For Scorp7...since your thread is locked.

[ericmsant2]

Scorp

You have gotten a lot of very good advice and perspective from people that I really respect. As Drew mentioned, many of us have been where you find yourself today. It is not a nice place to be; then again, it is also where you are – so you need to accept it. I have a lot going on at work today so I will keep this short (at least short for me – no comments Mach or Drew).

You made mistakes in your M. We all did. Get over it. Holding on to it does no good whatsoever. It seems like you are still carrying around a lot of chit – guilt – that is driving some of your choices. Much like Mach and Drew have echoed, I wonder if there is more to your story that you are letting us in on. Personally, I do not need to know, I think YOU have to figure out if there is something that you are not saying that is affecting how you are looking at your current sitch. If I were to guess (and this is a guess), I think that deep down inside you know you f’d up by not trying to secure access to the kids sooner. This has result in you trying to tippy toe around your W and probably your L so that YOU do not look “bad”. Guess what? It will look bad dude. Sorry. That said, you have to get over it. Another thing I wonder is…..how much YOU really want the kids. What I mean by this is something that Mach touched on….have you really separated you as a father from you as a husband. My point is, are you using the kids as a ploy to get your W back? If you are, then trust me, your L, a court, your W and more importantly…your kids will see right through it.

So Scorp, anything else you care to share?

At the end of the day, the advice that you have received about asking FIRST for what YOU WANT is spot on. That said, I really believe that the first thing you need to do is to ask yourself what is in the best interest of your kids. Look yourself in the mirror and separate how you feel about your W, your MIL, your M – what is in their best interest? Add to that…what is in their best interest TODAY and that YOU have some level of control over. I mention control because at the end of the day, YOU do not control YOUR W….so if you give me the standard “I want my kids to have MOM in their life, o I want me and my wife to be able to co parent”….my response is gonna be 1) YOUR kids will always have mom in their life – the relationship between MOM and the kids is NOT YOURS to control or manipulate. 2) Co parenting involves TWO people. Going into thinking that you caving in and agreeing to everything your W wants NOW, in the hope that she will co parent is flawed thinking. You cannot control your W! You cannot make her co parent. Not now – not ever. So if you think about…..this is why everyone is saying that you need to do what YOU want to do. It is why everyone is telling you to not cave in….just yet.

You did not take the kids 4 hours aways. Your W did. Do you know why she did it? IMO, your W did it because that is what SHE wanted. Notice that she is doing what SHE thinks is best. Do you think that moving closer and selling a nice new house that the kids live in is in their best interest? IMO, NO it is not. It may be in your W best interest but how is that yours….then again, unless your choices are ALL driven by trying to get HER back.

My sitch was different than yours. I stayed in the house (slept on the floor for a while) so that I could be near my kids. The other reason though….is because I was afraid. I was frozen with guilt. When, I finally faced my issues – well then things got a lot clearer. For almost 2 years my ex did not agree to 50/50…according to her, she wanted her time with the kids. I also was much like you…I wanted my kids to enjoy their mom, I wanted to have a great co parenting R with my ex. So I agreed to 50/50 EVEN THOUGH the kids were probably better off with me full time. Anywhoo…we divorced, me happy with my 50/50….then reality set it. I had the kids 70 – 80 of the time, I had to deal with all the parent responsibility – all of it. My ex….ummm…she was busy living her life. I became the rock for my kids. I am soooo happy I was blessed with the opportunity to do it. It is still to this day, the best time of my life. I tear up still when I think about how I had to show my D12 how to shave her pits. LOL. Her mom, well she was busy living her life. My point in all of this is simple………….

Had I had the b*lls to ask for EXACTLY what I wanted and what I think was best for the kids…chances are, I would have received it.

I was scared Scorp…

So…once again….what is better for the kids? If it really is….50/50 with mom and an elderly MIL, in a town that is not as nice and has a higher crime rate – then fine OR if YOU really do not want them more than half the time, that is okay too. Trust me it is not easy being a full time parent.

So Scorp what make the most sense for THEM – cause trust me….the real victims here are THEM, it is NOT YOU nor YOUR W. It is them.

[ye21]

Well I am going to go further....
Need help saving my family...thats the title of your threads... Then a bunch of us put time in telling you the steps to follow but you prefer to be a victim....
I can come here everyday and tell you that she is a piece of Chit and nothing will change...do you know why? Because she is not the problem....
The problem here is you... Your self steeme its one of the problems here....
Basically you dont love, respect or care at all about the most important person you ever had in your life....thats correct that person its you!

You tell us that she blames you for everything, and one very important detail...how you been a musician and she wished you had quitted that so then you poorly you tell us that she is right and you were thinking about it....

