Thanks Melissa I love your replies ,,,and they made me think and you know what. I am not the wife from hell.. He has issues not me.. he decides now that a decision made 10 years ago was unfair, that me complaining about a move that was only negative for me and positive for hi m was unfair that was all it took. Even though I was prepared to move..somehow that complaining for 3 months equates to no trust left in him for me... then he decides to start his sad little affair with a numbnut from his company then decides to tell me the marriage was over before the affair.. oops didn't I know I need help to move and get an apartment, I need help with the costs and the language.. he will like to help.. makes him feel like he is not a total slimeball which is good.I will let him help. Then he can do as he likes. What I think I will enjoy is moving into his new suburb... so he will be able to see how well I manage without him.
I do have the option of totally messing with his head... making him feel very insecure and the possible subject of lot of gossip... have to decide how high I want my moral ground to be.
I need to add I was given a new job today....a great job...
I also realised that I was not respecting myself by taking so much blame on me...If he is not smart enough to know himself and speak up when he feels pressured or unappreciated why should I be even thinking I should have been doing that for him. If the complaint is I am too controlling then why expect me to monitor and controlled everything so he always feels good about himself. Can't have it both ways..
Actually exciting to think I can make some choices for me without thinking about his ego...
The O W is sending me emails from various false accounts, unless she has several..all about getting out of my WS life... I have ignored them but I am annoyed usually children who do this get tired of it after no response for a coupke of weeks... but she is persistent..
all sorts of stuff they are getting married, he wants to be a father to her children (now that one is a big whopper...he really does not like children) I don't think he is aware.. do I copy him into the stop bugging me or I will take other action, email, ask him to deal with her, wait her out though my poor email is always so busy.
My plan was to email and copy him I ..nothing emotional jy4st stop you are boring , your company would not like to think you do this on their time...but they work for the same company and it is not good for ME if he loses his job..
you see it is all about me these days
my question is that will it achieve my goal of friendlier relationship between us..H and me not O W and me. it would make me feel better
First time I a month I have seen my H. We have talked, some times friendly, sometimes not so. He sent a letterabout a formal separation from a lawyer... did not mentikn it was cominb. Claimed he did not know it was being sent. Said we were separated inAugust? Heated pbones class followed.. he agreed to change it to October. Makes a difference here as you need to be separated for a year before divorce. So I found an old acquaintance who specialises in family law. She is gunning for him. I really did not want this to be adversial so asked this weekend if he would withdraw it. A formL separation will cost him a lot here.. He said he wants it all an even playing field ? Then dropped the line that clarified everything.. I could not u derstand why he was prepared to lose so much... he thinks when we are separated then he won't be having an affair anymore. He also tried to convince me to share his lawyer but as she had already negle ted to inform me of my rights...I think the very efficient woman I have found is a better choice..I think he js scared... said I do not have to do whT she says.. but why hire a lawyer and then ignore her? He sayz we dont have to follow through with the divorce in November...anyone believe him? Actually now I have agreed that I don't think the marriage was any good and I don't wanr to be married to someone who is having an affair he is much friendlier.. went out for dinner withfriends and it was fun, he organised the tv satelitte and cleaned part of the house..he said maybe we can be closer.. who knows.. Sadly the man I would hvae trusted with my life is now a liar.. self serving, dishonest, manipulative.. It does not suit me to divorce in one year..I can make life difficult... He got forms for me to sign to cha ge the tax category we each are in..did not ask if Iwant to.. just assumed..so there they sit u signed...
He is less anvry now I am agreeing and validating..but it is such a lot of effort..I have to zleep on if he is worth it...
Moving forward. .I am not sure how and would value other perspectives and experiences. The letter from my lawyer to his and to him , was to my mind aggressive. I thought a lot and being antagonistic will not achieve my goal. He is more open to listening now that I am agreeing with him.I think I am fortunate that nothing further can happen until November. After a lot of thought and discussion with my counselor I decided to stop the process. Here it means that he does not have to pay me 3/7 of hjs usual financial support for 12 months. It felt wrong and I have worked so hard to maintain a positive relationship the last months . This chasing money when he already pays all the mortgage seemed wrong when financially I don't HAVE to have it.I had asked him to withdraw the formal separation paperwork he said no so I had intended to go ahead with the process but changed my mind. I feel ok about it except when I told him he was angry and said that this is the problem , he doesn't know what to believe, that is why he can't trust me. Yes before you check my thread folks he is having the affair not me. I am trying to figure out that thinking. He was friendly when we spoke on the phone and now does not share what he and the OW have planned for the weekend. He used to tell me and it sure was not good for detaching. My coach's advise is conversation light and breezy which is fine except when I mention my new hobby of running long distance he gets annoyed because I did not run wirh him.He didn't run though..does now with the OW but never asked me..I am confused by his reaction.
