Upwards - DB myself to happiness!

[Upwards]

Previous thread: "When To Give Up?"

Thought I'd do a new thread as the title of my other is very negative - I hadn't realised at the time that I needed to "let go" of my H and marriage in order to move forwards and not just give up completely.

Since "letting go" of him and our marriage & telling him I've set him free I've seen such a difference it's been amazing! He wants to talk, he wants to connect, he slowly seems to be questioning his decision to walk away and has begun moving forwards emotionally himself which has meant he's feeling the pain of his decisions and then challenging them too. His attitude towards me has taken a huge shift too - this morning we did something as a family (his suggestion) and he's said several times that he "really enjoyed it" and he feels "free" and "less pressure" which confirms that my DB'ing is having a positive effect!

Just wanted to share, will continue to update

[melissag]

Love the new thread title, and the update! DBing really does work!

Just be sure that you continue to remain patient. Most of us get excited when we see progress and then are disappointed when it's not followed up immediately with more progress. When you see progress, that means you are doing great with DBing and need to keep it up.

Hope your sitch keeps getting better!

[Upwards]

Love the new thread title, and the update! DBing really does work!

Just be sure that you continue to remain patient. Most of us get excited when we see progress and then are disappointed when it's not followed up immediately with more progress. When you see progress, that means you are doing great with DBing and need to keep it up.

Hope your sitch keeps getting better!

Thank you Melissa.

Yeh in the past when I've seen positive steps (not as positive as recently!) I've then pushed H & asked if his feeling were changing etc & pushed him away again and ended up back at the start... Lesson learnt!! I know I just need to take his lead really & listen instead of asking questions.

Good day, need to work on my patience as I'm terrible for wanting results NOW! Haha.

[AnotherStander]

Sounds like things are going well Upwards Just try to keep in mind that he is on a long journey and there will be good days and bad days. It's not a linear path. Celebrate the good days and try not to let the bad days move you off your DB'ing path. Don't have any expectations, just take it a day at a time!

[Upwards]

Thanks AnotherStander - Yes defo moving in a more preferable direction, need to make sure I don't get impatient & backslide.

We have a "talk" arranged tonight to discuss some financial things & other practicals plus to see how we move forward from here - it was originally to sign D papers as I thought that's what I wanted but I've decided to delay unless it's what he wants... Eeeek nervous!

[Upwards]

Urgent question pls...

Tonight when I talk to H, we are both going to talk about how we ended up here and our options for the future - do I tell him I would want him to cut contact with OW (they had EA then one night stand) or leave this until later on if he's ready to work on marriage?

My gut is telling me not to mention her as I don't want to push him away
but I'm unsure?

[ye21]

Upwards he is the one who has to choose that, he is the one who has to choose to stop contacting her.... You cant choose or force him to choose that, you go talk to him and just listen to what he says, and you stfu lol that sounds so rude but well its what is recomended, he has to realize why he got to this point, you have been working in realizing why you got to this point, you cleaned your side of the street and he is the one who has to clean his side of the street, you dont need to finalize an agreement tonight.... It took time to reach this point so it will take time to get fixed... Its not like he comes and say hey honey everything its fine lets get back together....
Its much more of listening of his beliefs and see where he comes from....

I am meeting my W today at 3pm and she is in a super rage against me, this is what I see:
When we were together she would not communicate ever with me what was going on, ahe would just explode in rages.... I wish she would listen to me but her part of the job its to realize that if she is angry I am not able to talk to her so if she doesnt want to communicate in a civil way by me telling her calm down and listen I am just feeding her anger...my 180 its to go to take care of the business we are gonna take care off and let her feel however she wants to feel...

Read this and see what I am saying:

Empowering

You can think. You can feel. You can solve your problems. You can take care of yourself.
Those words have often benefited me more than the most profound and elaborate advice.

How easy it is to fall into the trap of doubting others and ourselves.

