Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Bunches]

Hey Barry, sorry for the tough day. Your W is going to say things like she hates you because she wants to dislike / hate you. She is working hard to go that direction. I know its hard to let things like that roll off your back and through it all be the best Barry you can be but that is your goal. If you want to be a great parent and do all of those things for your kids, then do it...and be proud of it regardless of what she thinks of it. Keep smiling buddy and enjoy your day.

[Mach1]

Just from an outside glance, and only refreshing from the posts here the past couple days...

I would say that Lost is talking about you still looking toward your spouse, for your answers....

You are still very dependent on who, what,when ,where , and how she does something, before you can make your choices.

Her mood affects your mood, rinse, lather, repeat...

It really affects the person that YOU want to be, when that happens...

Think about that, and re-read your past couple days of posts....

You can't lead from behind Barry....

Start blazing your own path....

[Barrybran]

Thanks Bunches and Mach. I didn't realise I was coming across here like that. I don't feel that but I'll pay more attention to it.

[Barrybran]

This morning my wife asked how much space was in the wardrobe of the spare bedroom ("your room" to her). She wanted my stuff out of our bedroom ("her room" to her) so I moved it straight away. I REALLY want to ask her where she's at, if she wants to be here in the same house, but I know it's not a good idea. I don't like that she's actively distancing herself more. It just doesn't make sense now. I'm seriously missing something, I know it, but I just don't know what it is. I've worked hard to achieve happiness for myself and it's almost as if I have a MLCer on my hands rather than a WAS. Of course, that's not the case but I have to remain patient and stay on the path because I know I've done well. I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to be anymore but I am trying to be more considerate of my wife's feelings, not that she cares, while going about my own life and taking care of the family while it's still a family.

[Mach1]

So she told you that she didn't love you, and blah, blah, blah...

Yes ??

Did she say anything...that was new information that you didn't have already ???

Same old lines ???


Why is YOUR reaction different this time ???



Yea...Those ^^^ changes

[Barrybran]

I did nothing. I've done nothing when she says/does negative things for a while now. Could it be that she's just pissed that I am a more pleasant person? It's the only explanation I can come up with right now. I'm not doing anything majorly wrong (I'll still make mistakes but it's not end-of-world stuff) and I'm supporting my family more than I ever have while doing my own thing. Like I said in an earlier post, I could understand this stuff at the start of the year but it doesn't make any sense to me now because I've followed DB, I have made changes for myself and yet she's appears more alienated rather than less. The listening argument occurred a month ago and she's not wavered in her attitude towards me since even though she'll ask my opinion on things from time to time. I just don't get it. It's irrational.

[unbidden]

Why are you still worrying about what she is thinking? You've not made changes for yourself because you keep looking to her with expectations about your changes. She's batpoop crazy right now, you know that and we all know that. She's not thinking straight. Please. Stop trying to make sense of LBS crazy.

[Barrybran]

I understand why you would think that I'm looking to her to notice my changes. I just got what I was looking for without asking. My wife basically updated me on what she wants between us. I haven't felt comfortable talking to her lately because of her hostility and whilst I know I need to grow some balls and talk about what's important, even if she doesn't want to speak, I feel like I've been treading on egg shells around her.

She tells me she's setting boundaries, taking control of her own finances, that we'll split bills evenly, that she'll live her own life (I thought she was already doing that...), and that she's going to start staying in the house on weekends. She cited that she didn't feel comfortable doing so before. She said the boundaries are in place so we can cohabit effectively. She also said she had been to-ing and fro-ing about forgiving and forgetting.

This is going to sound strange but I feel relieved. I understand everyone's perception is that I want my wife back, and I do, but it's unrealistic at the moment and I don't expect that. What I do expect though is to know the rules of the game I'm playing by. If I'm doing too much housework, don't mope about it, tell me. If I'm not doing enough housework, don't complain about it, tell me. If you don't feel comfortable with me, let me know and I'll keep my distance. I feel better knowing where she stands. I can work with that.

Six months ago I would have pleaded and begged and alienated her further. I would have asked her to reconsider and suggested joint items. Now, I just want to know what rules I'm playing by so I can get on with my own life without pissing her off. What she thinks about what I do is her problem but if I know something annoys her, I can consider her feelings before I do it. If I do it anyway, it's because I want to do it. That's all I was looking for.

And yes, I'm guilty of trying to make sense of WAS, not LBS, crazy.

[Barrybran]

I just want to thank everyone who popped in this morning to say their piece. I understand that people will try to challenge me to better myself however I just needed some support this morning and I appreciate everyone's presence. It turns out my wife knows me better than I give her credit for and she knew I had questions rattling in my mind. We had an exchange this morning and I'm happy with what she said. Long-term, I'd like our situation to be vastly different but for now, I understand why she feels the way she does and I have no expectations for a relationship beyond co-parenting. It appears I have given a different impression to everyone here so I have some work to do on how I present myself.

LFW, I'd still like to know what you feel I haven't embraced. You've been a great help to me so far and I think I'm a little too close to my situation to understand what you are seeing.

[Lostforwords]

B,

For the most part Mach hit it right on the head.....My goals was for you to realize what he said yourself. You slide back and forth into a world where your wife's actions control your action....not only in action, but also emotionally and that is my bigger concern.

Your gal'ing activities have once again taken a back seat....Yes you are working again (which I like), but otherwise it seems like you do little beyond taking care of the house. The worse part is....and you will have your reasons about taking care of the house, is that you will say you are happy doing it. B...are you truly happy or are you just limiting your horizons?

You have done some great stuff B......but you have a ways to go my friend.

As for the responses to yesterday....I think you have a choice. My opinion is that you move your posting to midlife...Not because I think your wife is MLC, but because I feel you will run into more posters and vets who can help you with you there than you can find in newcomers. Right now you are on the DB fast train which is a good thing, but you have started to outgrow newcomers.....and it is time to move to the big leagues.