Well I wake up today immediately realizing its my 9th wedding anniversary ...
H happens to be awake watching tv so I felt uncomfortable and just got it Out and off my chest by telling him "happy anniversary ".
Don't know what I expected but he replied mmhaaaa all dripping with Boredom and eyeball rolling.
I have been trying to detach, biting my lip so as not to talk about r, Letting him initiate conv and thinking about gal activities.
I decided to go back in bedroom and stare at him hoping he would say something Else to me. I know I messed up but I told him " you could at least wish me a happy anniversary " So he does in a lukewarm snotty voice. I feel real bad today and have a burning urge to email him but decided to vent here instead. I get that he doesn't believe we can find lasting reconciliation and he pretty Much thinks everything I do/say is a manipulating move to get him to drop His guard.
I am just hurt because we still sleep together and live in the same house, but He just won't respond to wanting to repair his marriage .
I'm not even sure what he wants because he has said so many Contradicting things.
Why am I not worth anything to him ? Is he not afraid of the consequences? Is he one day gonna just wake up worried that he has gone to far? I know I haven't even began on detaching and gal. I am trying to just keep my mouth shut about r to him right now. Why is he grocery shopping which parts of his marriage he wants To keep alive? We can be intimate but he doesn't want to Invest his time in the relationship?
The truth is : i dont seem to want to gal , right at this moment I dont feel like doing much of anything. Sure I'll clean house, go to work, read my db books as if. But to be honest i feel my future hangs onto if my h will reconcile our marriage, and I cant see past my life with him. I feel we went years each doing our own thing, and I now want so badly to mend our r. Seems the minute I told him my feelings back in jan, he turned on me and is resentful and after 3 years of no fighting and no worrying about him loving me regardless of our sex starved marriage I am now dealing with this sabotage of all efforts that I make to hold on to him. Why now? Is he now showing his rejection from the past years he felt hurt, but I didn't know?
I know you are in a very difficult and painful place. We have all been there. This situation defies logic so don't waste your time trying to figure out the whys or why doesn't he questions. My told my daughter last spring that she never had to worry about her parents separating or divorcing. Obviously, he changed his thought process....
You need to focus on you. You cannot control or change your h. Only you. If you start focusing on you and detaching, the hurtful things he says will not be as noticeable. You will find yourself noticing those things less and less. And please be prepared that you will be blamed for everything!!!! The weather, traffic, a bad opening day in baseball.... It runs the gamut.
All WAS/MLCers have valid issues. Listen to those (you probably know what those are) and make changes that make you better with or without h. I know it is difficult to imagine your life without your h. Right now, your m is done. That's right. Your m as you know it is gone. There are no guarantees. However, you must save you and if you focus on that there is the chance to rebuild an R. This takes time and patience.
Stop talking. He will talk if he has something to say. This is a chance for you to become the best you possible.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Stresse, Fake it til you make it. check google for TED talks. Look at Shawn Anchor and Brene Brown and Amy Cuddy. Each of these talks is 10-15 minutes. I promise you won't be disappointed.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
With these you will see why GAL and other things we are saying make soooo much sense^^^^^
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
We all know how hard it is, and we have all felt the way you do right now. It is a terrible feeling, but you can't use it as an excuse to curl up and die. Your M will not be fixed for a very long time, if ever, so you need to pick yourself up and start living your life. I know you don't feel like GAL. Do it anyway. It's what saved all of us here, and it will save you, too.
I know what you are thinking. I can't possibly be happy if my M is not restored. You are wrong. You have much to be grateful for and much more to your life and your identity than just being M. (If you are like most of us, you probably lost yourself a bit in the M - now is the time to rectify that - so GAL!!)
Are you in IC? It can be incredibly helpful.
I know you feel terrible - probably the worst you ever have in your life. But trust the process. Do the best you can to eat, sleep and exercise. Keep up your 180s as long as they are genuine and sustainable, no matter what your H says. Drop all expectations of your H. I know that is hard, but you will find that even the smallest and most basic expectations will be disappointed. GAL, that can't be emphasized enough. And follow the 37 rules. Read them every day to remind yourself of them.
As for ML, you need to consider whether you feel ok with it given the circumstances. I am sorry to say, it sounds like your H is wanting out of the M, but is selfish enough to allow you to fulfill his sexual needs. It is possible that ML will help bond you two, I suppose - my DB coach seemed to think so. But you need to decide whether you are OK with it - if it is hurting you or causing you to have expectations, you might want to stop.
Hang in there, you will be OK. It's true what everyone here says - the only way through it is through it. Keep reading and posting.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
It gets easier, you are most likely experiencing depression. It takes time and it is hard, I was right where you are a month ago, it does get better. And trying to figure out the whats and whys is a waste of energy...I know because I still find myself doing that. Good advice above. Hang in there.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
The truth is : i dont seem to want to gal , right at this moment I dont feel like doing much of anything.
Every last one of us was there. You have to FORCE yourself to do things. I just wanted to roll up in a ball and rock in the corner. I had to drag myself kicking and screaming out of the house and make myself do fun things. At first they were no fun at all. But each day it got a little easier to go out. Before I knew it I was ENJOYING going out and doing stuff, and hardly thinking about my WAS.
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But to be honest i feel my future hangs onto if my h will reconcile our marriage, and I cant see past my life with him.
That too is a place we've all been. Keep working on yourself and GAL'ing, and eventually you will see two paths stretched out before you- one with your H, one without. But both equally promising. When you finally get to the point that most of us have where you realize you will not just survive, but thrive whether your H is in your life or not, well then you're a successful DB'ing story no matter what happens to your M.
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I feel we went years each doing our own thing, and I now want so badly to mend our r.
That's not what he wants though, and you must respect his wishes.
