Thanks MrBond. I couldn't have gotten to where I am as a person, without you and the rest of the people on here. I am FOREVER in debted to you all!
Im going to keep updating everyone on my sitch as it hopefully prgresses into something excellent.
Need opnions and advice. Innour chat, I told W that her habit of having all male friends was not acceptable and does not safeguard her heart from predators. She still doesn't really agree, although not as strongly as before all of this. When do I start pushing this? Or should I? I mean, its only been a couple weeks and she has set up dates with her girlfriends etc.. but she still has all these guy friends. It annoys me to no end.
Interesting point. Also during our chat, I had told her she had started losing some of her close friends because of the A as people were made very uncomfortable. They all know me and have been our friends throughout our 14 year journey together. But they were here friends mostly. She didnt agree....
Yesterday she said all her friends were coming out of the woodworks and calling her to see if she wants to do stuff again. When I comment that its because they distanced but are now more comfortable being around her, she went quiet. But then she said she stll doesn't see when they ever left her side. Are all people in an A that blind?!!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM, it sounds like things are going well - I am happy for you!
I did want to point out one thing . . . it seems as though you are acting a bit patronizing here and there. Watch that.
Just because things are looking up doesn't mean you should stop DBing. And please don't keep score or get on a soap box with her. When she said her friends are coming out of the woodwork, tell her that's great. Have fun with your friends. Why do you need to point out that they left her side when she was in an A? Or that the only reason they are friends with her again is because she is back with you?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Good point, thank you ladies! Ill watch that from now on.
Any input on how to approach the guy friends?
Gabbysmom I'm with you on affairs and not being sure if I could move forward. Had my wife played all the games that I've seen on here, and lied about where she was, and kept it secret for months or years etc I would not be able to still be with her.
The only reason I am able to put this behind me is that she only talked with OM (no emotional affairs are not innocent I know) for a few days before bomb drop. I confirmed way back at the beginning by snooping that there was no physical contact until after she told me she was not happy with me and was leaving. She was very VERY honest aboit her feelings and never once lied to me throughout this sitch.
When I told her I appreciated her honesty (during our piecing chat) she said that just because she wasn't happy with me, didn't mean she didn't respect me as father of her child and her best friend etc.. and that she would never lie to me and hurt my feelings like that.
So betrayal was really quite minimal in our case. And I'm thankful for that because we don't have to overcome trust issues. I knew she had guy friends, and I knew she talked to them sometimes about our issues, and she told me when she began to have feelings for someone else, and she always told me the truth about when she had seen OM. There was literally zero lieing. And in some ways I have a lot of respect for her for that. As my DB coach said to me, she gets brownie points for her honesty. She is not a liar. So now that's why its critical for me to get through to her about the male friends because that was really the cause of this...
Her unhappiness caused her to not me attached to me, but her friendliness with other men is what caused her to develop feelings for someone else. And her low self esteem is what caused those feelings for OM to get so intense so quickly. Feeling good about herself became worth all the destruction in the world!
So how do I approach the male friends issue?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
So that was excellent last night! Dinner was very pricey, unexpectedly. We had checked out the menu online before making reservations but their prices were not printed. Dont you hate it when they do that?
Points of conccern:
1) I was getting dressed and she had already put on a gorgeous dress that was very form fitting. As soon as I walked passed her she said "what, no comment? If I was knocking your socks off, you would have already commented on how good I look". Spent the rest of the time we were getting ready trying to make it up and saying how nice she looks but she said it wa prompted now.
2) when ww walked out into living room her dad said I looked sharp with my nice shirt and pants. So again she said what about me? Am I chopped liver? So I told her we are so used to you looking sharp and being well dressed. I usually look lie I'm homeless and that is why yoir dad commented then hr dad agreed that she always looked good and gave her a hug and apologized.
