This, That and The Other

[BklynMom]

Thanks for your feedback Labug.

I have to remind myself that I can not measure who is right and who is wrong. I am always look to quantify things like a poll broadcast on CNN.

Initatally I believe I was 90& to blame and husband 10% then I was convinced me 48% and him 52%. Then I thought that was wrong and I thought I need to keep investigating until I new for sure what percentage was me and what percentage was him. I thought if I could pin point this truth then I could resolve this problem.

Anyway I know that my scientific study is silly. I need to live in the gray.

[labug]

Ohhhhhh Bk, living in the gray, truer words were never spoken. I kept score so much in our M and there was either a right or a wrong, no gray, ever.

That's what this journey has given me, perspective.

[labug]

This came from Lynne Forrest today (she has a great explanation of the victim triangle).

When we work on ourselves, question & reframe the thoughts we believe, WE change - in the way we see things, in the way we feel, and act, towards others.

And when we do - miracle of miracles! - the other changes too!

Others respond better, in the way they treat us, not from confronting them, but as a result of OUR OWN shift in consciousness

This has been my experience.

Our own growth also makes it easier to recognize the people we no longer want in our lives.

[unbidden]

labug, I've been following you for years and find your personal growth to be so admirable. Sorry for any hijack ...

[labug]

Not a hijack at all. Thanks for the comment.

It's pretty quiet here.

[loualea]

Hi Labug

The stealing joy from today resounded so strongly with me.
I love reading your posts and replies..
I am a recovering control freak.. for the same reasons you described.. more stress led to more control
my H identified that clearly as a reason he sees the marriage as over..he is now so thin skinned with any statement that I find myself qualifying every comment I make..

I so very consciously do not control.. or pursue or do what i see as best for others.. whether they think so or not..feels like a sort of fake way to live..how did you change that feeling.. if you ahd it?

[Rick1963]

"I so very consciously do not control.. or pursue or do what i see as best for others.. whether they think so or not..feels like a sort of fake way to live..how did you change that feeling.. if you ahd it?"

Bugsy hope you don't mind I give this^^a shot .

Loualea, you can always do right by others as long as you don't force it on them. People have the right to make dumb decisions. When I hear control freak I see a perfectionists. Being a perfectionists is similar to what MWD calls Cheeseless Tunnel. It is impossible to achieve perfection and you will spin your wheels for eternity and never achieve it. The way you change that feeling is by just giving up, let go. Acknowledge that it is not your job and that you are not in control of others.

Ask yourself this whenever you get the urge to change someone else. How would I feel if someone wanted me something else?

[loualea]

HI Rick
appreciate the thought. and help .
I know what I was and I am working so hard to not do that.. yes i am a perfectionist.. for myself. I consciously do not expect that of anyone else..

It is more when it impacts on me.. I asked if he is willing to help me organise a kitchen in my new apartment..? It is truly a question. If he does not want to cannot or whatever then really it is fine. I have no clue what he might say so have no expectations..

he said he did not know...so I need someone who speaks the language.. if not him then I will ask someone else..

so the answer leaves me no where.. if I organise someone else I will be wrong, he will say he changed things to fit in..( I have lived this scenario already)
..if I do not organise someone I am putting pressure on and trying to manipulate

If I say nothing then he is offended I did not ask. When I say I thought it would be an additional stress he says I am managing him..and around it goes..

I don't want, need or even care to change him..but I feel manipulated..
I guess leave him out of the equation but as I have been advised to maintain a connection on this practical level ahh it is all too hard.

[labug]

Just because he says you're controlling doesn't mean it's always true.

Why did you ask him to help organize your kitchen? Because of the language barrier?

If that's the case, I would ask someone else or attempt to do it myself.

If he doesn't like it, it's your kitchen, he doesn't have to like it.

About the control issue, we often don't do it consciously. Slowing down, examining motives, asking yourself "why am I asking/saying that?", letting go of outcomes allows us to see our patterns and begin to change them.

[labug]

H and I had a talk yesterday about the always dangerous marital issue of porch furniture!

Seems trivial but it's these little issues that occur on a regular basis that get the resentment snowball rolling. Before you know it, it's big enough to bury you.

I wanted to make furniture out of pallets for our front porch. I like to recycle things, I'm creative, I've done similar projects in the past and this was a great opportunity (I thought).

H was hesitant, but he didn't say, "No, I'm not going for that." He hemmed and hawed. Yesterday we were on a bike ride and saw a stack of about 5 pallets. Yes! I said "You and S21 could come get those later."(I had to go to work) His response, "I'm not going to do that, it'll be a lot of work (I hadn't asked him to do anything but pick them up) and will end up looking tacky! I don't want them on my front porch."

We were through the hemming and hawing stage and went straight to p!ssed off and attacking.

I took a deep breath and thought about this as we continued to ride. I could see how we had done this our whole married lives, he not able to risk confrontation with a straight out no until he's p!ssed, me seeing that hemming and hawing as an opening to keep pushing for what I wanted. From my current perspective it's pretty easy to see how that resentment builds from these little inconsequential issues.

I would have been angry and hurt and gone on the defensive. I would have pouted, he would have shut down...You know the drill. We wouldn't have resolved anything, just added another layer to that resentment snowball.

So, what to do?

I read recently that we often say I love you but...and as we see written here often, when you say but, everything that comes before it is negated. The advice was to say I love you and...so I tried that.

When we got home I said "I love you and about the porch furniture, if you disagree with something I want to do, I'd like for you to tell me No from the get go. It's confusing when you don't and telling me how tacky it was going to look hurt. (my creativity is a big part of what makes me, me) If you say no, I can deal with that. I may not like it but it won't be the end of the world. I'll get over it."

H: I thought you would understand by what I said that I didn't want pallet furniture on the porch.

LB: It's too hard to try and figure out what you mean or to read your mind and I could come to a completely wrong conclusion. My conclusion was, you weren't closed to the idea but needed convincing.

H: OK, I get it. I don't want pallet furniture on the porch.

This isn't easy because it's not yet automatic like our old responses were but it gets much better results. It's getting easier the more we practice it. It does take slowing down, letting go of outcomes and the need to be rigth, examining motives and keeping the R first.

We have friends who just did 11 days on the Appalachian Trail and next year plan to do the whole enchilada. I see Rs much like that, some days the trail is easy, some days it might rain and be a mucky mess. One day you're on the mountaintop, the next may bring a long deep valley. The trick is to keep the overall goal in mind and just do what you need to do each moment of each day.