Time to move on?

[Accuray]

Shawn your post #2430001 above was totally awesome. The revelation that you cannot set the table for her happiness in any meaningful way is also a painful learning that I have gone through. For years I felt like if I just satisfied W's next extravagant ask, or accommodated this or that specific thing then the road would be paved for her happiness, but it never works out that way.

I agree with Adinva and Labug, what purpose will another conversation serve? Why not just file and make that the basis of your next conversation? If anything changes you can revoke the filing or delay the process at any time.

Acc

[ces67]

Thanks Acc. As much as I know our M is going no where, the reality of filing is an extremely difficult step for me. My W knows this and in some way, I don't believe she expects me to actually do it. I also don't expect there to be any good way to prepare her for this. And I know even though its my decision, I'm not prepared or aware of what all I will experience in the process.

But I do know this is not something that can happen soon. The fall is the absolute earliest my W may end up with a permanent job to support herself. I have no desire to make this more of a bind on her than it has to be. The better we both are then the better we can help our kids through this.

I would rather tell my W I am meeting with a lawyer to move forward rather than surprise her with a filing. Just my preference. I would rather say what I am doing or will be doing instead of what I've already done.

[Accuray]

I get it Ces, you're a good man

[labug]

I agree!

[adinva]

I don't believe anyone really expects their spouse will really file for divorce, even if they've said so clearly and thoughtfully. What does that change?

I don't believe anyone is really prepared for their spouse to leave them. I would encourage you to do everything you can to explain yourself and hope to get your W to see and understand why you are compelled to do this, because you want to be understood as a good man. Do that for you, and to be kind to her, but with no expectations that she's really going to agree with you. You already know she does not, and you already know she thinks you're wrong. That doesn't change anything either.

You are a good person and you are trying to improve a really bad situation, for yourself, for your kids, and ultimately even if she never sees it this way, for her too.

We know that.

[ces67]

Thanks all. much appreciated. Not much has happened in the past week.

W started her long-term subbing position. She really likes it. I took off half day last Friday to help her get the room cleaned and organized. The students had a half day off for a teacher in-service day.

D11 had her first dance competition this past weekend. She did great even after being in a boot for 6 weeks with a stress fracture on her foot. We made my S15 go with us on Friday night to support his sister. One of his friends went as well who spent the night with us. And after realizing he was 15 and this place was packed with hundreds of girls his age dressed in various dance outfits, he came again on Saturday and this time with 3 friends instead of just 1...

W has been in a better mood as she is enjoying her job. There are stresses like starting any new job but even she acknowledge that and still focused on enjoying it. She has also been expressing gratitude towards me a great deal more since last week. Just making a point to say "thank you" for things she has ignored for years.

The big challenge is that my S15 brought home his interim grade card from school. This included 2 Cs, 1 D and 1 F. But he had A's in Art & Gym.... This is from a kid who has been honor role from the beginning.

He had to meet with the Guidance counselor just about scheduling his classes for next year. He told me that during that meeting the counselor asked him if he was doing OK because one of his teachers had mentioned he may be having issues at home. I asked him how he responded and he said told the counselor that money was tight but we weren't hurting.

Both W and I talked to him about what needed to happen and what we expected (he showed me an "A" he got on a quiz this week as a result). But I still think I want to talk to his teachers and see what they are seeing during school. I'm actually surprised my W hasn't suggested it yet.

I am still on the same path. I'm thankful she is enjoying her job. There are still no actions to show interest in healing our marriage.

I'm taking a road trip today to see my parents for my mom's b-day on Sunday. Its just me going. It will be good to see my family.

[adinva]

Glad to see your updates, CES. Happy birthday to your mom! Enjoy being with your family.

[labug]

Did you have the money talk with her? Sorry if I'm backtracking.

In my experience, even in the best of times, boys go through a dip at that age. I see what you and your W said, what did he say?

Become his listening post if he wants to talk no matter what it's about. Even stupid video games.

[ces67]

Had a very enjoyable weekend with my parents & family. Mom celebrated her 74th and we had a sunny & warm Saturday to get out of the house and enjoy the day. Lots of family time with lots of laughter.

Hey Bug, no problem. We have not had the talk yet. I mentioned it this morning by saying we need to talk about how we will use her pay to help with expenses we had already agreed upon. I saw her entire body tense up just at the mention of money. I left it at that and will follow up some evening this week.

Now that she is subbing, she only works at the lady's clothing store on Saturday, Sunday & Monday night which makes her more available the other evenings.

Struggles still continue. After I left on Friday, I got a text from W saying there didn't seem to be money in her account and she didn't know why. I took a look and found it was because she had written 2 checks and she had not left enough in the account to cover them. So they overdrew the account and fees were applied. Since I was already heading out and knew they'd need food for the weekend, I put some funds in there and explained what had happened. She never responded.

My son's responses were summed up with a lot of "I know..." statements. His actions since then have been to study every night and he's made a point to bring home papers and show us current grades (A's...) He's pretty good to talk to me about a lot of stuff. The fact that he mentioned a teacher suspected him of having issues at home is an example of that. We talk about other stuff too such as video games, jokes, useless facts, girls, etc... I'm working on the same with my D11. That's getting better but she still treats my W as her "BFF"

I spoke to a mutual friend of W and me yesterday mainly to coordinate a carpool. She went on to mentioned that W seemed to miss me over the weekend. I responded that I'm sure she missed the convenience of having me around, but I was reluctant to believe she actually missed me.

It was a longer conversation but at one point she told me about W saying how she still did not feel guilt for her PA towards me or the OM's wife who she was supposedly friends. Our mutual friend felt she no longer felt this way but I explained I saw no evidence to indicate remorse.

At this point I don't know how long it will be before she can get any information about the potential of a FT teaching job in the fall. We are working on some home repairs that will help with the potential sale of the home. With a divorce, neither of us will need the space and neither will be able to afford it.

Not sure when the next "talk" will be. At our last one I stated she'd need to be the one to initiate any talks to improve our M. That's been over a month ago so I don't foresee that happening. So at some point I'll need to explain my intentions to proceed with a D.

[labug]

She is pretty ill-equipped for handling money but she could change that if she wanted.

Good news about your S.

Is this the same friend?. Do you think her information is helping you? (I know I've asked similar questions before)