Noticed the computer and finances. Too funny! Not really going so well. Seems like the separation has really just allowed her more time with the OM. The schedule for parenting duties is complicated by the fact I don't trust her with the kids, and I prefer her to have them here when she is parenting. This means I'm here with them every night. I don't mind this at all, but it makes GAL very difficult.
I've been away keeping busy. Great time with the kids. Unfortunately picked places we've spent time as a family. Many memories flooded up everywhere.
When I was reading your thread, I noticed Starsky's post referring to the three things his wife didn't want to miss. I liked the first one so much, because its exactly what I have said and feel, that I decided maybe I should remind my W of this when I saw her today.
Of course, 2x4 myself , after I said it, I realized its kind of a threat, even though its a truth dart I think.
So I've been trying to do tougher love, but I fear there is too much cake eating. I'm open to any suggestions as to how I can stop this from happening.
She did say today although I've changed, she doesn't think our interaction could ever change, and then she used the example of not buying new cars a few weeks ago, which she wanted. I called her on it, saying with the current state of our relationship, I don't feel it's prudent to stretch ourselves financially, and we are not in a relationship right now, so judging my actions as they would be in a relationship is unfair. I am standing up for myself, or at least trying to. I do not wish to be a doormat. I am figuring out what my own tolerance and boundaries are.
I do worry about the loss of attraction that occurs if the W knows I know she's in an A, and she feels I am just waiting for it to end. That's why I mentioned the whole thing about not maintaining a friendship if it ends that way. Looking back, totally threat based.
I am working on the legitimate complaints about my marriage that I needed to work on, but applying them when we are separated is very hard. It's tough because its about validating her interests, her concerns, and listening to her voice and recommendations in such a way that she feels valued. Hard for me to I while I'm detaching and setting up my own life.
Her family continues to call, but she really is not listening to anyone. I struggle daily to detach. I have snooped periodically, which just confirms ongoing contact. Helps me assess if she's being truthful. I really also would like to confront the OM. But I know this is not a good idea.
I think I need to focus less on her and more on me. Easier said than done
I may switch my thread to Newcomers, seems to be much more activity there.
Really feel like there is no way this will change. I struggle daily to resist the urge to file as a last last resort technique. I fear this is the only way my WAW will change. Arghhh, the frustration is deadly. I know I need more time and patience, but I truly see her slipping away. When I listen to what she is saying compared to two months ago, it's getting more negative.....
Really feel like I've been too much of a doormat, and she's gotten her way. Time will tell I guess. I'm also starting to feel like I should just move on, and I don't need someone like her. Who knows
When I was reading your thread, I noticed Starsky's post referring to the three things his wife didn't want to miss. I liked the first one so much, because its exactly what I have said and feel, that I decided maybe I should remind my W of this when I saw her today.
Of course, 2x4 myself , after I said it, I realized its kind of a threat, even though its a truth dart I think.
This should have been brought up IN CONTEXT, preferably a response to your wife saying something about remaining friends. To initiate this convo on your own, out of the blue . . . yeah, gonna come across as a threat, or at least as some tactic.
Really feel like there is no way this will change. I struggle daily to resist the urge to file as a last last resort technique. I fear this is the only way my WAW will change.
You should never treat something as serious as divorce as some sort of DBing tactic. Even the AFTER-the-Last-Resort-Technique doesn't necessarily include filing for divorce.
Filing for divorce should be a legal, financial and even spiritual decision that you only enter into when you've tried everything else, in my opinion.
I realized too late, unfortunately. I agree with what your saying. It's not what I want to do at all. I'm just having a few down days. It will get better.
I really also would like to confront the OM. But I know this is not a good idea.
Ya, you really don't want to do that. I talked to a PI once who said people have ended up dead that way. You have no idea how OM will react when confronted. He may have a lot at stake. Could be anything from emboldened because he sees your fear, to violence, to cool calculated retribution without prejudice. OM is not your business. Besides, it will immediately get back to W, who will see it as controlling.
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I know I need more time and patience, but I truly see her slipping away. When I listen to what she is saying compared to two months ago, it's getting more negative...
Yep, mine too. Described dinner out with me and the kids the other night as "painful". It's to be expected, I guess. They are going to get better at rationalizing their actions, and it will be at our expense. And while I'd like to optimistically think that it is their fog and that it will lift, I have to admit that it might be the new reality. And if that is her new reality, the time will come when I really won't want any part of it.
So our early stage in this is to fix ourselves and determine what we really want out of a W, R and M. I think you and I are not out of this stage yet, so yes, we need time and patience. And I'll say that I think each of us has turned that focus from ourselves to W in the last week, and it's hurting us.
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I struggle daily to resist the urge to file as a last last resort technique.
Once we know what our new confident selves want, then comes the endurance test to see if W's reality can or will in any way align with ours in a timeframe that's reasonable to us. Only when you are really ready to walk would you file. And in my mind, at that point, if W wants back in, there's going to be a really high bar. And I don't mean in a retribution kind of way, but if I'm that ready to go, what would it take to get me to re-engage her demons? And if she comes back only after you filed, will you ever trust her motive? So I think filing comes when you are really, really done.
