I just wanted to chime in and say I'm sorry you find yourself here. I'm only 2 months in and my h is moving out Saturday. It's painful, but you will get wonderful advice here from this board.
Please recognize it will unfortunately probably get worse before it gets better. Have zero expectations and take care of yourself. I've had many nights where I never went to sleep ! (I don't advise this. )
Take care and keep posting.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Well just got served a Petition and the waiver for divorce, right in front of my kids (they don't kniw what it is.) I have feelings of hate at the moment for him, but I guess this should not come as a shock. A heads up would have been nice. UGH! The date on the petition is 2-14-2014, Valentines Day.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
Thank you labug, I am feeling so many emotions right now. I'm trying to feel them all, I'm grieving the loss of my family really.
I was very upset to get the papers because I had just talked to my H on the phone (the first real conversation since BD) and I asked that he would be sensitive about the papers. He said that he does not think it works like that. Technically, I did not get "served", the mailman rang the doorbell, my kids ran out excited that I was getting a package, I signed certified mail and opened the papers at my front door in front of kids. H never even mentioned that he filed. I called him back and he said they were supposed to come next week.
He did say he was sorry, first time he has said he was sorry about any of this. I do actually appreciate that he was sorry. It also reinforced, that he just can't be completely up front with this D. He called me on the phone to tell me he wanted a D, he could not even say the word D I had to, and now he could not tell me he filed.
He says he is confused, but he is moving at warp speed, three weeks between telling me and filing. I'm pretty sure there is OW, he just won't admit it, it could have some influence to a judge (not much) in my state of Texas.
The phone conversation was really because I had taken money out of our account to retain a lawyer. I felt bad and told him I hoped he understood, he said he expected it, but I think he was surprised I felt bad. We also rehashed some past stuff (stupid mistake). I have gone as dark as you can, and I have really come to understand that it just hurts me when this happens. I want so badly not to hurt so much and I do realize that I need to detach to get there, maybe forgive too.
I also told him that I'm not moving to another state and leaving my D16 here to complete High School. That was the plan before DB, but I want to keep my girls together and be here for my oldest D. This made him cry, he wants the relationship with my two youngest. I see my IC tomorrow for the first time tomorrow.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
All of this svcks. And you are doing unbelievably well for how new this all is.
At this point, you need to focus on yourself and your kids, and making sure that this whole process is done properly and that you get what you are entitled to. My sitch is a little bit older than yours, but we are in a similar place as far as the legal process.
One thing I am working really hard on is not allowing my emotions to get in the way of the business side of things. Because I know that if I somehow get less than I am entitled to because I feel guilty, or I am trying to be amicable, or not make my H mad, or whatever, I am going to feel raped and will probably be resentful about it for a long, long time. It's really important to think big picture. And remember that you can't believe anything your H says or does - and certainly do not count on him to take you, your future or your feelings into account.
I know it totally svcks to think that way, but it's the only way.
Good for you for telling your H that you won't be moving. There is no reason for you to move now other than to make his life easier. He made the choice, let him feel the consequence. Please do NOT feel guilty when he cries. It's not up to you to move to another state so that he can have the R he wants with the kids - he needs to figure that out on his own.
And please do not feel badly about taking money out of the account to pay for the lawyer. I know how you feel - I have been doing the same thing. I don't want to be mean, I don't want to be sneaky, I don't want to be untrusting or look out for myself to his determent. No, no, no. You do what you need to do for yourself and your kids, and do not feel badly about it!
(Can you tell I am lecturing to myself here too?)
I hope that IC will help you. I find that it helps me to jot things down during the week that are bothering me, because it seems that most of the time when I go to IC, I'm feeing OK in the moment and forget what it was that made me so distraught 6 hours ago.
Hang in there, mama!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Oh! And I wanted to say, if you have some time, check out the last few pages of my thread. You can ignore my lunatic posts, but read the great advice from the vets - I think a lot of it might help you, too!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Thank you so much for your reply Melissa, it really helped me look at few things about my decisions. And I did read your thread, and the advice you have been given is very applicable for me too! I am thankful you are here at this time, because you have been so open about your journey, you hve helped me with mine.
The decision not to move has nothing to do with my H, and everything to do with what I think is best for my kids and for myself. This really is his choice (although he says he has no choice because that is were is job is now) and this is a result of his choice. The guilt I feel is about my younger D‘s, I do want them to have a good, consistent relatioship with their Dad, and I don't want them to blame me for the distance now or when they get older. I guess I do have some guilt for my H too. But I'm confident in my choice.
It is hard for me to not feel intertwined with my H as far as decision making; financially, about the house, about the kids.....etc.... I trusted him with everything and really only pushed back occasionally. So to make these life altering choices without him is hard for me, I try to remind myself that it has only been a few weeks. That it will get easier to do and even feel normal at some point.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
This really is his choice (although he says he has no choice because that is were is job is now) and this is a result of his choice.
If I had a dime for every time my H said he had no choice . . . what a cop out. But that's what my H, and probably yours, truly believe.
He actually told me, once he signed a lease but before he moved out, that he had no choice but to move because he had signed a lease. LOL. Ironic how he was so keen on keeping his commitment to the lease on his Douche Pad, but missed the concept of the commitment he made to me when we got M.
Sigh.
One of my friends has been D for 15 years. Long story short, his W had an affair, left him for the OM, but the OM backed out of the agreement and didn't leave his W for her. Then she tried to come back, and my friend said no way. Then her company found out about the affair, which wouldn't have been a problem except she was using the company jet to meet up with her OM . . . so she lost her job too. Then she turned into a raging alcoholic and lost her kids. Hmm. This was supposed to be a short story. The point is, for a number of years when the kids were little, my friend had them 100% of the time. He had a demanding (and lucrative) job, but found that he could not properly care for his kids working so many hours without his W to help out. So . . . because he needed to for his kids, he quit his job.
We all have choices. Don't let your H make the selfish choice, and then blame you for the fallout.
P.S. Here's karma for you . . . when my friend quit his job, he started his own business, which has been very successful.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Hugs for you. As Bug and Melissa mentioned, my XH filed for D on VD too. I'm not sure of the significance, because his mom died on VD in 2004 and she hated me and he hated that she hated me, so it might have been his final FU to his mom. Her birthday was on the 15th so...
What really stinks is that he had you served in front of the kids. I think he's a total jerk for doing that to you and them. Mine flat out told me, "I don't want to have you served at work or in front of the girls. So if I give you the petition personally, will you sign and notarize and get it back to me?" Looking back, I appreciated it.
Hang in there. You've got the kids who need you to be strong for them. It's hard, but doable.
Good luck,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
