Ok, so I'm trying my hardest to DB-- detach, be strong, etc. etc. And yet I keep running into situations where I'm totally not sure of how to respond. A running thread in our marriage was my feeling like there was some double standard-- he held me to expectations to which he did not hold himself, but always somehow rationalized that the situations were totally different.
So, tonight, here is the example: He is taking D to see his family for a holiday this evening. On the way out, he asks, "If she is asleep in car when we get back, should i just call you to come out and get her?" (Context: We live in a city, so we have to find parking on the street which can be tricky sometimes.)
Tomorrow, I will be in the same situation (driving D back home by myself at night; she may be asleep in car.) However, I'll have to find parking on my own, and get us and our stuff back into the apartment alone. He doesn't live here. Why is it ok for him to expect me to help him?!?! I won't have that luxury.
So, what do I do? Do I give him a reality check by saying, "Tomorrow I won't have any help when I get home, so you should figure it out by yourself tonight."? (He won't care. It won't make me seem attractive). Do I just smile and say, "Of course I'll help you. No problem." and quietly think under my breath that I am strong and he is weak, instead of resenting him for not having to deal with the same reality of the situation as me? Be the person only a fool would leave, and think "Good riddance" if he turns out to be a fool?
I think I know the answer to this one, but I hate hate hate that he doesn't seem to feel all the consequences of his decision to leave the M. So in his mind, D seems pretty good and co-parenting seems pretty easy. If I do refuse to help him, how do I say so in a DBing way without sounding like a petty B*%#h?
He may not be feeling the same consequences that you are but he WILL feel the consequences, if not right now then later on.
This particular situation I'd personally let go, your emotion is what's driving you (anger, frustration, resentment) and not your head - you need to choose your battles carefully, have you read the DR book I can't remember if you have?
I know it's sooo hard but try to keep the focus on YOU and not him, every time you think of him try to bring the focus back to yourself & your D.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
He may not be feeling the same consequences that you are but he WILL feel the consequences, if not right now then later on.
Thanks. I think about this a lot. He believes that a D will have no negative impact on our daughter because he believes that his own parents' D (WA father) had no negative impact on him. Yet, he is much, much closer with his M than his F. And has no relationship with his SM or her 4 kids, even though his dad left his mom for SM when he was very young and has been married to her for over 30 years. He truly believes that the situations are not similar. I'm sure he believes that he won't be like his F. And that is enough to make him feel like D is the right choice.
I don't get how you say it's a double standard. I mean he doesn't live with you so it's not like he can go out to the car in the first place. It would be a double standard if you dropped her off at his place and he refused to help.
It just sounds like you are finding things to be angry at him for.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ok, so I'm trying my hardest to DB-- detach, be strong, etc. etc. And yet I keep running into situations where I'm totally not sure of how to respond. A running thread in our marriage was my feeling like there was some double standard-- he held me to expectations to which he did not hold himself, but always somehow rationalized that the situations were totally different.
So, tonight, here is the example: He is taking D to see his family for a holiday this evening. On the way out, he asks, "If she is asleep in car when we get back, should i just call you to come out and get her?" (Context: We live in a city, so we have to find parking on the street which can be tricky sometimes.)
Tomorrow, I will be in the same situation (driving D back home by myself at night; she may be asleep in car.) However, I'll have to find parking on my own, and get us and our stuff back into the apartment alone. He doesn't live here. Why is it ok for him to expect me to help him?!?! I won't have that luxury.
So, what do I do? Do I give him a reality check by saying, "Tomorrow I won't have any help when I get home, so you should figure it out by yourself tonight."? (He won't care. It won't make me seem attractive). Do I just smile and say, "Of course I'll help you. No problem." and quietly think under my breath that I am strong and he is weak, instead of resenting him for not having to deal with the same reality of the situation as me? Be the person only a fool would leave, and think "Good riddance" if he turns out to be a fool?
