Need help saving my family - part 5

[Scorp7]

Time for a new thread:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

[Scorp7]

Here is what I have to send to my W (I may add in the bit about coming to see my kids on Thursday instead of Friday so that I can spend the afternoon with my D4 at her pre school):

Hi W, thanks for getting back to me. I appreciate your desire to sell our home so that you can purchase a new one for yourself. I do not want to stand in the way of that. I do however also need to plan my future which will include having the kids with me half of the time.

My main concern is that our children be allowed to spend time with each one of us in an equitable fashion. I would really like to hear your thoughts on my most recent communications regarding the proposed schedule for the children. What do you need from me for you to agree to sharing time and custody of our kids 50/50?

It has already been over a week since I've seen them and I am very much looking forward to seeing them again. I will be at D6's school to pick her up on Friday. D6 also has told me she needs new rubber boots so I will buy those for her and bring them this weekend.

Can you please let me know your thoughts on this schedule by the end of this week?

[3boymom]

I still think your email is to nice. I know that you are hopeful that if you ask the right way your W will see the errors of her ways. For months I thought that I could do the same thing and that if I figured out the perfect thing to say my H would wake up, apologize and return home. It did not work and only made things worse. If you want to get her attention, you are going to need to not do the exact same thing you have been doing this entire time.

You continue to add on unnecsssary information that distracts from what you want. Why are you writing about the boots? Just go buy some and bring them with you. If your W objects then you will have a pair of boots at your place. It is not like you are buying a car and need your W's approval.

If you include unnecessary info, your W will ignore the important things you said and focus on this unnecessary stuff.

Also, you ask for a response by the end of the week which makes no sense if you plan of seeing the kids on Friday. You will need to confirm plans prior to the end of the week.

You ask your W her thoughts on 50/50 custody. Don't you already know her thoughts. To me it is pretty clear that her answer is no.

The vets will probably have better advice but I would be to the point and very clear that you intend to seek 50/50 custody and would prefer to reach an agreement amicably but that you are not going to simply concede to her demands. Your email makes it sound like you are a child asking for permission from a parent to do something.

[Drew]

Firm, direct, to the point.

Rinse, repeat.

[Scorp7]

I am trying to still follow the DB concepts, one is to validate what the WAS is feeling, even if I don't agree. She wants money to buy a house for herself and our kids. I think that's a great idea actually. Living with her parents is not good for our kids.

Also, one of my 180's was to give up control of the sitch. I had been a big time controller before so learning to let go is a big thing I think.

The added info (buying boots) is in there so we can try to co-parent. Money is an issue for both of us right now so there's no point in us buying two of everything. I agree though, keeping it direct and to the point is a better way to go.

The response I'm asking for is in regard to the 50/50 custody. I'm telling my W that I'm coming on Friday (or Thursday if I can arrange to spend the afternoon with my D4).

I could very well be wrong with my approach. I agree about the idea of "stop going down cheese less tunnels" so perhaps I could be less friendly. If and when the lawyer has to come in to the sitch I had thought it would still be best to keep a "good cop - bad cop" deal where I would still be friendly and leave the cold, nasty responses to come from my lawyer.

[Scorp7]

Thanks gabbysmom. What the current sitch boils down to is that I want 50/50 with our kids, my W wants to maintain status quo with our kids and get her hands on our money so she can "move on". If we can't agree on either then our sitch could take years to be decided.

She can't get money from me unless I agree to go along with her wishes and I can't get 50/50 with our kids unless she agrees. That is, without lawyers and a long court battle.

I am almost sure she will not agree to my request for 50/50 right now but I will give it one more shot. If she doesn't acknowledge me and continues as she has then things are going to get much worse. Maybe it's a case of things needing to be worse before they can get better, we'll see.

[Barrybran]

The point the others are trying to make though, and have done so for at least the entire last thread, is that you are more concerned with everyone getting what they want than worrying about what you want. What that boils down to is allowing your wife to call the shots and you being a doormat. It's honourable to try and work the situation so everyone gets what they want, I do it too much myself, but at some point you need to forget about what your wife wants or thinks is fair and set about getting what you want and think is fair. You have the right motivation as far as your kids are concerned but you appear to be too concerned about what your wife thinks.

"W,

I understand that you would like to settle the house quickly. Our kids are our first priority and I would like to develop a parenting plan with you as soon as possible so the kids are able to spend equal time with us. Please let me know what you need from me in order to make this happen.

Scorp"

[Scorp7]

Thanks Barrybran, I like your suggestion. Since my W and I have so little communication it's hard not to be wordy with my messages. There is a lot we should be talking about. But, being direct and to the point likely is the only way to go from here on out, unless by some miracle my W lightens up a bit.

[Barrybran]

I get what you're saying. I'm extremely wordy too and it takes time getting used to talking to your wife in "business mode" or "friend mode" instead of "spouse mode". Just keep in mind that my example is the kind of length and detail Wonka has been pointing to. ie. to the point and business-like. You wouldn't waffle on to a client so think of a situation where you've had to pass on and/or gather information and apply that to how you communicate to your wife via email/text.

[Scorp7]

Thanks gabbysmom, I have a lawyer and will likely put her into action soon.