husband wants to bring kids around ow

[twinmom]

Dr appointment this morning, he went with and I lost more weight..... not good! Now back into some non maternity clothes (26 weeks pregnant and only gained 13lbs, lost over 10 lbs in a month and I typically blow up like the marshmallow puff man during pregnancy)
He seemed concerned and the Dr kept telling me to avoid stress. Lol! I try to seem happy/act as if whenever he is around and I think he truly thought I had accepted/was fine with the idea of him being with ow.
I guess my question/concern is won't that just allow him to be with her without Abby consequences of the affair? He doesn't seem to be feeling any loss/consequences of his actions..... and I don't mean in "punishment" form but natural consequences and loss of the marriage.

[twinmom]

I second guess EVERY single thing I say to him! I hate this! I over analyze every text and rewrite a million times. I just keep telling him "this is a tuff situation for everyone involved, and I do not want a divorce" every time he tells me he is eventually going to file. (He has no set timeline yet to file so I don't lose insurance) I don't know how to avoid these conversations or handle them any better because right now I am just trying to buy myself some time so that the "new in love happiness" wears off with the ow because as of right now he is still head over heels in love with her and I have no chance in the world of competing with the new love feeling she gives him.

Any advice on making that feeling between them die sooner? Lol!

[twinmom]

WAY too much contact today. Need to back off to protect myself. Because I am an emotional wreck tonight...... husband came over this morning to take my older boys to school but I didn't realize he was coming so already had all but 1 kid in the car so just rode with him. Chatted about useless stuff on the way. Brought the twins home to a babysitter so he and I could go to a Dr appointment. Drove separate so we could go to work/errands after. Nice random conversations while in Dr office.
I had therapy appointment after prenatal appointment so I went to that. He called while I was still there(it ran way over) and I didn't answer. He then sent a text asking how it went. I called back an hour later and asked if he needed something as I saw he called but no voicemail. He said he just wanted to know how therapy went and I said good, left it at that.
About 30 min later I get a text saying he is going to leave work early tonight and come put the twins to bed and can he have the twins overnight tomorrow.... I respond that tonight isn't good (completing made that excuse up just too emotional to see him again) and yes he can have the twins tomorrow but in the future can we please plan these things more in advance as to be respectful of my time/plans
He called me then and we ended up getting into the same "this situation is hard on everyone, but I don't want as divorce" conversation.... ugh!
Less than an hour later he is texting me about a donation(I donate a LOT to charity) I wait about 45 min and respond
He then texts again this evening about one of the twins missing shoes. I was busy making dinner and responded after dinner.
Then right before bed I get another text asking about another charity donation and confirming that he will take my older boys to school. Waited almost two hours and then responded.

I never once initiated contact and it seemed like he did all day(but with a valid reason each time) so of course I start to over analyze and think he is showing interest when my brain keeps saying "detatch, detach"

Any advice on how to shut off my over analyzing brain that is getting me into emotional trouble?

[twinmom]

My husband has maintained from day one of bomb that he wants to divorce ad friends. I am not trying to figure out his intent but I am afraid we have entered the "friend zone"and this is exactly what he wants forever. He texts/calls while he is at work (never when he is at home with her) for random almost pointless things. Seems like almost an excuse to be in contact with me.
I am trying to figure out if what I am doing is working, yes it is bringing about interaction/niceness between the two of us but I don't want "friend zone" ultimately I want my marriage.
Is he "cake eating" with me as a friend and her as the woman in his life?

[Train]

twinmom,

I'm not comfortable dishing out advice.

But let me say: I know where you are. I've been there.

My H left me for another woman when I was 2 months pregnant in 2005. I felt so weak and vulnerable. It was TOUGH to "GAL" with a baby bump! I wanted my H to notice me - I wanted to do things that made him miss me - but nothing was working. I didn't feel desirable. Or sexy. I felt like a complete lump of maternal blubberishness. (I know that's not a word, but you know what I mean - ha.) I *wanted* at the time to be able to compete with OW and the needs she was meeting for my H. And he was hell-bent on being with her. And it dang near drove me insane.

But I was looking at it alllll wrong.

(Just a little background: H is the stepfather of my two older DDs, and they are the only children we had at the time. He essentially cut off communication with them, too. So that's a little different than your sitch, obviously. You guys have kids together already, so there's no such thing as a complete "no contact" in your case.)

But if I can offer you a suggestion, it would be:

As extraordinarily difficult as I KNOW it will be, back off of him - back out of the picture as much as possible - while he's living with OW. Think of it this way: Instead of fretting about whether you're in his "friend-zone," ask yourself: Right now, with the way H is outwardly carrying on an A with OW while you, his W, are PREGNANT ... is THAT really the kind of friend YOU want? Do you REALLY want to treat him like a friend right now??

I understand how hard it is to back up and out. Adding a pregnancy to the mix makes it even MORE difficult. And it seems counter-intuitive, if we want to save our Ms, to pull back and out of the picture.

But *nobody* looks at a doormat and finds it attractive. And if *I* can disrespect someone and they respond with nothing but sweet niceties, I know I don't find those people attractive, either.

Your H needs time to see and feel what he's missing. As long as you're always around, always willing to chat, always willing to respond to texts, then YES, I think that qualifies as you allowing him to "cake-eat." How can he start missing you if you're still always around?

