What's your (and everyone else's) thoughts on me starting to reality dart W? (basically letting her know I won't stay forever in a non-physical, sexless marriage)
The way I see it, I have no choice but to move ahead with this plan, or the ants will eat me alive. Still, I'd hate to lose her if she was just about to come around. Then again, without a push maybe she never will. Even so, I know her past and all the pain she is dealing with, so I have much compassion for her.
On the other hand this could go on forever and I'd like to be intimate again before it requires the ingestion of performance enhancing pills.
See where I'm at?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
More talks about the future. "What would you like to do, where would you like to be, etc" Listen and take notes. Show her that I have dreams too. Show her possibilities of working as a team to reach our goals. I actually done this early in the sitch, and we did openly talk about things, but she doesn't see any possibility of ever finding that 'spark'.
Touch more. Monitor response and go forward from there. If she pulls back say something like "that seems to have made you uncomfortable, I never meant to do that." Then ask WHY she felt that way, and if there is anything I can do to better. Maybe even ask if there is anything SHE intends to do about it.
Mention specific actions that would mean a lot to me if she did them... Brush hair, hold hands, hug, etc. Start small.
Basically, I want to explain that I won't wait forever for a physical relationship with my W, but hopefully without painting myself in a corner, where if I don't call her on it, then she knows I'm content with things as they are.
The problem is if I DON"T start saying/asking for more, I'm afraid I WILL eventually blow up and toss down a sort of ultimatum, and I'm not ready for that, cause as you noted UR, things are going pretty good over here.
If W could just find it in her to give me something, just a little, then I would find it so much easy to dislodge these pesky ants!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, I don't see a problem w/your ideas...but keep your expectations at zero just in case she's not up to doing them. You might "suggest" instead of tell when you speak to her. Use words like how about we try or you try this or what if we tried this, etc....can you see where I'm going w/this? If your ideas come across as suggestions, she might be more receptive to trying them.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yep, your ideas/suggestions are a good way to get feedback from W on her thought process regarding intimacy.
One thing I do want to comment in regard to W's perceived lack of "spark" between you two. One way to approach this would be to discuss the differences between infatuation, mature love and that limerence that rH so eloquently explains in her thread. You might be surprised to hear what W's thoughts are on this...be flexible as each one of you will have valid POVs on this particular topic.
In life you will come to a crossroad with a choice to go right or left. The illusion when you reach this crossroad is that you actually have the choice to go right or left....because you really don't. Yours is to accept that life will send you down the road upon which a much earlier choice you made actually affect the outcome of the present crossroad.
So be wise in your choices....and aware of the crossroad.
Patience when making choices will usually lead you down the path to what you want.
Just a question.....what do you do for YOU? I ask because maybe, you need to show her via actions that you will not be around forever. Do you do things outside that do not involve her, bowling, golf, etc? If you do, maybe you start planning more of these type events and create a bit of mystery around what you are doing.
Just a thought.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
First, I'd like to give credit where credit is due. "that seems to have made you uncomfortable, I never meant to do that." (or something close to this) came from our friend T2. I failed to point this out in a previous post.
Job: "suggest rather than tell" I like.
Wonka: "discuss the differences between infatuation, mature love and that limerence" At BD, W talked about never feeling it for me, (I know, rewriting and script) and how it would be so nice to find that with someone for once in her life. My comment was yes, then after a couple years when that's gone, what then?
Several weeks later, in a discussion W snapped that she knows those (limerence) feelings won't last. So there does seem to be some realization of the types of love there. But yes, I agree it may be time for more discussions about this!
Most telling is W's behavior. Even though in the beginning she talked a lot about leaving, and finding "passion" (her words) with somebody new, here we are two years later and she hasn't done either. And she hasn't talked about it for well over a year now.
Meanwhile I've been the H only a fool would leave.
Even though the ants say it's time for some changes, I have to believe that what I've done up until now HAS worked.
LFW: Very wise words. Are they yours? I sometimes talk of getting antsy, and even mention ultimatums and such. But when it comes down to it I'm more of a calm, rational, and dare I say even patient person. No matter what happens, I'm unlikely make/take any hasty choices or actions here.
Eric: Yes, I do plenty of things on my own. I'm not going to list them all here because this post is long enough. I will say that it matters little to W. She's into herself and doesn't care much what I do outside. Hell, I tell her I'm going out to a meet-up group and she doesn't even ask where or for what. So all this outside stuff I do is for me. Exactly what I want to do and be. This being the case, I will add to or change none of it solely in the hopes that it will make her take note or turn around.
Thanks Team!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hey FY, I love your suggestions and the others, too. You know I have felt for quite some time that you needed to do something different. I know all about those pesky ants you guys have. LOL!
Your sitch is different than most. And as much as I can offer advice, you have to follow your gut.
My gut has rarely disappointed me.
She does need to see that you will not stay in a marriage like this forever. I dont think she will unless you show her in some way.
So, slow and steady, yes? Pick one thing, try it out, let it lie for a bit.