While I was with my wife I wanted to be a photographer...support myself with photography and I did it, I became a very suscessfull paparazzi....2 years after I knew that as I kept repeating myself tht wasnt the photography I wanted to do so guess what? I stopped doing that, the kind of photography I want to do will arrive but first I have other things to do in order to reach that vision...

So no more drama in my life...I quit because I wasnt happy doing that type of photography not because my wife told me...
I did that for my own self and my own benefit...I made a lot of money but I lost many things in the proccess so it wasnt for me....

It seems that all the things you were doing for yourself suddendly they dont matter so your W leaves and your passions leave with her and bro I cant believe that...its simply and pure lying to yourself... You want to keep doing it? Fine...your w its not coming back that way....

So now if I was her I would left you a long time ago...maybe I wouldnt even had kids with you ( I am not trying to hurt you) the reason why? Because your lack of confidence.... You doubting about your music career are just telling her...if one day doesnt work....so she probably tought oh chit what if we are 60 and he decides he is quitting without a plan? A woman has to look for her and her kids... She doesnt need you to be Michael Jackson, she needed you to believe in yourself, and when we dont have hobbies or friends or enjoy our life we are showing to the world that we dont love ourselves so of course many people dont want to be around us....
In life there are difficult times and your W its a person that supports you through them....but if you are not supporting yourself bro, she cant do all the job...

Thats what we show you here, to be confident and believe in yourself...your W might as well have her own issues and trust me when I tell you that her resentment now its probably because she sees that even now you are rejecting to take care of yourself...why would she respect you if you dont respect yourself???

Now you keep accussing her...dude I got it she might have problems but those are her problems not yours....you are focussing on her problems because its easier to blame her than to take a personal inventory of yourself...and dude you dont have to change that much...its hard the change but its necessary....

I guarantee you that if you respect and follow the advice members give you here you will succeed at this...if not, well keep doing what you doing and having 3000 threads, but nothing its gonna be different...you want different things? Work for them my friend, we are here to help you on that proccess....

So this is not easy and look once you improve and recover the pasion for the music... I cant believe you did that for 20 years out of passion just because it was a job....i just cant believe that...
Once you recover that passion and hobbies and work towards ACCEPTING YOURSELF you can have whatever you want...even your W back...but untill them you are just crownling down the hole and more and more chit will happen....
And listen if you improve yourself and your W tells you hey I still dont want to be with you because you are not tall enough, you dont make enough money... You will not care less about that... Dont change to be who she wants...change to be who you want.

Are you ready to start now or should we keep going and continue to "blame" her??

[Barrybran]

Scorp, I'm still in the 'location doesn't matter' camp but I agree with ye that you have low self-esteem. Through all of your threads we've all seen the common trend of people pleasing and that comes about through a lack of love for yourself. I can say that because I've been the same person and I'm still working on it. I live where my wife wants to live and I do the bulk of the housework and kid-chasing in my home. Originally, it was to try and please my wife and it didn't work. She appeared to not notice or worse, not care, and in turn I felt like crap because my efforts were going to waste. Once I found DB and started working on myself, it became clear to me I had to do things for myself, that made me happy, and surprisingly, I stayed in town because I wanted to be with my kids more than I wanted entertainment, etc and I kept up with the bulk of the housework because I enjoyed having clean clothes and dishes and a tidy house. You do need to work out what you want. Write it down and prioritise it if you have to. It will help steer you in the right direction.

As for the musician thing, you've had that longer than you've been married to your wife. Think about that. It's a great GAL activity and you meet new people through it too.

[Mach1]

I can take on the world if need be, but when it comes to my W I have a very hard time going against her. In our M I ALWAYS checked with her before I did ANYTHING. I did a lot of things that were really only for me that my W went along with but she's told me since she's been gone that she actually resented those things. Again, as I've said before, she was either afraid to tell me or I think the main issue was she didn't want to disappoint me by not going along with what she thought I wanted.

The "buts" above....bolded in text, and bolded once again in actions, or in this case.....INaction.

The rest ?

The good points are invalidated by the "buts" ....

And like Drew said, pretty script with her words. She is going to find ANYthing to push away from you.

One thing that I was eluding to with my prior post, was that there is something that just isn't right when I read you, and the way that you sell yourself to please other people.

If you were to honestly read back through your threads, I think that you may agree that something is amiss there. It's not the way that you answer things, or speak. Actually, it's the things that you avoid talking about, and the way that you don't fully address certain things that throws me off with you.

So I am gonna lay it out there and ask some very specific questions to you....

You avoid any real confrontation with your spouse, and you are more than ready to bow down to her every whim. You explain that you are doing this in hopes of saving the marriage. Yet I see you bowing to the same set of things with your Female lawyer. You tend to answer more directly to the Female posters here.

And now, you are talking about getting a Nanny for your kids when they are with you ??

