Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Barrybran]

I probably did something silly just now but I don't really care. I went to my wife's work to exchange car keys so I could pick the kids up from school. While there I asked if she had a preference for dinner and she reminded me she wouldn't be home due to a meeting. I asked what time she would be home. She didn't like that. The kids always ask me when my wife will be home. I started getting on the front foot and along my wife before my kids asked me so I was prepared when they asked. Apparently my kids don't ask when I'm coming home and my wife told me in a tone that said "I don't believe you".

It upsets me when the kids ask about their mum. I understand my wife has her own life but the kids don't understand the concept of time yet and they all want to see her. On weekends, when the kids aren't around, I don't ask when my wife will be home as it's not my business. When the kids ask though I can't just tell them I don't know and have them upset because she's not home yet. I'd rather comfort them even if I wind up as the bad guy.

I sent my wife the following message as such:

"I understand your skepticism about my asking when you're coming home. Your life is your life and you're entitled to live it whatever way you like. I understand this but the kids don't. They do ask, especially Keegan. It upsets me that they ask but it is what it is. What you do and where you go is up to you but the kids ask because they miss their mum."

As I said before, I don't care what she's thinks but I do care what my kids think.

[Lostforwords]

B,

That is a tough one....and there really is no simple way to go about it. I feel the best route to go is be honest with the kids. Tell them that mom is busy and you have no idea when she will be home.

I like that you expressed your feeling as your wife has requested of you.

I am going to ask something, but you need to bear in mind that is has no affect on what YOU are doing. Do you think she may be having an affair? Understand that doesn't change the DB things for you! Other than if it is a complete deal breaker, but of course in your situation that would be the pot calling the kettle black. That said, I am curious.

[Barrybran]

Honestly, no. Early on I suspected something, called her on it and she called my bluff. I never pursued it as I understood it would cause further damage to an already dire situation. My wife opened up in January, just before things were good again briefly, and mentioned she'd considered sleeping with and/or dating someone else, and whilst she never told me with whom, I believe I know who though I've never met the guy.

One of the things that came out of the conversations we had was that she was very confused and didn't know what she wanted and that adding an extra person wouldn't be fair to her, me, the kids or a potential OM and so she didn't go ahead with it. I believed her then and still do now. Every time she's shared her feelings with me she's spoken with such a clarity that tells me she's put in deep thought to what she feels and says. The listening argument was a case in point as there was no "ummm, ahhh" but straight to the point "you don't listen" and backed it up with examples. She also values her integrity highly.

She has shown the hallmarks of having an affair though. She's been on her phone heaps, been secretive with phone use and general plans, etc but the timings of her comings and goings don't add up to having an affair. She'd have to have not been into it that much or be very brief with her encounters or be very discreet. In a nutshell, it's just not probable. When I did suspect something, I discovered she'd been putting in a LOT of time at work (I do know this) and was speaking with/visiting friends who were either in a similar situation or needed help of their own. My wife has played a sort of big sister role with a friend of hers at work who has had some major issues recently.

There was an event last year she went to, the local horse races, where she dressed up and sent me a text prior to going. She asked my thoughts and I said she looked nice. The response I got was "not hot or stunning or amazing?" My parents used to joke that when I casually said something was "cool" it meant I REALLY liked it. Of course my wife looked amazing but I didn't express it in the way she'd understand. I believe it was this day she met the potential OM (just a guess), received some compliments (also a guess) and she started to see greener grass. Our relationship started to deteriorate at this point and BD occurred one month later.

To me it all adds up to an IA. I feel that she wasn't happy with who I was, and probably still isn't, but doesn't have a reasonable option to go to. She still hasn't mentioned divorce and she hasn't brought up separation again despite the fact her actions indicate she's seeking greater independence. Even tonight, she's asking my opinion on a family car that I currently believe she's going to try and buy and pay for herself. I just feel there's a bunch of soul searching going on rather than turning to another man.

Lastly, my wife spent last weekend at home with me without the kids. We didn't do anything together, she was hostile towards me and she even said to me "I was enjoying my movie alone" when I sat down in the living room after work. After spending the previous two weekends away from home,she could have easily done it again and didn't.

