Need help saving my family

[Scorp7]

Hi, I'm new here so please bear with me. My wife and I had been together for 11 years and married for 7. We have three beautiful kids together, a daughter 6, another daughter 4 and our baby boy who just turned 2.

I had thought we had a great life together. We were best friends and spent almost everyday together. We talked constantly and stayed in touch throughout the day even when I was at work. We are both somewhat reclusive and we always seemed to only need each other for company. I always believed she was my partner in life and referred to her regularly as my other half.

Our life has had many stressful times though. We recently built a large beautiful home in the country and the process ended up being a nightmare. Shortly after starting the house build my mother was diagnosed with a serious brain condition and then later that same year with terminal cancer. During this same time our son was born. We own part of a business, I work for another business and my wife ran a work from home book keeping service. She also took care of our three children while she worked from home. Needless to say, we had taken on far too much.

During the past two years we had been under an incredible amount of stress. We both were exhausted and were likely clinically depressed. Our life on a daily basis became more about just managing to get through rather than really enjoying each other. My wife did not like conflict and was a pleaser to the extreme so while we did argue they happened infrequently.

Over the past year it seemed that my wife was growing more and more distant but anytime I asked her about it, which was often, she would assure me that she was "fine" or just tired. Since neither of us rarely got much sleep is seemed reasonable that she would be less than chipper a lot of the time.

This past April I had been increasingly worried about my wife's behaviour so I started to do some snooping. I came across an email message to a friend of her's asking if she had found a lawyer. She said she hadn't found one yet. I was devastated! I confronted her about it and she told me that she had thought I was going to leave our marriage and that she did not want to lose the kids if that happened so she just wanted to be sure that she was prepared. I was devastated and could not believe that she would think I would ever leave. After a very short time I assured her I would never leave and despite feeling betrayed I forgave her and told her I would trust her again.

This past summer went quite well despite still struggling with our stressful life. Then came Oct 3rd, D-day. I got up in the morning like I did any other. I drove our oldest daughter to school as I always did. My wife had greeted me in the morning with my lunch that she made for me daily, kissed me good bye and waved to me as I drove away. When I returned home my wife and kids were gone! No note, no warning, just gone!

I soon found out that she had went home to her parents. Unfortunately I found this out from the police officer who had been waiting for me to return home. He told me my wife made an accusation against me that I had threatened her 6 months earlier and because of that they were arresting me! Again, not only was my wife and kids gone but she had made sure I could not pursue her by making a false accusation against me.

Since Oct 3/13 I have had very little contact with my wife. I made the mistake early on of sending her a very heartfelt letter telling her I'd changed, that things would be better etc. My parents got involved and tried to convince her as well as her parents (since she was living with her parents) that she was making a mistake and needed to at least try to work on our marriage. Not surprisingly the more I pursued, the angrier she became, to the point in November and early December I received several very nasty emails from her and her parents saying what and awful husband and father I was. The messages also said there would be no chance of reconciliation.

I started reading the Divorce Remedy around Christmas time and began utilizing some of the techniques. Things did seem to get a bit better with my wife but she still is saying she wants a divorce and that there is no chance we she will even attempt to work on our marriage.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

[Scorp7]

I am starting work with a telephone coach so I'm praying that will get things going in the right direction. If in time my W is at least willing to work on our relationship so we can at the very least co parent as well as possible then I am hoping to ask her to see Michele Weiner Davis with me. I definitely am not giving up hope, I believe the best thing for our kids is for my W and I to be together.

I can totally understand why my W left like she did. She has always been a pleaser and never wanted to disappoint me so telling me she was unhappy would have been very difficult for her. I was for sure a controlling husband and I too often let myself become negative about things rather than enjoy what we have. Both my W and myself are very insecure and we didn't deal with that very well.

I have been working very hard on myself and I was doing very well in the first two months after she left because I believed there was no way my W wouldn't at least give me a chance again. We never had been separated and I had no idea how unhappy she was, she told me she would never leave, but in hindsight I think I knew and couldn't face it. In the past two months I have started to feel totally drained. I'm not slipping back into being the guy I was before but hearing from my W that it's over has really sent me back on my heels. This has been very hard on our kids and that is so hard to see, I just want to give them their family back again but with all of the issues fixed.

I would appreciate any help that is out there.

[LITB]

Welcome to the boards Scorp.

That really suks the way your W made her exit. You said it was a false accusation. What did you do to clear your name? I hope you did something, because that could be used against you down the road. However, if you cleared your name, you can keep that ace up your sleeve.