I think I know the answer to this one, but I hate hate hate that he doesn't seem to feel all the consequences of his decision to leave the M. So in his mind, D seems pretty good and co-parenting seems pretty easy. If I do refuse to help him, how do I say so in a DBing way without sounding like a petty B*%#h?
Thanks.
claire...my W did the same things for years. I was expexted to show up in the driveway to help her unhitch the horse trailer or unpack groceries. She did not return the favor. Sometimes she would even sit and watch me carry the food in while she talked on the phone and asked me to be more quiet so as not to interupt her. Part of the drill when you spouse is self centered. IMO do not help him. Tell him to bring D in.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
"If she is asleep in car when we get back, should i just call you to come out and get her?" (Context: We live in a city, so we have to find parking on the street which can be tricky sometimes.)"
Hi, just read this and I see this as more about your D than your H. What's best for her?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I don't get how you say it's a double standard. I mean he doesn't live with you so it's not like he can go out to the car in the first place. It would be a double standard if you dropped her off at his place and he refused to help.
It just sounds like you are finding things to be angry at him for.
Could be. I have been guilty of that. However, he definitely lacks empathy (that was an issue in our M), so part of what makes me angry is that he doesn't seem to understand exactly what you said-- he doesn't live with his D anymore... therefore when I bring her home tomorrow night, I will have to find a place to park and carry her and whatever stuff we have in all by myself. Whereas he can just call me to run out and get her, and he'll be on his merry way.
Maybe it's just harder to not be driven by emotions on a holiday. I basically have ceased to exist to his extended family. Hard to not be sad about that-- thinking about what I am missing out on tonight, including time with my daughter, watching her play with her cousins, etc.
"Whereas he can just call me to run out and get her, and he'll be on his merry way."
That's not really what you posted. You posted a QUESTION that he asked you. You just chose to see it as him being unsympathetic on purpose. You just said it's hard to find parking. You are the one who chooses to be angry and have built up alot of resentment.
" I have been guilty of that. However, he definitely lacks empathy (that was an issue in our M), so part of what makes me angry is that he doesn't seem to understand exactly what you said"
Could this just be because the two of you didn't know how to CORRECTLY communicate with each other? It happens alot in marriages and let's face it, there was probably alot of mindreading on both your parts. You EXPECTED him to act a certain way or do certain things and then when he didn't, you would get upset and then he would get upset back, etc.
Learning how to communicate correctly is one of the keys to successful relationships.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
That's not really what you posted. You posted a QUESTION that he asked you. You just chose to see it as him being unsympathetic on purpose. You just said it's hard to find parking. You are the one who chooses to be angry and have built up alot of resentment.
Could this just be because the two of you didn't know how to CORRECTLY communicate with each other? It happens alot in marriages and let's face it, there was probably alot of mindreading on both your parts. You EXPECTED him to act a certain way or do certain things and then when he didn't, you would get upset and then he would get upset back, etc.
Learning how to communicate correctly is one of the keys to successful relationships.
Thanks, Mr Bond. Yes, this is definitely true. We definitely had communication problems. I was sensitive and insecure, he would get defensive, it was a mess. I have taken responsibility for my role in our problems. I did that immediately upon BD, and have specifically articulated and apologized for my role. I even think we needed to separate for a bit to "reset" ourselves if there was to be any hope for our marriage. I know that I wouldn't have made the progress I've made if we hadn't separated. The difference is that I believe with all my heart that our relationship is very, very fixable. He just doesn't see it that way.
I have been working really hard on taking things he says at face value and not reading it through a lens that would make me angry or upset.
I post here to get perspective. I don't want to get defensive. So, I appreciate the reality check. And in response to labug above, what is best for my D is if I come out and get her. I suppose, too, that if I end up having trouble tomorrow I could call him to ask for help and see what his response would be. He doesn't live too far away, though he may not be home. But who knows, maybe he would be happy to help me in return. Or, I will just park in an illegal spot and if we get a ticket, so be it. Or maybe the neighbors can help. This was a good reminder that it's only stressful if I *choose* to feel stressed about it. (Working on the anxiety issues...)