The other issue is he visits for a weekend and we always end up in relationship talk..how do I avoid that. He said it is weird to do things like movies together .We went to dinner with friends last time and that was good
except the old issues for him wers raised when we were home. Not in angef but still emotionally exhausting.
He feels weird hugging or kissing hello and good bye though to be fair that was something he had to learn early in our relationship. .his family is odd.
Any advice for weekend visits.When I ask what he wants to do says it is up to me. So to me he seems detached. I am trying but always good at it. I tell him I look forward to his visits.
I am willing to visit him but he didn't want me in his apartment. I did that once and not again. I will visit if he can spend the time with me. He said he will find weekends that work?
I move to the town in summer. .new job..planned before his affair. He wants me to not think we can repair tbe relationship ( so.ethi gI mentioned before DB) I have agreed it would be a bad idea. Which is ot quite truthful .I do want a relationship...just a different one. so experts where am I ? Any thing positive here or is it as black and deep and hopeless as it feels most days...before I put on my happy face and act like it is ok?
What do I do with the weekends? I had to find photos of our house so we can sell it. I told him how sad that made me..I know a mistake. Seeing pictures where he seemed happy but apparently was miserable. ..tough... I email once a week friendly about the dog garden etc.. we talk once or maybe twice each weekend. .I feel like friendly contact is ok.AmI right? Or am I pretending to myself. I asked if he could spend some days here in April to get ready to move.It is tr ky.One complaint was I was always controlling but this is an enormous house, we have to move and he is not thinking about it .This would be fine except I will deal with the stress because he will not be here! I feel like I spin and spin...I have some good forum friends, my counselor is working on me and apart from that no one knows how my life is.. gets heavy but seems like few people except the people here think a marriage is possibleafter an affajr...ma6be they are right?
Your first line is "moving forward," but the rest of your post talks about your H visiting, you emailing your H once a week, you moving to H's town, you refusing to take H's money to which you are legally entitled, expecting to hug/kiss hello and goodbye, asking him to spend time with you at the house that you are sad to be selling, etc.
Are you really moving forward? You didn't mention anything you are doing for yourself, other than running.
Quote:
I thought a lot and being antagonistic will not achieve my goal. He is more open to listening now that I am agreeing with him.
This stuck out to me, Lou. There is a lot of space between being antagonistic and agreeing to whatever your H wants. Please just keep in mind that the emotions you are feeling right now will not last forever, but the terms of your D (if it gets to that) will.
I'm a little confused about the process there - you said your H won't withdraw the separation paperwork, but that you decided to stop the process? What are you able to stop on your own? Just not taking the money?
Why does your H visit some weekends? Is it to see you, or is there another reason he needs to be there? Since DB, has your H ever said he wants to work on the M?
I think it's great to have hope, but it sounds to me like you have a lot of expectations attached to that hope. If I am being honest, I'm not sure it's possible to have hope without expectations. I have finally dropped my expectations, but I also have no hope anymore. Before that, I had hope, and would be disappointed when my hopes were dashed, which tells me I had expectations, too.
Maybe a vet will stop in and explain how one can untangle the two.
Is it necessary for you to move to H's town and take the new job? Can you stay where you are, or find another job elsewhere? If your H disappeared off the face of the earth, what would you do? I am worried that you have a lot of expectations of what might happen if you move nearer to your H. Do you think it's possible that being closer to him (and OW) might make things worse?
