Thanks BF, you are so right that Job has given some really great info. I have read and printed anything and everything I can get my hands on about MLC since BD and have filled a 3 inch binder with articles, etc. that I found online. Between the great info and advice I see on this site and the reference material I have found that I re-read all the time, these are the things that help me through this. It reminds me that I am not alone and that this is not my fault. It helps to keep me empathetic toward H, especially when I just want to throttle him!!!
I don't have a very big family since both of my parents are gone. My brother and his family live in Texas and my sister and her family live in Washington state. And you are so right BF, family does mean a lot during this painful time, even if we are so spread apart! I have a few cousins here in Virginia, but we're not that close. Thank God I have some really great friends who are my extended family!! They have been such a blessing to me!!
I try to stay quiet and live my own life while I continue to stand. I only reach out to him when I really need something (which is very rare these days) or when it's a holiday or his birthday by wishing him a happy whatever. I guess I do that just to keep my foot in the door. I don't know if I should be doing that or not, but I feel like I should let him know that I still care and I'm still here. I don't know if that makes things worse or if it helps chip away the distance between us.
Everyone have a great day! I think I'll go bench press a Buick before heading to work this morning!!!
~vows4ever M 46 / H 49 T 23 yrs. / M 16 yrs. BD 3/2013 H moved out 3/2013
Well, it's been a while since I've posted on here. I survived the holidays and actually enjoyed my time with my brother and his family. The down side of my trip was that I caught a cold or upper respiratory infection and I can't seem to get rid of it.
H did take care of the pets while I was gone so I'm grateful for that. As a thank you, I did bring a T-shirt back for him and left it on the dining room table with a note thanking him for taking care of things while I was gone. He took the shirt and note, but never said thanks or even acknowledge receiving it.
It's coming up on the 1 year anniversary since BD. I have to admit that I have had several days lately where I feel like I'm losing patience with the whole process. I just get so tired of feeling like I don't exist and I'm tired of dealing with only text messages because he can't deal with having an adult conversation. I catch myself wondering if he will ever work his way thru this and if so, will I still be here? Then I start playing the "what if" game until I've worked myself into a minor panic attack as I feel everything is so out of control and I have no control on the outcome. I hate feeling I have no control over any of this.
But then I have to remember that I do have a choice and I can control my reactions to all of this. I did not choose this path, but I do choose to stay on this path and see where it takes me. I know that I love my H and I choose to believe that somewhere deep down he loves me as well. And for now, that is enough to help me continue hoping for the best outcome while I continue to use this time to GAL and be the best me I can be!
Well, I've been practicing my bench pressing a Buick so much lately that I've moved up to bench pressing a school bus now!! Lol
~vows4ever M 46 / H 49 T 23 yrs. / M 16 yrs. BD 3/2013 H moved out 3/2013
At least your H took a note. My H was in the house painting doors (unfinished business) a few months after BD. I left him a note thanking him for taking care of it, and he thrown it in the garbage. Throughout the last year I was forwarding him his mail and doing things for our business, and I rarely got thanks for that. Actually he never said thanks for the mail.
He also was communicating mostly via text and e-mail.
He started to be a lot nicer recently. He started be more elaborate and polite in his e-mails, thanking me more for stuff I do for him. He also started calling me more often instead of e-mailing.
So, hang in there. It could also change with your H. You just never know. Oh, and I’ve learnt not to try to control the outcome. Yes, you can control your reactions. Keep moving forward.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
It's been almost a year since I found out about the OW and then BD. I feel like we are farther apart then ever. H won't talk to me, avoids seeing me at all cost and now his texts are becoming so few and far between. I have no idea if there is an OW anymore or what he is doing these days. He still lives with his mother, 6 months after his motorcycle accident. He's back to work at full duty, so he's not living there because of any lingering medical issues. And as I've said before, it is not a good thing that he's still there because she is so controlling (which is what he accused me of being after BD).
