Stuff From My World

[tadpole1025]

Hello there. Thought it was time to start yet another thread. My previous one is here:

Something Is Wrong With Me

Just thought I would give some updates.

* I did not go to my Divorce Care group tonight. I simply forgot about it. I actually feel bad for not going.

* My mom left me some money and I will be getting it this week. It's not a very large amount, but it will be nice to have. I'm going to buy some new clothes, get my bills current, take the boys on a camping trip this summer and maybe....just maybe take a trip out of town "just me." I really do need to get away for a few days. I might take off to Vegas or something. I just need some fun and this is my chance.

* XW apparently talked to S21 for over an hour the other day and kept going on and on about us being friends. She just "doesn't understand" why we can't be civil/be friends and talk. I have no problem being civil but ONLY if she contacts me first. I'm not going to contact her..,..I just don't need the garbage. Besides, WTF would we even "talk" about? This is the same woman that did what she did, deleted me from FB and still has me listed as "a$$hole" in her phone. Not very friendly or civil if you ask me. No thanks. He says she acts "bugged" by it. Whatever. Am I wrong for feeling this way and not wanting to be her "friend?"

* S19 has dropped out of college. I now need to stay on him about getting a job. He needs to do something. He seems to have no motivation to do anything.

* My dad and stepmom will be in town for a short visit tomorrow. I'm excited to see them. We only get one or two visits a year. With the exception of my boys, they are pretty much all of the family I have left.

* I'm convinced that history really does repeat itself. My mom left my dad for another man. (Too young to remember.) My XW left me for another man. Now, S21's GF has now left him for someone else. They've only dated for about 4 years, but have known each other for nearly 12. It's really weird. He will tell me things that she has done or said and it is like watching XW all over again. The only thing is: this girl is only 21.

* I am slowly getting better and realized something the other day. When this all started, I went through the grief, sadness, anger and all of the other emotions that come with a wonderful MLC spouse but......lately, when I think about XW, I've been feeling something else. The best word to describe it I think is: disgust. Yes, I think I'm starting to feel disgust when thinking about her.

* My rats continue to make me smile. They greet me when I walk into the room. It's pretty comical. It's almost like they are just miniature well-trained dogs. Funny stuff.

* The boys keep pushing me to get out and have some fun and date. While it may be nice to have a relationship at some point and I do miss the companionship, I really have no interest in women at the moment.

* The power steering in S21's car went out and he doesn't have the money to get it fixed. He has been driving it without the power steering. XW said that if he would come to her house and meet her new husband, he could fix it for free. Sounds like bribery. Just my opinion. S21 declined.

* I've seriously been thinking of moving to another country, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want or if it is depression talking.

Anyways, that is the latest from my world.

Take care.

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

Good to see that you're continuing to post here.

This caught my eye:

* I've seriously been thinking of moving to another country, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want or if it is depression talking.

Changing the external WON'T change what's happening on the inside, Tad. I don't think you're in a position to to this without your support system around you. If you do move to another country, your inner issues will STILL be there regardless. Continue working on YOU first before you make any important, large changes.

Make sense?

I think continuing to attend the Divorce Care group is doing you really good in that it is getting you out of the house and forcing you to interact with other people.

[AJM]

I agree with Wonka on that.

* XW apparently talked to S21 for over an hour the other day and kept going on and on about us being friends. She just "doesn't understand" why we can't be civil/be friends and talk. I have no problem being civil but ONLY if she contacts me first. I'm not going to contact her..,..I just don't need the garbage. Besides, WTF would we even "talk" about? This is the same woman that did what she did, deleted me from FB and still has me listed as "a$$hole" in her phone. Not very friendly or civil if you ask me. No thanks. He says she acts "bugged" by it. Whatever. Am I wrong for feeling this way and not wanting to be her "friend?"

No, Tad. Those are your feelings. And honestly, as somebody in a similar boat I think it's very appropriate to not want to talk to somebody like that. Seems normal to me that you do not want to talk to somebody who regards you as an a-hole and treats you poorly. Just as her feelings are her feelings, so yours are your feelings. I doubt that having any kind of relationship with her is in your best interest right now. Later? Who knows? But for now, I see no reason to add to the life that's Tad's with somebody who brings hate and discontent.

Own your feelings. If you choose to not talk to her, do so because that's what works for you.

And try to remember to go to the support group. It's good to get out, no?

Glad you are posting and that things are progressing. I know it's slower than you'd like, but it's good to see it.

Question for you regarding your parents - did it anger you that your mom left your dad? What was your relationship like with your parents growing up?

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for the responses.

Changing the external WON'T change what's happening on the inside, Tad. I don't think you're in a position to to this without your support system around you. If you do move to another country, your inner issues will STILL be there regardless. Continue working on YOU first before you make any important, large changes.