So, Lou, tell us what you are doing for you!! What's good in your life right now?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Hi Melissa thanks for the support.. I feel I am focusing too much on him.. I know it but the next few life changing steps are really tied up with him.. selling the house, moving, getting a new apartment for me ( Germans do not like to rent to foreignors and I can't read the contracts.. he said he will do all that)
You need to be separated 12 months here to be divorced. If both people agree then nothing formal has to be done. H made a formal statement, I went to lawyer she went into overdrive on my financial rights. He pays the mortgage here.. I don't need the other 500 to 900 euros a month he might need to pay and pursuing it makes his life difficult for no good reason. So I stopped it. I talked to my IC and he said if it feels wrong then if probably is. My expectation is that I will be able to say at the end of this I took the moral high road in every interaction and I am proud of myself
I have to move. My school expected me to leave for the past 12 months so my position is not really tenable here.My new job suitz me much better and my support base is also better there and it pays better. I will be about 30 minutes from H 45 minutes from school. It is cheaper in his area. I am not concerned
about where the OW lives or what she thinks.
I guess there is hope and expectation. I don't know why he visits.. to talk he says.. the agreeing with him was agreeing the marriage was over. I wanted for a long time to discuss repair...something he didn't want to hear..now I have agreed the marriage is over. He is less stressed. I made some comment about I had not realised what terrible wife and friend I had been.. he said that's not true. I had not been fishing for compliments.. I really was surprised how many sins I had committed in his eyes.. then he says I wasn't teribble.. So I am aware of not focussing on him..and I try.. I work full time I run 3 nights and 1 morning each week...I see my IC..I see so e friends...I walk the dog.. I don't have time for much else..
I know I am a controller but if without a commitment from him to help clean up and pack up I can see me doing it alone becauxe no will remind him to do it...and that really doesn't work for me...Hence my need for a commitment of some days working here, cleaning up his tools, garages, deciding what to do with furniture... I know I have some not useful ways of thinking my IC is working on.. I think they tangle hope and expectation..I guess you are right Melissa..but without hope none of us would be here or ? When we look for baby steps is that hope? My coach thought there were a number of positive baby steps..and I keep reminding myself this is a long process like the marathon I ran today.. well half marathon..if I am truthful.. but does that bring expectations that will get smacked down when I look for those baby steps?
So differentiating between hope and expectation... I agree t would be good to untangle. While our lives are so intertwined it is hard to detach properly and while his messages are mixed it is also difficult. While he has not told anyone outside his work friendz it also increases hope and then too expectation. Thanks for asking the question Melissa.. I am still far more confused and attached than you and it does not do me much good.
I have lost too much weight so look haggard. One olleague asked me did I have cancer? I have to rehome my pup.. no places to rent will allow pets work is stressful buzy and my colleagues are stressed unhappy and leaving I am alone in a place where I barely communicate I have not told my family because I do hope it will not be necessary His sister, who I thought was my friend also has abandoned me and has stopped answering my calls. I have to leave a house and garden I love.. Spring is here and it makes me sad not happy I can spend all weekend alone unless I go running.. My love language is affirmation and physical affection.. particularly the day to day kind, not necessarilt sex but hugs, cuddles...so none of that happens at all I have a running injury but have to run to stay sane. What is good? Well this weekend I parked outside a hospice for terminally ill people ..I guess things could be worse
I am so rubbish at this detaching stuff.. I understand it, I know what to do, mentally I tell myself and then emotionally.. nope not working..
I spend way too much time in my mind making up scenarios about what is happening or why. Then I can make myself happy or miserable depending on the thoughts I have created. I know it is wrong and makes no sense, that it is not helping me in any way but thoughts are hard to stop.. even running I can still think.
I think I understand he wants this separation. I understand he is seeing someone else but I don't think I believe it.. does that make sense..
It is difficult because I see him so rarely.. once every 3 weeks or 4. Too much to forget him but not enough to make sure I understand he means what he says. He seems so much like he always was lately.. calmer, more friendly, willing to discuss..it is hard to remind myself of the reality, especially when I so badly do not want it to be that way.
I keep texts to a minimum and emails. I used to tell about some of the things I was doing but have stopped that.. He works long hours and often is away on business trips so it is difficult to find a night to speak on the phone although he said he would. He commented on how much I am out.. which is true but generally it is slushing through mud trying to keep up with the fast runners.
so this lack of contact allows me the time to make up things..like he is changing his mind.. then when he obviously hasn't then I am devasted... all the while knowing I did thiz to myself... I am trying hard to stop thinking about him, keep busy and yet..it does not work so well
How have other people managed to detach...and stay that way...
