ready to go but it will still be a tough day I'm sure.

30 day ab challenge starts today. I need to get motivated. Have not been exercising enough and really want to lose some weight, that way I don't have to spend too much $$ on new clothes because I will fit into clothes I already have.

I am realizing I'm not doing the "big" things I need to be. Working on the little things which is good, but it's the big things that are key in helping save my M I think. Mostly the whole job thing. I have some things I need to do this week but really need to work some job searching in there too.

Think it's time for me to review my goals and get a better plan of action together.

[lost18]

Still feeling so sad. My son leaving has definitely left me feeling vulnerable. I'm proud of him and know he had to go, I've wanted him to go for many reasons for quite some time, but he is my son and I do miss him. My house the past couple of days has been too quiet. S gone, D15 always at a friends and D12 at camp, I feel like this is a glimpse of my future and it is very lonely. I don't like it at all. This is supposed to be the time that H and I are off doing new things and enjoying each other and more time for us. Not divorcing.

I realize I'm having a pity party, and my future is what I make it today. Just feeling really sad and lonely, good thing I have an appt with IC this morning.

I have had more contact with H the past couple of weeks. The last conversation (via text) we had was the day S left. I thanked him for calling S an told him it meant a lot to him, chatted about S for a bit and D12 moving into his room. The thing that bothers me is the way the convo ended....basically he just stopped texting, which is what has happened in the past but normally at a point that makes sense. I had told him that when S hung up the phone with H he said "that's the first time Dad has ever said he was proud of me." Maybe that hit home for him, I don't know.

And this money thing is really starting to get to me. I'm not working at all now that school is out, and with our summer plans it does not make sense for me to try to find a job right now. H is spending tons of money on stuff, which is totally normal for him before we go on vacay, but it is just rubbing me the wrong way....grrr.

On a positive note I have been more productive, house is decent, have done some yard work and been working out some. Focus on the positives! sigh

[willbwell]

hey lost, just want to say hang in there. a day at a time, right?
it so helps to look at positives!

[lost18]

Thanks Will!

Feeling better after appointment with IC and talking to my sister. Although I keep saying that I have to stop analyzing every interaction we have I continue to do just that. Realized though that I am usually analyzing the negative aspect of it (maybe an admittance that I'm more negative than I think). The fact that we are interacting at all, other than financial things (3 months ago there was no communication, is a total positive.

* Kids have been out of school for a couple of weeks and he has not mentioned telling them the situation
* he is going on vacation with us
* we are communicating more frequently and the conversations are getting longer
* he is sometimes the one to initiate and keep the conversation going
* yesterday we talked about replacing carpet in kids bedroom, I didn't think about this as a positive or negative until my sister pointed out that if he still cares about the "house" he hasn't slammed the door on coming home. This is also an opportunity for me to do a 180! Yay!! In the past we'd discuss doing things (ie getting new appliances) and I would go look around but never actually take ACTION, time to take action!

Yesterday my IC also pointed out that I have been showing genuine appreciation for him, didn't even really think about it that way! I thanked him for letting me know about his back issues and thanked him for calling son before he left for boot camp! Yay me!!

[lost18]

Riding the crazy train. I continue to struggle with focusing so much on H and our interactions or lack there of instead of me. Why is it so easy to give advice to somebody else but not take the advice yourself. Not that I haven't been doing things for me as well....but grrr!

Finished the course for him, he made 2 comments about me earning 2k for doing it. It pisses me off a little, that was $$ he transferred for plane tix and rental car for our trip for me and his kids! Ignored it, I already thanked him for transferring the extra money. Unfortunately, money to him has always been directly related to his self worth so I guess I shouldn't take it personal.

Goals:
Focus on me and kids
Stay positive
continue to work out
Eat healthier, prepare more meals
Continue to be productive around the house

[lost18]

I just read Sandi's 37 rules again....as I read thru them I think I'm doing pretty well following most of them. Of course it does make it easier that he is working in another country. But still....positives right!

[GoatGal]

"Riding the crazy train. I continue to struggle with focusing so much on H and our interactions or lack there of instead of me. Why is it so easy to give advice to somebody else but not take the advice yourself. Not that I haven't been doing things for me as well....but grrr!"

