apparently w just came home and found out through someone in my family that I had a recording device in our bedroom, She began to flip the bed around etc.. I know this is not DB principal to snoop, but I had to know what was going on exactly.
I told W yes I did do it and her A is not the main focus of this M falling apart, it had to do with my issues and I did snoop so I can save this M. She then continued to call me crazy etc.. for doing this. I said PI do it and she said thats different. Im like what. She said if there is even a glimmer of hope its gone. W also said I'm bad mouthing her to her to my family, I told her, I will not do that and I haven't done that, I even told my sister that My goal is to save this M. I told W that our M is dead and the only thing left is to divorce or rebuild, I believe sheis taking the Divorce. The weird thing is I got her to calm down, I know she is angry but it will pass.
W did tell me I don't know the whole thing reffering to the A and I said I'm her to listen, not judge or get mad. I explained to her I was in her shoes once, I know what it feels like to have pain knotted in your stomach and not know which way to turn. I reassured her that I played a role in this A, that what was going on or missing in our M did contribute to it. She is worried now on what everyone thinks, I told her that I would be there to defend herif anyone says anything. this was not suppose to have gotten out like this, however it did, now I have to deal with it.
apparently w just came home and found out through someone in my family that I had a recording device in our bedroom, She began to flip the bed around etc.. I know this is not DB principal to snoop, but I had to know what was going on exactly.
I told W yes I did do it and her A is not the main focus of this M falling apart, it had to do with my issues and I did snoop so I can save this M. She then continued to call me crazy etc.. for doing this. I said PI do it and she said thats different. Im like what. She said if there is even a glimmer of hope its gone. W also said I'm bad mouthing her to her to my family, I told her, I will not do that and I haven't done that, I even told my sister that My goal is to save this M. I told W that our M is dead and the only thing left is to divorce or rebuild, I believe sheis taking the Divorce. The weird thing is I got her to calm down, I know she is angry but it will pass.
W did tell me I don't know the whole thing reffering to the A and I said I'm her to listen, not judge or get mad. I explained to her I was in her shoes once, I know what it feels like to have pain knotted in your stomach and not know which way to turn. I reassured her that I played a role in this A, that what was going on or missing in our M did contribute to it. She is worried now on what everyone thinks, I told her that I would be there to defend herif anyone says anything. this was not suppose to have gotten out like this, however it did, now I have to deal with it.
You're taking this WAY too far, in my opinion.
You should simply say "I understand you're angry, and may not agree with everything I'm doing, but understand this: EVERYTHING I'm doing is to try to save our marriage, and our family."
And then leave it.
It's not your job to protect your wife from the consequences of her infidelity, just as you have had to live with the consequences of yours. Should she decide to end her affair and return to the MARRIAGE, however, THEN your position should be "I will defend you to anyone who says anything."
This is what I did, and my wife found me to be just as (if not more) strong in my defense of her decision to try to repair our marriage, as I was in my full-out assault on her affair.
Starsky
P.S. The "Now you've REALLY blown any chance you had" thing is #1 on the Wayward Spouse Hit Parade script, you do know that . . . right? Mine said EXACTLY the same thing when she found the VAR in her car (which I replied with "I have no idea how that got there . . . maybe OM put it there, have you ever considered that? -- always fun to use their own paranoia against them )
- as a gathering of evidence for a "cause" legal action of adultery, or to help you make a decision about custody;
- to confirm no-contact, as part of a MUTUALLY-AGREED-UPON transparency plan;
- you are concerned about dissipation of marital assets, or a drug, gambling or alcohol addition, or some other behavior that might prove harmful to the family.
If you can handle it, if you can detach yourself to such an extent that you are more "hovering above" the marriage than emotionally in the MIDDLE of it . . . almost like a "game-playing" mode . . . then the information you can gather is invaluable.
However, if it's only going to serve to beat you down, and defeat you, then it's probably best not to do it.
thanks your right, I appreciateyour wisdom starsky, you said you were in a full-out assault on her affair, what do you mean by this?
She is really pissed but she comes in the room and ask me if her shirt is to small, its like wtf, one thing about my W she has been telling me about my changes and notices them. She told me that my D has noticed I stopped drinking and that right there meant alot to me that this 11yr old sees me changing.
I will no longr snoop on this affair, I'm not sure if its going to die or not, if she continues then its on her, I don't have a lot of time beformy D is final, we haveto agree on property settlement. I did notices she grabbed some paperwork of my retirment, annunity and D college fund. She told me she wasn't going after it, but it looks like she might.
W did tell me to get on the phone today and call to have the hous refinanced into my name, she wants it done now or shes going to put the house up for sale. Demanding for sure, I know she is mad. I will not do anything rash, yes we are in divorce proceedings, and I will continue to DB.
I did notices she grabbed some paperwork of my retirment, annunity and D college fund. She told me she wasn't going after it, but it looks like she might.
W did tell me to get on the phone today and call to have the hous refinanced into my name, she wants it done now or shes going to put the house up for sale. Demanding for sure, I know she is mad. I will not do anything rash, yes we are in divorce proceedings, and I will continue to DB.
Assume the best, but PLAN for the worst. And don't do ANYTHING major (like changing who has title to the house) without first consulting your attorney!!
thanks your right, I appreciateyour wisdom starsky, you said you were in a full-out assault on her affair, what do you mean by this?
Meaning I believe (as tons of research confirms) that affairs are ADDICTIONS, and the first course of action is to separate the addict from the source of their addiction before anything else meaningful can be accomplished. I also took a very strong legal and financial stance with my wife, while DBing to make myself a much better man and husband.
My username used to be "Puppy Dog Tails" (and "Chocolateeyes" before that). Since there are a TON of posts there, you may want to find May-Aug 2007, as that's when my wife was in the throes of her affair.
thanks, I know we are told to believe nothing they say and only 50 percent on what they do. I can tell you her emotions do seem to be all over the place. I will continue with my changes for this family thats for sure, and by the way I have been going to AA through my church.
The STORM has Begun, W came home and boy is she pissed at me, I had my wedding ring on the dresser after I took a shower and she threw it down the hall way, just so childesh, She flips me off, WOW! her it comes. I'm leaving out for the evening, W sees me getting ready and said to me you got a hot date, I just said yep, and she ask why are wearing new clothes I said I like them. I walked into our Bedroom and she tells me to get out of her bedroom, I replied, its my room also and I walked out. I was just putting some shoes away. She keeps checking my finger to see if I have my wedding ring on, Whats the point in wearing it anymore she doesn't and hasn't worn hers sinse 2/13/14. She was also on the phone witha guy I think a lawyer, I just don't seem to care right now, is that bad of me to think this way. I would love to keep this marriage, but it appears she wants out. Maybe I should send her a text like puppy dog tails poster did, he cut her off and went dark on her. any thougts or imput is great. I appreciate all this help.
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