Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Barrybran]

There doesn't seem to be a lot of action in the other forums. I'll have a look and familiarise myself with that section though. I don't have any GAL activities at the moment. I put the woodworking projects on hold because of money, I don't have time to play Playstation anymore and the only thing that has piqued my interest outside of home recently was potentially playing soccer but I don't know what's happening with work at the moment and again, money. I've been working on finding out where my money is going so I can tighten the strings a bit and put some aside for GAL activities.

Like I said in my last post, I understand why people believe I let my wife control my actions and emotions. I do have my down moments but they're fewer and farther apart. Last night was the first time my wife said she hated me and this morning was confusion over where I stand. I get that we're separated and all that entails but I don't understand her irrational behaviour. Who in their right mind complains that someone cleans too much, especially a man? This morning gave me some clarity as to what the 'rules' were so I can live my life my way while being able to support my family, my wife included, and not alienate her further.

[Mach1]

I wanted you to really think about what I was saying yesterday, an what Lost is saying to you.

Like Lost, I want people to really see things for them self, and come up with what they think...not what I see, or tell them...




BB....

I don't really need or want an explanation. None of this has to make sense to me...

It only has to make sense to you, and you alone....

What we are saying (well at least me), is that you are still way too attached to her actions and words.

Nothing seems to roll off of your back, because you don't believe in yourself first....

You are still reliant on what she thinks of you...

This woman, who has told you repeatedly that she wants nothing to do with you, still motivates your thoughts and actions...

And none of seems to stick. You get so far, and do really well, and then she vacuums you right back into her nest. So that you can be her whippin boy, and you are comfortable in doing that, because YOU still see this as a marriage, and partnership, relationship...

You have to have faith in yourself, that you are worthy of living.

You are worthy of owning your own choices and decisions, that are separate from hers, or the marriage.

And until you believe in yourself, you are going to keep doing this dance....

Own your stuff, stop making excuses for her, for yourself, and for the marriage....

And just do it....


And before you come back and give me this long "I know" ???

No, you don't know....or you wouldn't be doing it


And if you don't want your spouse (notice I didn't nor ever say Wife?) to know you better that you know yourself ????

Believe in yourself, and change yourself....

You don't need permission from her....

[Lostforwords]

B,

You are making the steps, that is for sure, but we are here to remind you that you still have a long path in front of you.

As for the irrational behavior....I used to get SCREAMED at for cleaning. The truth is she doesn't want you there nor does she want you to clean. So hence the screaming....which seems irrational to you, but to her makes common sense. Why would some one come and clean who I don't want there? Think about that....You are married, she is not....and the mindsets are different.

As to midlife....it isn't the quantity, it is the quality. Midlife is filled with more vets....people who surpass the 3 month barrier here and more talk in being here for years. People who have really taken over their lives and changed themselves for the better. That is the point you are at B.....They can be harsh over there, but their intentions are pure.

[Barrybran]

Screamed at for cleaning. Sounds like fun. I put my wife's laundry away tonight so we'll see how that goes (she's not here). I get that the WAS will create distance and act irrationally but I guess I think back to things like a parent's wisdom of "treat others how you wish to be treated". It's the feeling of wanting to take them by the shoulders and telling them to pull their head in. Funny thing is, I've put my wife through the same thing so it's justice in a way. Pretty hard pill to swallow at the moment.

[Barrybran]

I can't really say it anywhere else so I'll say it here: my wife looks freaking hot today!

I closed the store last night and on my way home my boss called me to cover her shift today. My wife was out when I got home and I left early this morning so she wasn't to know I wasn't going to be home. I hope she enjoyed her alone time. The house looks great as does she. I got in and she was wearing a pair or crimson pants she'd bought a while back but she couldn't quite fit into. Now she does and she looks stunning. I bumbled out something along the lines of looking amazing but it's hard to speak when you're jaw has dropped :p

She was getting things together to take round to her friend's place. Her friend's kids are slightly younger than our so we usually give our kids' stuff to her each season. This time around, my wife has cleaned out the wardrobe to give her friend clothes too. Unfortunately that means a shopping spree is coming up. My guess though is that my wife will shoulder the load herself or ask me for half the kids stuff. Either way, I'll roll with the punches and admire what she buys. She has great taste for herself and the kids.