[Barrybran]

My wife told me this morning her Mum is coming for a visit in May, shortly after her brother and his fiance come to visit. My wife told me that she is going to tell her Mum and brother what is going on between us so "they don't expect any lovey dovey between us". My MIL is incredibly nosey and will no doubt ask questions but I won't be discussing it. My BIL and his fiance won't ask anything of me but may ask my wife. I hope my wife perks up when her brother is around. She loves her brother and his fiance so she should enjoy the week they're here. I'm not sure she'll enjoy the time her Mum is around though.

[Barrybran]

My wife called me earlier about a mediation we are trying to set up with D4's biological father. She gave me the ins and outs and it was nice to hear some positivity in her voice. She also spoke to me calmly and listened when I spoke which hasn't happened in a while. Given our situation I asked my wife whether we were going into this as a team or as individual parents. I hated asking the question but I'd rather ask it and be on the same page as her than not ask it and fly blind as far as my wife's feelings about D4's situation. My wife said sge wasn't bringing our situation into the mediation and that I would be D4's dad regardless what happens with us or mediation. She's been great through this situation as far as my kids are concerned. She's reassured me that I will be their father no matter what.

So I've had a positive interaction in that we discussed something rather than having her get snarky and sarcastic and yet awkward because our situation affects D4's situation. One thing I do know is that I feel uncomfortable talking to my wife lately. I don't feel she takes me seriously and I know I'm supposed to let her come to me but I also should feel comfortable discussing things about the kids or her behaviour towards me without feeling as though I'll get my head bitten off. I need to get to the point where I'm comfortable saying things to my wife and her response (or lack of) doesn't affect me but be available to listen when she speaks or responds.

[Barrybran]

Well my situation got a bit more confusing. My wife says she hasn't told her Mum but told her brother and sister about our separation. I said to her I'm comfortable with her telling whoever she needs to tell when she needs to tell them as it is what it is. I asked how she's doing with everything at the moment and she replied that she's doing OK given the situation. I asked if she had any major problems with me right now aside from the listening and housework and she just said she hates me because of the "root of the problem" being that I cheated on her and she doesn't trust me.

I don't really know what to think of it all at the moment. I'm hurt because I wasn't expecting it but at the same time I feel it's probably spew and I'm OK with it. It's a weird feeling. I believe she isn't happy at the moment and I know from my own experience these past few months that I saw life differently a few months ago than I do now. Whether that's where my wife is or not, I don't know, but I hope she can be happy soon. I hope it's with me but ultimately, I'd just like to see her smile again. I know I'll be fine without her now but I'd like her to stay. This stuff is for me and it's working but I would like to share it with my wife as she's taught me so much already and I feel that we can make it work with proper effort from the both of us. In saying that, I understand that it may never happen.

I still look at the positives though. Last night she asked me my thoughts on a car I feel she will try to buy for herself without my help and today we had a civil discussion about mediation with D4's bio father. I'm shaking my head right now because I just don't know what to think. It probably doesn't help that my kids have done my head in tonight too. I feel like the only sane person here at the moment :p

I don't know if it's naive but I feel that time will heal some things. For all I know, she could be planning her exit too. Who knows.

[Lostforwords]

B,

You are getting down the grit my friend....it takes time to let things simmer and cool. We are all guilty of hearing something and changing for a week or two...then reverting right back to the old. Why time here is such a friend is that you can work to make those changes permanent. Think about your backslides...it isn't really what you did at the moment....it is perceived as he is the same old B going back to his old behaviors.

The most difficult time I have had with you B...is that you don't embrace the changes. You come up with reasons to not change your ways. Some you do work on, but not all.

Embrace the change my friend....Your life and world will change.

[Barrybran]

LFW, I'm a little stumped by that. What changes do you feel I haven't embraced?

[Lostforwords]

B,

No more easy train for you....You have come to far for that.

That said.....You answer the question you have posed.

[Barrybran]

I appreciate the help you've given me so far. Yesterday I organised my kids for school went to work to put food on the table, came home to cook and clean and my reward was a son who didn't want to tell me about his daughter at school and two girls who wouldn't listen and continually got into things that they were not supposed to. To top that off my wife says she hates me.

I feel frustrated that the bulk of my help comes from one person. I feel somewhat left out at times. Yet I've been able to turn myself around and make myself happy despite my situation. I don't know what changes you feel I haven't embraced. I came here for support and as well as I've done, some days I'm going to need it more than others and yesterday was one of those days. I didn't feel supported yesterday.

I'll soldier on today and I hope I enjoy it. If anyone sees anything about my situation that I don't please chime in. I don't have all the answers which is why I'm here. Often other people see what you are too close to see.