Another thing that you mentioned, is that things would be different if your W returned. What will be different? How are you different today, than when she left?

[AnotherStander]

Scorp, the first thing I thought when I read that your W was all happy-happy in the morning and then gone with the kids in the afternoon was that this is a woman who is very afraid of you. That was before I read the accusation part. I know you said it was a false accusation, but please understand that even if you've never laid a hand on her that does NOT mean you haven't abused her. I would be surprised if she reacted that way if you've always been a loving, caring H that never raised your voice. Most men who abuse their W's don't even know they're doing it. I'm not saying you did, but I am saying you -might- have and that you don't realize it. I suggest you seek out an IC so you can explore this, because I really doubt your W is that scared of you for no reason.

[Scorp7]

Thanks Cadet, LITB and Another stander, I appreciate your responses!

Cadet- I am working on myself big time and I've made a ton of progress. I've reconnected with friends and family, exercise regularly, play guitar and sing a lot etc. I still have a lot of work to do but I'm getting there. I am having problems detaching though, I love my wife unconditionally so it's hard to let go of that. I am taking things one day at a time to say the least and I'm just looking for very minor improvements between my W and myself.

LITB - My outlook on life has changed drastically. I had been taking the most important things in life for granted because I believed they would always be there. I then worried about things that didn't matter so much and that led to losing my family.

I now see the good side of things much more. I spend less time worrying about the past or the future and concentrate on right now. I am putting my wife and kids before anything else no matter what. The biggest change overall is that I realized I let myself get into a dark place, I was very depressed and I let that effect my family. No matter what happens that will never happen again. I also will never let my insecurities rule my actions. My insecurity led to everything else so even though I am still working on that I am not letting it effect me from doing the right things.

AnotherStander - You're right, I now know my wife was afraid of me. I at times did raise my voice to her and was far too critical. I put pressure on her a lot too which was awful for me to do. Over the past two years especially when things in our life became too much I let my depression control me and I didn't deal with it well at all. I relied on my W to help me through it and she was already depressed and exhausted herself.

I have been getting a lot of support since the day this started and that has helped me to really turn things around. I see a counselor on a regular basis and that's been good. My biggest issues was that I had never really learned to let go of painful things from my past and carrying all that around stopped me from being happy. I've let all that stuff from the past go and it's felt amazing. I'll never let that happen again and I am committed to getting better every day.

I do love my W completely. So much that if I didn't truly believe that things would be different I would never ask her to try to work on our marriage. I am 100% convinced that we can be very happy together and our kids deserve that so I won't give up. I am staying patient and trying to be the best Dad I can be and the best friend I can be to my wife. From there, I don't know what will happen but in time I think anything is possible.

[LITB]

I am having problems detaching though, I love my wife unconditionally so it's hard to let go of that.

Hey Scorp, I suggest to google "livestrong developing detachment". It will give you a better understanding what detachment means.

I am staying patient and trying to be the best Dad I can be and the best friend I can be to my wife. From there, I don't know what will happen but in time I think anything is possible.

All of this ^^^^ is very important. Honestly, you are off to a great start.

[Scorp7]

Thanks LITB. There have been a lot of hard days but I'm getting stronger. It's hard not having my W and kids with me everyday but there is always a chance we could be again. The only way tht will happen is if I continue to improve myself daily.

[Scorp7]

I am still trying to decide if I should do more than being supportive of my W. Of course with Feb 14 coming up I'm wondering if I should do something but not sure that it would be accepted very positively.

My W had said a couple of months ago she doesn't want gifts from me but as Cadet said "Believe none of what she says and half of what she does". Would sending flowers be totally out of the question?

Besides that, I had been planning to record me playing and singing our favorite song and then putting that to a video compilation of moments from our time together. That won't be ready for Feb 14th but waiting longer to give her that may be wise anyway. It would take a lot of time and effort on my part and my W has always appreciated gestures like that much more rather than simply buying something.

Thoughts?

[LITB]

Your questions are easy. Do not send her anything. It is pursuing big time and you will come away very disappointed. It isn't going to have the affect that you hope for.

Before you get to sending your W anything, you have to keep working on your changes. They have to be genuine, believable and consistent over a long period of time.

Right now, you have to set your expectations to 0.

On another note, I don't remember if you mentioned if you get to spend time with your children. Do you get to spend time with them given the accusation by your W?