So having gone to work today I sacrificed the first day of my weekend. I had planned to head out to the yard and mow more of the lawn but that has to wait until tomorrow now. My football team plays shortly so there goes my afternoon. I've worked 12 days straight now but I must admit, I've enjoyed it. I've got out of the house, I've done something productive, I've helped my boss out in a time of need and I'm making money. I worked both days of my scheduled weekend off last weekend. It's been a good distraction from life as I've found myself thinking about my wife more the past couple of days. I have to refresh myself with the Rules.

The WAS is a funny creature though. I know I've said that a fair bit recently but I can't shake the thought. Three days ago she tells me she hates me, today she speaks to me in a civil manner and didn't get angry with me when I hung out a load of washing she did. I can't help but shake my head.

[melissag]

Barry, they are very strange. All you can do is shake your head.

Two days ago, my H sent me an email in which he called me stupid, despicable, childish and insane. Yep, all in one email. Maybe an hour later I get a text from him asking ever so cordially if I'd mind switching one of his upcoming nights with the kids. (I felt like the AFLAC duck trying to understand Yogi Berra.)

I think the vets above are right, though . . . you don't seem to be living your life for YOU yet. It took a few times of others telling me point blank, this is your reality right now. Your H does not want to be married to you" to really get it. You have to live the life that you actually have. Drop the expectations, and you will be disappointed/perplexed a lot less often.

[Barrybran]

I was doing really well for a long time doing my own thing. It's only recently that I've let her affect me again. I had another down moment today when she gave me her plan for dividing bills which involved us both transferring sums of money weekly to one of her accounts and all the bills coming out of it. It cut me that she was going through with dividing things and she could see it. I went for a drive and sat by myself for 45 minutes and tried to process everything. The entire situation hit me at once: what I'd done to her, understanding her decision to proceed as she is and reflecting on how it's not what I had planned when I got married.

When I got home, she approached me and asked what was on my mind. I told her exactly that, that I understand why she's made the decisions she has, that I've let her down in ways unimaginable and that it's not what I envisaged when we got together. She said she could never trust me again but wasn't making any plans to go anywhere, only to get her finances in order. My first thought was that if she can't trust me then she can't have a relationship with me and if we can't have a relationship, why stay living at home. I bit my tongue on this one. I did however tell her I disagreed with her theory on never being able to trust me again based on what I've learned here, what I've learned about infidelity and that we would both learn and grow from the experience. I tried my best to show her that I understand why she felt the way she did but that she was selling herself short if she limited herself in ways like this.

Long story short, she told me what she thought, listened to what I had to say and we agree to disagree. I don't have any expectations that we'll get back together but if she wants to know my feelings I have to be honest with her and limiting oneself is the opposite of what I've learned about life lately. It may put a dent in my progress, hell, I don't really have any progress at the minute, but I've listened to her by being open (although at her initiation) and validated her where I could. I'm happy with the conversation despite my bumbling.

I do really want to give her 5LL to read though. I'd like to know what people think about this. She asked what I thought and how I felt and 5LL opened my eyes to what really happened. Shes focused on the cheating and breach of trust but it goes deeper than that, to me misunderstanding my wife and her love and making poor choices along the way. It will probably be counterproductive but it may help us get on the same page, even if we disagree about the issues. I don't know really but I know it helped me understand the root of the problem and I'd like her to read it eventually.

