new here. is DB even worth it?

[slow_it_down]

Hi Claire,
First, I know it's tough, but you have to accept that even if your Mil loves you like a daughter, her allegiance is always going to be with her son. Try not to take any of what she's doing personally as she's just trying to navigate how to love her son even while he's making bad choices. Let your H have her on his team and concentrate on getting support from elsewhere right now.

Second, about the babysitter thing. If he was willing to change his work arrangements to work from your house, there is no reason you can't also be flexible on the schedule and offer to come home earlier in the future. The babysitter messed up his plans (to go in to work) so it's not a weakness or flaw to also pitch in and change your plans if you are able to help out.

[claire7]

That is a helpful perspective, thanks.

The thing that is killing me these days is his "no hard feelings" attitude. In emails, he does not show anger to me, but also no real interest or any affection. He is being generous and nice, but totally emotionally detached. So my DB changes are having no positive impact on our R-- it's just for me and he is done. That makes me sad. I DO have hard feelings! How can I not?

[AnotherStander]

But two things: for the most part he still acts quite grumpy around me, even when my attitude is upbeat, as if just the thought of being around me--even if I am happy-- makes him miserable.

You do it for you, not for him. Are you addressing the depression you mentioned in your OP? DB'ing is all about fixing ourselves, making ourselves into "the spouse only a fool would leave". Acting "as if" has its purpose, but if you're still depressed underneath then your H will see "as if" as a trick to get him back. What detaching means is that YOU are responsible for your own feelings and you can be happy (and not just acting like it) regardless of his mood.

He didn't ask me to come home early. But it seemed like that is what he wanted. (He can't come out and ask me but I thought he was being passive aggressive). Am I supposed to offer??

Absolutely not. In fact, you don't know what he was thinking or why. The above is just mind-reading, don't do it.

Doing a 180 would mean NOT offering, and putting my own plans and time first. But I can't tell if that makes him resentful or not? I am so confused as to the right thing to do.

We were all there in the beginning- worrying about how our spouse would respond to anything we say or do. The fact he is DONE with the M. No one thing you say or do is going to change that. You are on a marathon, not a sprint. Work on yourself, quit worrying about what he's thinking, quit worrying about how you're affecting him. Make YOU the best you that you can be. When you get there, maybe he'll be attracted back to you. That's the core principal of DB'ing- you can affect a change in others by changing yourself. Be happy, independent, strong and sexy again. That makes you attractive, even to your WAS.

[Upwards]

for the most part he still acts quite grumpy around me, even when my attitude is upbeat, as if just the thought of being around me--even if I am happy-- makes him miserable.

His misery is NOT related to you, although it may feel like that and he may make out that your the cause of it but the truth is that his misery is with HIMSELF because he's so confused and has no idea what he wants. If he can blame his feelings on you and your M then that means him walking away is the right decision & will make him happy, that isn't necessarily the case though & he'll realise that in his own time.

Keep on being happy & upbeat, do it for YOU!

Am I supposed to offer?? Doing a 180 would mean NOT offering, and putting my own plans and time first. But I can't tell if that makes him resentful or not? I am so confused as to the right thing to do.

You can't do things based on his reaction! We ALL do that in the beginning because we are so desperate not the make the situation any worse so please don't take this as a criticism but the quicker you stop worrying about his feelings the better it will be for you - he isn't worrying about your feelings right now is he so you need to do that & protect yourself.

Have you read the Divorce Remedy? What have you been doing for YOU to get yourself a life? You need to be be the best you that you can be, be attractive and confident, show your H what he's walking away from but most importantly do it for yourself so you can get through this regardless of what happens in your M.

Right now it seems impossible, I was there not long ago myself, but it is possible and it has AMAZING results for your confidence and self-esteem if you listen to the advice of the wonderful people here good luck, keep up the good work!

[claire7]

His misery is NOT related to you, although it may feel like that and he may make out that your the cause of it but the truth is that his misery is with HIMSELF because he's so confused and has no idea what he wants. If he can blame his feelings on you and your M then that means him walking away is the right decision & will make him happy, that isn't necessarily the case though & he'll realise that in his own time.

Keep on being happy & upbeat, do it for YOU!

Thank you for this great perspective. Yes, I agree-- he is in some way conflicted, but he has no imagination and can't believe that things could ever change. He thinks this is his only option, and his own experience with divorced parents tells him that it's not such a big deal.

What's been so hard about this is that just as I am addressing the anxiety and depression that have impacted my life for years, I must do that without the support of my spouse, or his family and friends whom I have become so close to in the last 8 years. And I have to do that healing while also learning to be a single parent, and deal with the reality of my new situation.

And yet, I am doing all that-- reconnecting with old friends, healing my relationship with my own family, learning how strong and resilient I actually am. That feels great and allows me to cut myself some slack for not becoming a completely new, perfect person overnight.

[claire7]

Progress!! Finally allowed myself to watch the last few episodes of How I Met Your Mother (a show we used to watch together) and I'm not crying! Wow. Going to mediation meeting tomorrow strong and confident!

[claire7]

I have been reluctant to post for a bit. I am nervous that my H or someone I know will discover this, but I guess that is a risk we all take.

Anyway, I've been doing all my DB'ing (LRT-ville over here)-- not initiating contact, being very positive, GAL. And while there have been some positive changes in our dynamic (he actually apologized for something he said to me recently, even though I didn't act mad or upset (and I certainly didn't say anything about it!).

He emailed me about a tax issue-- he proposed a small change in the way we pay something-- but wrote he was assured by the accountant that it would have no adverse impact on me financially if we file separately next year. He says he was concerned about that, but feels confident it won't affect me. He's offered to babysit our daughter so that I can stay out "as late as I want" even though he doesn't live here.

But at the same time, he seems so at ease and at peace with his decision. He's even said to me he has no anger towards me. He seems to think this can just be a very amicable split, we'll have a great relationship (helping each other out as friends might, even though we are far from friends in the sense that we are not involved in each others' lives at all). He cares about me, he thinks I've handled all of this "remarkably" well, he's proud of all the progress I've made and so happy for me. But still won't let himself believe that he has any other choice.

It's so mystifying and infuriating. All the effort of going through a divorce-- figuring out the settlement (months-long, and big expense), new apartment and furnishings, the effect on our daughter... all of that is worth it to him, he still sees it as his only option. Sigh. It's hard to have hope. It feels like a done deal. And if that's true, he'll just get to walk away thinking that I'm ok with it. SIGH.

[Georgiabelle]

Claire,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I just want to ask something.....did your h really say he would babysit? I know some may argue semantics but my h has used that term and he means it. H views out kids as " responsibilities and obligations" and he wants neither now. Sorry. Just had to ask if your h actually referred to it that way.

Keep the focus on you. Yes, I know that's easier said than done. However, keep doing what you are doing for YOU!

[claire7]

\did your h really say he would babysit?

I don't totally get your question. D is still with me every night. H comes over to spend time with her several days/week. When he comes after work, he puts her to bed and I come home after she is in bed. He offered to stay as long as I would like so that I could go out if I wanted. (D would be asleep). The other night, I asked him to stay a bit later than our agreed upon time. He said he couldn't, but apologized via text that night, and then sent an email the next day apologizing again. I guess he feels some guilt, but that is not enough to get him to reconsider.

[Georgiabelle]

Claire,

I know some may not get this. However, you don't babysit your own child. It's your job. And if a parent actually refers to it that way, that's a bigger issue.

Be pleasant. However, your h is trying to lull you into "isn't this great?" Don't take the bait. Focus on you and your child.