Hi Lost18,

"Crazy Train" is right!

I'm new here but have been working hard trying to put the DBing principles in place.
The problem is like someone telling you "RELAX!" and you're thinking "Yeah, but HOW? I feel like you're going to poke me in the eye with that sharp stick you're holding!"
We don't know "how" to "detach". Its probably different for everyone. Yes. Easier said than done.


I've done fairly well, but I've had moments where I lost it--BIG TIME.
So I'm no expert.
However, I do find it useful to review what was said/felt (trying not to obsess) for the purpose of picking up on little clues about where to focus my efforts and what I need to change in my exchanges with H.

It's easy to hyper-focus on every little interaction, (especially the "bad" ones!), but trying to "know why" and guess at motivations is a waste of time, because our perceptions are skewed by our anxiety, wishes, fears, pain, and anger.

On the other hand, thinking through what was said sometimes leads to a revelation way down the road.

Just today I finally understood some things H said months ago, now that some time has passed and I have more of a framework to support it.
That part has allowed me to understand him more and have more compassion, and also to lower my expectations of what he is able to give at this time.

So for me, I think reviewing things in the sense of journaling/keeping a log of sorts helps to keep the train on the track, (most days), and also shows where things are improving, which feels good.
Sometimes the positive steps are so small we don't notice them, and we therefore miss another chance to give feedback that will keep the them going with our mate.

But I think it's important to put it in terms of "how", rather than "why".

So instead of "why did he say THAT?" put it more like:
"He said X, Y, Z. How am I feeling about that, how did I react to that, how did HE react to my reaction, and how can I make our future interactions more positive?" sort of thing.

It sounds like your goals are doable and within your control, in addition to being healthy!

Good luck and hang in there!

--GG

[lost18]

Thanks for the response GG.

The problem is like someone telling you "RELAX!" and you're thinking "Yeah, but HOW? I feel like you're going to poke me in the eye with that sharp stick you're holding!"
We don't know "how" to "detach". Its probably different for everyone. Yes. Easier said than done.

Very true...knowing what to do and how to do it are not the same, unfortunately!


My IC has been telling me to stop living in fear. H has already hurt me as much as he can. But, now I'm living in fear of confirmation of that hurt. Does that even make sense?!?! I'm hoping for the best, trying not to have expectations but that isn't working out to well! In 3 weeks the girls and I leave for vacation, 2 weeks after that H will join us. I'm am trying to make a plan on how to handle everything but am worried I won't be able to control my emotions.

I have found myself focusing too much on the bigger projects around the house and letting the day to day stuff slide...not good. Need to find a happy medium!

I am trying my best to stay positive, keep busy...productively busy and take it one day at a time.

No expectations, no expectations, no expectations!

[willbwell]

when you are on vacation plan on being in a happy place mentally. Don't let h get under your skin. this is your vaca- enjoy it. enjoy your kids. there might be moments. take a deep breath...and know you can do it.
You have good goals!

[lost18]

I know that's what I have to do and that is what I'm going to focus on.

I get so mad at myself sometimes. 4 months in and I get upset about the stupid little stuff. Last night D12 said she has been texting H for 4 days and he has not responded. I asked if she wanted me to text him from my phone and she did. I sent him a text asking him to call D12 and that she has been texting him. Right away her phone rings, great. A little bit after they hung up I sent him a quick TY text. No response. It didn't really require a response...my problem is my EXPECTATIONS! grrr! I just can't seem to control them.

I read thru my first thread last night, I am doing so much better than I was, not obsessing about possible OW, taking care of myself, no breakdowns. But still have a long way to go.

Last night, after his non-reponse, I of course start thinking about possible OW, I know that re-reading my thread put that in my head. I also started feeling used. I finished his course for him and how he's back to NC! In reality I know I'm being crazy trying to figure out (as usual) his thought process or maybe there was no thought process at all.

Still putting entirely too much focus on him and not enough on me! Not sure how to change that dynamic. Per my IC I do do a lot of self-talk (sounds weird to me) to stop negative thoughts and stay focused. Still need lots of work in that area. Funny thing, even when I'm out doing for me, especially walking/running, a lot of thought about H!