It sounds to me you're doing awesome in taking time to respond to his texts, etc. But I have another idea for you to consider: You could tell him that you need some time and space to breathe and think about your future and the future of your children. Instead of texting you multiple times a day, you could recommend that he sends you one e-mail, at the end of every day (or every couple days), that includes all the questions he has about doctor's appointments, charitable donations, etc. And assure him that you will respond thoroughly and promptly, once your schedule allows.

You could suggest a firm visitation schedule with the kids so he's not contacting you, asking to have them on any random night.

You could do these things *for your OWN sanity* - and not to "win him back." This, it seems to me, might be a great "180" for you.

And here's something else: If you have told him you don't want a D, then he knows. You don't have to keep reminding him. So from now on, just use the mantra that Starsky provided - "this is difficult for all of us ..." and maybe add, "I will continue taking everything into consideration and will make the choices I feel are in the best interest of the kids and me."

You don't have to be mean, bitter or cold. But I *do* think you need to set some boundaries ... for YOU.

I know your heart is broken; I feel your pain, I really do. I know there are so many uncertainties in your sitch. I know how betrayed you feel, especially at such a vulnerable time in your life. And I know it's not easy to take care of yourself right now, even though that's the advice everyone is going to give you.

Just remember to look around and take inventory of everything in your life any time you begin to feel overwhelmed. Are your children alive and healthy? Do you have food in your refrigerator/pantry? Do you have a roof over your head? If you have all these things, then you have everything you need FOR TODAY.

Tryyyyy not to worry too much about tomorrow. It has enough worries of its own.

Just FYI, when I went completely dark with my H in 2005, and I gave him time to see what he would be missing, he eventually came back. It didn't take long. He DID, unfortunately, also have a pregnant OW. But that's a different talk-show.

Hang in there, mama. And know you have support here.

[twinmom]

Train, thank you. Your right I need to set more boundaries. I guess in the back off my mind I thought if I allowed him to come over any time after a while it would create a problem with the ow and he would see their relationship isn't all wonderful. But your right, it's doing more harm to me than it is ow and I have to stop that.

The twins had a SLIGHT cough when he brought them home Friday morning. He sent a text last night asking how their coughs were. I waited a little while and responded "ok" he then asked better, worse, same? To which I replied "same" and he replied :-(

This morning he sent a text asking "how are you and the twins" this is the first time since he moved out that he has specifically asked how I am. I waited a while and responded the twins were the same and my strep test was negative so just a deal with it kinda thing. He had no clue I wasn't feeling good. He it's on vacation with ow right now. He replied back why didn't I tell him I was sick.... I just replied "why would I" and kept asking when I started feeling sick so I replied to that and he said sorry your sick and glad it's not strep. I never responded.
And the contact continues..... here sent me a text saying he spent some $$ out off our joint account for new work shoes.. to which I don't plan on responding.

My 180's have been to build a better relationship with his mom. (One of the trais he says drove us apart)
To be emotionally stable/happy (he said he couldn't deal with my rollercoaster emotions)
To spend $$ on myself (this is something I never do)
I am also planning a weekend away by myself, but he doesn't know about that yet

[Train]

Yep. Sounds to me like he's cake-eating. (I'm just learning what that term means - ha.)

Maybe he wants to genuinely be friendly. And you'll get there one day. But if you're wanting to save your M, I don't think being friendly WHILE he's involved in an A is the way to go. I think that's a mixed-signal for you both.

Maybe he's placating himself by being nice, making him feel less guilty about leaving you pregnant. And if you're being all nice in return, he doesn't feel as guilty. (P.S. You WANT him to feel guilty.)

Or maybe he's genuinely having a hard time completely leaving you alone because, in the back of his mind, he still thinks about you and wonders if he'll ever want to return to the M.

In any scenario, I think you might want to consider protecting YOURSELF by providing a little distance between the two of you ... and sooner rather than later.

[twinmom]

Yep, your right.... when he brought the twins home Friday morning I wasn't here. I had fallen asleep at a friend's house but he didn't know that, he just saw me in the same clothes I had on/make up still kinda on from the day before. He got to the house before me (I was running late which I NEVER do) and he was unloading the dishwasher and reloading it. He then took the garbage out and since it was garbage day took the cans to the street. He ended up being late for work.
He never asked where I had been or who I was with and it really didn't seem to bother him. I am going to put some major distance between the two of us and see what happens.

[Train]

Keep us posted; I'll check in!

[twinmom]

Ok so I have done a lot of thinking and realize that H said he couldn't take my rollercoaster emotions. I have realized that when I was having an "off" day at first H would pay extra attention to me and make me feel better. Then slowly he didn't pay as much attention so I guess I would "pout" more and make just an off day look like the end of the world. I have come to realize that this negative way is the way I sought attention on a regular basis from H.

I have done a 180 and do not do this at all anymore. But since he is living happy family life with her I don't think he notices much. He isn't here in the evening to know what kind of day I have had and yesterday morning was the first time in 3 weeks he asked how I was doing. (Via text)

Do I write him a letter telling him how sorry I am for playing this "game" for attention instead of just telling him I needed his attention more? Or do I just keep it to myself and keep consistent with my 180.(which I will keep consistent with that no matter what)