Wife wants a divorce

[VFL]

married 10 years, together for 15.
I'm 37 she is 37 we have a daughter that is 6



Some background information. We've had our ups and downs sometimes getting into rather heated arguments but never ever violent to each other. When our daughter was born in 2007 it really put a big stress on our relationship. Having a child was a much larger undertaking than i ever thought it would be. I began to withdraw, our daughter had acid reflux, colic, you name it.

I work midnight shift because our daughter has food allergies and the after school program was very bad about letting us know when they were going to do anything with food so that we could bring something comparable in for our daughter to eat with her friends. I get home at 7am and sleep til 2 but am usually still very tired after getting her from school. So i usually take a nap when my wife gets home.

She has been telling me that all i do is sleep, and I know i sleep more than i should but if i don't sleep i fall asleep at work. I'm also not as tidy as she is, i don't help out with household chores. For a while i brought up our 'agreement' (i put that in quotations because now i realize this 'agreement' is laughable) that i would maintain the outside(painting, lawn, etc) and she would maintain the inside of the house(cleaning, etc).

I also don't communicate very well. this has caused more arguments. We would get so mad we said we would divorce when our daughter got older because we think, or at least i still think it's best for her to have us both in the house. It got to the point to where she moved into the guest bedroom last january. At first i thought this was great, i stayed secluded in 'my room' from the time my wife got home from work until i had to leave for work that night. I watched whatever TV shows i wanted, played computer games etc.

for the past couple of months i began to miss her. But she was so distant that I thought it was hopeless so i didn't try to reconnect with her.

Then that day came. She wanted a divorce. She wanted uncontested divorce so that we could come up with our own visitation schedule due to my odd working hours. At first I thought it was ok, pretty much the same deal as we've had but it would be official. Of course i choked up, watery eyes, because in the past i deeply loved this woman and was terrified of what this would do to my precious little girl.

So i tell her I would go along uncontested, the next day she goes to see her attorney and comes up with a fair deal in both of our eyes. Another day goes by and I completely lose it. I break down crying uncontrollably, she runs in my room afraid something had happened to my elderly grandmother(she isn't doing well). I tell her that's not it, I looked at her and told her. "I'm still in love with you"

She cries, storms out to my bedroom door and so are you changing your mind about agreeing to uncontested? I tell her I'm not sure. and she goes to bed.

The next day we talk, no arguing or anything but I 'convince' her, i guess, to give marriage counseling a try. She says it won't change her mind but she'll go. I ask her to give it a try because we haven't been, ever and I would like to tell our daughter one day that we tried everything to make it work.

It has been a week and a half and no arguing, I dont know if she's just relieved or it's because i'm not sleeping (1. I can't obviously. 2. this has woken me up that i need to change). She has talked about me still having dinner with them sometimes and that i don't have to leave the house immediately when she gets home usually (some nights our daughter has dance lessons)

This was a wake up call. I'm still in love with my wife and it kills me that she is no longer in love with me. I'm not saying I love you, i'm not touching her, holding her hand, hugging her. I want to badly! but i do not want to push her away.

She wants to go ahead and file for divorce but leave them unsigned. That way if she sees no improvement in us in counseling after 3 sessions we can sign and finalize the divorce.

I pray that this is salvagable.

[woundedfool]

First, immediately go to amazon/B&N (or run out) and get Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy.

Read them immediately!

While counseling will help, you need more tools then that, and it will help guide you to some things to avoid.

[stumps]

I'm probably not in any position to give any advice, just wanted to offer my condolences and let you know I understand the pervasive effect night shift work can have on a person's life. My sister worked overnight for years, and getting people to understand the far-reaching effects that can have was a constant struggle for her.

Do everything you can to 1) back off, and 2) improve your attitude and outlook. I'm miserable on the inside, but I've been walking around with a slight smile on my face at all times and keep myself busy and up-beat (as possible) at all times--which has the added benefit of keeping me out of my wife's way.

Say NOthing about the relationship and divorce. When your wife brings it up, just listen. If something demands a response say you want to think about what she's said.

One thing regarding the division of labor in your house... My wife and I had a similar "agreement" and I can tell you this: You can fix the car and mow the lawn and paint the house everyday for a thousand years and it ain't gonna matter one bit if what your spouse feels over-burdened with is the laundry and the cooking and the house cleaning. Do you know what I do now? I fix the car, mow the lawn, paint the house AND do half the laundry, half the cooking, and half the cleaning. Did it save me from marital problems? Heck no. But it sure isn't on the list of things my wife is unhappy about.

Figure out the things your wife is unhappy about and change them without talking about it. She will notice...eventually. And if she comments on it...particularly if she asks why you're doing what you're doing, you can simply say that when someone points out your flaws or mistakes or things they're unhappy about, you have a choice: you can ignore them, or you can choose to try to be a better person for your OWN benefit, and that you've decided you want to be a better person.

Regarding marriage counseling...hey, you're ahead of the game because most spouses are beyond it. Take it as an opportunity to work on YOURSELF, not your wife and not the marriage per se. Listen to what your wife has to say in the sessions and come armed with a short list of things you want to improve for YOU...I would start with your communication skills since you've already identified that as a shortcoming.

[woundedfool]

I'm probably not in any position to give any advice,

You may be new... but your post is sage advice.

[stumps]

I'm probably not in any position to give any advice,

You may be new... but your post is sage advice.

I appreciate that... Hopefully I can help myself here, but if not maybe I can help someone else...

[Accuray]

Say NOthing about the relationship and divorce. When your wife brings it up, just listen. If something demands a response say you want to think about what she's said.

Good advice from Stumps but this is an area where you need to be careful. If you stonewall her, you're putting yourself in the role of her adversary, keeping her from getting what she wants. It's often more effective to use "relationship Judo" and lean into it, granting her what she asks for without friction.

If you're against her, that's what she will focus on. If you are with her, she'll have space to think about what she's doing and why.

WRT MC, go into it with low expectations. Unless both people are going into it ready to "do the work" and make some personal changes, it's not going to fix your marriage or prevent divorce. 95% of people go 3 years too late in a situation where one partner is motivated and the other is not. Usually the reluctant partner is going to be looking to (1) help the LBS find peace, (2) get validated by the therapist that the LBS was at fault, (3) point out your issues so that the therapist can help you fix them. None of that really moves your marriage forward.

The other risk is that the reluctant spouse is usually withholding and non-communicative. The MC may lead you to pour your heart out, which is generally not a good thing when your spouse is already trying to leave. Remember that just because you're in MC doesn't mean you should turn off your filter if your spouse is uncooperative. Focus on the communication skills aspects, active listening skills, etc. and spend the majority of the time data gathering.

It can be useful to meet with the MC alone, beforehand, to plan for the joint session, and to debrief 1:1 afterwards.

Acc

[sandi2]

Welcome aboard! Is the school not required to provide you with a weekly menu? You may have to request a conference where the teacher, the school's food services director, school nurse and school social worker attend and plan how they can support you in keeping this little girl safe. That is part of their job.

[VFL]

I have the book, read more than I have in years! I'm committed to this 100000000000000000%

[VFL]

Thank you, I'm applying everything you've said.

[VFL]

She takes her lunch everyday for school. It was the after school program that was lacking.