P.s. Everything these guys say about choices is true!!!! My XH's job is in DC. They've asked him a kazillion times to move. It wouldn't be too awful for me, as my family is there. I just don't want to. But instead, he worked things out to stay here in Denver and travel back every month to meet with his team. He chose it for our girls.
So don't feel bad choosing to live where you want to be. You have choices too.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm feeling much more confident today about staying here, thank you guys. Betsy, it was really hard to get the papers in front of the kids, it is seared into my memory. It is also hard for me to realize that my husband never told me that he filed, I just would like to have some respect for me in being honest.
It was my first time in IC today. I thought it went well, I felt comfortable with my C and it was nice to be able to talk to someone about the emotions. I liked that she supported the idea of working on me in order to get to a place where I can forgive my H. She did tell m that I should tell and show my H my hurt. That has not worked so well so far so, I will refrain. She also told me to write a letter to H (not to give him unless I want to - don't) to get the anger out in a constructive way, and not to push it down.
Have not communicated with H since Saturday, I'm down in the dungeon dark .
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
I write letters all the time, and then rip them up!!! I love it! Lol it really does help, and I've even started doing it for situations that have nothing to do with H. My IC said I gotta stop pushing emotions away.
So, try it!!
My IC also told me to tell my H about the results if his actions, BUT he doesn't want me to do it until I can completely detach from whatever his reaction will be. For me, I'm thinking that will be "drop the rope time". I'm not there, but the point of the exercise for me is that it's a 180 from what I normally do with everybody.
Is that the case with you guys? Not sure otherwise why they would want you to do that, especially if your H is being cold most of the time...??
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
When I was going through my divorce, I actually did hand write my wife a letter and sent it to her. It wasn't an attempt to win her back or to improve our sitch. It was just to tell her I realize some of the things I did and wanted her to know how truly sorry I was. That letter meant a lot to her and it helped me forgive myself for who I was at that time. Self forgiveness is a huge part of healing.
She did tell m that I should tell and show my H my hurt. That has not worked so well so far so, I will refrain.
Did you ask for a full explanation of this? I would. Did she mean boundaries?
I don't think being a victim and repeating over and over "You hurt me" is constructive but learning why you hurt and setting boundaries that protect you is helpful.
I think you also have to figure out what "not worked" means to you as well as what something working looks like.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I will write the letter this weekend, I do think it will help.
Labug, my C and I were discussing how I was feeling, I told her that I felt hurt. Hurt for his divorcing me and braking up our family, hurt that he told me over the phone, hurt that he took money, hurt that he did not tell me he filed and I got the papers in front of my kids. I told her that he does not acknowledge the fact that I feel hurt. She thought that if he saw my hurt in person that it may move him to acknowledge it.
"Not works" means to me that I don't think my H can acnknowledge my hurt because he is surprised by it, or does not realize or want to realize it. He thinks the divorce is best for everyone involved. Also, he emailed me today and in it he said "I know you are angry and frusrated, but....." so I think H sees me as angry vs. hurt.
I think what may work better is to know I am hurt, but I can't control if H acknowledges that fact. I need to work through that on my own. Also I need to not read to my H as angry. He thinks that I'm not moving because I'm mad at him, and that is not the case.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
My H missed his plane last night so will not be home this weekend. I know both he and my younger girls are dissapointed. He will now be coming home next Friday for the weekend.
I'm going to use the time to continue on working on detaching. I feel pretty good this morning, better than I have since the BD. It is a beautiful day today and I'm taking thd girls to D6's soccer game and then out for frozen yogurt. I hope the good mood lasts!
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
Labug, my C and I were discussing how I was feeling, I told her that I felt hurt. Hurt for his divorcing me and braking up our family, hurt that he told me over the phone, hurt that he took money, hurt that he did not tell me he filed and I got the papers in front of my kids. I told her that he does not acknowledge the fact that I feel hurt. She thought that if he saw my hurt in person that it may move him to acknowledge it.
"Not works" means to me that I don't think my H can acnknowledge my hurt because he is surprised by it, or does not realize or want to realize it. He thinks the divorce is best for everyone involved. Also, he emailed me today and in it he said "I know you are angry and frusrated, but....." so I think H sees me as angry vs. hurt.
Most of us show we're hurt by being angry. That's the first thing that bubbles up to protect us, the fight-or-flight reflex. It's only by slowing down and really getting to know ourselves and our emotions that we can sort these things out and respond in ways that give us a better chance of getting what we need.
Once we make any statement, how others acknowledge it is out of our hands. Whether he hears you or not isn't your problem. You taking care of you, is your responsibility. Your next sentence makes me think you understand that.
Quote:
I think what may work better is to know I am hurt, but I can't control if H acknowledges that fact. I need to work through that on my own. Also I need to not read to my H as angry. He thinks that I'm not moving because I'm mad at him, and that is not the case.
I think this is an opportunity to be straight with him and then let it go, leave it alone.
"H, I'm not angry now. I was hurt by x, y, and z my initial my response was anger." End of story unless 1)you have expectations that this will in some may make your situation immediately better, or 2)you are, in fact, still angry.
I expect you are and that's OK. Who wouldn't be? Anger is good because it can spur us to take action, to set boundaries to protect ourselves. But not recognizing and dealing with it can keep us stuck in the anger. Not good.
Just keep moving forward.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
One more thought, we often want what we say to somehow change our S, see the light, come around. Let go of that thought.
DB is based on our changes changing the dynamics of the R. Nothing is forced, they get to make a decision. Sometimes our Ss change in response to that R shift, sometimes they don't.
But we are left the better because of our changes.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
it really does help, and I've even started doing it for situations that have nothing to do with H. My IC said I gotta stop pushing emotions away.