I've worked hard to work through my own depression issues with IC and the right meds over this past year. I feel I have been successfully GAL and doing things for myself instead of moping or worring about what H is doing. My friend and I have been getting hormone replacement treatments and I must say that I am feeling like my much younger self! I have more energy now, I feel more interested in life and my sex drive is back!! While I was depressed over the last few years, I had absolutely NO interest in sex. I felt empty inside and was barely functioning from one day to the next. At the time, I thought I was in control of my life, but looking back now I can see that I was simply going through the motions and not really living. Now, I am beginning to live again, looking forward to the future, enjoying everyday life - that is until lately. Lately, I have been feeling anxious, lonely and losing hope that my M will survive.
I really thought that my H was in MLC because he seemed to be following the same script I've seen so many on here discuss. But other than a somewhat controlling mother, I don't know of any unresolved childhood issues that could be a trigger for his MLC. I do think he suffers from some PTSD issues - some from his work (he's in law enforcement), some from being in the fire department, and from when we found my mother and he tried to perform CPR to save her. I think he has felt so much guilt that he couldn't save her and that he let me down. He was also under so much pressure at work right before BD as well. He was up for a big promotion and was also involved in a few volunteer organizations that demanded a lot of work and commitment from him. Maybe he cracked under the pressure and fell into the MLC?????? Or did he fall out of love with me while I was in my depression fog and I've been fooling myself thinking he was in MLC?? I just don't know anymore.
I don't know if I'm just feeling this way because it's coming up on the anniversary of BD or if it really is over... How do you tell the difference?? If he is in MLC, why has he pulled so far away from me, us, the M?? If he is in MLC, will he be able to forgive himself for the things he has done and said, or will they only prolong his journey?
Sorry for the rambling and the pity party tonight. I guess I need some reassuring that I will survive this. Any advice or suggestions are welcome!!!
~vows4ever M 46 / H 49 T 23 yrs. / M 16 yrs. BD 3/2013 H moved out 3/2013
Vows, I read your post and think to myself this will be me in a year. Mine just left a few weeks ago and BD was in Jan so I am so in the early stages. From what I understand, they do this when in MLC, it takes years. Literally years and they DO distance themselves and act this way. That's why it is so important to GAL which it sounds like you're doing. You WILL survive, look how far you've come already! Don't second guess yourself, none of this is your fault. Sometimes it helps to re-read all the MLC resources. That totally confirmed for me that my H was in MLC and that his weird behavior is what he's going through and there's nothing I can do to fix it. There is a whole withdrawal stage that perhaps your H is in. There is no real time frame so all you can do is leave him alone until he comes to you. Unfortunately we don't know if that will ever happen - really messes with your mind for sure. I keep thinking how can my H just throw away this entire relationship, I didn't even get a hug good bye, I got a see ya later. When? when you come out of the tunnel? It's hard not to have a pity party once in awhile. I think about how long this is going to take and I wonder if I can make it. Of course I can, what choice do I have - it's all part of living so I will GAL and IF he decides to contact me in the future, I'll deal with it then. If he doesn't, well I'll be ok because i'll have new things I'm doing with my life. I'm sorry you're going through this too and I'm sorry it takes so darn long. It's not your fault. Take it one day at a time. Keep posting!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
vow, I'm sorry you are having a difficult time..but, if he's in MLC, it takes years (5-7 or longer)for them to see the light of day. I know that a year sounds like a long time, but in mlc time...it's a blip on the radar screen for them. Replay can take a long time and it continues until they begin to face their childhood issues and work on them.
The issues from childhood may not be something you are privy to because he was a child and he may not remember them until something happened to "trigger" his re-evaluation of his life. You've mentioned a few triggers that may have started his journey.
I suggest that you read up on MLC and if you've not read the "Welcome" posting that Cadet usually puts out for newbies, I'll be happy to locate a copy and post it here. If he is in mlc, he's following the normal path and it's a very long journey. Your journey began the day of the BD and now you need to keep your focus on you and what you need to do to survive. Dig out that list of hobbies and projects that you've put aside and start working on them. It's time to start working on you and getting you to a better place.
