But, if you want to have hope if reconciling you'll need to GAL etc. the two go together. They are not in opposition.
Originally Posted By: unbidden
But, if you want to have hope if reconciling you'll need to GAL etc. the two go together. They are not in opposition.
I know , I will take baby steps to gal. I certainly can start with my house Which is in shambles. Also I have wanted to start working out, I have dropped A pants size recently with the combo worrying and stress. I always love it when I loose weight and it would be the perfect time to add exercise.
I know you are in a very difficult and painful place. We have all been there. This situation defies logic so don't waste your time trying to figure out the whys or why doesn't he questions. My told my daughter last spring that she never had to worry about her parents separating or divorcing. Obviously, he changed his thought process....
You need to focus on you. You cannot control or change your h. Only you. If you start focusing on you and detaching, the hurtful things he says will not be as noticeable. You will find yourself noticing those things less and less. And please be prepared that you will be blamed for everything!!!! The weather, traffic, a bad opening day in baseball.... It runs the gamut.
All WAS/MLCers have valid issues. Listen to those (you probably know what those are) and make changes that make you better with or without h. I know it is difficult to imagine your life without your h. Right now, your m is done. That's right. Your m as you know it is gone. There are no guarantees. However, you must save you and if you focus on that there is the chance to rebuild an R. This takes time and patience.
Stop talking. He will talk if he has something to say. This is a chance for you to become the best you possible.
Yes, I am very confused at what his reactions are , they are not fair and not what they should be. Seems even one sentence thanking him is in his opinion "fake, brown nosing " and "I never stop talking.
Stresse, My H did the same thing after first BD in August. I would do/fix the exact things he said he wanted me to and then he would lash out at me. Both my IC and DB coach said it's normal and to be expected- they're afraid of believing the change only to be hurt again.
Keep doing your 180s. He needs to see consistent action.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Stresse, My H did the same thing after first BD in August. I would do/fix the exact things he said he wanted me to and then he would lash out at me. Both my IC and DB coach said it's normal and to be expected- they're afraid of believing the change only to be hurt again.
Keep doing your 180s. He needs to see consistent action.
Ok, but at the end of the day he is clearly sending the message
( just dont say anything to me because ( you talk to much, you ask stupid questions
(you go on and on(
or my favorite
( whats the point? Your acting fake and in 2 months it will be right back where we started?). But ok, thanks
My H said the exact same things at first. We are 9 months out, and he genuinely accepts everything now and will even thank me for it. It took almost 3 months for the lashing out to stop.
He truly believes you're trying to trick him. You have to prove it's not an act.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
I'm going to chime in a bit differently. Our major issue was intimacy. When my h was home, I initiated touch, ml, etc. However, when he moved out, that all changed. I don't pursue, touch and the likelihood of me initiating ML at this point is less than zero. I treat him pleasantly as a distant business associate. He also felt that I "had" to be right. I'm doing a 180 on that for me-work situations and personal. I rarely talk to my h so he probably can't "see" some of my work. That's okay. It's for me. He also said I had trust issues. I trusted him implicitly and then I discovered his web of deceit. I never called him on it because it didn't matter.
This takes time. Leave your h alone. Don't initiate any talks ursss absolutely necessary. A simple "thanks" or short response is sufficient. This will NOT be turned around quickly. However, you must work on you for you! Don't make changes in hopes he notices. I know it's difficult but let him be.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
So I guess I will use this space for my journal or venting.
I am still trying to detach, so yesterday I didn't come home right After work , instead I went to my sisters and hung out until my 3rd Db coach Session started.
I kept a few questions on a note pad for her to help me Understand which I find very helpful
My homework for the week was to keep contact short and no initiating conversation. As well as reading and filling my own bucket.
I guess I did better last week , but messed up on my anniversary by complaining about him not saying much, not even a real word to me , which was " ah hunmf" a couple syllables to let me know he didn't want to recognize this day.
.so anyway along with his outburst over the weekend in response to me thanking him for his time I brought this up to my coach. Hoping for her insight on why? I know I shouldn't dwell , but I did.
She ask me if he knows how I feel about the sitch or have I in the past ask him not to respond to me with anger or disrespect? And of course it's come up lots over time.
So she explained he shows does this simply because I have told him it bothers me and ask him not to do it.
So here comes the part that helped me understand why. He has at every turn ask me not to question him , drill him , talk and go on and on about our r and I often find myself doing this even though he's ask me not to, over and over.
She explained he's returning the disrespect I show h by not honoring his wishes.
I never understood why or how me trying to talk about us was disrespectfull until now.
Anyway that's big fore in keeping our interactions light and short.
Db coach stressed to me that I needed to give husband space and keep interactions short with no r talk.
I did this successfully for about 2 days, and on Friday i ask h if we could go to dinner with dd (11) since he found out he had to leave Sunday out of state for work and would be unable to go to a previously planned activity as a family over the weekend. My dd refused to go with us which it is not unusual for her to not want to go places. We were in the restaurant at the bar waiting for our drinks and our table when he told me " lots of people at work have complimented me on my t-shirt (he was wearing it) and want to know where you got it.
I started to tell him a story about how it was originally bought for my uncle who has since passed away , but that my cats got hair all over it and before I could wash it and give it to him he died. Well I only got half of my thoughts out before he very angrily said " see , that's one of the things I cant f-word -ing stand about you! You go on and on and never shut the f-word up.. Than he said " you see we cant get along " Im f-ing DONE! And my heart sank , holding back tears in public.
