Ugggh -- those are rough. You need to tell friends and family, lovingly but firmly, "I know you're trying to help me by letting me know that, but I'm already aware they are together and each of these reports just hurts me even more, so I'd appreciate not informing me of these anymore."
Yep. The bad part is they've already told the story by the time I get around to saying it. Hahaha.
Maybe a big email blitz to all my contacts will help.
H came here - again - at lunch. I am so over it. I honestly don't know how spouses continue living in the same home with their cheating spouses. It's a special kind of torture to see him daily. I may have derailed a little, but I asked him how much longer he thinks his moving is going to take. He snapped at me, saying it's going to take more than 15 minutes during lunchtime to finish. I offered to help since I'm home all the time. He, of course, refused.
He mentioned he was yelled at yesterday for being late to work after lunch. I asked why he was late; he had been here, after all. And he snapped again: "Because I don't want to BE there anymore!" I just walked away.
He gets this way sometimes. It's hateful. I don't know how people stand to work with him. Similar to having to live with him when he's like that.
He was in a more lighthearted mood in previous weeks when he was around. It could be because I've switched my approach a little: fewer niceties, more boundaries. Feels counterintuitive. Which means I'm probably right on point.
But he seems to be growing distant and angry in response. He's not smiling at all except when he's with the kids.
It could be that whatever OH has that shows undeniable proof of the A "came out," and that's what has triggered the mood shift. The timing is right. And it must be big for it to have made OH land himself at an atty's office just weeks after trying to reconcile. Especially when he doesn't have a job. That's a pretty ballsy (and frightening) move; I know from experience. Perhaps OW is under extra stress right now with her M crumbling.
I could see any of that causing H to become snippy and bitter and distant, too.
But, hey, this is what they wanted, right? Each other. Not their spouses. We are making it "easy" for them to be together. They most certainly planned to be on Cloud 9 without us in their way. Guess that's not turning out quite like planned.
Just wondering if I should stick to my current approach or go back to being a little softer. I'll probably stay "here" for a week or so and monitor what happens?
Signed the conflict-of-interest waiver today for my firm to represent OH. Onward ...
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Every time HIS mood changes, I start trying to figure out why.
I can make this make sense by saying: Well, I'm trying to figure out if what I'm doing is working to bring him closer to me. He's obviously not acting closer to me. And so then I head down that "mind-reading slippery slope" - wellll, it COULD be this ... or it COULD be that - justifying myself by thinking I'm "monitoring results." Clearly, I'm instead just on a self-destructive, mind-screwing slippery slope. I'm getting into his crazy.
Despite circumstances, my boundary-drawing isn't drawing him closer to me. Duly noted. But it could just be too early.
THAT's how I need to focus, yes?
Now, how to continue to detach and stick to what's working ... while also being able to "experiment and monitor results" (without being drug into his messed-up head and circumstances) ...
I'm up for pointers!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Every time HIS mood changes, I start trying to figure out why.
I can make this make sense by saying: Well, I'm trying to figure out if what I'm doing is working to bring him closer to me. He's obviously not acting closer to me. And so then I head down that "mind-reading slippery slope" - wellll, it COULD be this ... or it COULD be that - justifying myself by thinking I'm "monitoring results." Clearly, I'm instead just on a self-destructive, mind-screwing slippery slope. I'm getting into his crazy.
Despite circumstances, my boundary-drawing isn't drawing him closer to me. Duly noted. But it could just be too early.
Drawing boundaries do two or three things very well. "Drawing our spouses closer to us" wouldn't be one of them, and in fact -- at least in the short term -- I've seen MANY much-needed, very-healthy boundaries actually temporarily push the wayward spouse further AWAY.
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
Spectacular words right there, if live a happy life, make new friends, loose those extra pounds, quit smoking, having new hobbies, and enjoying life doesnt bring the spouse back....I rather pay that price and take that bullet then have my spouse back....
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