And if I'm really honest about that waiting stage, it is about me accepting that I am ready to move on, more than it is about waiting to see if she changes. [And I'm not ready to think about this yet, so I'll stop now.]
So, we have to get you out GALing more, because you need to cheer up. It has to be really hard given the age of your kids. Got any options there? Getting occasional evening kid coverage sounds like a good plan for this week, no?
My wishes to confront the OM were only in a non threatening way, more to show I am a real person, exist, and my family is real and important to me. But I totally agree it would be pointless. It would serve me for about 2 minutes, and then I would regret it. And it would be seen as controlling for sure. As I have been told, the WAW watches everything, and that would not be good for her to see
She already knows where I stand because of my little discussion yesterday. Totally agree I have turned the focus on her in the last week. Fighting to get the focus back on me.
I am trying to arrange sitting, getting out for some night activities. Friday night I had her watching the kids, and went out. I had fun, but really, she didn't ask one question about it. I know it's for me, not to expect a response from her. Just disheartening.
My short terms goals:
1)Continue to detach with zero extraneous texts not regarding kids this week 2)Exercise 5 times this week 3)Avoid any relationship discussions 4)Go out of the house twice this week 5)No snooping
We will see how these go, but should help me to work on myself and not focus on her.
Thanks for the comments. Always so refreshing to have someone's input
I had fun, but really, she didn't ask one question about it. I know it's for me, not to expect a response from her.
If you do it more often, I guarantee you won't even think about writing anything past the first three words.
BTW, mine didn't ask about it either. But she was overheard to say "I don't care. Just curious. He was probably out with his girlfriend." and two days later I caught her snooping on my phone.
Even if you got a response, it would be impossible to make sense of.
That's a good list of goals. Can't tell you how much 2) has helped me.
In FT today where we are working with a mediator to set up a schedule, W arrived late crying and "saying hates her life, how did she get here, married, divorced it doesn't matter". Although concerning for me, this took up 30 min of our session , meaning our schedule development was put off once again. This seems to be a regular tactic. I'm not sure why she keeps doing this, and I wonder if she is being sincere or stalling
I've been sticking to my goals, and have had to work hard to avoid a R discussion as W has brought it up a few times. In FT she said for me to think that our M is over, and that it is over. I realize she is saying this right now, because that is how she feels. It hurts, but it's how she feels. I fear I may have pushed her to say that. I'm trying not to do anything that pushes her. I also fear the schedule will push her away. Looking for some thoughts on this.
I have been making attempts to detach, and she has noticed, and has threatened that punishing her by detaching ( not her choice of words, but that is what I am doing), will only drive her further away. I am prepared to take this risk I guess, but it's hard, as we actually have fun when we spend time together. Of course this is cake eating.
I'm not really guessing anymore what she is thinking, and to be honest, if I hD to guess, I would assume she is scared and confused. I am. The mediator is establishing a schedule for the duration of the separation. It's not pushing towards divorce. More a way to set up boundaries for me. Projecting the reality of a divorce may be a fringe benefit, but really, either way I am realizing that I can only make my choice for me. Regardless of what my W decides, I will stop DB and make my choice as to how I proceed when I am ready. I trust I will know, instead of basing it on what my W says. Having some control helps me feel better a bit.
I can think that she has confusion and isn't sure about what she is doing all I want, but it doesn't matter. Her actions are what she is doing, and as far as I know, she is still involved in her A. I haven't snooped because there is no point right now. And I haven't asked her either.
The frustration of not being able to attempt a relationship with better communication etc and having more needs met is tough. But I am aware that I can only control myself. I find if we even talk, it is easy to get on tangents and I want to slip towards questions etc. She would like to talk tonight, but I'm worried. I don't want to get into a R talk.
Sandi, I think her mental health has stabilized as she is doing her own IC. Tough love is occurring. I'm more comfortable now with the way things sit. I still would like my kids with me at all times. I have set up precautions to monitor the situation in my house, and Nanny will be there when she is, although this is not a reality if our relationship does not rebuild
I am interested in establishing the boundaries for me, to help me GAL and detach further. My fear is that it will drive her away, but this has to be about me. I need to feel confident enough and secure enough to take this risk. Probably the biggest 180 I could do, is strengthen the appearance that I am moving on with or without her. This will take a realization by me that I can do that either way.
Anyways, enough self reflection for today. If anyone sees any areas I could improve on or change, I'm all ears. Thanks for reading.
I'm just looking to confirm the obvious, but my wife has been telling one or two people that she wishes she had fought harder for our marriage . It's tempting to tell her she still can if she likes.
However, I feel that would be pursuit, and fall into the begging and pleading that I don't want to get into. Also, falls into the category of a relationship talk.
I'm thinking it is not a good idea to open this discussion even if she brings it up tonight. What to do, what to do??