Positives:
Made a decision on carpet. Still need to talk to H about it.
Have been exercising more consistently
Been working in the yard, cleaning up the back
Taking D12 to beach today, not really comfortable with myself in swim suit now but will suck it up anyway!

Things to work on:
Day to day things around the house
budgeting
job

[lost18]

Hmmm....just reading some posts and reflecting a little bit. Maybe I haven't made many changes. I feel like my life is still the same, my thought process is still the same, my house is kept up better but overall still the same. I have been on the computer for about an hour already this morning...still the same.

Still feeling sorry for myself too. Get over it and get moving!

Funny how I can think I'm making changes and when I really take a look at myself realize I've been lying to myself about it. Need to make some genuine changes for me, what am I so afraid of?

[lost18]

After I made that last post yesterday I talked to my sister. Felt much better afterwards. She reminded me that I'm doing great and even if I'm taking baby steps I'm still making progress.

She also pointed out that things could be a lot worse, I could be sitting here with divorce papers etc. etc. We've talked about when he came home in Feb and dropped the bomb and how I validated his decision (not intentionally of course). But the yard was a wreck, I had boxes still stacked in the dining room etc.

Becoming a better person, happier, more positive, getting things (no matter how little they may seem) done around the house are all little things that "may" make him doubt his decision. My IC says when we are on vacation let him see the great woman he is choosing to walk away from. I have to remain positive and not let the little stuff drag me down.

So after his non-response from 2 nights ago, which was ridiculous on my part to worry about! I texted him yesterday, my first text simply said "hey" and guess what he responded....anyway, I asked him to call me which he did. We discussed carpet for D12's room, a medical bill, buying a car for Dalmost16. Also asked him to talk to me before he transferred D15 $$ on her card because she has been difficult, he agreed. A little small talk about the weather, food and his back. Overall a pleasant conversation even though it was mostly about business.

This roller coaster seems to have no end in sight!

[lost18]

I had a dream last night that we were on our vacation, H and I were "making out" and he stopped it and said it couldn't happen. Basically shutting down any chance for us to reconnect. Don't remember all the details but obviously my fears are coming to life in my dream.

Last night I was playing softball, smiling, laughing, having fun, no thoughts about my situation. Then it dawned on me that that is how I need to behave when I see my H. However, I am really worried that my emotions are going to take over and not only ruin my chances to connect with H but also ruin my vacation.

It still is so sad to me that after 17+ we have so little communication. I also just realized that our anniversary (not legal, but celebatory) is 2 days after we come home (to different locations). We also met around the same time in 1991 and reconnected in that time frame in 1996.

Just wanted to get these thoughts out before I went for a run (yay me!) I have some thoughts I have to form more concretely but I will be looking for advice before I leave for vacation. Especially since I only have one appt with my IC beforehand, she is on vacation the week before I go on vacation.

[lost18]

Yesterday was a tough day. Sent H a text wishing him a happy father's day, no response. I tried to have no expectations but haven't figured that out yet.

What was a little problem with D15 turned into a huge blowout. She spends a lot of time at her friends, which is ok but I tell her to check in everyday. After failing to check in Sat I texted her yesterday morning. "It slipped my mind" is the answer I got. Of course it was with attitude, turned into this big ordeal. D15 has the idea that we are equal as far as rules and such. Went to pick her up from her friends and she was gone, her friend didn't know where she went either. She refused to come home, asked if she could have some time to cool off first, going to get her shortly.

I get so frustrated and sad when things like this happen, I get the I'm mean, I hate being around you, I'm annoying. I realize most of it is typical teenage girl crap, however, considering what is going on I am terrified that she will blame me for the D. "maybe if you were nicer Dad wouldn't have left" kinda thing. I'm also afraid that H will see this as more validation, yes I'd hope he'd see the reality of it but I guess it goes back to my fear of not being a good mom.

I'm debating whether or not to talk to H about the situation, I feel like we need to be on the same page with this and he needs to support me. That was a big one of our issues in the past with my son and it didn't work out to well for any of us.