Given the option, would you say that your kids are better off being with the Nanny that you hire ?? Or their Mother ???

I'm not sure what your view is about the traditional "roles" of a Husband and Wife within a marriage. Although I get the feeling that your ego has (and I haven't met a musician yet that doesn't have an ego), allowed you to slip into 'caveman' mentality with this....

What is it, that intimidates you about the Female gender ???

What did the normal day look like within your house when your spouse was still there ???

Another thing is....

Rarely...does a woman just decide one day to move away from her Husband and move herself and her young children 4 hours away without some sort of indication that it's happening, or going to happen.

She filed (what you now call a BS) complaint against you, that ...

1- You didn't argue with
2-She didn't follow up on

For me, that indicates that somewhere, someway, there has been a past issue with this ....

Has there been ?

Why was she so intimidated by you, that she left in the way that she did ????

I'd mentioned a few times that I'm a musician, played in bands for about 20+ years, toured and did the whole thing. My W was always, seemingly, very supportive of me with my music. When she left she told me she resented my playing in my band, especially after our kids came along and that I should have quit years ago. I'd been conflicted before she left and thought about giving up the band for a long time but she encouraged me to keep going with it. Since she's told me how she felt I've had a hard time even touching a guitar and music has lost all the joy it used to give me.

I am calling BS on this one...

First off, I don't think that you are really seeing the point here.

Women in general, are the most supportive, nurturing, loving people that were ever created. They far outweigh the efforts of us cave dwellers....

Women also, want to be chosen...EVERY DAY by the Man that they love....

So it wasn't that you played music, it was the fact that you CHOSE music over her...

And IF you would have chosen her, everyday, then you can add faithful to that list above....

And it isn't that she told you... that hurts....it's the fact that it is true, and your own guilt has you reeling from it....

Hindsight is 20/20, and I'm sure that you would do it different now...

Would you do it FOR your family ??

Or to relieve your guilt over doing it ???

So...why are you not playing still ??

[Drew]

What I can't get past:

She left with your kids and moved them four hours away.

She accused you of abuse and had you arrested.

And you did nothing for five months.

What aren't you telling us?

[Scorp7]

Eric:

I think that deep down inside you know you f’d up by not trying to secure access to the kids sooner.

I can see that I made a mistake by not getting a L involved sooner. I tried to be patient, talk it out with my W, etc, and believed that would lead to us working on our M and getting back together. It obviously hasn't happened so far.

Another thing I wonder is…..how much YOU really want the kids. What I mean by this is something that Mach touched on….have you really separated you as a father from you as a husband. My point is, are you using the kids as a ploy to get your W back? If you are, then trust me, your L, a court, your W and more importantly…your kids will see right through it

I want my kids more than anything in this world. I do not view anything I have done in the past or am planning for the future in any way relates to my W. I AM their Dad and I want to be with them and give them the best life I can. This isn't a new thing since my W left, I've always felt that way. I have done and will always do anything for them.

Anyway, I'm not trying to control my W with what I'm doing today. My only priority is my kids and I'm not willing to risk losing them in a custody battle so that I can keep a house, a job etc. All the material things have some importance but they can be replaced, time with my kids can't.

Being a single parent is hard. I've done a fair bit of it since my W has been gone and I watched my parents do it for most of my childhood. I wouldn't trade that for anything! No matter how hard things have been, every second of my time with my kids has always been awesome and I will do whatever I have to in order to make sure they will never have me for anything less than half their time.

[Scorp7]

Ye, I realize I've come across as though I feel I'm a victim. I don't really believe I feel that way. I definitely don't think my wife is a bad person at all.

The problem here is you... Your self steeme its one of the problems here....
Basically you dont love, respect or care at all about the most important person you ever had in your life....thats correct that person its you!

I agree 100%. I've been seeing a IC to deal with it for the past 5+ months but it's something that will take time. I do take pretty good care of myself but when it comes to my W I definitely put way more value on her than I do myself.

why would she respect you if you dont respect yourself???

My problems stem from insecurity. From that I tried to compensate by giving my W and kids everything (house, cars, stuff). I gave them all that but I didn't give them enough of what mattered most, myself. Being insecure, I never thought I was good enough for my family which in turn led to depression. Not a great combo to be sure.

Bottom line, I know I need to work on myself and that I can't control anything with my W. The changes I'm making are for my kids and for myself. I do think I'm getting better but it's going to take time.

Are you ready to start now or should we keep going and continue to "blame" her??

I guess I may have come across as "blaming" my W but I take FULL responsibility for my 50% of the situation. My W has to live with her role in our M and what's happened since but there's nothing I can do about that.

[Scorp7]

Barry, I don't really care where I live although where I am now is a far better place for my kids to be than where they are with my W. By far the most important thing is that my kids have their Dad with them for at least half their time.

