Don't mean to hijack the thread here, but what is the squirrel analogy and the blanket outside of the castle? I googled, but didn't find what you may be referring to.
I won't do either of them justice (so if someone has it, please post!), but basically:
Imagine you are trying to feed a squirrel from your hand. Clearly, any sudden movements will send them off running, so you must move slowly. You make your hand seem as inviting as you can, without scaring him off. And it's going to take an awful lot of patience on your part before he'll even consider it.
When the squirrel finally works up the nerve to come to your hand, again, any sudden movements will send him scurrying....you can't immediately start petting him or anything. If you do something to scare him, he may never come back. So patiently, slowly, over time, the squirrel will built trust to come to you repeatedly.
The castle analogy is the same concept, except your spouse is inside a castle, behind a moat, drawbridge, etc. You set up a blanket outside, start enjoying yourself, laugh, have a good time. Eventually, the spouse will get curious and start watching. They may even sneak out of the castle for a closer look. If it turns out you're faking it, or you try to grab them, they'll return to the castle and may not come back.
So the idea is, if you detach, start working on you, find yourself, etc....there's a decent chance your spouse will notice, and may come to check things out. You have to be extremely patient....before they come, and even after. You cannot apply any pressure, or they will bail.
Woke up this morning and my H WASNT the first thing on my mind, definitely a first!
Still NC, finding I've got a lot more head space and I'm much more relaxed, Im thinking of him often but don't have the anxiety attached anymore. Problem I'm having is that I'm fantasising that it's all going to be fine & my H is going to come to me in a few weeks & be ready to commit, how do I stop myself doing this as I don't want to set myself for a huge fall?
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Thats one of the biggest problem all of us and I guess most human faces... When we start thinking, the best way to " stop" thinking about that, its just accepting that now its what its in our head and as many other feelings it will pass....
When we have this thinkings if you realize we judge ourselves....you dont beleive already in the think.... And you "punished" yourself for having that thinking that "will lead me to fail again" Just accept its there and let it stay as long as it wants.....as you can see there are thoughs from the beggining that you dont have anymre...
Accept and be happy, fight and be sad...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Still NC, finding I've got a lot more head space and I'm much more relaxed, Im thinking of him often but don't have the anxiety attached anymore.
That's progress!
Originally Posted By: Upwards
Problem I'm having is that I'm fantasising that it's all going to be fine & my H is going to come to me in a few weeks & be ready to commit, how do I stop myself doing this as I don't want to set myself for a huge fall?
It is all going to be fine...that much is true. But how you define "fine" will change over time.
So what are you working on for you? What changes are you trying to make? And what are you doing for GAL?
It is all going to be fine...that much is true. But how you define "fine" will change over time.
Yes I suppose if fantasising about it being fine with H isn't the end of the world, it's keeping me positive & helping me move forwards - obviously I hope that's the way it goes but I'm sure that if it doesn't I'll be fine. I'm not afraid of being on my own & know I can manage on my own, I just don't want to!
Quote:
So what are you working on for you? What changes are you trying to make? And what are you doing for GAL?
I've been working on focusing on myself (which has been difficult after so long focused on H!) and figuring out what makes me happy & what I want from life and for me & the kids for the future. My IC also asked me to think about what I would want from my H if he came to me & said he wanted to R, how could things work & what I'd need from him to be happy in the relationship.
GAL - I've been spending lots more time socialising with friends & family, I've signed up for voluntary work, looking into joining the gym, getting back into meditation, I'm in the process of getting my DSLR camera fixed so I can get back into photography (hobby). Lots more lined up too.
I've also got myself new clothes, haircut, tan, nails & lost 3 stone in weight
I feel like a new woman - my confidence is increasing every day and I'm starting to feel like ME again and I like it, watch out I'm baaaack haha!
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
My H text me today saying "How are the kids I'm missing them loads" and I ignored, I felt like it was more about satisfying HIS feelings of missing them than genuinely wanting to know how they are - he knows he'd be the first person I'd contact if they were poorly, upset etc.
He's tried to contact me via text several times yesterday (random unnecessary stuff) & been ignored so I feel like he's doing it to try to get a response from me.
I feel a little bad for ignoring, what do you think?
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Well check this out... You want your changes to be real right? So basically YOU ARE TOO BUSY involved in your own life to answer to his text messages...you dont feel "bad" you probably have fear...fear that if you dont answer youll loose him forver, remember that now the ball is on his court side, he is the one that with actions and not words has to demostrate he wants you back... So let him show you that....if you are busy you have no time to answer to his text messages, you actually dont need to, when you see one of his text messages and start having doubts if to answer or not, grab a book or start cooking something or go for a walk and leave the phone at home... Lets see how you feel after those activities....its like when you quit smoking...first days you are craving for a cigarette so you occupy those cogarettes times with something else
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Your kids are really young, so I think you have to be the middle ground for them at this age. You're going to have to help them communicate with their father....it is the right thing for them.
That said, it doesn't mean you have to "be" in the middle....it just means you have to figure out a way that works for your kids, you, and your H. Scheduled times with skype or facetime are awesome. Try to think of how you can keep your kids connected with their father without being in the middle of it.
Personally, all my kids have phones except my 6yo, so I text them regularly. For my 6yo, he has an ipod, so I am probably going to get an ipad or iphone this year so I can connect with him directly. I never call my X and ask her about the kids....never. I get enough info from them via text, and a call to the X just opens a bag of worms unrelated to the kids.
That idea that Breakdown proposed there its fantastic!!!
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
