So yes, I have made a FT appointment on Thursday. I have met with a lawyer, who has been giving me guidance in what to do to keep my kids, as well as my finances. They have also been advising me as we go down this road with respect to staying in the family house, and the ramifications of her leaving. I have taken over mortgage payments etc as per her recommendations.
Our activity schedule is going to be developed on Thursday. I worry about the kids safety on their own with their mom. I have not decided how to approach this. It is very difficult, as my kids emotional health and physical health is key as well.
I don't think I have gone soft. I agree with you, it's a matter of not reacting with emotion, and dictating based on my plan. Totally agree, poor emotion based decisions and non rational person equals fire for sure.
Slow, steady, and smart is the way to go. I need to slow down and be smart with my interactions and decisions. Gut wrenching and scary times for sure.
When I got home, I told her she could go, I was good. I said this because I didn't want her to think I need her. She got very offended, and told me I was giving her mixed messages, not thanking her for making dinner etc, but then telling her to leave. Talk about reinforcing how I need to send a consistent message.
This one's easy, Dev -- treat her as you would a neighbor that you've decided to let room at your place. Would you say "thank you" to such a person if they made you dinner? OF COURSE YOU WOULD! Be civil, even polite. Just don't act like her HUSBAND right now (she has fired you from that role for the time being), or her BFF.
So yes, I have made a FT appointment on Thursday. I have met with a lawyer, who has been giving me guidance in what to do to keep my kids, as well as my finances. They have also been advising me as we go down this road with respect to staying in the family house, and the ramifications of her leaving. I have taken over mortgage payments etc as per her recommendations.
Our activity schedule is going to be developed on Thursday.
Our activity schedule is going to be developed on Thursday. I worry about the kids safety on their own with their mom. I have not decided how to approach this. It is very difficult, as my kids emotional health and physical health is key as well.
Considering your wife's recent (and past) emotional instability, I worry about this as well. It's why I wish you had called 911 when she threatened to cut herself. If it were me, I would make legal moves to push for supervised-only visitation, but THAT'S JUST ME. You may have to just monitor the situation very closely to make sure your kids are being properly cared for. They DO make these things like voice-activated recorders and nanny-cams, y'know. Just sayin'.
If you are working when W comes to cook dinner for the kids, does the nanny ever stay while she's there? I was just thinking it would be another adult around.
You will discuss this concern with the FT, right?
I'm relieved to hear you have accomplished these things.
Don't be surprised if she tries to cancel the last minute on FT.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I currently have the nanny there with her at night, because of the concerns we have all noted. Having the access at my house allows a bit of safety and control over anything else happening, particularly if the nanny is there also
I have purchased a Dropbox camera, and I will look for a voice activated recorder. .
Feel like I am making slow safe and steady progress. Now to distract myself while I know she is going to see OM tonight .....
Thanks again Sandi2 and Starsky. Always much appreciated is your expertise (that was my yoda voice).
So just to confirm, tomorrow when I see her at my daughters soccer wind up dinner, I should treat her as a friendly neighbour? Even though inside I am devastated that she went to see OM. I will not of course bring any of that up, just difficult to wrap my head around this detachment as being a positive thing, but I know it is. I can put on my happy face anyways, as tonight has been much harder to stomach. My kids keep me distracted and happy, they are my angels
She also sent me a text while she was there. I was torn if I should respond, but I feel it didn't warrant a response, as A) I didn't want to talk to her and B) I felt she was trying to check in with me. I worry a bit that she will feel " see, I text him, and he doesn't respond, he never cared about me". This is opposed to the message that I am trying to send that I do not accept or approve of her A.
I'm unsure where to draw my line still, as I do want to talk to her, but I know any conversation I would have got into tonight probably would have not gone well. As well, I would have felt worse if I responded and then heard nothing back.
Ah, sometimes the frustration of this sitch can be overwhelming. I cannot control it, only me. So hard to implement what I want to do, but I'm trying
Your ideas and concern over what your W may feel or think are logical, however, she no longer thinks with the same frame of mind that she once did. She has entered another zone altogether.
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just difficult to wrap my head around this detachment as being a positive thing, but I know it is. I can put on my happy face anyways, as tonight has been much harder to stomach.
It works in a very positive way. The detachment has a couple of purposes. One, it helps the LBH to stop putting all his focus on the stitch and start focusing on getting better, GAL, etc. Second, when he steps back, it takes pressure off her. It may not stop her A or fix their problems, but I would say it is the first step in that direction.
One word about putting on your happy face. Until you can actually feel it from your heart, just practice looking as if you are please with yourself. You are "happy-giddy" over seeing her. The whole PMA is so that "you" start getting stronger and happier with your life with or without her in it. And, if you can do it right....she will notice, but the point is to do it for yourself and not her.
Here's what a lot of guys don't understand about the heart of a WAW in an A. Once, it would have thrilled her to see your face light up when you saw her. But now, if you act like some love-sick pup, or you get all giddy when she gets around you....it will turn her off like you wouldn't believe! This is not the girl you married!
"If you were doing it for her (and I'm not saying to do that, but I know some of you do), then I would use the old expression we used back in my dating years and say play hard to get. Believe it or not, that will work better with a WAW than almost anything you could do.
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She also sent me a text while she was there. I was torn if I should respond, but I feel it didn't warrant a response, as A) I didn't want to talk to her and B) I felt she was trying to check in with me. I worry a bit that she will feel " see, I text him, and he doesn't respond, he never cared about me".
Do not respond if she doesn't ask a direct question, or if it's about the kids, house, etc. Even though she's in an A, some WAW's still want to keep tabs on the H, b/c somemost all of them want to eat cake.
The later part--" see, I text him, and he doesn't respond, he never cared about me"--applies to what I said above. She may even say that out loud, but it will be to justify what she's doing....not b/c she is wanting you to show how much you care. She is not in that zone now.
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I'm unsure where to draw my line still, as I do want to talk to her, but I know any conversation I would have got into tonight probably would have not gone well.
I would suggest not trying to have a conversation at games and other public events. You don't have to ignore her or act mad/cold, etc. But that's not the time or place for a couple on the brink of D to even try to have a conversation past a few words about the game or weather. Don't try to sit with her or act like you are still a "couple". Let her "feel" her decisions.
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As well, I would have felt worse if I responded and then heard nothing back.
Oh, did you mean a conversation by texting? Well, here's the thing, don't set yourself up for disappointment by having expectations of her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When she texts you, DO respond -- just not right away (assuming it's not urgent/about your kids). In an hour or two, just reply with something "sorry, busy day -- just saw this. ____________ (then respond to whatever was asked)."
As for how to be around her, if she was just IMMEDIATELY with OM, you don't want to send a vibe like that's perfectly ok. You want to send a vibe that your upbeat-ness and cheerfulness is that you're upbeat about YOURSELF, and that while you never would have wished these recent events upon yourself, you are learning to grow as a man and you're becoming more content with who you are.
I know, that's tough to pull off.
In both instances, try to plow the fertile middle row. No more passive-aggressive, wild swings between "neediness/pursuit" and "anger/scorn." RESOLVE. CONTENTMENT. PERSONAL GROWTH. And a little MYSTIQUE. That's the vibe you want to give off.
Time to get your mojo back, Dev. What "guy" things are you doing for YOU these days??? Any old passions (music, sports, hobbies, volunteer work, etc.?) you gave up that you've always thought about re-pursuing??
