Hoping to still move forward, huge setback

[cbtdad]

Wife and I met with MC yesterday. It got a little heated wen discussing this past weekend. The MC asked me why I am having the feelings I am and I told him that it still hurts and that hurts turns into anger. MC agreed that this is an unusual situation that we are in because majority of the time when an affair ends the spouse who had the affair completely withdraws themselves from any contact with the other person and their friends and family.
I told him what I am really struggling with is the lack of affection that I feel from my wife. He said we would begin to dive ini this next week.
I've decided that beginning today until our appt on Jan2nd I am going to keep a daily journal on my phone. I will include when she hugs me, says something negative, instigates sex, etc.
in that time I WILL not lose my temper or say anything about hanging out with other friends or things like that. I will not instigate sex. I figured I DB'd for so long that I can go 3 weeks to see what results come of it. I'm wondering if I truly put this all in the past and not bring up a single thing if I will see things begin to change.
We shall see

[lovethehub]

CBT,

I am happy for you, keep the lines of communication open - it is way too easy to get inside our own heads and create the wrong story.

Merry Christmas!

[lovethehub]

CBT,

I have been thinking about you and your W, esp the sex issue. After giving it some thought, I remember why I didn't want to have sex and it was the pressure. Even when H wasn't pursuing, he may not even have been mentioning it but it was there between us. I knew if we went out on a date, or went away, that it was expected. It wasn't natural, and even unspoken, the pressure was there and it was a huge turnoff for me. I remember going away together and we were on the beach and went back to the room for just a minute (not even 2 hours after arriving) and H wanted to have sex and started initiating it. I did just so it wouldn't cause a problem but I didn't want to because it felt forced.

I think you are really going to have to be patient here and be sure to give a lot of affection and whatever her LL is. Back off on the sex issue and I think you may see it turn around.

[cbtdad]

Thanks LTH! I have started to do that. Funny you say that.
My journaling has help me with this. I have started to notice a differnce with her already over the last couple of days. Most of the time we end up having sex is because I will say, " you in the mood for sex"
She responds, "not really, but fine if that's what you want"
So it's plainly obvious like you were saying.
My problem is my LL is physical touch, I crave it.
I woke up to her rubbing my back the other night while she was watching shows. It was so nice. It's not just sex, I love cuddling, hugging kissing.
PT isn't her thing though. Acts of service is. Which I have gotten so much better at.
Thanks for sharing LTH!

[AnotherStander]

My problem is my LL is physical touch, I crave it.
I woke up to her rubbing my back the other night while she was watching shows. It was so nice.

I'm curious if you let her know how much you liked it that she was rubbing your back without being asked? And I don't just mean "thanks that was nice" but opening up and telling her how you feel- "it really makes me feel loved when you do something like that for me without me requesting it, it's important to me and I wanted you to know how much I appreciate it!" Because if you say "thanks!" when she passed you the salt and "thanks!" when she gives you a back rub, she may not realize how much more important that back rub was to your emotional well-being. I know this is a BIG problem of mine, I always thanked my wife for all things big and small but until I read 5LL I didn't realize that while I was being polite, I was NOT communicating my wants/ needs to her.

[cbtdad]

AS, so funny you bring this up today.
We had an appointment with MC today and I talked about how nice it was. So we discussed it in depth like that. I am really doin a lot to let go of the past and slowly it seems to be making a difference.

[lovethehub]

Most of the time we end up having sex is because I will say, " you in the mood for sex"
She responds, "not really, but fine if that's what you want"

Please don't do this! This, at least for me, is a turnoff all on it's own. Women are not like men, as Dr. Phil says "Women need a reason, men need a place". I would much rather my husband rub my back, hold me, kiss me, hug me, etc.. so there is a feeling of some closeness before sex. Don't get me wrong, I am all for a quickie sometimes and don't need elaborate gestures, however, I don't want that all of the time. I hated when my H would say something like that, I finally told him how much it turned me off and he stopped.
I know he was doing it because it felt like less of a rejection to him if I said no to that than to his actual physical advances but I am much more open to the physical advances then "Are you in the mood?".

PT may not be your Ws primary LL but most of us like it (I can't remember if there was abuse in her childhood? If so, she may not like it. Otherwise, I think most people like it to some extent). So get in bed, hold your wife, gently rub her arm, back, etc. Do it without any expectation of sex. Sometimes, do it just to do it and other times you can try to take it further.

[cbtdad]

LTH, that's the problem. No kissing, no hugging, no hand holding, she doesn't like to cuddle, etc
So unless she just straight up says lets have sex I have no clue when or if she is in the mood. I'm having a hard time with this because I want sex. At least once a week or I get frustrated. It's just the way I'm wired.
It's something she knows about and she knows about the touching issues.
Like we discussed yesterday in MC, she knows how important PT is to me an it makes me feel loved.
The problem I'm having, like I'm discussing in MC, is that she hasn't always been like this. This started a couple o years ago. She was never into PT as much as me, but she didn't pull away when I tried to cuddle. She kissed. She instigated sex, etc
The other problem is the fact that for 6 months with an OM she did instigate sex, kiss, all those things I want. Yet she can't do that with me. Kind of hard not to take it personally.
Tonight she is going to a Christmas party where OM's friends and family will be at and very possibly OM hisself. She said she would be home by 10, but it still bothers me and she is going no matter what. I am trying very hard to keep my cool and not be angry about this.
Like I told her it is hurtful to me that she would go spend time with this guys fanily members and that I would i never do that to her because I care so much for her and her feelings.
This is not easy, I understand why she wants to go because im working late and there are actually other friends there as well.
It's just kills me when she says things like, "I don't want to be rude, I already said I would go"
I'm like its not ok to be rude to people you hardly know, but forget about my feelings and how much this hurts and how hard this is to get over, especially when you keep wanting to hang out with these people.
Just gets me upset. I'm trying to have a whole lot of patience!!

[labug]

So cbt, I'm going to be blunt.

What about this marriage do you want?

If this is all she can give you, are you OK with that?

[cbtdad]

I want my family together. I love my wife and I have actually fallen in love with here again. If this was to be the case a year from now, and we are still having no PT and those things then I would probably move forward.
I refuse to be in a sexless marriage as well as a marriage where I can't by physically loving in it. As I said before it wasnt always like this, otherwise I wouldn't have married her. I've noticed small changes over the past week. They have now been brought up in MC and I think that is starting point.
She is a lot more open to physical touch than she was a few months ago if that makes sense.
I think we will get back to that point or I wouldn't be fighting for this.
She is a great homemaker. Takes care of the house, our son and everything else.
It is really nice to come home to a clean house and warm dinner. This is something she didn't do 5 years ago and is something I want.
But it's happening now. Last night she told me she was happy and it felt really good. It was followed up by sex which she instigated:)