Sad times

[MamaB]

Thank you for your reply labug, I have been thinking about what you wrote, and how I feel. I do completly agree that I wanted to change my Hs POV. I remember reading on someone else's thread that our WAS POV is as real them as ours is to us. I can't change what is happening, and I can't change the speed with which it is happening, I can only change how I react to what is happening.

I'm still on my own emotional rollercoaster, and can run the gamut of different feelings on a daily basis. Because this is going so quickly, I'm overwhelmed with the decisions I have to make now. I have not communicated with my H in almost two weeks, he will be home over the weekend and I just can't imagine how I will interact with him. I need to figure it out.

[Scorp7]

MamaB, I can totally relate to your feeling like you're on an emotional roller coaster. My WAW left me nearly 5 months ago and took our three young kids when she left and I am still on a roller coaster daily, sometimes hourly. Doing things as simple as going to the grocery store are painful. I had been doing all the shopping for our family before my W took then away. Now I'm only shopping for myself the majority of the time.

I'm learning to let go of the past as well as my idealized view of the future and just concentrate on right now. Right now I may be faced with fighting for equal time with my kids and taking care of myself. That's about all I can do and I expect it's pretty common for the LBS. I'm making myself the best person I can be, someone any spouse would be crazy to leave. No matter what happens, I'll be a better Dad and a better person.

I agree, your H's POV is very real to him, no matter how crazy it might seem to you. I have spent far too much time trying to figure out why my W is continuing to do what she's doing and I may never totally understand her POV. It perhaps seems counter intuitive but working on yourself and changing the ways you interact with you H have a lot better chance of changing his POV than the seemingly direct approach of trying to change his mind, lecturing him that his decisions are wrong etc.

[MamaB]

Yes Scorp, I'm finding the simple things can bring on a big wave of sadness. I still am in a state of denial I suppose. Weird that in a few weeks I will be a single mother of three plus dog.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in the position of fighting for equal time with your kids, that must be incredibly frustrating for you to not be a part of their everyday lives. I'm in the opposite poistion, where my H is moving to another state.

I do feel like I need to really take advantage of this chance to GAL and to be the best possible version of myself. I want to be happy and to be the best example of a strong, loving Mom that I can be to my girls. I'm still trying to figure out the steps to get there.

I wish none of us were here, but I'm grateful too.

[MamaB]

H came home last weekend, he left yesterday. It was the first time we really talked (face to face) since BD.

We talked about how to proceed with the divorce, mostly about finances. H really wants me to move, he offered more spousal support if I move vs. if I stay in Texas. I was pretty upset by this and told him it was blackmail. He does not see it the same way of course. I'm not going to move until after my oldest graduates from high school next year, after that I just don't know. I have no idea what my life will look like at that time. I do understand why he is desperate for me to commit to moving, but now I'm feeling guilty about it, even though he is the one that wants the D. We decided to think about the finances and move and talk again. Not sure if that is going to happen or not.

A few things I noticed, I'm starting to detach. I was able to go about my days with him here without hiding out in my bedroom. He stayed upstairs most of the time, but we did interact and it was ok, awkward, but ok. Also we went (in separate cars) to both my younger Ds soccer games. This was something I was dreading, but again, it was ok.

My H seems a little lost, he has only confided in two people. His brother who went through a terrible divorce and had never recovered and has a lot of anger, and Hs boss, also divorced and has issues (my H words). He is defiantly conflicted, but determined to get Divorced. He does feel that D will make his like better, but is also confused and admitted to second guessing, which I guess is normal. In some ways,I feel like the stronger person even though I'm still a mess.

[Mic]

Will you be moving away from friends and family? Your husband wants a divorce yet wants you to move to another state to make it more convenient for him to see the children?
How is this beneficial to you?
Was the move planned before BD?

[MamaB]

Hi Mic, the move was planned before BD. About a year ago my H was promoted and the new job is based in another city, and includes a lot of travel. He has been traveling most weekdays for a year now, the job has really stressed him out and I think (mind reading) that this has been one factor in his wanting to D. We were going to move this summer and my oldest D was going to stay here and finish school living with her close friend. I hated that my D was going to be seperated, but it seemed like the best option.

When my H called to tell me he wanted the D, I just knew that I could not seperate the girls and leave my D to deal with this on her own. We would go from one houshold to three. Also I love the city were I live now, I have friends and my kids have friends. The other city is closer to my parents. I will consider moving after my D graduates, but I won't make it part of the decree because I just don't know what life will look like in 15 months. I may have a great job (I hope to have a job!), I maybe in a great situation.

Of course, the opposite could also be true too. H is going to move no matter what I do, he feels that he has no choice.

[Mic]

Good luck with your decision. You need to do what is best for yourself. It is so much easier to give advice than to take it. How are the kids handling the separation/divorce. Is there another W involved that you know of?
I would think they would need their mom more than ever right now and they are used to their dad travelling. Will work allow him to come back and visit or will you be sending the kids to him for long periods?

[MamaB]

Thank you for your reply Mic, I could use some luck! My younger two don't knwow yet (H request) but I think they can sense a change in our dynamic. My oldest D is mad, but respectful to her Dad.

I don't know if there is OW. He says that there is not, but I would not be shocked if there was one.

I really wish that I didn't have to make the decision to move or not to move. I really feel that staying to get my D through school is important for her and keeping thr girls all together right now is important.

My D9 was facetiming with H the other night and asked him why he was not home. She said "Dad, why are you there and not home, your children are not there, your dog is not there, your wife is not there!" He was silent. I'm not sure how the visitation would work, I know what the courts allow which include his getting them for 42 days in the Summer, every Spring break, every other weekend, and trade off holidays. But, I don't know yet what the reality of that will be as he travels so much.

[MamaB]

I'm struggling with making all the decisions I need to make concerning the D, and trying to dig deep into how I got into this position. I have been doing 180s, but they are mainly used on kids as H is not home much. I'm really noticing a change within me on these 180's. For example, I listen until the very end when they are talking, I don't jump in o correct or try to fix, I try to valadate their feelings. I have slipped up plenty of times, but I try to think anout the slips and how I should have responded.

When my D and I talked last weekend, I did jump in too much. My plan next time we talk is to STFU and let him talk. Even when I don't agree with what he feels are fair terms fo the divorce.

Just some journaling.

[slow_it_down]

My H has been holding our family's happiness hostage for the past few years because he hates his current job and couldn't find another comparable job locally. I finally said I had enough of feeling so guilty about either him moving away and not getting to see our S or him staying in a job he hates. We broke up, he was suddenly faced with not seeing our S daily and the craziest thing happened... He went out and found a new job, different career path, that will allow him to live near us and give him more time with our S.

My point is this, I care about my H but I couldn't help him out of his own 'stuff.' He had to find a way to make his job and living arrangements work around our S.

Your H doesn't have to work this particular job. He might have to make some sacrifices in his line of work or in his pay, but you don't need to solve this for him. If his heart is aching he'll find a way to live closer to your kids whether or not you work things out in your marriage.