Yeah I know. I've never really ever wanted to move away just because I had so much family here and XW had some family here as well. Now, with the exception of my boys, I really have no reason to stay. I'm not doing this anytime soon and may NEVER do it. It's just something that I've kicked around lately.

And try to remember to go to the support group. It's good to get out, no?

Yes it is. I really had planned to go and by the time I looked at my watch, it was too late.

Question for you regarding your parents - did it anger you that your mom left your dad? What was your relationship like with your parents growing up?

Whew. Good one. I'll take a stab:

I was only about 4 when it happened and do not remember. But, I can remember missing my dad a lot. I had a good stepdad, but he wasn't MY dad. I was actually upset when my stepdad left my mom. Back to the question though.....I wasn't upset with her for doing it, but as I grew up, I began to wonder why and always kind of wondered "what might have been" if they had stayed together. I do remember my dad being sad. When this all happened, I went to live with my grandparents and actually bonded with them more than my parents especially my grandmother. (A Saint) I lived with them off and on. The funny thing is: even though I don't remember the actual event, I can still remember the taste of my mom's lipstick from that time period. I can actually remember her kissing me goodbye one day and remember the taste of it. I don't like it.

As for my relationship with my parents, I wasn't really "close" to either one of them. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I bonded with my grandparents. I have more like just a "friend" relationship than a "father/son" one with my dad. As for my mom, I wasn't really close with her either, but we did get closer once my little brother died and XW pulled the big MLC trick. Hope that answered your question AJ.

Take care.

Tad

[AJM]

Tad, what was your relationship like with your mom after ex and before she died? And is it safe to assume you didn't have much interaction with her in the intervening years - i.e. after you left to live with Grandparents and until MLC events? Just friendly interactions, but not really very often? Or... ?

During all of this time you didn't see your dad very often either, right? You knew he was sad.. just from when he left or ?

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Hey AJ.

Tad, what was your relationship like with your mom after ex and before she died?

It was much better. She was there for me for whatever I needed and we saw each other probably about once a week and sometimes more. We talked on the phone nearly every day or every other day. Sometimes I would call because I needed something or just wanted to talk to her and sometimes she would call me to see how things were going.

And is it safe to assume you didn't have much interaction with her in the intervening years - i.e. after you left to live with Grandparents and until MLC events?

Yes, that is a safe assumption. A lot of times, we knew how each other were doing though because mom and XW talked on the phone every single day. They were very, very close. XW loved my mom dearly and mom loved her dearly as well. They were more like best friends than in laws. I got lucky in that department. I was always quite amazed at the relationship that they had.

Just friendly interactions, but not really very often? Or... ?

That's right. We hardly EVER talked on the phone and were nice and cordial to each other at family events. We would see each other usually on holidays or if she was over for dinner. When she WAS over for dinner, it was either because it was one of our birthdays or because XW invited her.

During all of this time you didn't see your dad very often either, right? You knew he was sad.. just from when he left or ?

That's true too. Didn't see him much at all either. I would say that the relationship that I had with my dad is almost exactly the same as the relationship that I had with my mom. Nice and cordial.

I knew about his sadness from the time I was little. I can remember him coming to pick my brother and me up every once in a while on a Saturday to spend a few hours with us. I can remember him crying sometimes when he would drop us off. There were other times when I could just see it in his eyes. I just knew. I don't think he ever really got over her. I can sometimes see it in his eyes even today.

Very good questions buddy.

Tad

[AntoniaB]

Tad, I've read some of your posts here and there lately but haven't had a chance to respond. Couple of things I did want to respond to--

1. You mentioned in an earlier post about your rats and the connection you felt to them, the fear that they will get sick, etc., they don't live that long apparently, and your general anxiety about them. Ok I don't think this is crazy at all. I have cats. I don't like to call them pets. They are my children. I don't care that I didn't give birth to them--they are my babies. I am VERY emotionally tied to them. You will see my other post about my upcoming surgery. Ok well my FIRST THOUGHT when I was looking to get surgery was that I could not get it at a hospital over an hour away because I would be too far from them. Now I will have a family member here who will take care of them, but the mere thought of being separated by too many miles even though I'd be stuck in a hospital bed made me terribly anxious. They are very self-sufficient but my tie to them is inextricable. I think that when we lose the loves of our lives that it is perfectly ordinary to form close bonds with animals who depend on us for love and affection (and who give that in return).

2. Dating--you mention dating a lot--others wanting you to date, feeling some internal pressure to date--but you also say quite often you just aren't interested. So...that's totally fine! I really tried to force myself to date for a long time and in the end I was just not comfortable at all. I know what I want in a partner and I haven't met him. Or rather I have, but he has a girlfriend and he has a wife ;-) What I mean is that I am very close friends with two guys, one married, one with a girlfriend, and the two of them are exactly what I would want in a partner. In fact both have said to me if timing were different we'd have been together. Believe me this is disappointing! But on the other hand their being "taken" has allowed me to form really close friendships with men that are not romantic/clouded by sex. They've taught me how to trust again.

