work is good; H is crazy

[Whiterose]

This was my response
We do. My lawyer came back today, and if I recall correctly yours is back the 22nd, at which time you will receive our response.

H: we got nothing back at all....
Your lawyer had contacted my lawyer's office about support so she was in town...the date to respond was feb 4

Me: you will receive my response when your lawyer returns

H: that was not what was asked in the letter
I understand you are taking advantage of him being on vacation but I put a date on the letter for a reason
We can sort a lot of this stuff out on our own with out lawyers

Each message was sent a few minutes apart.

I don't understand how he thinks he can be all threatening and angry and then be like we can do this without lawyers.....I'm not responding to the continued texts Eric:)

[job]

WR,
You can't reason w/someone who is irrational. If he responds again, advise him that it is in your lawyer's hands and that your lawyer will be responding. End of story...don't get into a text match w/him. If he wants to find out anything more, he can contact your lawyer himself and get shot down.

You are paying good money for a lawyer to represent you...let that lawyer deal w/his lawyer on this.

[ericmsant2]

WR,

I do not believe that you always respond to H. I not saying this..err...writing this to upset you. If I have I am sorry.

IMO, you are not being rude - if you do not respond to somethings. Here are a few examples (they are the extremes)

1 - God forbid, the boys get into an accident. I wouid respond to any text related to that.

2 - H texts you about legal stuff. I would NOT always respond.

3 - H sends a nasty text. I would never respond.

So in the context of his text to you...

"I have been trying to understand this but can't figure it out. Why you chose not to respond to my last letter from the lawyer?"

I would not respond. Why? Why do you need to keep him in the loop about things that your L is doing?

When I was going through this with my XW the hardest thing for me to do was detaching from my XW. For me, I felt that I needed to respond to be "nice", so that i was not "rude"...etc. The deeper reasons though...were because I was HOPING that she would "see" the new me, that somehow she was interpret my responses in a postive light...that somehow on some level I could "talk, convince" her in a subtle way..that I could show her what she was giving up.

On some level this is normal. Sometimes though it can just make it harder to really detach.

I learned to ask myself a few questions before I would respond to anything.

1) Does it impact the kids?
2) What is the purpose of my response and does that purpose line up with my goals?

For me at the time, my goal was total detachment - so I choose many times NOT to respond.

At the end of the day, you need to feel comfortable with whatever/however you want to interact with H. So take what I say with a grain of salt.


Peace,
Eric

[ericmsant2]

WR - sorry I was typing my response when you sent yours in.

I agree with Job.

You do not need to respond or even provide a reason to him.

If you do, know why and what your goal is.

[Whiterose]

Oh please don't think you upset me Eric, you have not, I'm just probably saying it more for my benefit.

That's a great list, I'll need to keep those questions in mind for future messages. It was suggested that good DBing would be to say that we can do this without lawyer (validate) but I don't think he's in a place to negotiate with me and is going to freak out when he sees my response letter

I guess I'm still in standing place but I'm on a fence and the wind is blowing and I don't know which way the wind will blow me......

[ericmsant2]

I guess I'm still in standing place but I'm on a fence and the wind is blowing and I don't know which way the wind will blow me..

Know what is cool?

YOU get to decide which side of the fence you land on and even cooler than that.....

YOU can sit on one side today and another tomorrow.

It is all YOU.

YOU have the choices and .....the freedom to change your mind at any point.

don't think he's in a place to negotiate with me and is going to freak out when he sees my response letter

He may freak regardless of the letter says. Then again...if you probably offered to move out, give him the house, the kids, all of the furniture, offer to come into the house only to cook and clean - then promptly leave. Hand over all retirement, offer to drive him around, hand over your entire pay check for the rest of your life, ask "how high" every time he says jump, pay all legal fees (including his attny), assume 100% of all debt, pay all school fees for the kids, and all of his living expenses in addition to handing over all of your income and really just understand that everything is all YOUR fault....

Well then maybe he will not be upset

You can... though keep your cloth

[Whiterose]

You're exactly right Eric, I get to choose, when I know, I'm guessing, I'll know. I have a great way of falling to one side of the fence then getting back on it and falling on the other side and back on it ..... Lol

I haven't, yet, responded to his text about going without lawyers, I'm a bit of a chicken I think. I want what I'm entitled to but I know he'll get angry and spew and I don't want to go through that. On the other hand, he may not, and we could save money, and it gives me an opportunity to db as we have so little contract it's hard for me to show him the changes I've made.......

Not sure yet

[Portia]

WR

Still dancing with H, I see.

You have more power than you know. And I know how exhausting this is for you.

Here is my nickel's worth, take or leave what you will.

You have retained a lawyer to protect your interests and that of your older children. Your H has been reluctant to pony up anything of his own volition. In fact, not so long ago you were concerned how you were going to make your mortgage payments. Do you honestly think that you and your H can work out these details? You are already nervous about his reactions.

Please do not confuse DBing with the business side of things, for your own protection. Giving in to his demands is not validating him. Let the lawyers handle it. Let your boys handle their relationship with their father, they are old enough.

WR, in the end these choices are up to you. You know your life, needs and situation best. Take care of you.

[Whiterose]

You make very valid points Portia. I agree with your assments. I'm already nervous of his reaction, based on past experiences, and I'm not willing to sacrifice our future on "trying out his mood"

Thank you so much!!

[ericmsant2]

WR

Well said by Portia - pretty much to the point.

I'll only add....stop being afraid of him. Stop being afraid to stand up for you.

Is the money that you may save worth the grief and fustration of dealing with H?

Peace,
Eric