Like Ye touched on, I do suffer from a very poor self esteem, big time insecure etc. I'm getting better at not letting it effect me so much but it's going to take time.

[Scorp7]

Mach

You avoid any real confrontation with your spouse, and you are more than ready to bow down to her every whim.

Not doing that anymore. I've said I want 50/50 with my kids and will not discuss anything else with my W until that has been completed.

And now, you are talking about getting a Nanny for your kids when they are with you ??

Given the option, would you say that your kids are better off being with the Nanny that you hire ?? Or their Mother ???

I don't want a nanny or any other child care for my kids. This is just a practicality. I'm not sure how anyone could work AND give their kids the full attention they need. My W is not with our kids most of the time right now either. She is either away at work or when she is working from home my MIL watches the kids. I will be with my kids all the time, whether a nanny is there to help or not.

What is it, that intimidates you about the Female gender ???

They don't intimidate me. Actually I think I love women in general too much. To the point that I think my W is much better than I am. I put her and a lot of women on a pedestal. Likely partly due to my own insecurity.

What did the normal day look like within your house when your spouse was still there ???

Monday through Thursday I drove into the city to work in the office. I would be away from 9am to about 4 or 5pm. I drove my D6 to school every day and took my D4 to pre school when I could. I worked from home each Friday and which allowed my W to work with her clients in the city so my D4 and S2 were home with me. I tried to work from home other days during the week to be with the kids as much as I could. My W did most of the cooking and I would clean up afterward. We shared laundry, cleaning the house and caring for the kids. When I wasn't at work I was generally at home with my W and my kids other than when I was doing something with my music which was fairly rarely over the last couple of years.

Rarely...does a woman just decide one day to move away from her Husband and move herself and her young children 4 hours away without some sort of indication that it's happening, or going to happen.

She filed (what you now call a BS) complaint against you, that ...

1- You didn't argue with
2-She didn't follow up on

For me, that indicates that somewhere, someway, there has been a past issue with this ....

Has there been ?

Why was she so intimidated by you, that she left in the way that she did ????

It took me a while to come to grips with the fact that my W had planned, at least on some level, to leave me at least a year before she left. Why was my W intimidated by me? I'm guessing because she saw me angry plenty of times in the past, not at her, but just at life in general (not cool I know). Add that to the fact my W is generally a very shy, quiet person and I can be very much the opposite. When we first met my W was afraid to answer the door because she was so shy.

So it wasn't that you played music, it was the fact that you CHOSE music over her...

I think it came down to my W seeing that no matter what I did or how much she supported my I didn't seem to be happy. She did everything for me, supported me with everything and yet I still didn't seem happy. In truth I was very happy but I did a really bad job of showing that to her.

So...why are you not playing still ??

I actually quit my band within days of my W leaving. I felt I needed to devote 100% of my time and attention to my family so I couldn't put in the time needed for my music. I know my kids loved watching and listening to me play and I do miss it so I likely will return to playing at some level again down the road. I don't see myself doing any touring but just playing locally, doing some recording at home and most importantly teaching my kids to play if they want to learn.

[Scorp7]

Ok, here is what I have ready to send to my W:

Are you willing to consider moving back to the Scorp's City area?

In response to your questions:

1) If there is a shared parenting arrangement agreed to I would go to the trouble of relocating to the W's Home Town area.

2) I would move as soon as we agreed on a shared parenting plan which splits time and custody with our kids 50/50.

3, 4) While it would take a lot of work to make happen and cooperation from Scorp's Company, I expect to work from home on a full time basis for Scorp's Company and would maintain my current position.

5) I understand that my work schedule would remain essentially the same, Monday to Friday, 40 hours per week. I would hire child care to assist with caring for the kids while I am working.

6) I may need to return to Scorp's City once or twice per month and would do so during the time the kids are with you.

It is not my preference to relocate to W's Province as all of my extended family and friends support system as well as my job is in Scorp's Province. Also, it will take considerable work and personal sacrifices for me to relocate to W's Province. However, if you are prepared to co-parent with me in W's Province, then I am prepared to work with my employer to make relocation to W's Province happen.

End of message.

Here is my W's original message from a couple of days ago:


You have presented the idea of sharing the care of the kids on an equal basis. I have a few questions that would help me to effectively discuss the proposal with you, such as:

1. Are you planning on moving to the W's Home Town area?

2. What does your timeline look like?

3. What about work?

4. Would you be working remotely for Scorp's Company? or would you be trying to find employment here?

5. What would your work schedule be like?

6. How often would you have to go to Scorp's City?

I did ask my L about asking my W if she would move back to my province. Here response was "Yes it would have been but it seems like you have already floated the idea of you coming out there and she responded to that.........You could certainly say at the beginning that your preference would be for her to move back to your province etc etc."