Feeling very lonely, my house is so quiet all of the time, usually just me and D12 here. But even when I'm out I'm lonely. Took D12 to the beach yesterday and she was off playing with her friend and I was sitting alone listening to and watching all the people...families, couples. Although I have always enjoyed the beach, very relaxing and peaceful, yesterday I felt very alone there.

I know it's time to get off my pity party, skipped going for a run this morning, didn't go yesterday either. I justified this morning because I usually walk at D12's practice. 2 weeks before I leave for vacation and less than a month before I see H again. I need to focus on positives and not making this a stressful time.

[lost18]

Some days I feel so hopeful other days so hopeless. I know the only chance there is for this marriage to survive is if I work on me and don't give up.

I really struggle with the use of my time. I feel like I waste a lot of time doing nothing (on the computer, watching tv). Now I do know that down time can be good, however, I'm a procrastinator and put things off all the time. I get up in the morning with good intentions but feel like I don't accomplish much. I have never been a structured person but find myself now wanting just a little structure. I make lists but don't look at them. I am going to try lists again, break down the big projects so I am only focusing on one at a time. I'm so all over the place.

Last appointment with my IC tomorrow before vacation and seeing my H. I am extremely stressed about seeing my H. I am usually so relaxed and laid back when we are on vacation, I know he finds that attractive because he's told me. I need to drop all the fear I have and the EXPECTATIONS of how H is going to act. Just not sure how to do that...Need to teach myself how to "act" regardless of what H is doing. I have been trying to prepare mentally.

One thing I have not considered is if he wants to talk about the R? How can I hold my emotions in check? IF that happens I need to work on validating, will be reading Wonka's post a few more times. I don't think that is going to happen, more than likely he will be distant and off doing his thing. That scares me more. I am really wanting to use this time, not to reconnect, because we certainly aren't there, but to cast some doubt in his mind.

I need to be positive, fun, happy, laid-back, outgoing. Work on being me regardless of what he is doing. I can't believe how stressed I am already and it's a month before I see him.

[lost18]

Had a major realization while talking to my sister. I am so stressed about this vacation and what will or won't happen. Will my family all find out? The kids? Friends? The reason I'm so stressed is because I'm looking at it as a "make it or break it" situation. I've been putting so much pressure on myself and this vacation that I am taking all the joy out of it.

In reality, this is not a make it or break it situation. I will come home from vacation and probably still be in limbo as I am now. Realizing this has helped me to relax a little. Also, my sister pointed out it's better to be stressed about it now, work through it and prepare for the different scenarios than stressing at the time!

Also, talked to H for about 30 minutes today. Talked about D15 and her attitude. Wanted him to know what was going on and make sure he was going to support my decisions in regard to her.

We also talked about his family...let him know what was going on with his mom. I told him she had asked how he was doing at his niece's graduation party. He said he sent her a message on FB for mother's day but she never responded....hmmm I know how he feels! In his words they have a "strained" relationship. Nothing to do with us, just has been for a few years. He also said he's not on FB much, doesn't "do much for him." Funny, he was on it enough to change his relationship status to single! Not that I mentioned that I even noticed that to him! It is odd to me that we have these seemingly normal conversations....guess I should look at that as a good thing.

[lost18]

Final appt with IC yesterday before vacay. We discussed how to handle myself on vacation again, be attractive, laid back, fun, flirty. Let him see the good he is walking away from. Other goals:

1) Don't speculate, only deal with what is coming at me
2) Don't let him lead, take control (meaning of my emotions) I guess that is the same as "act as if"
3) Invite him to do things, but do them regardless of what he does
4) IF I need to have a break down walk away and do it in private
5) Prepare only for the "Big" stuff, D talk or telling the kids and know how I'm going to respond

On another note I just spent $$ that I can't really afford on something that is so worth it! It's just the timing of it. Funny thing is it is an event with HIS family in Dec.

Went shopping yesterday with D15, I am getting a few cute things for my vacation...have to look attractive right! BUT, have been slacking in the working out and eating department. Gotta focus more on that, don't think I'm going to lose weight in a week...going to have to try to squeeze into my jeans! lol

[lost18]

It's nice to have times when I genuinely am happy. H and M are not the only thing on my mind. I have decided GAL truly is the best advice for anybody in this situation, regardless of whether they want to save their relationship or not.

