//How do I get the addict seperated from the drug?//
You don't. You remove yourself from her life until (and that may be never) she works through her own issues.
Of course that is easier said than done. Personally I failed miserably at it. But with hindsight being 20/20, here are some lessons that I learned the hard way:
1) Ask her to leave and find a new place to live until the affair is over. It is unreasonable to ask you to move out of your bed, or to live with a spouse who is engaged in an affair. If she is unwilling to leave or end the affair, then I would file for D immediately.
You will be told not to give ultimatums. I disagree. At some point, you have to draw a boundary and say "This is something I am not willing to accept". I wish I had the courage to say "I am not willing to live with you while you are engaged in an affair. If you are not willing to end the affair, or move out, then I need to begin the legal process required to enforce this boundary; that legal process is called divorce"
I cannot overstate how emotionally abusive it is to live with someone you love who is actively engaged in an affair. It will create lots of conflict that will counter most of the things you are trying to achieve with DB'ing. I don't recommend doing it.
You should never tolerate an affair, or live in an emotionally abusive environment in hopes that you can "wait it out".
2) Get away. While this is working itself out, I would make myself scarce. Just leave the house. Go for walks, hang out at the mall, get away from her. Of course, constructive GAL is better than wasting time, but I would do whatever you can to avoid contact with her.
3) Bite your tongue. There are so many things you want to say, and probably have the right to say. You probably have logical arguments for what is in her best interest and what you deserve as her husband. Explaining anything to her right now is a total waste of time. Save your energy and avoid the conflict that talking to her will cause.
This includes getting drawn into petty mind games about ring-wearing and other such distractions. Let her behave like a child and just walk away. Do not engage with her.
4) Start moving on. Actively begin thinking about what your future without her will be like. Where will you live? what will your budget look like? How will you spend your time? Start putting plans in place to transition into this new life. Specifically, I would consult a lawyer and start separating/protecting yourself financially.
One of the mistakes I made was to pay all the household bills. I established a precedence that forced me to continue paying all the bills throughout the whole divorce process. It is a minor thing, but make sure you have good legal council and are proactively making these kinds of decisions.
I really feel for you. I know exactly how hard what you are going through is. These are just my thoughts. Take them into consideration. listen to the advice of others. In the end, there are no right answers.
Above all - do not beat yourself up for making mistakes. We all make them. Moving on, doing 180's, detaching, keeping slient, etc... are incredibly difficult things to do. Just keep moving forward.
//How do I get the addict seperated from the drug?//
You don't. You remove yourself from her life until (and that may be never) she works through her own issues.
Of course that is easier said than done. Personally I failed miserably at it. But with hindsight being 20/20, here are some lessons that I learned the hard way:
1) Ask her to leave and find a new place to live until the affair is over. It is unreasonable to ask you to move out of your bed, or to live with a spouse who is engaged in an affair. If she is unwilling to leave or end the affair, then I would file for D immediately.
You will be told not to give ultimatums. I disagree. At some point, you have to draw a boundary and say "This is something I am not willing to accept". I wish I had the courage to say "I am not willing to live with you while you are engaged in an affair. If you are not willing to end the affair, or move out, then I need to begin the legal process required to enforce this boundary; that legal process is called divorce"
I cannot overstate how emotionally abusive it is to live with someone you love who is actively engaged in an affair. It will create lots of conflict that will counter most of the things you are trying to achieve with DB'ing. I don't recommend doing it.
You should never tolerate an affair, or live in an emotionally abusive environment in hopes that you can "wait it out".
2) Get away. While this is working itself out, I would make myself scarce. Just leave the house. Go for walks, hang out at the mall, get away from her. Of course, constructive GAL is better than wasting time, but I would do whatever you can to avoid contact with her.
3) Bite your tongue. There are so many things you want to say, and probably have the right to say. You probably have logical arguments for what is in her best interest and what you deserve as her husband. Explaining anything to her right now is a total waste of time. Save your energy and avoid the conflict that talking to her will cause.
This includes getting drawn into petty mind games about ring-wearing and other such distractions. Let her behave like a child and just walk away. Do not engage with her.
4) Start moving on. Actively begin thinking about what your future without her will be like. Where will you live? what will your budget look like? How will you spend your time? Start putting plans in place to transition into this new life. Specifically, I would consult a lawyer and start separating/protecting yourself financially.
