Learning from yesterday, Living for today!

[chasingpavements]

Journalling,

I have been having the same thoughts running around in my head for 2 days straight, ever since H told me that he has been carrying around resentment towards me ever since I moved in with him in 2003. I was shocked to say the least. It upsets me quite a bit.

On one hand, I have the feeling that I can't win.. he is always going to be mad at me about something. I also feel like I was unable to fix things because it was out of my control, as I didn't know the cause for his pain. How am I going to ever know if he is holding a grudge against me? I also feel guilty... guilty for causing him so much agony. Over the years I have had a constant feeling that I have done something wrong to upset him, and I didn't understand why.

Ok, now that I have got that off my chest I am going to forget it!

Ok... hitting myself with a 2x4 before anyone else does. Things are DIFFERENT now. It is NOT the same relationship we had 10 years ago. We have gone through a lot and learned from our mistakes and are coming out stronger. We are communicating better, we are opening up to each other. If things start getting off track again we will be secure enough in our relationship to confront the other person. And, when we do, the other person will be there for support. We will not shut each other out, and if we try the other will be there to call them on it. We will address our issues on our own, sometimes with the help of counseling.


He is opening up to me now, finally, after all of these years, that has got to be a good sign. He must feel comfortable and safe with me now, for whatever reason. I believe he feels confident in how things are going. Why now? Perhaps it took him leaving me to see things clearly. I think perhaps for all of these years he has placed all the blame on me and now he is coming to realize that we have both played a part.

I am feeling a very strange, hard to explain, mix of fear, happiness, elatement, and hope. Not sure how it is possible to feel all those things at once.

Taking a leap of faith...

-cp

[chasingpavements]

A few updates,

Looks like we are going to be starting MC at the end of the month! We have both been doing our IC and that has been working well for us. H booked us an appt for the end of the month with his counselor. Kind of caught me off guard! I thought he was going to prolong going to MC! lol. I think it's a good sign that he initiated it, this from the guy who doesn't usually initiate things!

He seems to really like her and he says he feels comfortable talking to her.. so that is a good start. I am a little worried that she may be biased to our situation as it is his counselor. I will give it a try and see if I like her. Her approach seems pretty unique, so I am interested in seeing what she is like.

It will be nice to start the counseling together. Does it make sense for me to continue with my individual counselor as well?

Y'all would be proud of me! I would love nothing more than to have H move back in right away. However, after reading everyone's comments I started thinking more about it.

We had a talk and it sounded like he was thinking of moving in by the holidays.

I told him that if he decided to move back in that I wanted him to think hard about it, that it was an important decision. I told him that if he did move in that I wanted him to be very certain about it, as I couldn't go through all of this again. I also know that he is worried he may be inconveniencing his brother by staying at his place. I told him today that I don't want his decision to be based on that. He kind of laughed and said it was for other reasons too obviously.

We are going to discuss it at the end of the month at our first marriage counseling appointment since reconciling!!! I am getting excited. Things are moving in a good direction for us!

-cp

[labug]

Sounds great, CP!

Yes, meet with the MCr and see what you think. Interview her so you get your questions answered. What is her unique approach?

I think MC and IC are very different, see how it works out for you.

All the best to you and H.

[chasingpavements]

Thanks labug. I think she will be good. She seems to understand my husband quite well..which is a task in itself as he is often so hard to read. lol.

I am feeling quite sad. I brought up the affection issue with my H this morning. I told him that I would like more affection. I expressed that when we were starting to reconcile he showed me lots of affection, and I felt so loved. I felt better than I have in years, that I didn't realize it was possible to have a marriage like that, that I was so happy and it felt so good.

I told him that I feel sad now because I feel like it's not like that anymore and asked what might have changed between then and now. He said that it feels awkward sometimes. He told me that he has spoken about affection with his counselor. He said that she feels that he might be holding back in order to punish me. I told him that sometimes it feels that way. I said that I didn't feel it was fair that he was only reaching out to be affectionate when he wanted to make love, and he agreed.

I feel so lost and alone right now and angry. I feel like I want to isolate myself from him in order to protect myself and my feelings. I recognize this is a pattern I often get into. At least I am recognizing it, although I don't know what to do.

Needing help and support, feeling so lost.

[labug]

This is a journey, a slow journey. We do have to be aware of baby steps.

Is even being able to have a conversation about feelings a step for him? For most men it certainly is. Applaud that. Not literally, but thank him for talking to you about it. And feel the power of that within you. Be happy.

Sometimes we get in the trap of wanting it all, RIGHT NOW, That's our anxiety, based on our expectations and ours to deal with. Don't put it on him.

Do you remember what you said when you brought the subject up?

Have you read the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It? (if I've mentioned it to you before, sorry) It really opened my eyes.

I'm thinking about buying it for my H. I think we're at that place now and when I initially read it I thought, "I wish I could share this with H."

[chasingpavements]

You're right labug.. a long journey and we are making progress. Sometimes I get overwhelmed.