I have been busy getting ready for this trip as well as trying to keep the house in check and get new carpet for D12's room. Went shopping with with D15 and dinner with both girls the other night, ran into some friends at dinner. Have taken D12 to the beach a few evenings. Yesterday I went shopping and to lunch with a friend, took D12 and her friends to beach and then I went out to listen to a friends husband play guitar and sing. An old friend owns the bar I went to so I spent some time catching up with her too. Overall the last part of my week has been good. I was supposed to go to a party today but it got cancelled...probably a good thing because I still have stuff to do.

Last night while I was out I was talking to a woman who I've never talked to. We have mutual friends and kids the same age but have never met. At one point in the conversation she says "I'm not a Last Name anymore just so you know." I had no idea, I just said oh, sorry and she proceeded to say that it was a good thing! That did start my mind wandering down all sorts of paths on my ride home...there is life after D, some people make it (D) seem so easy, is this what H sees? being happy after a D? and on and on and on....

Honestly, I know nothing about her M or D so I have no idea what she went thru. I just met the woman who came out on the other side and told me her and her son are doing great!

[lost18]

Getting a little more anxious for my vacation again. Other than a 4 text exchange about a delivery have not talked to H since early last week.

Had a good weekend. Beach with D12 and friend on Sat, then dinner and we invited a couple of girls with us. Yesterday we cleaned the house and then D15 and I went shopping. This week is haircuts and nails and last minute stuff to get ready. D12 has a tournament this weekend...I'm a little stressed.

Talked to my brother yesterday, he doesn't know what's going on. He is taking some time off and visiting when we are on vacay as well, told me he was disappointed that he will not be there when H is there because he was looking forward to seeing him. Things like this make me realize how D affects so many, not just me and H....sigh.

I know I need to stop focusing on H but I wish I had a little bit of a clue as to what is going on in his head. I'm getting some mixed messages with his actions but I know what he said 4.5 months ago and how stubborn he is. I will try hard to step off the crazy train I have created for myself and focus on me. I need to do my best to have PMA when I'm around him.

[lost18]

I am really getting discouraged. I feel as though I have made some progress but am feeling like it really is too little, too late. It's mainly the fact that we have so little contact. He has initiated a couple times in the past month or so, but there was always a reason. There were also a couple of times he kept the conversation going but not recently. I am not ready to give up on our M but am afraid I'm going to get crushed emotionally again because I have allowed myself to have hope.

I am questioning whether it is still possible to save my M considering.....

[Thornton]

I am going through the exact same thing you are, Lost.

Just feeling discouraged lately. You are not alone.

Hang in there.

[lost18]

Thanks T, always like when someone checks on me. Thought today I would lay it out a little different.

Things that are positive
1. I have been looking at my part of the failure in my M, have been working on what I can with regards to that. (house work, yard work, etc) I also recognize I have a long way to go.
2. Have been exercising more.
3. Even tho I still need to do more, I have been GALing. Spending time with friends etc.
4. Have bought some new clothes
5. New haircut and highlights
6. Finally bought a new couch
7. Spending more time with my daughters
8. I have done a pretty good job following Sandi's rules (some of that is easy for me since he is working overseas)
9. I have been seeing an IC and working on myself.
10.Although I am working on my issues that caused my M to fail, I also realize that is not ALL MY FAULT.
11. Was able to do a 180 and made a decision on carpet for D12s room, already purchased, just need to wait on delivery to schedule install.
12. Have stopped obsessing (most of the time) about possible OW.


Things to work on
1. Detaching, better but still a long way to go.
2. Analyzing every interaction I have with H. Probably goes along with detaching.
3. Spending less time on the computer.
4. Making a to do list, and actually doing it.
5. Focusing more on getting things done around the house, would help if I spent less time on the computer.
6. Eating healthy, have not lost any weight.
7. Better sleep schedule.
8. Work on resume and get a job! BIG ONE after vacation!
9. Not focusing on the what if's and should haves
10. MONEY MANAGEMENT!