When someone tells us about a problem, what is our reaction? Do we believe we need to solve it for the person? Do we believe that that person's future rests on our ability to advise him or her? That's standing on shaky ground - not the stuff of which recovery is made.

When someone is struggling through a feeling, or a morass of feelings, what is our reaction? That the person will never survive that experience? That it's not okay for someone to feel? That he or she will never get through this intact?

When a person is faced with the task of assuming responsibility for their life and behaviors, what is our response? That the person can't do that? I must do it myself to save him or her from dissipating into ashes? From crumbling? From failing?

What is our reaction to ourselves when we encounter a problem, a feeling, or when we face the prospect of assuming responsibility for ourselves?

Do we believe in others and ourselves? Do we give power to people - including ourselves - and their abilities? Or do we give the power to the problem, the feeling, or the irresponsibility?

We can learn to check ourselves out. We can learn to think, and consider our response, before we respond. "I'm sorry you're having that problem. I know you can figure out a solution. Sounds like you've got some feelings going on. I know you'll work through them and come out on the other side."

Each of us is responsible for ourselves. That does not mean we don't care. It does not mean a cold, calculated withdrawal of our support from others. It means we learn to love and support people in ways that work. It means we learn to love and support ourselves in ways that work. It means that we connect with friends who love and support us in ways that work.

To believe in people, to believe in each persons inherent ability to think, feel, solve problems, and take care of themselves is a great gift we can give and receive from others.

Today, I will strive to give and receive support that is pure and empowering. I will work at believing in myself and others - and our mutual abilities to be competent at dealing with feelings, solving problems, and taking responsibility for ourselves.

[Upwards]

Thanks ye21 for the advice


Update on this evening....

It went as well as it could have really, we talked a lot about how we ended up here and both took responsibility for our own part in things. We talked through our many options and both decided that D isnt the option right now as neither of us think its what we want. I did lots of listening and allowing H to express how he felt and why, when I didn't agree I voiced that but ensured he knew I respected his feelings/decisions.

He said he wants to feel that love for me again but its not there at the moment however his resentments towards me have near enough gone and his respect for me is growing all the time(this definitely shows in his attitude and behavior towards me), he said he likes "who i'm becoming" which shows that DB is defo getting his attention!! We both agreed that we need to work on ourselves and resolve our own issues before we even consider working on our relationship.

He said to want to try at our relationship he'd have to feel love for me, I challenged that and said that it was very unlikely to happen that way unless we had some positive experiences together and it was given the opportunity, he thought for a while then asked could be try and be friends and see what happened... I said that I'd like to do that although I am unwilling to do that whilst he's still in contact with this other girl and that is a firm boundary that i'm unwilling to move on.

I made clear that I plan to continue moving myself forward and finding myself again and that I was going to build a life for me and the kids, I said that although I wanted to work on building a new relationship with him I wasnt going to hang around waiting and that its up to him what he chooses to do with his life.

He can only talk for so long then it all gets too much which happened before we'd finished really. As he left he hugged me and kissed my neck then looked into my eyes and said that he truly wants me to be happy, he said he's going to think about what we've talked about and so should I then we can come back together so we can discuss where to go from here. He said that he's got some decisions to make and that he needs to be strong and do "what he knows is right" which I think related to OW but I'm not sure.

I *think* it went well, he was certainly very open/honest and seems to be moving forwards emotionally now where as before he was at a complete stand still.

What do you guys think? I'm proud of my DB'ing in the past few weeks it really seems to be paying off for ME and slowly in my relationship with H.

[Mimi00]

Sounds like it was a productive discussion. I hope your H decides that working towards the marriage is what is "right". Keep being an awesome mom as well as good to your self, as you know, it will pay off no matter what.

[gogofo]

Sounds like a productive talk to me. I have the same talk lined up for Thursday and I have it goes in the same direction as yours did. Reading your update gives me hope for your situation as well as mine.

Keep DBing and working on yourself and your family.