2s2q, if you did the flowers because you felt good about doing it, then it was all fine. Sometimes we have to do what we think is right, for ourselves. If you were hoping for some kind of expectation, and then feel let down because of it, then wrong choice. As you said, you expected her to act negative towards the flowers. She didn't, therefore giving her flowers was a positive.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I agree, it sounds like I'm beating myself up for nothing. I just need to make sure I'm not pursuing and a friend told me I was being too nice so I had to put myself up for judgement by my peers LOL!
Also, NMMNG had an interesting perspective that saying "I love you" in order to get it said in return is manipulative behavior. I was very conscious to make sure I'm doing this for my expression and not pressuring her to respond.
You guys are right, I haven't and will not make any more contact. It's up to her to approach, not me.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
I guess the title says it all. She still hasn't made any moves towards a D but hasn't come the other way either.
We aren't in contact for any reason other than when she gives me money to help with groceries...If I got rid of the house, that excuse would go away and there would be nothing.
Out of the blue a couple days ago she sent me a message "took the kids to the Lego movie, it was funny and reminded me of you". That was it. I read that and immediately reminded myself it meant nothing and of course it didn't. She just remembered that I laugh really loud at the movies and I like going with the kids.
I've had a few aha! moments recently, all of which remind me that this marriage wasn't what I thought it was and it's not going to be right again. I married for love, she married because she needed someone at the time.
On Thursday I go to the head office at work to meet the CEO and receive an award for a project I took part in. It's a great moment for me and will help me move up in my career. I've spent the last few days moping because when I come home, no one will be there to talk to about it. There'll be no one to show. If she was still around, I don't think she'd be interested anyway. This is not the kind of support I gave when she had opportunities.
I've spent the last few years sacrificing so much time and energy to make her happy, it never worked. I since learned that while I was running myself ragged for her, she was with her friends talking a mountain of smack about me and how I'm no good, always late, never do anything right. She also recently told me that I never got to know the real her. She's herself around her friends but was never that person with me.
Let's face it, I'm single again. I don't know how else to say this, she's gone. Life's too short, she didn't want to live this lie anymore and I need to move on as well.
This is very hard, I don't want to do this but I have to or I'm going to lose it. Apologies if I sound like a quitter but I'm a person too. It's not just because she gets to run in circles with excuses ranging from midlife crisis, I'm just a friend, I'm depressed, I have no passion for you, etc. etc. that I have to sit in this miserable cloud and wait for her majesty to maybe decide I might not actually be a horrible a-hole.
The recent episodes where she wanted to ML but only at a hotel is insulting. In hindsight, it shows she just needed some and I was willing to give it.
Does anyone have any book they recommend to help a person move on with their lives and prep for divorce? Not the legal issues, I know that has to be discussed with a L. This is just really hard and I could use some perspective on the decision to do this.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
I read "Getting past what you'll never get over" by John Westfall. It had some helpful points. I think he had too many comparitives to his own life but you could check it out. I read that while detaching just to feel like I could if I need to.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Hey 2stubborn2quit, IMO, if you have kids you need to try to hand in there for them to have a chance to have their parents together with them. If you loved your W at one point it's likely that she loved you too so that can happen again. Love isn't a mysterious thing, it happens when the two of you spend time together, share common interests etc. If you're like me, you focused a lot of energy on things outside your marriage (work etc) and the kids and not on each other.
I don't know your situation but based on my own this has easily been the hardest time of my life. Hanging in and giving her time can be brutal but if you quit now I'd say you need to be 100% sure or you may have regrets for the rest of your life. It sounds like your W is confused on what she wants so there may be hope for a better future.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
As much as it 5ucks, I think Scorp is right. You've been at it for a couple of months and that's really just the beginning. I've only been at it for three months and I'm feeling a lot better so here's hoping your next month is about you and getting your head and heart right.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
So your W is saying that she sees stuff that reminds her of you....offered to make love to you (even though it's in a hotel) and you're saying that there's nothing positive going on in your sitch.
You're so wrong. There's alot going on in your sitch. You just aren't seeing them. But if you want to quit, it's up to you.
My W took 3 YEARS before she actually talked to me about ANYTHING. You don't know how to count the blessings you have. You're not being a quitter. You just seem a bit selfish. There are so many people on here who have received not even a FRACTION of what you've gotten. What's happened is that now anything your W does for or to you, will not be enough.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ditto the sentiments of Scorp & Barrybran. When we're all done with this chapter in our lives (which I'm sure we all can agree are some of the toughest times any of us will face), we need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and say that we did everything in our power to make this work.
We obviously want our marriages to work or we wouldn't have come here in the first place.
If my wife and I get divorced and 10-15 years down the road my son and/or daughter asks why we got divorced, I want to be able to say "your mom and I did everything we could to make our marriage work." I don't want to say "your mom checked out of the marriage and decided she wanted a divorce after only a few months of trying and I gave up at that point."
Regardless if our marriages work or not, we need to do it standing up for what we believe in. That way we will have no regrets.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Ditto the sentiments of Scorp & Barrybran. When we're all done with this chapter in our lives (which I'm sure we all can agree are some of the toughest times any of us will face), we need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and say that we did everything in our power to make this work.
We obviously want our marriages to work or we wouldn't have come here in the first place.
If my wife and I get divorced and 10-15 years down the road my son and/or daughter asks why we got divorced, I want to be able to say "your mom and I did everything we could to make our marriage work." I don't want to say "your mom checked out of the marriage and decided she wanted a divorce after only a few months of trying and I gave up at that point."
Regardless if our marriages work or not, we need to do it standing up for what we believe in. That way we will have no regrets.
Mr. Bond, I hope I'm not stepping over the line because I've been reading a lot of what you have to say and it's been very helpful to me. You said it took 3 years for your W talked to you about anything. Were you able to DB and reconcile? Again, I apologize if I'm overstepping but I obviously value the opinion of someone who did this for 3 years.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
