I've been monitoring these boards for a few mos now and have found numerous stories that I can relate to and have helped me in my journey. Posting my story in hopes that someone out there can identify and learn from my situation as well.
In Feb of last year, W of 14 years gave me the ILYBNILWY speech, told me she was unhappy and proposed a 'controlled separation.' Basically, I felt like another child to her, I was passive aggressive when it came to our disagreements and I was too introverted and shy. I of course, freaked out, pleaded, etc before reluctantly agreeing. However, right before we were to begin the separation in April, W emailed me saying she wanted to make things work and proposed weekly dates, going back to church, etc
Summer came and went, but I don't think either one of us took the steps needed to really improve the marriage. End of Sept and W emails me saying she had been 'soul searching' and trying to decide what she wanted. Several discussions later (including more of my pleading, anger and frustration), we began our separation with each of us taking turns staying with our 3 kids at the house.
Because I had not read DR yet, I started snooping, constantly calling/texting and writing long emails expressing my feelings. I discovered an EA had started about a month before our separation and I would freak out everytime I saw a new call on the cell records. When I would confront W, it only helped push her further away and increase her anger towards me.
Late Oct, I came across DR and several other books that have helped me better handle the situation. I also began IC and confided in a couple close friends. One of the biggest complaints W had was that I was overly dependent on her. She had her own life with friends and would go out on the weekends, but I always found excuses not to make plans with my friends, thinking I was making W happy by staying home.
The past few mos, I've tried to GAL (plans with friends, bball, reading, church). I've also tried to go limited contact (no contact is hard with 3 kids) and wait for her to initiate the contact.
As I compare the first month of our separation to this past month, it's night and day. I've tried to be a friend to her and although I've had several slip ups, I try not to pressure her for a decision. Every day that goes by in which D isn't mentioned, is a win in my book! We seem to be communicating a lot better and almost on a daily basis. The hardest part now is to remain patient and have no expectations when it comes to reconciliation.
For those of you that have been through this, I look for advice on the following- W and I seem to be on good terms as far as friendship. We can laugh together and we've been trying to do family things every other week. W's parents divorced when she was young and her father basically walked away and still has limited contact with her. From the very beginning, W said she didn't want that to happen to us. She wanted to remain on friendly terms for the kids' sake. I know I should count myself lucky, especially compared to some others on these boards, but I worry that W will think that that will be life should we D. Or is building on our friendship a first step towards reconciliation?
Guess I spoke too soon, because after what I considered a pretty good couple weeks of communication, this week W has taken a turn. Called on Wed to say she wasn't feeling well and couldn't meet me at a school function, but asked me to call her later in the evening to talk about how it went. Called, but no answer. While I was out running errands later in the night, I sent her a text to ask if she needed anything for her cold while she was out, but again no response.
Didn't hear from her the rest of the week until yesterday when she text if I could come to the house at 4 to stay with the kids (she was gong out for a friend's bday). She did leave me dinner though. Text this morning about when I was going to church and what time she should come back to the house. Then just now about the sledding clothes in my car. When I offered to run them over, she declined- didn't ask if I wanted to join them even though we had talked about taking the kids on Monday.
It's almost as if she's trying to avoid talking/seeing me this week. The roller coaster ride of separation? I need to focus on having no expectations!
You're trying too hard. Have you read Sandi2's 37 Rules? Get really familiar with them!
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While I was out running errands later in the night, I sent her a text to ask if she needed anything for her cold while she was out, but again no response.
Don't initiate contact. If she initiates it's OK to respond. I know you're just trying to help, but to her it looks like pursuit and pressure and she wants neither from you right now.
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When I offered to run them over, she declined-
That's pretty common. WAS's usually don't want any help from the LBS.
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It's almost as if she's trying to avoid talking/seeing me this week.
That's probably correct. She wants time and space. Sometimes she'll reach out to you and other times push you away. Don't take it personally when she pushes you away (I know, easier said than done!) and don't have any expectations when she reaches out to you.
Be patient, it's a marathon, not a sprint! Like Cadet says, you have plenty of time, use it wisely
I did read (and print out) Sandi2's 37 Rules. I've been taking notes from various books I've read and often look through them when I find myself slipping up.
I need to get used to the roller coaster ride. Once I seem to think things are taking a turn towards the positive, it's difficult not to jump in with both feet.
With temps supposed to reach -30 tonight, I did reach out and ask if she wanted to stay at the house (the friend she's staying with doesn't have a garage). Am I being 'too nice'? It's a hard balance between being thoughtful/considerate and not offering help. I'm a classic Mr Nice Guy (according to the book and my IC). She said she'd think about it and also talked about doing a movie as a family tomorrow evening.
I started out using the LRT (especially in regards to initiating contact), but have recently reached out at times as I think our relationship is getting better. At what point is it ok to ask about dating each other? Do I need to wait until she tells me she wants to work on the relationship? Wait for her to ask me? Or does a weekly/monthly date help keep the lines of communication open? She took me out to dinner for my birthday last Monday and we had no problem laughing and talking with each other. But I think that also may have scared her off based on this weeks actions.
Break out the 2x4, but I asked this weekend if W was in a place yet where we could have discussions about both of us staying at the house (currently, she stays with a friend for 3 nights, then I stay with my parents for the other 4). She knows that staying with my parents is taking a toll on me- I appreciate being able to stay there, but not having to check in on my coming and goings. Anyways, she said no, which led into a R discussion.
