I'M BACKKKKKKKKKKK

[DFE]

Is this the END?

He has said he wants a divorce and that he is DONE DONE DONE!!!

we went back and forth on email fighting like two enemies. I finally sent him one last email saying listen I am not your enemy. I will always love you no matter what happens. You will always have a special place in my heart. Please give me a little time to come up with options to split our assets and we can do this amicably.

He came upstairs and shook my hand and said I don't want to fight. We have made a decision and lets move forward with it. He tried talking to me later last night but I told him I wasn't in the proper state of mind to speak about it right now. (I was sobbing like a child)

So now what? He wants to know how we are going to do this and I have no answers. Attorney's will make us lose everything. If I go that route he wants custody of the kids as well. He wants 50 percent of everything. EVERYTHING. This is a new him but he has come to his boiling point.

So last night I came down and said if its ok we will talk tomorrow. I gave him a hug and he kissed me on the cheek. I then went to bed. I came down to the couch where he was sleeping at around 5 am and asked if I could lay next to him. I had heard noises all night. Turns out it was him walking around. He held me while I laid my head on his chest. I slept. I wanted to weep.

Now what do I do? I have two ideas but need opinions.

I think I have brought myself down in his eyes too many times asking him to work on this marriage. He came back on his own this time but it's only been a month. I can just say here this is what we have. let's sell the house, continue to work together in our business, and you move out.

OR

I can tell him to build the basement like he has been wanting to. Build his man cave instead of the money he will spend on an apartment rental. He can spend his time there if that's what he chooses and can sleep in the spare bedroom upstairs or wherever he wants. I will stay out of his way. I think it's important for him to be here for me and for the kids. It will save us money. It will keep him in his home of comfort. He told me when he came back last time that leaving is the hardest thing he has ever had to do. How can I let him go again?

I know I need to open up the cage doors and I will. But do I give him an option to also stay in the house or just go along with him leaving and call this over? Once he is gone I am done trying. I can't take the pain anymore of him going and coming.

We are to leave for vacation with friends next week. We have bought tickets. He plans on going. How can I still go? What to do? please tell me. Give me your opinions. I love him but also realize how much work we need to do. I know our relationship hasn't been perfect but in my heart I don't feel we have done the work to repair it. Is that my delusion?

Experts, newcomers, all please help. Please give me advise and help me through today.

[jp787]

Does option B (mancave) work for you?

[Starsky309]

I think the "mancave" thing will be VERY confusing for your kids.

I also think you should let your attorney handle the financial and custody stuff. You're WAY too emotionally involved (understandably!) for you to try to negotiate those kinds of things with a man in your husband's current hell-bent-on-leaving state.


Starsky

[Accuray]

DFE,

I've only read your last post and not your whole sitch, but if it were me, I probably would not go on that vacation. It sounds like this situation is wreaking havoc with your emotions and I would think that taking that vacation with him would not be practicing good self-care.

WRT having him live in the basement:

Once he is gone I am done trying. I can't take the pain anymore of him going and coming.

How serious are you about that?

At the point you decide you're "done", you will need to grieve the loss of the relationship, rediscover yourself as a single woman, and at some point you will want to start dating again, as foreign as that concept may seem at this point.

Likewise, your H, if he is truly "DONE DONE DONE" will likely be interested in finding a new relationship at some point.

Having him live in the basement is going to be problematic for both of you with regard to moving your lives forward. The more contact you have with him on a daily basis, the more prolonged your grieving and healing process will be.

If you are willing to tolerate continued limbo because you have not given up hope and still choose to "stand", then allow him to stay in the house. (Most of your comments would lead me to believe this is really how you feel)

If you are truly ready to drop the rope and move on, then do NOT let him stay in the house, because it will hold you back and prolong your pain.

So really, it comes down to what do YOU want to do?

Acc

[DFE]

I'm done. Tonight I realized I don't know this man. He isn't the man I thought I married. I think I'm ready to drop the rope. We had a bad argument tonight and I haven't even called or text him to try to keep the peace. If he wants to fight and get attorneys involved I'm ready. I've been his doormat for long enough.

Our fight today was because I said I was ready to end it but didn't agree that I could remain friends. I was too hurt and angry. Well he didn't like that and declared war. It's ok he's making it easier for me to grieve the loss. I'm ready to move on. I just hope this feeling stays.

[DFE]

So I have officially accepted it's over. Wow did that take long. We've had a rocky road but the first time it happened he came back and said he was sorry and he would always say he was the happiest man alive. So blessed to have all he had. He of course doesn't remember any of that now.

I'm surprised at his hatred towards me. The things he says to me makes it clear there is no saving his marriage. Wow how people and relationships can change. Surprisingly I'm ok. Tired of the fight. Looking forward to the other side. It can't be worse than this side. Makes me wonder if he ever loved me and why he married me. It all changed after we got married. I'm sad but all I can do is move forward. Enough limbo.

Because of my fear of change and letting go I have been stuck in limbo. Maybe there is a plan for me. One foot in front of the other.

[Starsky309]

You will be okay, DFE. I know it's scary now, but I suspect that -- with some time -- you will be much HAPPIER, even.


Starsky