Yes, it is progress for him to talk to me about these things. And he seems to be so driven to want to work on things. Even the fact that he has arranged the counselor for us to go to is a HUGE step for him, I was SO surprised!! Normally I would have to nag him about it,this time I didn't say anything at all!

We ended up having another discussion after I posted here. I was feeling so emotional and just burst out crying. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was feeling so sad about everything. He told me not to worry, that it will take time and that's why we are doing the counseling. (Even him saying that to me was big step for him!). I told him I was upset because things had started off more affectionate and now I felt we are moving backwards and I am missing the affection.

I asked him if I could tell him what I needed, or if he thought that was a bad idea since it might lead to me getting upset if it didn't happen how I imagined. He admitted that was a worry of his, but he encouraged me to tell him what I need. (again I was surprised at his reaction!)

I told him that for starters we could hug upon greeting and leaving each other, and I would like if he could initiate one kiss or hug during the day. He agreed that was reasonable. I told him that would help a lot.

So we made it through! I was all worked out of shape and thinking I would be upset during the holidays, all over something silly and we worked it out.

Sometimes tiny little things like that make me become fearful but I must realize this is a process and we are doing pretty good!

We seem to be having little breakthroughs here and there with our interactions. Like him calling me out when I am holding back on telling him something and me telling him how I feel when I would normally be too afraid. Also he is opening up to me quite a bit.

Ok, I will breathe now!!

[chasingpavements]

Do you remember what you said when you brought the subject up?

I said to him, I would like to talk to you about something. I am feeling sad that you have been less affectionate lately than you were when we first got together. That he was so affectionate at first and it made me feel so loved. That I was amazed at what it felt like, that our marriage could feel that way, but then things changed and it went away for some reason. And then I asked if he knows why that could be. And he said that sometimes things feel awkward. I asked him why and he didn't have an answer, he doesnt know why. I told him that it felt like he was affectionate mostly when he wanted to make love and it didn't feel fair. He agreed it wasn't fair.

He said he has brought the issue up to the counselor and she thought perhaps he was doing it to punish me. He told me that we wasn't doing it on purpose. He said he would like to address it at counseling instead of talking about it.

Have you read the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It?

I actually own the book and I will start reading it, it seems like it will be really helpful at this point for me and H.

thanks again labug!

-cp

[chasingpavements]

I am a little bit worried about his comment this morning. Subconciously he feels he punishes me by withholding affection from me. Should I be worried? I have felt this over the years, the feeling that I have done something wrong. Or that he is somehow making me pay for my mistakes. It makes sense now that I realize he had all of these resentments. Does he even like me? Has he ever? will he ever again? He is coming clean now and opening up, yet I still wonder sometimes. Am I wasting my time on someone that doesn't or will never care about me?

What can I do now? I am trying so hard, but does it matter at all if he doesn't recognize who I am now versus who I was back then? Will he ever be able to truly forgive me?

Hopefully I will get a lot of answers during our counseling.

[chasingpavements]

Labug and Ambivalent, hopefully you can provide me with some input on this one.

I have taken into consideration your thoughts regarding H's moving back in. My initial reaction was that of course I would love for him to move back in, because I miss him! But after thinking long and hard I am more hesitant.

I am on the receiving end of being abandoned by someone, so for me his moving back in feels very significant. I want for it to be for the right reasons. How do I express to him my concerns? I feel that if he were to move back in I would like for it to be permanent, and for him to feel confident in his feelings for me. I want it to mean 'for better or worse' we will work on things as a team, and work through any issues. He hasn't told me he loved me since before February. Is that reason enough for him to not move in?

What I DON'T want is for him to move back in, merely because things feel comfortable and he is having fun and doesn't want to stay at his brothers anymore.

P.S. I have started reading the book! It makes a lot of sense. There was a part where the husband and wife were arguing about the wife being cold. H and I have had that exact argument over and over again where I say I am cold and he replies with, "You can't be cold. The theromostat is set at 24!" hehe.

[chasingpavements]

He says he would like to move back in. I asked him why and he said that he would like to work on things while living here because it would be easier for us to work on things if he is in the house. He is not 100% sure about us right now. Although he did say that he was 100% committed to working on our relationship and that he wasn't before. (he is talking about in the spring when we did marriage counseling the first time around).

I explained to H what the significance of his moving back in would mean to me. It would mean that he was certain about things, and that I would want to know that he wouldn't be moving back out again.

I told him it was a big deal to me. I told him that I don't even know if he loves me. He then told me that yes, he does love me. He said he wasn't sure about it before. I asked if it would be weird if I told him that I loved him once in a while. He says it might be awkward because he feels it would be awkward to respond to it at this point. I think everything feels so strange for him right now.

So, my question. He loves me and is 100% committed to working on things. However there is still uncertainty about us working out, although his heart seems to really be in it. His living apart from me is taking a toll on me and I don't think it has been helping matters. Now I have to decide whether we are going to do this living together or apart.