Because I can't expect her to make a rational decision. That's part of the reason I'd never agree to a dissolution. Because that would just make it be "done" for her when I still believe VERY MUCH that our marriage is salvagable. If she does want to be "done," she'll have to do the heavy lifting. She'll have to be the one to get (and pay for) an attorney. She'll have to be the one to file for divorce. She'll have to be the one to "find" grounds for divorce (good luck to her on that one).
On this point I totally agree. This is my philosophy as well. That's why things on her end, for me, is moving too slow. My state though has something called "No Fault" and basically you can just say irreconcilable differences without having to prove anything. Funny they make getting loans and declaring bankruptcies harder but getting divorced easier.
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
On this point I totally agree. This is my philosophy as well. That's why things on her end, for me, is moving too slow. My state though has something called "No Fault" and basically you can just say irreconcilable differences without having to prove anything. Funny they make getting loans and declaring bankruptcies harder but getting divorced easier.
My state does have "incompatibility." But it has to be agreed by the spouse who hasn't file (myself). Which I will never agree to (we actually do get along). The other is that we don't live together for a year and THEN she has grounds.
Either way, it's time. I can't remember who has it in thier signature, but there is such a thing as the gift of time. 2S2Q, some people don't have that gift and it does seem like you do.
In my case, I am still 100% hopeful until she has grounds for divorce (even then I'll probably still be hopeful). I KNOW I can do the work needed to turn this around if I have time. And that's how I'd recommend you looking at it 2S2Q. You're looking at time in reverse. Treat it as your friend, not your enemy. If you're using DB techniques consistently, then you can make this work.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
But I think it all does go back to 2S2Q's original thought of just wanting it to be "done."
It takes patience and time. Some people here are running out of time. Some have nothing but time. If a person REALLY wanted to save their marriage, then the more time....the better.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
2S2Q, I am going to jump on the bandwagon here and say that you might want to back up a few steps and look at things through a different lens.
If you really are done, you're done. There is no shame in that.
But I am not sure that you are really done, vs. you are tired of this crappy situation.
If you think it's that you really are done, how do you know?
I can tell you from being there right now, that having filed for D has really only made me feel worse. I didn't have a choice but to file, but if I did, I think I would have waited quite a bit longer. Not because I have really any hope that my H and I will R, but because you just never know what might happen.
There is nothing keeping you from living the life you want to live right now. The only thing you can't do while still M is get married to someone else.
It can get tiring having hope, and having your expectations/hopes constantly dashed. I get it. Maybe just focus on yourself for a bit, and see what happens. Stop thinking about your M, and your W, and what she is thinking, and what's going to happen, and just live.
2sq, I agree with M, if you can consider things for a little bit and look at 25s post again (wow it was really powerful) then perhaps you'd change your mind. I am in a similar situation to M in that certain circumstances made it necessary for me to begin a legal process. I got certain external information that lead me to believe that me and my kids would not be financially secure if I didn't take that step in my state to further separate me and my W.
I have heard things that tell me and have seen things that show me she hasn't been interested in being M in a long time. I'm sure that there are things I did that added to this. I'm sure that there are just parts of her own life that added to this. I'll have to sort out the issues that I brought to the table. I can't fix her's.
I also agree with M if you decide to move forward with legal stuff, there's not shame in that either. these situations are really confusing.
I will also say that I am impressed and amazed at the success of people like Bug and 25. they earned it. However, what they did is NOT COMMON. What they accomplished is a very small percentage and was only done because they changed for themselves and the person they are M to decided to re-engage them. the second part was completely out of their control. But because they changed, I don't think the second part was something they HAD to have happen....my 2 cents (or 4 cents...)
again there's no shame in moving forward. Or you can choose to move forward in a way that is not legal. Just by living your life. I would think that you also want companionship. if you're like me, you won't do anything about that without moving "formally" away from your M. I respect that. Some people do things like dating while separate and still hoping to R. I don't agree with that for myself. you have to think about what you want and what you need for you to be happy and for your kids to have the best dad on the planet.
we're here for you No judgment from me about things.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I agree. U have a better chance with a live-in WAS to turn things around than if you were physically separated.
I don't know about this^^^. I'd like some data to support it, though I'm not sure how that would be obtained.
In my sitch, h leaving lowered the tension level big time. And over time, it gave me the chance to work on MY issues, a lot better than if he'd been there in my face the whole time.
The changes I made were more noticeable b/c we were not together on a daily basis, and finally, by making the rare interactions we had, better/different than before, h had a lot more to miss when he was gone.
The Contrast between the world HE was creating for himself and the homelife I was creating HERE, was huge, in time. H noticed it b/c it was blindingly obvious.
I doubt that could have happened if he had remained in the home til we got so tired of each other that one of us bolted for good.
Just my .02
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, you make some great points. I was thinking if the WAS broke all contact with the LBS how would the WAS even notice anything if they were never together? Your point is very valid and im leaning towards your POV. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
I agree. U have a better chance with a live-in WAS to turn things around than if you were physically separated.
I don't know about this^^^. I'd like some data to support it, though I'm not sure how that would be obtained.
In my sitch, h leaving lowered the tension level big time. And over time, it gave me the chance to work on MY issues, a lot better than if he'd been there in my face the whole time.
The changes I made were more noticeable b/c we were not together on a daily basis, and finally, by making the rare interactions we had, better/different than before, h had a lot more to miss when he was gone.
The Contrast between the world HE was creating for himself and the homelife I was creating HERE, was huge, in time. H noticed it b/c it was blindingly obvious.
I doubt that could have happened if he had remained in the home til we got so tired of each other that one of us bolted for good.
Just my .02
I think in most cases it can be a good thing depending on the situation. In my case, we originally separated in order to lessen the amount of time we had around each other therefore we fought less. And that has definitely been the case thus far. Which is most definitely a good thing. BUT, in my case my wife has "said" that she's as happy as she's been in years since we've been separated. Now, we've only been separated for about a month and I've only been DBing for about 20 days so it IS possible that she's just "saying" that and that isn't how she feels.
Time will tell I guess. If everything remains the same, the separation will just end up being one nail in the coffin.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