Things that may be positives in R
1. After stating he wanted a D and the "ILYBNILWY" he has not taken any action to move toward D.
2. Has not brought up telling the kids although school has been out for a month.
3. Although he has only initiated contact a couple times, when I ask him to call he always responds.
4. We have had conversations that have nothing to do with "business"
5. He has kept the conversation going a couple of times.
6. He is going on vacation with us.
7. He has bought things for the family.
8. It was his idea to replace the carpet in D12s room.
9. He has told me about an issue he is having and how that may affect the future.

Things that are not positive in R
1. We will go days without any contact.
2. Most contact is initiated by me.
3. He did not respond to text when I wished him Happy Fathers Day, or birthday.
4. There has been no R discussion.
5. He changed his facebook status to single.
6. He has not been online (skype) at all since BD.
7. He is very stubborn.

Interesting that I have listed more positives than negatives. Especially since I haven't been feeling very positive lately. It doesn't even matter that some of the positives are just little things. Baby steps right!

[lost18]

It's been about 10 days since I've talked to H. We have had 2 very brief text exchanges, about 4 texts each, both regarding items being delivered or shipped to our vacay spot.....

Keeping busy getting ready for our trip.

Speak of the devil, just got a text asking when we leave for our trip.

This continues to be so difficult.

[lost18]

hmmmm....feel every time he initiates contact it is to asks me to do something. Is that a good or bad thing? or does it matter?

[lost18]

So H's text to me on Friday was regarding a boat he is looking at purchasing in vacay spot. He asked if MY DAD would go look at it for him. I let him know that he's been busy working on his house but that I would ask. I did not ask any details about the cost or anything else. He gave me the number and told me a little bit about the boat. I said I would call my dad and that was it.

Sunday I texted H to let him know my dad looked at the boat but I couldn't really talk because I was at D12s game. (then I responded to his text when he texted back!) I told him he could call my dad for details. Exchanged a few texts about it and that was it. He texted me this morning to let me know that he talked to my dad and he was transferring $$ to our bank account up there and and my dad was going to call me with the outcome. I, for the first time, did not respond to his text. My dad called me this afternoon and he has delivered the boat to our place there. I will probably text H tomorrow and let him know and make sure he transferred the $$ because my dad wrote a check.

So now I'm going to vent a little. A month ago he was concerned with me spending $$ to go see S19 graduate bootcamp, said I should reconsider, maybe not bring the girls. He's since spent probably around 2k on tools, clothes and toys for him while on vacation and now bought a boat (a good deal, and not a ton of $$ but not the point). I'm very frustrated, although I have not let him know that!! Seriously, we have a boat here that has not been in the water for 2-3 years and now needs work but he's going to buy a boat there...he'll be there for 10 days! Grrr! I'm hoping to get over my frustration before I see him...I'm sure I will because that is 2 weeks away.

Also, not that I think it's right to feel this way, but the fact that MY DAD is doing the leg work considering what's going on with us irritates me too. Of course my dad has no idea, and he really likes H. So...maybe it's a little crazy to be irritated by that but I'm allowed to feel the way I feel.

Now, if we weren't in this situation I would love to have a boat up there, but I'm not sure I'll even get to enjoy it. I haven't voiced any of my frustrations to him of course. My sister said I should act excited about the boat and ask when we are going for a ride! Is that acting as if?

I will say, not questioning it at all is a definite 180 for me.

I could really use some encouragement and some input on how to interact with H while on vacation.

[bashy]

Hi Lost, I've been having an issue similar to yours regarding WAW. She really only contacts when she needs help with something.... and I always oblige! Perhaps we should not be obliging but then that goes against the 'being a friend' advice. Can the vets can help with this?!?!

As for the boat. Perhaps now is the time to step back. Initiate no contact. If he texts then do not respond. If he persists tell him you are busy and he'll need to do it himself (in a non-confrontational manner :-))

[lost18]

Stressing out. H has decided to add daughters to FB. Weird. I don't have time to write much but am concerned I may get questions if they decide to look at his page and see that his relationship status is single!


Did respond to his text about the boat. Feeling really crazy today. Too much mind reading. I have a knot in my stomach I haven't had in weeks. Detach, detach, detach.

[bashy]

My thoughts are with you lost. Keep being strong!

[lost18]

Thanks Bashy! I don't get many replies on my thread so appreciate your support. Don't think I've checked on your thread in awhile either tho, I'll have to catch up.

