The star is inside of YOU!

[beatrice]

Quand meme (needs a circumflex) - lovely expression - 'even so', 'all the same' etc.

Yes, it did come out a bit wrong didn't it? There is a huge amount of implicit ageism around. As a gorgeous, but chronologically older woman, I am always amused when guys realise how old I actually am.

[BrightFuture]

Just catching up. Beautiful post, Eric.

So, what inspired you to write about the Fear? I’m so grateful that vets like you still come to this board to share the experience and give the advice. Sometimes I wonder though, why are you still here? My fear is that many years from now I will still be living with the painful memories of this time (after BD.) My fear is that I will never completely recover and move on.

[ericmsant2]

BrightFuture

So, what inspired you to write about the Fear?

I came back to boards after a period aways and what I was reading from a lot of poster, prompted me to write this. I was driving up from a long weekend away in VA and I was thinking a lot about it. I was also reflecting on how grateful I am for the people here and the folks that helped me so much. So...I decided to write the post. It was a bit of a ramble...but i was hoping it would help some folks.

Sometimes I wonder though, why are you still here?

Me too Honestly, I came back really because time allowed me to. I just finished up a very large project, which did not leave much time for me to post. I am now in a little bit of a slow period work wise, which is why you see me post more. I do believe though that I will always post, always come back. The two reasons are: 1) To give back. I recieved so much from these boards. I've made what I would say are life long friends. So I believe in giving back. The second reason is....to keep me honest. To remind myself of how blessed I am. Coming back allows me to stay the course on some level.

My fear is that many years from now I will still be living with the painful memories of this time (after BD.) My fear is that I will never completely recover and move on.

I totally understand how you could feel this way. Recently, my fiance asked me..."how can you really believe in marriage if you are reading horror stories about divorce. Reading story that are sad". My response to her was....That is how you view it, I view it differently. I see people fighting to save marriages. Fighting for love. Growing. Healing. I see all sort of positives.

Bright - you do not have to live in fear of not healing. I believe that all you need to do is to choose to heal. To live you life making choices that move YOU forward on your own path. You only stay stuck if you choose to.

Consider the DB basic principals....

1) Healthy boundaries.
2) Better communication
3) GAL
4) "act as if"
5) Change how you look at things
6) Keep a positive outlook
7) Personal growth
8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be.
9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels"
10) Love and respect

These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.

I hope I answered all of your questions. If you more...feel free to ask. I am open book.

Peace,
Eric

[ericmsant2]

Oh...and for the record I am not on MWD's payroll. LOL

[bustingout]

"If that is what you want….then really just try and live it. Step by step, day by day. For me, I found that if I really spent all my time looking inside myself, that I really did not have any time or energy for that matter worrying about what my ex was or was not doing. That’s not to say, that some of her actions did not pis* me off. They did. I just learned to feel it, recognize why I was feeling what I was feeling and then I just let it go. Now, that may seem easy – but it is not. As long as YOU know that you are doing your best. That is all that really matters. Never lie to yourself. Learn to be brutally honest with yourself..even if it hurt. THe end result (at least for me) was that you really get to know YOU. "

Thank you for this response Eric. I am really trying. Especially being brutal honest with myself. Sometimes I don't have enough confidence in myself to trust my judgement. However each day I focus on the now and continue to put one foot in front of the other. I have skills I never knew before to keep me focused or refocus me in times of word or fear. It will always be a process. I realise that now. And I accept that the journey is lifelong.

You are a real inspiration to me Eric. Thank you for what you have given back. I love reading and learning from you.

[Lostforwords]

BF,

Not to steal Eric's thunder.....but his description is pretty much the same for me. I am not here because I am hurting anymore.....quite the opposite as I have walked through the valley of divorce and kept right on walking.

For me the ultimate meaning of success is helping others achieve it themselves. While being here might not be defined as a successful place for all of us to be.....If I can say just one thing that helps somebody get through their valley easier, then I have accomplished something great.

Life isn't about a nice house or great achievements....at the end of the day it is truly about the lives you have touched.

[OneDay]

ericmsant2 - Thank you so much for posting this. I must have read this 8 times in the last 2 days and every time do, I feel more positive about myself. I breath a sigh of relief when I'm finish reading.

I have the FEAR, I have the GUILT, and it will Su*k the life right out of you if you let it.

I cant tell enough what your post means to me and I feel so fortunate to have come across it .

Thank You again

[OneDay]

I've been thinking a bit more about ur thread. I feel that fear is a big part of all our stitch's but doesn't it go deeper than that? What about feelings of shock, disbelief, sadness etc. These are all human emotions that take time to heal. Are these feelings fear based emotions?

Honestly the feeling I have feel like I'm constantly grieving. Like a death, but the person is still alive.

Can we begin to work on our fears while having these other emotions. Maybe? Maybe one small step at a time.

[BrightFuture]

Eric, Lostforwords, thanks for answering my question about why some posters are still here after a few years. Your contribution on this board is invaluable. Thank you for being here. I do get a lot of wisdom and inspiration from the vet’s postings. It keeps me going. I’m sure all other posters, and especially newbies can relate.

[bjudge]

Great read!

I do have some questions that I am hoping can get answered...

1. Any advice on how you begin loving yourself?
2. The list Eric posted says "set boundaries" what specifically are these?
3. If your S is still living with you, do you still hold them accountable for their actions? Or just let them live?

Thanks in advance.