The more I talk with her, the more I think she's going through a MLC. She brings up the fact that she was 'told' she had to get married at 19, have a baby, etc. Not by me, but 'everyone'. She said she feels like everyone is criticizing her for what she's doing. I asked her what would make her happy in life and the response was along the lines of being with someone and not having to put work into it as well as being financially independent. I think that's why she seems content on being in limbo right now- we can't afford an apt, so the only affordable option is for her to move in with the friend she's staying with, which means she wouldn't get to have the kids. She even mentioned that as being the only long term solution she can think of.
She also talked about our personalities not matching up and that we shouldn't have to change who we are for other people. When I asked for an example, I was told my passive aggressiveness. I tried my best to just listen, but chimed in that although we can't make others change, if I see a personality trait in myself that I don't like, I can make changes. I tried not to be defensive, but probably could have done a better job of just validating her feelings, not expressing my own. When I told her that I was just trying to be a friend to her right now, she responded that she doesn't think she can be friends with me because she knows that I want more than that. I've definitely seen her push back when things seem to being going well.
Although I go back and forth, I think I'm at a point now where I realize that she is not the person I married 14 years ago. She's said and done a lot of hurtful things. I don't want to be with that person. I hope that she can find herself and what makes her happy in life. Although I hope that involves me and the kids, I'm starting to realize that I'll be ok if it doesn't. I feel like I'm on the fence of continuing to DB vs initiating talks about the next steps involved in ending things (would that wake her up and get us out of the limbo phase?)
My goal this week is to not reach out to her. Let her reach out to me, if she so desires. I've offered to be a friend and it seems as though she doesn't want that right now. The next question will be what to do/give for Valentine's Day (if anything). I had wanted to do something as a family, but now thinking I treat it just like any other day.
Any suggestions on how to discuss the issue of money with W?? I'm the bread winner in the family and there's no way she/we could afford a separate place right now. W has made several remarks about how she has no options because of this, yet will go out and spend $50 on dinner/drinks every week. If she's so desperate to bail, I would think she'd do everything possible to save money.
I hesitate on bringing up the topic as it will only come across as me spying on her spending habits and lead to an arguement, but if she continues to spend like that, we'll never be able to save up enough to afford a 2nd residence (not that that's what I want).
Or do I just stay quiet and take the approach of if she's not doing everything she can to save money, she's not 100% sold on leaving??
Hi and welcome aboard. You mentioned reading books and making notes. That's great. I hope DR was among those you've read.
I'm going to get straight to the point here. You will probably not be able to think what your WAW is thinking.....or how she feels. You can save yourself from making a lot of mistakes by adjusting to that fact now. I have my first time to read a post from the LBH stating what he believes his WAW's thinks (or what "he" thinks she thinks... ) and say to myself, "Yes, that's it! That is what she's thinking!"
Next point, you can't fix her, but more importantly, she doesn't want to fixed by you. The more you try to "help" get her fixed, the worse you make things for yourself.
Next point, she does not want to hear you tell her what she's "really" feeling. That infuriates most loving and rational W's who want to listen to her H. Just imagine how it sets with a woman who does not want to be M to him....much less hear him tell her that he knows more about what she's thinking/feeling than she knows herself! Just thought I would throw that little tidbit your way.
I have learned that the LBH looks at marriage separation completely different than how the WAW sees it. If you see it as a time the two of you will figure out the problems in the M and begin working on them.....you're way off base. B/c to the WAW, she was through with the M and the separation is simply a stepping stone to getting freedom.
And that's the magic word for her. Freedom! And the more you try to convince her otherwise, the more she will rebel and fight to get it.
I cannot stress enough that, for now, you need to back away. You have been trying to get closer to her, right? But you need to step back. Stop finding excuses to contact her or try to help her. She's a big girl and what she doesn't know how to do....she needs to learn real quick. The more you interfere (or as you would see it...."helping")the more difficult and longer her "process" will take. She has to learn for herself, and usually, it is hard & painful experiences. She has to be slapped in the face with cold, harsh, reality before coming to her senses. You can't do it, but neither should you try to protect her from it.
It's like when we have to let our adult children learn for themselves. We never reach a point we stop loving and caring, but if they won't learn from example, then they usually have to learn from experience. Our nature wants to shield them and assist them b/c we can't bear to see them go through some of the stuff that have to endure in order to mature. And until you actually face that with your own children, you can't imagine what it's really like.
In ways, your W is a rebellious teenager or young adult who will not listen.....nor does she want to. Stepping back is not a sign that you've stopped loving her. Allowing her to deal with some tough issues does not mean you don't care. But as a LBH, who hopes that he will have a future with the woman he loves...you must learn to do things differently from this point forward. It won't feel right. You won't like it. You will try to rationalize why your way is better. But it can work. It has worked! I hope you will let it work to save your M.
One more thing, for now. This is not girl you M. Don't expect her to think, feel, nor act like the one you fell in love with and M.
We are here to help you. I hope you'll stick with us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So right now we're sharing the house- I'm there 3 days a week, her 4. When I leave, I make sure the laundry is done, the house picked up, bathrooms cleaned, etc. My thought being that leaving her a clean house means 1 less stress when she gets back to the house, 3 kids and 4 animals. Should I continue doing this as a nice gesture or is that not allowing her to figure out what it would be like without me?
During our M, I did some helping around the house, but probably not to the extent she would have liked. I started out doing this as one of my 180's. I've noticed that some times when I get back to the house, the favor has been returned, other times, it's not.
) and say to myself, "Yes, that's it! That is what she's thinking!" 