Need help saving my family - continued

[Scorp7]

I thought I'd start a new thread since the last one was getting a bit long.

You can find it here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2428853#Post2428853

Am I fooling myself? From reading most of the posts on the forum my situation is definitely extreme. My W has been gone for 4.5 months (totally a WAW, left with no warning at all), taken the kids, started a new job in her home town 4 hours away and has told me in no uncertain terms that it's over. I've asked her to try counselling together, if for no other reason than to at least co-parent as best we can, and she has refused. Her parents, whom she is living with, are pushing her very hard to D me. On top of that, it seems she is at least emotionally involved with another M.

I know I need to stay patient and work on myself, something I've done a lot of, but is there really hope?

[nit84]

Scorp,

I have been at this 8 months and although my W and I live together because I moved back for ME, she still considers us S and no hope to R. She also declined MC back last summer so I no longer ask.

As far as the OM possibility that stinks, I have no proof but suspect my W is engaged in at least a EA. It is not a deal breaker to me though and if it is not a deal breaker you have to be patient. I was told by my DB coach and by things I have read that it takes 6-9 months for a persons true colors to come to light to the WAS.

Most A don't last it is fantasy for the WAS right now. In that time frame do as much as you can to become the man only a fool would leave.

Believe it or not Both you and I are relatively early in our S.

Hang in there!!

[Scorp7]

Thanks nit84, I appreciate it! It is early although it feels like it's been a lifetime already.

My hardest task has been to not try to pursue her. Early on after she left I did the usual mistakes of sending her a heartfelt letter, giving her romantic gifts, begging and so on. I stopped that and things at least improved as far as I see my kids more often now. She still hasn't shown any sign at all of wanting to even try working on things so that makes it hard to keep going.

[Scorp7]

One thing I had been considering doing for my W was to record our favorite song (I'm a musician) and then do a compilation of video clips and pictures with the song playing in the background, basically a music video.

I've had the idea for a long time but I haven't followed through with it since I know it's pursuing in a big way. I love my W so it's hard not to do nice things for her. Since I believe I can't believe any of what she's saying and maybe half of what she's doing right now it's hard to know if the music video would be taken well or not.

[Scorp7]

One other point is the idea that giving space and pulling back will possibly bring us together again. I've also followed Mort Fertel and he is adamant that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is incorrect. If the goal is to achieve a renewed closeness with my W then the more I am absent it would seem the easier it will be for my W to move on.

[nit84]

Scorp,

I think it may be too early for something like a music video.

You need to remember she has nothing but negative thoughts when it comes to your former M. That favorite song you think might be nice will just bring back thoughts of the bad(in her mind) M and you don't want any negativity to creep in and steal the space that could be there for positive things.

If she hears that song on her own that is different. She then will process her feelings the way she wants.

By recording that song you are trying force her to think back to when YOU thought you and your WAW were totally in love and nothing could split you apart. Most likely the Honeymoon stage.

In DR those phases that MWD speaks about are very real if you think about it and place yourself in one as an exercise.

The way I am going about it is if or when my WAW comes back I will have fond memories of our wedding songs from our 1st R but most certainly have a new favorite song that will remind me of how lucky that both Me and my W were able to work through this most difficult time and have chance at a better R this time around.

Believe me when I tell I did all the same things in the beginning just like you did. I just stopped and reminded myself how badly I want this to work out for me.

The only way that will happen is if I stick to the advice and coaching I am receiving. If you want something bad enough you can motivate yourself to do it.

It is horrible and I cant say I don't have weak moments, in fact today I am feeling a bit weak, but reach down inside your soul and muster up that inner strength that maybe you don't even realize you have and fight for what you want but do it in a way that shows confidence and more importantly will show your W that you really are the person she should be with. Actions really do speak louder than words.

It wont happen overnight probably but the sooner you start the better you feel and that is 25% of the battle.

[Scorp7]

Thanks again nit84. I have really been working hard on myself. I'm in the best physical shape I've been since I was in my early 20's. I think I was always a good father but I'd say I'm pretty awesome now, hehe. I try to stay busy and do as much as I can to not allow myself to sit around and mope.

My problem is that since my W and I have so little contact how does she start to see the changes I've made? She also has her parents making her decisions for her and they don't like me much. I've definitely backed way off but I'm concerned that all I'm doing is making it easier for my W to D me.

You have a good point about our song. I had thought the music video would be a nice thing for our kids to have no matter what, even if my W didn't want it.

I know my W loved me deeply and I'm quite sure she still has some feelings for me at least. The question is, how much time would she need to start to have any real positive feelings about me or our past?

[Barrybran]

Is there anything you're doing for your GAL that your wife may enjoy?

[Scorp7]

She loves being outdoors and I've been doing a lot of walking and running lately. I've also considered going to do some indoor wall climbing and I know she always wanted to do that.

The problem is she doesn't seem to want to even talk to me right now (or so she's said so far) so getting her to agree to an activity with me may be tough. I'd love to suggest doing something like that with her.

The kids and I have been going swimming together a lot as well and it would be great if my W wanted to come along one time with us.

[Barrybran]

Then invite her along to something you or you and the kids are doing. If she comes, great. If not, who cares? You were going to have fun anyway.