One of the mistakes I made was to pay all the household bills. I established a precedence that forced me to continue paying all the bills throughout the whole divorce process. It is a minor thing, but make sure you have good legal council and are proactively making these kinds of decisions.
I really feel for you. I know exactly how hard what you are going through is. These are just my thoughts. Take them into consideration. listen to the advice of others. In the end, there are no right answers.
Above all - do not beat yourself up for making mistakes. We all make them. Moving on, doing 180's, detaching, keeping slient, etc... are incredibly difficult things to do. Just keep moving forward.
Thanks, M wifealready filed for Divorce. She filed on 2/13/14. I accidentally found the affair. I felt something was off for sometime and I just couldn't put my finger on it. I look back at a text from her in August that just past and she actually accused me that something was going on. I immediately reassured her nothing was, it makes me wonder if thats when this thing began. My brother has been staying with me for sometime and Iasked him if observed anything he said he does remember on the Fridays we didnt have our kids she seem to not be at home, but he just thought it was the weekend she was out shopping or something. I don;t know. I do know earlier today she did say she was loyal to me and I don't know half the story, I told her I'm her to listen. she stopped.
I just came home and she was a bit talkative to me, one minute flippingme off next minute talking to me. I need a break from all of this.
I told W that I was going to bed in our bed she got so pissed that she grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me off the bed, I got up and told her not to put her hands on me again that this behavior is unacceptable. she then began cursing me and so focused on how I found out about the A,I just told hr I'm sorry your feeling this way, I went into the spare bedroom, I'm not going to get into a physical confrontation with her. I went in the room and began reading on the board here.
W came into the the spare room I'm and asked If I needed my pillows, I said no thanks and thanks forasking. About 3 minutes pass and she comes into the room and takes the daily prayer book. I have been really focused on God since this Bomb was droppd, one of W complaints on how we fell away from God and she was right when we went to church and prayed together Our M was much better.
I remember telling W in the mist of today that this M can survive this and she said you will just throw it in my face, I reassured her that we would have to let it out and talk about it.
I have really listen to what she is saying when she spews her anger at me.
I believe she wants me to fight for this M, some how some way.
What I find ironic is my W has been lying to me and she denys the affair, but she pulls her FB down and OM pulls all his contact info off, when I told her I know about the A.
I get that pitted knotted feeling in my stomach.
My W best friend from childhood is a really big spirtual person and a big influene in my W life, should I let her know whats going on? It appears only my family knows about this. Not sue if W mother knows, I know her father doesn't.
I just feel real sad right now. Why do I still love her, why can't I shut it off! I've lost about 25lbs in little over a month. I have t o start working on me. I d know W said yesterday you sure seem ok being happy etc.. little does she know fake it till you make it.
//Why do I still love her, why can't I shut it off!//
Because it takes time for these feelings to go away. The death of your marriage will require you to go through a grieving process. It takes time. If someone's wife died, only a fool would tell him the next day to "just get past it and start living your life."
There are people on these boards who act like this is a simple decision you can make. It is not. What you can do, however, is accept the reality of your situation and start moving forward REGARDLESS of how you feel. The feelings will lag the action.
I think the decision to talk to your friend depends on the motivation. If the intent is to expose the affair as some kind of leverage to win back your wife, to shame her, or to spite her, then I would say absolutely not.
If counsel from your friend helps you move forward, or gives you peace then I would say to have the conversation. Just keep in mind, that the more people who know about the affair, the harder it will be for your wife to reconcile.
Personally, now that I am divorced, I am glad that the truth of our failed marriage is known. It helped protect my reputation and helped to keep the relationships that I had with my relatives strong. I also think it will make it harder for my W to re-write history as my kids get older.
Again, exposure makes reconciliation almost impossible. Since you clearly desire this, you may want to consider keeping these things private.
One last comment, when someone starts living a secret life and covering it up with lies, they do strange things. As they go further down this road, the lies compound and the person begins to change. At some point, you don't even recognize them anymore.
Watching someone transform in this way is scary. If I didn't see it for myself, I wouldn't believe it.
You really need to get away from her as she goes down this road. You don't want to be around to watch it. It will tear you up emotionally.