I've felt so much better forging this type of relationship than dating, and I know that for me, unless I can have a friendship like the one I have with either of these guys FIRST, I don't see me in a romantic relationship with someone.

Tad your trust in the opposite sex was entirely broken. I don't think we consciously call all of the opposite sex liars and deceivers when we try to date, but I think subconsciously when we date we are opening up and being vulnerable again to the possibility that someone might hurt us. Maybe this is just too much for you now--and that's ok. Why don't you try becoming very good friends with a woman or two and deliberately not taking it any further just to see if you can learn to open up in a friendship?

It's so much less pressure.

Honestly I think that the people here who are in relationships again post-divorce would probably tell you that they didn't have to FORCE themselves to be in them--it just flowed naturally. If you feel you are trying to force yourself to get back in the game, change the rules of the game to suit your needs, and if that means platonic relationships, go with them.

Hope this helps :-)

[tadpole1025]

Hi Antonia. It is nice to hear from you. I read your new thread and am sending thoughts and hugs your way.

You mentioned in an earlier post about your rats and the connection you felt to them, the fear that they will get sick, etc., they don't live that long apparently, and your general anxiety about them. Ok I don't think this is crazy at all. I have cats. I don't like to call them pets. They are my children. I don't care that I didn't give birth to them--they are my babies. I am VERY emotionally tied to them. You will see my other post about my upcoming surgery. Ok well my FIRST THOUGHT when I was looking to get surgery was that I could not get it at a hospital over an hour away because I would be too far from them. Now I will have a family member here who will take care of them, but the mere thought of being separated by too many miles even though I'd be stuck in a hospital bed made me terribly anxious. They are very self-sufficient but my tie to them is inextricable. I think that when we lose the loves of our lives that it is perfectly ordinary to form close bonds with animals who depend on us for love and affection (and who give that in return).

Wow. I totally get this. That is exactly how I am with my rats. I don't call them pets either. They are my girls....the daughters that I never had I guess. I was actually thinking about getting out of town for a day or two and decided against it because of......the girls. I'm very attached to them and as I said in my previous thread, it scares me a little bit. I've never been like this. Never really been an animal guy but, fell in love with my babies right away. They were born in my apartment and I picked them out of the litter when they were about 1 week old. Funny thing is, I've never liked rats and found them disgusting like most people do. I've even changed towards all animals in general. I have more compassion for them I guess and can't even watch the abused animals commercials on tv anymore. Weird stuff huh? I guess my MLCer isn't the only one that has changed. I just find it all a little strange. Is it me just changing because of my age or because of the experience that I had with XW?

Dating--you mention dating a lot--others wanting you to date, feeling some internal pressure to date--but you also say quite often you just aren't interested. So...that's totally fine! I really tried to force myself to date for a long time and in the end I was just not comfortable at all. I know what I want in a partner and I haven't met him.

Ditto. Everytime I think I might be ready to date, I realize that I'm not. Not interested at all really. I'm not going to force the issue anymore. If I find the right one, great, but if it happens, it happens.....if not, oh well.

Tad your trust in the opposite sex was entirely broken. I don't think we consciously call all of the opposite sex liars and deceivers when we try to date, but I think subconsciously when we date we are opening up and being vulnerable again to the possibility that someone might hurt us.

Yeah. When the person who you trusted the most hurts you, who do you trust? Finding it very hard to trust anyone right now and if I can't trust, I shouldn't be in a relationship. Very jaded....

Thanks again for the response Antonia.

I received my money that mom left. It wasn't much, but it was enough to get my bills current and pay my rent on time. I moved into this apartment in January of 2012. This was the first time that I paid my rent on time. Sad huh?

I've been messaging some old radio buddies of mine on FB. I might be having lunch with one of them next week.

I'm continuing my Divorce Care group. I'm thinking about taking the entire 13 week course all over again once it is finished because I missed last week and was 3 weeks late joining the class. We'll see.

My anxiety had been at bay for a few weeks, but I've had it again the last few days. I've been feeling pretty hopeless lately too. I don't know.....just have never felt so alone in all my life.

I need a better job....can't be driving a cab with no benefits until I'm too old to work....

Tad

[ericmsant2]

Tad,

You continue to get some kick arse advice from AJ and Antonia...

I just dropped by to say .... 'Sup.

IMO, you sound a lot better than you did a few weeks ago. FWIW, I am proud of you!

Keep going to the recovery group.

Peace,
Eric

[LoisB]

Tad,

I think it's really inspiring how you are picking yourself up and dusting yourself off. :-)

Much Love,

Heather