3) at the restaurant she sat very stiff and kept adjusting her hair. She was so preoccupied with how she looked. I told her i was so happy to be out with the most beautiful woman in the world. But that I want her to loosen up and enjoy the evening with me. I said yes you for sure look gogeous, but I enjoy spending time with you even when you wear your jeans with holes in them and tie your hair back. She said thank you I really appreciatr that, really appreciate that!.
4) she took a selfie pic of both of us and posted it to facbook. Then kept on checking her phone and saying wow twenty likes, wow twenty five likes etc. Not sure if she was happy so many people liked that we were getting back together or that she, or maybe we, lookd good.
This is all too much vanity and concern for looks. Her self esteem is SHOT. She was never ever like this! She had said on BD that I ruined her self esteem but now I'm seeing that one year with OM didn't help much either. No doubt her being cheated on by OM was a big factor because of how he was the mechanism by which she was judging her beauty and therefore her self worth.
How do I help her wth self esteem? I can say she is beautiful until I'm blue in the face, its not helping much. There are situations like the ones I outlined above, all the time!!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
In my opinion YOU DON’T! Self esteem comes from within and it is not something for you to give!
…but also: Pay more attention to her, look at her as a stranger that you are dating for the first time….wouldn’t you have complimented her if this was your first date??? Beginners mind! ….remember?
Think back to when the two of you met: What did you do? What did you say?
I keep my fingers crossed for the two of you
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
A billion years ago you were here telling us you didn't know how to compliment and that was a problem in your marriage.
She might lack self esteem, which is not for you to fix.
But you lack empathy that would enable you to provide the love language that speaks to her, and you should be working on learning better and practicing to be more attuned to what makes her happy, or you will have an unhappy wife on your hands again.
You have been way too focused on her affair chemicals imo, and on what she needs to fix, and need to turn your focus back on what you need to fix about you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
The advice you got back then on that topic was good; you might reread it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
So I told her I am now speaking as if I am a therapist not as H. And I lead her, all the while allowing her to tell me why she thought certain events happened, and what she feels her emotions where at the time, and how OM manipulated etc, then I would explain to her the how's of the event and the whys etc from all the pyshology and therapy materials inhad learned.
I basically gave her a crash course in affairs and the personalities of those who take part in them. I then ended the convo although she wanted to go on. I told her that was enough for one night
SM, this ^^^ concerns me greatly. We have warned you over and over again not to play Mister Fixit with her, yet here you go again. Just that first line "I am now speaking as if I am a therapist" really makes me cringe. Because you are NOT a therapist and you have no business speaking as one. Reading a few books makes you dangerous, not helpful. Your W needs a REAL therapist badly. And a REAL therapist is going to tell her things that are MUCH different than what you tell her, because you frankly don't know what you're talking about. And that is just going to confuse her. So STOP the counseling and leave that to the professionals.
You're seeing some great progress from your W, don't screw it up by trying to tinker!
So I told her I am now speaking as if I am a therapist not as H. And I lead her, all the while allowing her to tell me why she thought certain events happened, and what she feels her emotions where at the time, and how OM manipulated etc, then I would explain to her the how's of the event and the whys etc from all the pyshology and therapy materials inhad learned.
I basically gave her a crash course in affairs and the personalities of those who take part in them. I then ended the convo although she wanted to go on. I told her that was enough for one night
SM, this ^^^ concerns me greatly. We have warned you over and over again not to play Mister Fixit with her, yet here you go again. Just that first line "I am now speaking as if I am a therapist" really makes me cringe. Because you are NOT a therapist and you have no business speaking as one. Reading a few books makes you dangerous, not helpful. Your W needs a REAL therapist badly. And a REAL therapist is going to tell her things that are MUCH different than what you tell her, because you frankly don't know what you're talking about. And that is just going to confuse her. So STOP the counseling and leave that to the professionals.
You're seeing some great progress from your W, don't screw it up by trying to tinker!
x1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 This is an illustration of a problem that has been there since the very beginning and hasn't changed one bit. And needs to.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
then hr dad agreed that she always looked good and gave her a hug and apologized.