We did banter back and forth about the boat, a few hahaha messages, overall the conversation was good...I think! I really, really, really need to stop mind reading and over analyzing every interaction we have. I have a little more than 2 weeks before we physically see each other again. Am working very hard on detaching and PMA. Will be busy with my family and friends and will make a point to GAL!

Still a little stressed about the FB thing but will deal with questions IF I get any! I'm sure I'm over-thinking this as well....just part of being in this situation, everything is a big deal even when it isn't!

[bashy]

It's hard not to over think. I'm at it every day. Mind reading as well lol. I suppose if I stood back for a second I'd realise what I'm doing right and wrong but I suppose that is the hard part. I think you are doing well but believe you need to continue to keep yourself busy to help stop the over thinking side of things.

[Ben2010]

Maybe you should try something simple when you talk to him or you go on vacation. Just set 3 goals for yourself. Like for instance when I went on a date with the W this weekend, I set 3 goals. The most important things to you on the date or whatever youre doing. Mine were 1)Have a good time 2)She has a good time 3) End it on a positive note. I ended up doing all of those on the date. For you it might be a day to day thing on vacation. Maybe you make it something new everyday or more challenging. Just come up with a list of things that you would like to do and break it down to the most important things.

[lost18]

Hi Ben. I agree I need to have goals. I do have goals for myself but have not thought about goals for us. I guess because again I'm living in fear! I'm afraid to set goals that include him because I'm afraid I won't reach them. Pretty ridiculous now that I see that written. Can one of the goals be that he doesn't bring up D or telling the kids?!?! aahhhh, that really is my biggest fear...

Good for you for having a good date with your W!

[Maybell]

What if your goal was to have a conversation with him in which (regardless of topic) you managed to act as if you were calm about whatever comes up and could even manage a bit of a smile?

[Ben2010]

Can one of the goals be that he doesn't bring up D or telling the kids?!?!

I dont think that would be a good goal because you cant control what he does. You might be able to influence it a bit but not to that extent. Set something simple. Maybe for your vacation:

1) Dont bring up the R at all
2) Try some light flirting
3) Have a great time no matter what happens with H

Those are just examples but they have to be something that you can affect.

[Ben2010]

That is not a bad goal either Maybell. I like that one.

[lost18]

I was kidding about him not bringing up D or tell the kids...I know that isn't a realistic goal...just a hope!

I don't know when I became a "go big or go home" girl but you guys are both right...simple goals is the way to go. Ben, 2 of your 3 were goals I've already discussed with my IC!

I leave tomorrow! He will be flying in on the 14th, this gives me time to relax and get into "vacation mode." He's told me in the past he likes me better up there because I'm more laid back...DUH! Who isn't more relaxed on vacation!! Will work on some additional goals as well and see what I come up with.

Thank you all for your input!

[Thornton]

I like it

[Maybell]

Good luck and I hope you ARE able to relax.

[lost18]

Have been having a good time on vacation for the most part, but as it closer to the day H arrives the knot in my stomach gets bigger. I realuze that is because I have not detached nearly as much as I thought I had. It is easy to feel detached when I don't see him ever. I also feel like he's pulled back since I got here. He has been in cintact with the girls, but not me. Not even to ask about the house. I'm trying not to become negative, but it's hard not to think that my marriage really is over. I have about 5 days before he gets here so I hope to pull myself out of this funk and focus on my goals.

1) be positive and happy.
2) any emotional breakdowns will be in private
3) do fun things
4) invite h to do something but do it regardless of dhat he does
5) be friendly and warm
6) make an effort to look good
7) remember I will be ok no matter what.

[lost18]

Sorry about the typos.....using my phone to post and. a challenge! [

[lost18]

6.5 hours until I see my H for the first time in 5 months. Very stressful! He has done a geat job not making any contact with me since Ive been here. We'll see how it goes. Will try to focus on my goals!

I have been having a good time on vacation, bbqs, casino, dinners, a little canoeing....even started painting the trim of our house. I was out way to late last night but I want to get the house nice and clean and myself put together before H gets here! Wish me luck!

[Wet]

Good luck and best wishes!