So in a nutshell, I have a wife who will never trust me again but isn't planning on moving out. I'm calling spew but she's also incredibly stubborn so who knows. Either way, I'm in this for a lot longer than I ever thought. This ride is going to be fun *facepalm* :p

[Barrybran]

We had another mini chat via text and she says she will give it three months living here. She doesn't want to move out because of the kids and money but she needs her space and will move out if it becomes too painful. It's pretty close to what she said to me back in January prior to things becoming good again. Of course, I'm not expecting the good part this time. She's tried that and it didn't work so I don't expect her to try again. I asked her that we get along. I told her I felt I couldn't talk to her when she was hostile. I didn't receive a reply.

I'm about a third of the way through Way of the Superior Man. It hasn't resonated with me until the last few pages. The main thing I've picked up from it is that I should be considering other people's feelings and opinions and making my own decisions as well as having the confidence to tell my wife how I feel and not tolerating anytime she shows poor behaviour towards me. This will take some work on my part. See how we go.

[Lostforwords]

B,

Yes...screaming B and to the normal person, that is highly irrational. The WAS just lives in a world that is of a different rational than ours.

Do your thing....Life your life.....and give her space.

The way of the superior man....You will grab tidbits as the author wants you to find the answers. It is written very much in an essence to make you think.

I will give you my thought list from the book;

-Spend 1 hour a day doing what you enjoy
-Live with an open heart
-Live free of past male influences
-Live to your fears
-Be who you are
-Make decisions from the core...not to please others
-Live for your purpose, but be focused on all you do
-Go all in...In both love and life
-Accept and grow from criticism
-Be full from the inside....Not the outside
-Relationships and work are places to give oneself.....Not fill oneself
-Be open and ready to change
-Life purposes can and will change...Don't fight the change, but change with them
-Don't use family as an excuse to not live to your purpose
-It is not the amount of time, but the quality of the interaction
-Don't let "do-mode" control your being
-People will test you....That will end so stand true to your purpose
-Tolerating leads to resentment
-Women don't analyze problems away....So there is no fix-its
Give 100% of yourself in every situation
-It is OK to disagree,but it is how you disagree that is important

Break your reading down by chapter.....Not as a book, but more as one mental thought per each passage.

As for your hostile comment....You need to think about that one. As i don't know what or how things were said, it is hard to quantitative if she was being hostile. Hostile communication has demeaning statements, threats, etc....emotionally charged conversations can get get loud, but loud doesn't necessarily mean hostile, just poor emotional control.

[cat04]

Like I said in an earlier post, I could understand this stuff at the start of the year but it doesn't make any sense to me now because I've followed DB, I have made changes for myself and yet she's appears more alienated rather than less.

Barrybran,

Something you need to understand about DB is that it often seems counter intuitive.

While we think they should be responsive to our changes immediately, the reality is that those exact changes, that they say they want/need etc..., will make them angry for several reasons.

1. Because it has taken them leaving for the changes to happen.
2. Because they don't believe that the changes are real.
3. Because they have made up their minds that we or the situation can't change and have decided to leave and now they have to look at the fact that that belief may not be true.

You have mentioned not getting help from multiple people. Lost is a wonderful guy and I wouldn't discount ANYTHING he says to you. And after skimming your threads I see that he has stuck with you, which is a wonderful thing.

Others will come along when they think they can help or that you will listen.

I honestly think you don't listen very well. I see you argue and try to explain why your way is the right way, and maybe it is.

DB is a guide. To utilize and modify as necessary.

The people who have been here a long time, understand that. They have also seen much more than you have which is why they will give advice to get lawyers involved or other things that may seem
unnecessary to you or others at the time.

That is something you do need to keep in mind.

Your marriage took a long time to get to the point that it is at now and it isn't going to get fixed quickly. If it does, the odds are that you will be back here in a year or two.

Take the time. Listen to the people who are giving you and others advice.

No one here advocates divorce or they wouldn't be here. However we also know that this is a marathon, not a sprint and we have seen what works and what doesn't.

Just my opinion.