I meet with a CPA today and she gave me some good advice about taxes and what I should think about in D negotiations/mediation. I do encourage everyone to go to a CPA if they are in the divorce process, it was helpful.
My H and I had limited contact over the weekend. He is now traveling for work and he has not let me know when he will come back. I had a school meeting about D9 today, we are trying to get her tested for a learning disability, it has been a long frustrating road and I'm treading it mainly alone. I did email H about the meeting to keep him up to date. My D6 is also on track to be tested. I feel overwhelmed by trying to keep everything together and make sure everything gets done while I'm distracted by my R and D. I'm probably feeling a little sorry for myself today.
Tomorrow is a new day!
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
Just keep taking care of yourself and your girls . . . you will get through this.
There will come a point in the not too distant future that you will find that more and more often, you are more focused on your girls and your GAL than your H and your sitch.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I found out today that in addition to 13,000 my H took out of our account in November, he also took 7,000 in December. He just got a bonus of 6.9 thousand. He put all of this money into a separate account which I have no access to. He paid 11,500 on one of his credit cards, using this money. I have been completely trusting with my H, I never thought he would take money from.
I need to pay to retain my lawyer out of our joint checking which is the account we pay all bills from, and which my H check gets deposited to. My choice is to pay retainer leaving little money for bills and hope that my H will surplus account with some of the money he took, or not to retain the lawyer. I feel trapped and soo disappointed in my H. He really could have handled this in a much more respectful way. I have not told him that I know of the additional 7,000 he transferred out and I'm not sure what to do.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
H came home for the night and left this morning. He will be gone until next weekend. He came home and went right upstairs. Kids were so happy to see him, he put them to bed. I have been circling down the drain since I found out about the extra money he moved.
I have made an appointment with an IC for next week. I need help with getting to a place where I can talk to my H. I'm currently not doing well with DBing or 180s so I have trying to put a lot of thought into forgiveness and how to get there. It has only been three weeks so I do realize that this is just a drop in the bucket as far as time. I also joined a divorce Meet up group, so hopefully that is something that will be a good GAL activity. Soccer season is starting for two of my girls, which is always crazy busy, I welcome the distraction.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
Good to see you are taking steps. this process feels like forever. its kind of like dog years. one year here feels like 7 LOL. I am only 2 months into S, but it feels like much longer and my M was a mess before that.
You're getting there. have faith, keep posting. I just said this to somebody else. H walked away from you, return the favor. Just go out and start living. be the person you want to be and GAL. I know it sounds hard, but leave H is the dust (figure of speech). you might even find that YOU feel different once you do this. you never know....
I'm trying to do the same with my W so trust me, I'm no expert. Have a great day.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I agree with Artsy in the sense that this may start getting a little dicey.... I am not a L but you should likely talk one to ensure you and the kids are ok given the facts you stated here...they'll be able to ease your mind or at least help you work in ways that won't hurt you.
If he's moving $$ around and it might impact things for the family, you may want to see what rights you do or do not have in your state. You don't have to retain one to talk over this case. I interviewed a couple of people before I found a L I really liked and had good recommendations. it costs about $50 in my area to do that. Don't tell you H you did that just yet. Some thing are better left unsaid. if needed, you can tell h things later.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Thank you Paul. I'm trying to take steps to GAL, I think not doing it sooner part of the reason I'm in this situation.
Artsy and Paul, I will tell him soon, but everytime I picture what I'm going to say, it is not as calm and rational as I would like it to be. When my H called me on the phone 3 weeks ago to tell me he wanted a D, he had already gone to a lawyer. He emailed me a few days later about having mediation to save us money, he has since retained a lawyer using some of that money. He also payed down 11.5 in credit card debt (from a card that is in his name only) from that money.
I have gone to a lawyer who said that there really was not much I could do unless I filed for D and that would put a "stay" on all accounts. I jut don't want to file because I don't want the D, and I don't want to have to pay for filing.
The stealing/hording of the money is making it hard for me to address getting to a place of decent communication with my H. The person I trusted most is leaving me in a very bad financial situation. I am still trying to address my issues that lead to this, I hope the IC will help with that.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
Mama, you don't need a lawyer to file for D. You can file on your own, and the filing fee is not very much $$. If you are worried that your H is pissing away marital money, you should consider filing to protect your kids and yourself.
I had a similar issue - I needed to file to stop my H from giving up a martial asset, so I filed for a legal S (since I don't want to get D - I figured I will let him file for D if he wants to). That might be an option for you to look into as well. It wasn't easy and I still wish I didn't have to do it, but I didn't really have a choice.
Have you talked at all with your H about the $$? Perhaps he has some (non-sinister) plan you don't know about. Don't avoid talking to him out of fear. (This is one I am still learning myself, but it's so true.)
And make sure you are GALing for YOU.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Thank you Paul. I'm trying to take steps to GAL, I think not doing it sooner part of the reason I'm in this situation.
Artsy and Paul, I will tell him soon, but everytime I picture what I'm going to say, it is not as calm and rational as I would like it to be. When my H called me on the phone 3 weeks ago to tell me he wanted a D, he had already gone to a lawyer. He emailed me a few days later about having mediation to save us money, he has since retained a lawyer using some of that money. He also payed down 11.5 in credit card debt (from a card that is in his name only) from that money.
I have gone to a lawyer who said that there really was not much I could do unless I filed for D and that would put a "stay" on all accounts. I jut don't want to file because I don't want the D, and I don't want to have to pay for filing.
The stealing/hording of the money is making it hard for me to address getting to a place of decent communication with my H. The person I trusted most is leaving me in a very bad financial situation. I am still trying to address my issues that lead to this, I hope the IC will help with that.
I know you are in a strange new place but trust me (M and Artsy chime in here) you're in good company. You sound like this really took the "wind out of your sails". I can feel your emotions very clearly through your words. Its going to be ok. Whatever happens, you'll handle it. Remember that.
Also, it takes two to be married and unless there's something really crazy going on, it takes two to kill a M. Please do not think that you own all of this; You don't. It's just that you can't control whether or not you H does anything about his side of the street. Just work on your stuff (that's not the same as shouldering the entire blame for the marriage).
The benefit of working on you is that YOU FEEL BETTER. he might never notice but I guarantee you will
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Have a great day.