We use the same techniques for both MLC and Walkaways, i.e., give them plenty of space, only contact them in emergencies, listen to what they say and learn to sift through what they are saying for they do tell on themselves...but most importantly...focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi TL! Thanks for stopping by and for the encouragement! It has been a while since I've had a melt down, so things seemed to sneak up on me this time! I KNOW this is not my fault - at least not all my fault. I did have my own issues that did affect our R, but I've faced them and worked through them and now I'm in a much better place emotionally for having done so.
I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I am glad you did find this group. I don't post very often, but I do get on here all the time and read the other sitches. There are some awesome folks on here with great advice and insight. And I do read and re-read the articles and books I have collected since BD. They do validate that this is his journey and I can't help him fix it. I think I was just feeling lonely, having a panic attack and started my pity party!! You know, before this happened to me I never realized just how "real" and destructive this MLC stuff really was! I always thought MLC was the old man in a bright red convertible with a much younger woman trying to act and look much younger than he really is. I guess I really thought it was all just an excuse or a joke - boy was I wrong on so many levels!!!
Job, once again I appreciate you checking in and helping me hold it together! Intellectually, I know it could take years to complete this journey, but sometimes my heart needs some reassuring - well, maybe a LOT of reassuring!!!! I really think his crisis began 1 1/2 to 2 years before BD. I saw some changes in him during that period of time that I didn't think of as signs of a crisis, but looking back on it now I really think the signs were all there. He started exercising more, dressing younger, listening to younger music and he seemed restless and would get angry over the smallest things. These didn't happen all at one time but rather gradually so I missed the signs. I read somewhere that their journey begins quite a while before BD but I don't know whether the 5 - 7 years (or longer) includes this time or is in addition to this time. I guess it is a case by case situation. Either way, I know I have a long journey ahead myself and I guess I just wanted or needed some reassurance!
One of the few times I was actually able to speak to H, just before Christmas, I asked him to meet with me. I was going to Texas to spend Christmas with my brother and his family and I wanted to go over a few things with him. He didn't want to meet with me at the house, but offered to meet me at McDonald's. When I asked him why he couldn't or didn't want to talk to me, all he could say was (after a long pause) "...I don't know...". That was the first thing he's said to me that I truly believe was the complete truth in a long time. He still hasn't faced me or really spoken to me since. He will only text and even that has become so rare.
I've rambled enough tonight. Thanks again so much TL and Job for your encouragement and support!! This is exactly why I love this group!!!!
~vows4ever M 46 / H 49 T 23 yrs. / M 16 yrs. BD 3/2013 H moved out 3/2013
Vows, I remember having the same feelings at about the same time, 1 year after the BD. Sometimes H didn’t contact me for long periods of time. The only thing that we communicated about was the business. It felt like he was avoiding me too, and there was no OW.
Like job said, this takes a long time. Let your H continue on his journey and take care of youself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I last posted, but I have been reading everyday and living my life one day at a time. For the most part, there hasn't been much change in my sitch...until recently. H is back in the hospital for the 3rd time since BD. Each time it seems to be worse. This time, his blood sugar was over 800. He passed out at his mothers and she found him last Tuesday morning unconscious with no idea how long he had been there. And when he fell, he broke his shoulder. While at the hospital, he had a seizure and was medically sedated to prevent another seizure. The doctor told him and his family that he was very lucky because by all rights, he should not be alive right now. And if he doesn't start taking care of himself and something like this happens again, he will not survive it.
I am so stressed out and worried about him. He seems to be on a self-destructive mission lately. I know that I didn't break him and I can't fix him - at least I keep telling myself this. But something's got to change. I can't just stand by and watch him die. I couldn't live with myself if that happened.
I haven't been to the hospital to see him. I don't want to make things worse. But it is taking every ounce of strength I have to stay away. I cry myself to sleep every night - unless I finally give in and take a sleeping pill.
How do I keep doing this? How much farther is he going to take this? Should I go to the hospital to see him? Would this make things worse for him and make him feel pressured and resent me even more (if that's possible) or would he appreciate the visit and realize that I still care? I just don't know what to do anymore. HELP!!!!!!
~vows4ever M 46 / H 49 T 23 yrs. / M 16 yrs. BD 3/2013 H moved out 3/2013
