This, That and The Other

[labug]

So, back to my life.

I posted this

I'll tell you a story in realtime. I'm moving through anger with my H right now. We had a disagreement about plans for later today. I could feel my anger coming up in me and I disengaged. Went for a bike ride, came home and he had to leave for his guitar lesson.

I needed to be away from him to figure out just exactly what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling that and how to deal with it.

I'm feeling hurt because it seems to me that he disregarded my feelings. (You know this before he does ) He didn't do that intentionally so we need to talk about it more and come to a decision that works for both of us.

I had to sit with the anger and let it pass to figure that out.

I need to have an open mind to hear him out. I couldn't do that with anger clouding my brain

on another thread last week and wanted to follow-up on it here.

I won't relate the word-for-word conversation that happened the next morning (mostly because I can't remember it word-for-word)but can explain my thought process as I worked my way through this.

I thought about who I wanted to be when H got home from his guitar lesson. The old me would have been pouty, angry, withholding affection, concerned only for my feelings. The real me wants to show love and respect for my M and my H even in the bad times. So when he came home, I greeted him with a hug, a kiss and an ILU.

I still wasn't ready to talk more at that time. I knew I would when ready because in the past I swept these things under the rug and then made another check mark in the resentment column in my brain.

The next morning after breakfast we talked. I started with, I want to talk about what happened yesterday, looking straight at him, making eye contact. His immediate response was "I know I hurt your feelings" I agreed that I was hurt but told him I knew that wasn't his intention. Then I stated my need and listened to what he had to say, what his needs were and we were able to negotiate something that will work for both of us. We also talked about how much easier and better this process was, compared to our past conflict resolution experiences.

So what was different? What worked?

I-
1. didn't get angry and move immediately to my corner, sulking.
2. recognized when my anger was building and backed off to let it pass. Some times anger is appropriate, sometimes it isn't. I won't know that if I just react every time it comes up.
3. clarified my goal.
4. didn't withhold affection as punishment.
5. actually thought about my response. (novel idea, huh?)
6. took my H's feelings into account, I din't blame him (he'd had stressful week with some health issues)
7. didn't use the words you, always, never etc.
8. looked at the problem from a R POV, not just my POV or H's POV but what was best for the R.
9. did recognize I had a need and figured out the best way to present that to H. I didn't play the long-suffering "Oh I'm fine, I have no needs" victim and then feel sorry for myself and place blame when my needs weren't met.
10. LISTENED!

This went really well and it so easly could have been an absolute mess! I was talking with my IC yesterday, and said it's amazing how these little interactions of just a few minutes can reveal so much. To which she replied, "But it's taken a lot of work to get here." There really are no "little" interactions.

It has been a lot of work, I was a died in the wool persecutor/victim. I see it so clearly now.

Sometimes I'm afraid the "new" me will disappear in a poof of smoke and I'll be that unhappy mess again. But the more interactions I have like the one above, the less I'm worried about that.

All this happened on Sun, IC on Mon and then Mon afternoon I get this in my inbox from a subscription called F*ck Feelings:

"Marriage requires a lot of sacrifice, and while surrendering some independence and half your Netflix subscription fees are worth it, the ability to keep strong emotional reactions from screwing up rational judgment is not. Sometimes, marital conflict will cause you to blame yourself unfairly, just to restore peace, and other times, you’ll blame your partner unfairly, to head off a situation that scares you. In any case, don’t forget that you can make an independent judgment without blaming or demeaning your spouse. Give yourself time, use normal business practices, and you’ll always find a positive way to discuss your differences and stand by both your vows and your own vision of what’s right and wrong."

I CAN do this.

[labug]

Wanted to add that the subscription I mentioned above really helped me learn to work through what I'm feeling and why and then be able to express it to myself and others.

I knew it was working when I would ignore it for a month or so cause they'd so pissed me off trying to get me to take responsibility for me.

The nerve!

[Wonka]

Bug,

subscription called F*ck Feelings:

Really??! There's one that's actually called this ^^ for real?!

[labug]

google is your friend, Wonka.

[KGirl]

Question for you, labug (I think this is the right place to ask it?) I think I read somewhere in your threads that you and your H were high school sweethearts. My H and I are, too, and part of my struggle in dealing with all this is thinking about how I've spent my entire adult life with H and how that affects trying to find "myself" in all this. All of my memories - everything from prom and high school graduation to college sporting events, living in the dorms, moving into my first apartment, getting a pet, hobbies and outings, etc. etc. all involve H and it's hard to separate him out of all that "life". It's hard to follow the advice of "be who I was before I met him" because I was 17! Did you feel similar and how did you get past it to get to a place of being OK no matter what the outcome?

[labug]

Yes, I did and think about how many years of memories I had. Add the fact that we had kids together and it was truly tough.

But you get there, those memories become just what they are, memories. The veil of sadness faded.

All we have is today.

[labug]

I've been thinking I need to get back to AlAnon, not because of a drinking relapse but because of a relapse of my inner turmoil. It's not a lot of turmoil but it's more than I want. I've let go of some important self-care things, I need to get back on track.

I used to go to 3-4 meetings and week and it's been over a year since I've attended even one. I miss the support of people who are working on their stuff.

There are a couple of blogs I read that help and going back to those has made me miss the live support. Getting and staying healthy is a daily practice that often requires support from others.

So I'll go to a meeting.

Life is otherwise pretty d@mn good. H shows me regularly that he's listening and hearing. He asked me out to dinner last night of his own volition. Things don't happen on my time line but they do happen, so the obvious answer is to drop the time line, right? And keep doing the work.

I hope I'm also listening and hearing, I'm working to be present and honest and clear and loving in my communication.

Patience was not my strong suit, I wanted things and I wanted them now!

Life is better with patience.

Have a great week.

[makingmagic]

I hope I'm also listening and hearing, I'm working to be present and honest and clear and loving in my communication.

I love the way that sounds... I aspire for that too.

Good luck labug!!

Keep it up!!

[labug]

Thanks, Magic. It is a practice.

[labug]

This weekend I was decluttering in the bedroom and in the drawer of my nightstand I found the initial financial disclosure paperwork I received from the lawyer I visited 3 years ago.

I threw it away.